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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh doesn’t want another child.. with me.

151 replies

Indoorvoicesbluey · 28/02/2023 20:49

I’m 33 and so is my Dh. We have one 6year old dd and I have two from a previous marriage aged 14&13. He is an amazing dad and treats them all the same. Older two do not have contact with their biological dad.

we’ve been together 9 years.

for some absolutely insane reason I’m broody. No idea why, and no idea where it has came from.

at dinner tonight we was talking about dd6 as a baby and I joked saying “don’t, I’m so broody” dd15 chirps in “please have another”.

dh says absolutely noway on this earth.
I then ask if he would have another if we ever touch wood divorced. He said yes. Because it probably just be him and her and they could have a child. I said you have child/ren and he replied but would only 50% of the time.

im upset but also angry. Who thinks like that?

OP posts:
Badromancer · 28/02/2023 22:25

That’s if his new Wife even wanted a baby…

and didn’t have any kids already…

He may not be that lucky

Just saying 😜

BackOfTheMum5net · 28/02/2023 22:25

That's a pragmatic answer. Were he in another relationship with someone who did not have kids, and did not have kids with him, it would make sense to have a child. You do, and have; so it doesn't really make sense at this moment.

Nn9011 · 28/02/2023 22:37

I can guarantee this isn't anything to do with you. It's unfortunately something I've seen a lot of people talk about. It seems the idea that a relationship isn't a family without a child means many people discover their partner feels this way when the topic of the snip comes up.
Just remember that he's talking about a hypothetical life, in which he wouldn't be the same and you wouldn't be the same because you wouldn't be together.
I know it's easy to say but try not to let it upset you too much ♥️

KeepingItReal2017 · 28/02/2023 22:43

It’s all very strange; ask a silly Q, get a silly answer.

jezza1234 · 28/02/2023 22:43

Who are all these awful people laying into you? Yes it was a loose hypothetical question but it was a highly insensitive answer. I am not surprised you are hurt, I would be.

TiaraBoo · 28/02/2023 22:52

Here to find out the answer to the goat question…

I know it sounded hurtful, but you did back him into a corner with the questions and unfortunately he answered. Shake it off and move on. Preferably by answering the goal question 😁

Rewis · 28/02/2023 23:06

Did he say this infront of the kids?

user1477391263 · 28/02/2023 23:07

I disagree that the OP shouldn’t have asked the question. The fact that she asked it suggests that she instinctively is having doubts about the permanence of their relationship.

Walkaround · 28/02/2023 23:15

A divorced person thinks like that. Don’t ask ridiculous hypothetical questions when you don’t even want truthful answers.

You were asking him to think himself into a situation where he has lost full custody of his children (of whom only one is a blood relative of his) - unless you wanted him to imagine your fantasy divorce had involved an almighty custody battle where he won full custody of all of them off you, of course, which would be an alarming way for him to imagine your fantasy divorce situation. What on earth has that got to do with you wanting more children or whether you are ever likely to divorce?

Escapetofrance · 28/02/2023 23:15

It was a horrible thing for him to say.

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 23:20

Escapetofrance · 28/02/2023 23:15

It was a horrible thing for him to say.

Of course it wasn't! She already actually DID this exact same thing, he's only saying that he hypothetically might do it if he ends up in the same situation.
WTF is wrong with that?

BadNomad · 28/02/2023 23:20

Look on the brightside, he plans to parent 50/50 if you ever divorce!

Serrassi · 28/02/2023 23:30

I think if you want another baby then have a grown up proper chat about it, not in front of the other children, and see what he says.

Talking about being broody in front of the whole family seems pressuring to me, it’s like announcing to your children that you want to give them a cute baby sibling but Dad says no. I can see why he reacted badly. And asking if he’d have another if you divorced is quite a nasty question to ask.

You want another child, so talk to your husband about it, and if the answer is no stop bringing it up in front of the kids.

LikeTearsInRain · 28/02/2023 23:38

Very strange question to ask. And then to complain about the answer

It’s fine to not want to add another child to your household when you already have 3 living with you full time. It’s also fine to envisage having another in different circumstances where you don’t have 3 children full time.

Emmamoo89 · 28/02/2023 23:44

Yabu

Allgreen · 28/02/2023 23:56

Actually OP I think the worst part is you asking that divorce/kids question in front of your kids (especially the 14 & 13 y/o), and him replying in front of them.

Don't give your kids BPD too fgs (I'm only half kidding, BPD runs in families for a reason)!

Allgreen · 28/02/2023 23:57

15 y/o*

GPFavo · 01/03/2023 00:05

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:53

Don't ask hypothetical questions you don't want answers to.

This. YABU. I know that if DH and I divorced he’d want more DCs with a new partner because we both want more but, because I get severe HG, it’s not feasible for us. If he were with someone else then he’d have the number of children he wants. I’m not hurt or offended by that reality. If you’re going to be offended by the answer to a question, why ask?

WetLettuce2 · 01/03/2023 00:10

I’d also be hurt the fact he’s completely discounting the 2 stepchildren in his new theoretical family.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 01/03/2023 00:14

Astralitzia · 28/02/2023 20:53

At the moment you have three children, combined.

If you were to divorce, he'd only have one.

Adding one to three is a very different prospect to adding one to one.

This is his thinking I reckon. Not very nice for your older 2 to realise they'd be dropped by him like a hot brick if you divorced though.

Bloopsie · 01/03/2023 00:19

I dont get the guy,his child dosent have any blood siblings. Bizarre reply from him.

Bloopsie · 01/03/2023 00:24

3 children is not even a large family, the country where i come from family sizes are considered- 1-2 children, a osmall family, 3-7 children medium family and 8+ is a large family.

plus OPs one child is nearly an adult herself can help out or chance she will move out in a few years.

Mammyloveswine · 01/03/2023 00:38

Nah I think he's been a dick op!!! My DH wanted a vasectomy a few years ago and I was like "but what if I die and you fall in love again with someone childless and then you can't have children?" His response? "I have my children, I'm happy with them and the life I can give them".

Id be hurt op!

LuluLehman · 01/03/2023 00:42

Indoorvoicesbluey · 28/02/2023 20:54

I’m a weird one who asks hypothetical questions like if I turned into a goat would he still love me.

I blame my bpd.

What was his answer to that one? If he said yes he was lying. At least he was being honest about this latest question.

Actually, I understand his logic - especially if he can’t imagine being divorced from you. He probably thinks that if you ever divorced the kids you have now would be adults and… oh, I give up! It was a silly question, OP. Stop setting traps for the poor guy. He can’t win.

Allgreen · 01/03/2023 01:00

Mammyloveswine · 01/03/2023 00:38

Nah I think he's been a dick op!!! My DH wanted a vasectomy a few years ago and I was like "but what if I die and you fall in love again with someone childless and then you can't have children?" His response? "I have my children, I'm happy with them and the life I can give them".

Id be hurt op!

I think divorce is a more realistic hypothetical than dying and I don't blame OP's husband for being honest. I would want to keep my ex-stepchildren in my life of course, but my birth children would take priority for actual involved parenting.

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