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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh doesn’t want another child.. with me.

151 replies

Indoorvoicesbluey · 28/02/2023 20:49

I’m 33 and so is my Dh. We have one 6year old dd and I have two from a previous marriage aged 14&13. He is an amazing dad and treats them all the same. Older two do not have contact with their biological dad.

we’ve been together 9 years.

for some absolutely insane reason I’m broody. No idea why, and no idea where it has came from.

at dinner tonight we was talking about dd6 as a baby and I joked saying “don’t, I’m so broody” dd15 chirps in “please have another”.

dh says absolutely noway on this earth.
I then ask if he would have another if we ever touch wood divorced. He said yes. Because it probably just be him and her and they could have a child. I said you have child/ren and he replied but would only 50% of the time.

im upset but also angry. Who thinks like that?

OP posts:
NCagain23 · 28/02/2023 21:22

TomatoSandwiches · 28/02/2023 20:55

I think since you asked the odd question you should suck up the disappointment his answer made you feel.

This

UdoU · 28/02/2023 21:27

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

Namechangeforthis88 · 28/02/2023 21:28

Indoorvoicesbluey · 28/02/2023 21:18

Trying, this happens every so often when I don’t feel confident or “secure”. I worry and ask stupid questions. There’s absolutely no reason for me to feel insecure but I always think he’s going to run off and find someone without bpd.

Show quote history

Well he's chosen to be with you so far! Keep trying. I've seen people with quite severe bpd make such huge life changes for the better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2023 21:29

UdoU · 28/02/2023 21:27

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

BPD means you do want the answer though, on some level. You want to pick the relationships scabs, even though you know it's a terrible idea.

You want to be able, subconsciously, to say, "see I was right, I'm unloveable".

OP, you know you're doing it. Stick to weird goat questions.

Despair101 · 28/02/2023 21:30

Despair

DottieUncBab · 28/02/2023 21:30

I have BPD and I don’t ask my husband weird hypothetical questions

Copasetic · 28/02/2023 21:31

Astralitzia · 28/02/2023 20:53

At the moment you have three children, combined.

If you were to divorce, he'd only have one.

Adding one to three is a very different prospect to adding one to one.

I think this hits the nail on the head!

mzpsmummy · 28/02/2023 21:33

@BankOfDave answer makes the most sense. Love that response.

Blueyandbingooo · 28/02/2023 21:33

I see his logic to be fair. Generally I'd say don't ask questions you might not like the answer to! Least he knows he can be honest with you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2023 21:35

Agreed you started it. Almost as though you were goading him into the 'wrong' answer (in your view). He treats his stepchildren as his own (your words). Why are you doing this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2023 21:36

DottieUncBab · 28/02/2023 21:30

I have BPD and I don’t ask my husband weird hypothetical questions

I have ADHD and I don't have some of the behaviours linked it it either. Doesn't mean someone's ADHD can't show up differently.

Cherrysherbet · 28/02/2023 21:37

Proverb. If one asks a question that is stupid or to which the answer is obvious, one should not be surprised or displeased to receive a silly or bizarre response.

This ^

Fifi0102 · 28/02/2023 21:38

In BPD deep down you think your DH is going to leave you so you poke and poke to uncover what what they think and confirmation they don't really love you or want to be with you. The thing of him saying he doesn't want another baby with you confirms it in your thinking patterns that he will abandon you but he's not saying that. You already have 3 children another one would add a big strain. if you divorced he would go to having 1 part time so having another one wouldn't be a big strain. He's not saying he's going to leave you nor he doesn't want a child with you, he's saying going from 3-4 would be too much. The whole thing really is you being terrified of being abandoned. I'd work on not asking questions like this , have you had DBT sessions ?

ConcordeOoter · 28/02/2023 21:41

I mean... you asked?

Besides which if you were both going to be sensitive and read terrible things into the exchange, isn't the question worse than the answer? How would you feel if he asked you that question?

PennyRa · 28/02/2023 21:49

Assuming the best of him, he probably meant three kids full time is his practical limit but he would in his heart love more children

InstagramBitchWife · 28/02/2023 21:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2023 20:52

I see both points. He lives with three children and four is too many. One and a half would be vastly easier.

However, I'm not entirely sure how nice he is saying that he would have another with someone else to you, who wants another. It just seems mean and churlish to say it.

Yes I agree with this.

MichaelFabricantWig · 28/02/2023 21:51

In the nicest possible way yes I do think you are BU. You asked a daft hypothetical question and got an answer to match. Try and forget about it.

WetLettuce2 · 28/02/2023 21:53

You asked the question though !

You're annoyed because he’s pointed out that you (and therefore you 2 together) have 3, but he only has 1 - did you forget that ?
You brought 2 into the relationship- he takes 1 into his theoretical next one.

Moveoverdarlin · 28/02/2023 21:53

You asked. Technically he has one child. If he has another one with you, there will be six in the house. If he has a new partner and a baby, there will be three living under his roof. He’s answering your hypothetical question with a hypothetical answer and you’ve now got the hump.

mathanxiety · 28/02/2023 21:53

It was quite an insult to the children. I'm sure the 15 year old understood the thought behind the remark.

Bluegrass22 · 28/02/2023 21:59

You're being ridiculous.
If I got divorced I would consider having another baby because I would hate having no kids around 50% of the time.
I categorically do not want three kids 100% of the time.
It doesn't mean I've ever even considered a divorce, want to have babies with someone else or anything disrespectful to my husband.

oakleaffy · 28/02/2023 22:07

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:53

Don't ask hypothetical questions you don't want answers to.

THIS.
Four children is a large amount.

Nivid · 28/02/2023 22:09

Well i can understand the answer of your husband. If he separed from you he would have the 6 years old half of the time so he would be more available (in terms of time) to give attention to other children. He is with you in a household with two teenagers and one child so a completly different dynamic here. Adding a new child with you would be completely different than if he remarried and had more children so its reasonable his answer could be different.

ToLongToCharge · 28/02/2023 22:21

You asked a question….

lovemelongtime · 28/02/2023 22:24

If you turned into a goat, I would love you more