Shunned by friends

[hellsnos]

Right. So this has ended up upsetting me way more than I ever thought it would. I’m generally an introvert, like my own company and big social outings were usually a bit of a chore. But since having my dd obviously my social life’s taken a hit, as it does, and so I’m sort of looking for chances to meet up with friends and feel a connection a) outside of my home and b) to a relationship that existed before I became a mum.

Anyway, long story short, a friend won a stay away for a weekend, and invited everyone but me (I’m the only one with a child). She accidentally let it slip when I asked her when her next holiday was, and it was that sort of way where you could see she wished she could pick up all the words and put them back in her mouth. Really awkward. I didn’t have much option but to sort of force a smile and pretend to be fine about it, understanding now I have a baby bla bla bla. But deep down I was hurt. Not so much that we weren’t invited, per se; it only slept so many and so she’d have to have left someone out. It was more because we all have one big group chat…..and so it was obvious that she’d have had to create a completely separate one without me in order to invite everyone without me knowing. It’s the secrecy that stung.

Anyway, the hurt feelings (and possibly bashed ego) has festered while they were away, posting lovely pics all together having a great time, and now I’m at a precipice and considering cutting them all out. Perhaps a bit extreme, and I could understand why it might seem vindictive….but it’s really not coming from that place. It’s more that when I try and engage or plan things, I end up disappointed or hurt when nobody takes me up on things, or even replies to what I say in the group chat. I told them it was my dd’s 1st birthday party soon and nobody’s really said if they’ll come or not, just some platitudes about not believing it’s been a whole year etc. So, yeah, in short it’s about altering and managing expectations in order to avoid being hurt again, rather than punishing them or throwing my toys out the pram.

Thanks for reading. Complete first-world problems, I appreciate, but there we go. Would really appreciate any insight/ advice anyone may have.

Personally, I'd throw my toys out of the pram and tell your 'friend' to fuck off. Not because they left you out but because she didn't have an honest discussion about it with you.

It's understandable that you're feeling hurt, especially if it was everyone but you and there's a separate group chat. They've been quite hurtful about it with the secrecy.

It seems like you and them are drifting, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, nor is it that you/them are wrong. Not all friendships last all seasons.

While that does sound shit for you, some bits really stuck. About social outings being a chore and about only really wanting to do do things now your social life has taken a hit.

Is it possible your friends maybe got the feeling you weren't possibly that bothered now and maybe they think you're just picking then up now you don't feel you have many options?

It sounds as though you’d be happier without these friends in your life who aren’t treating you very well. Things change, people move on, especially after having a baby and there is no point wishing otherwise.

And also would you have had to have bought the baby with you on the trip? You say "we"

If I'd have won a nice trip and wanted a fun weekend, I wouldn't have invited a baby along.

word for word this!

I wouldn't bother seeing any of them again. That was really shitty and unnecessary of her.

Oh, suppose I hadn’t thought of it that way. But no, not really. We hung out much more, beforehand, I was able to have them over for dinner when there wasn’t a baby to juggle, they’re big fans of boardgames and sadly a 5-hour uninterrupted gaming session just isn’t realistic with a baby. So we just don’t get invited along to things.I think what I meant by saying things could be a chore was more to illustrate why I’m surprised at myself being this upset about it all. I wasn’t like refusing to hang out with them/ acting rude/ ignoring them before I had a kid, ha. I’d completely understand if that was the case.

And, in response to your other question about bringing the baby along, I wouldn’t have unless she said she wanted me to. We have plenty of childcare options and would’ve probably welcomed the child-free weekend. “We” being me and my husband.

I have felt very similarly in my friendship group. I had 2 babies during covid and was quite anxious about socialising as a result. I felt like because I turned down invites (mostly due to restrictions, being pregnant etc) my group of friends punished me (one in particular). I also saw pics of them together arranged in what must of been a seperate group. Now if I ever make a suggestion to meet up they never take me up on it even though their gripe was that I didn't come out as much?

I feel like in all groups their is an alpha. I accept I'm not one of them but I have questioned why I'm in the group if I'm not liked as much or treated equally. I too have felt like leaving the chat and distancing myself all together but I have only 1 other mum friend besides nct and I don't want to cut of my nose to spite my face. I sympathise. I'd love to know what you end up doing keep us posted. Hugs.

That's not friendship op. It really isn't.

I'm an introvert, and apart from a couple of long distance school and uni friends, I never had friends. Mainly because I worked fifteen plus hours a day and hid.

Since children I have two, and I finally understand friendship. It makes my heart warm.

They have seen me at my worst, and my best.

This scenario for them would be I'm doing x, it is or is not child free. I would love you to come but I would understand if you can't.

So yes I would question why they have done that and I would question the true value of those friends.

Find people who value you and include you no matter what

Definitely cut them off!! X

Honestly. I'm saying this kindly.

You have admitted you have backed away from the group. Very understandably. You no longer invite them for dinners. Why not?

And (I'm going to sound a massive cow now ). New mums honestly just talk about their babies. It's tedious to listen to honestly no-one without a baby is remotely interested in yours.
We are all guilty of it! So don't beat yourself up over it.
The dynamics have shifted.

You said you have plenty of childcare. When was the last time you organised a night out with them ?

There is an understanding that you are busy being a mum, make them realise you are still the fun person you always were and you want some giggles instead of nappy talk.

I don't really GET friends much.. I used to when younger.
But a lot of the time, they aren't friendly, are they? I stick to family now, plus liking my own space.
I'm sorry, @hellsnos - it sounds really mean of them. :-(

You weren't seriously expecting them to be excited about attending a baby's first birthday party were you?

My guess, as this is always the way on these kinds of threads, is that you're expecting things to revolve around you and your child and (rightly) they aren't willing to do that.

I wouldn't cut them off for this - they probably thought you wouldn't be able to go, with a young baby to look after.

I would ask how the trip went when they get back, and say "Next time count me in - I still want to have a life outside motherhood". If they continue not to invite you that would be the time to take offence.

This secrecy thing is a deal breaker for me - like no one respected you enough to have a quiet chat. To get to the point of the secrecy there had to be conversations behind your back that you would not be told. It's like your feelings are not important enough for any of them to be honest with you. If they can lie about a stupid thing like this how are you meant to trust them with your feelings?

I think you risk cutting your nose off here. They probably thought you wouldn't want to leave the baby for that long and they just didn't have the space for everyone. They should have handled it better.

No one wants to go to a first birthday party really!! Invite them on a girls night out or something. Don't talk babies much.

It sounds like you'd like the friendship to work so give it another go.

Going against the grain here.

I am in a group of friends and I’m the only one with a small child. They go off and do many things without me - I can’t spontaneously take annual leave and go camping, or go off on a jaunt to Prague. However, I absolutely would not cut them off to spite my face.

My life has changed and I’m not as flexible. I make sure to try and book things in and organise them, even if I’m fairly introverted and find it excruciating to do so. I’ll invite them round for lunch. I’ll make an absolute effort to go to a dinner and leave DD with DH. They reciprocate by offering daytime options at times. However, I know it’s fully on me to say “hey, next time you do a jaunt away, please let me know as I’d love to come”. Because I haven’t been able to come the last few times. Maybe that’s quite similar to you having dropped off radar with your friends.

You say your group of friends enjoy long board games. Either suggest something different so you can concentrate on catching up, or become the host! My DH and I take turns in hosting a lunch or a dinner. If it’s my friends then he will take the lead with DD, and vice versa.

Friends are bonsai trees. They need to be watered. Don’t be the one to create or encourage distance.

Last point - you don’t say how old you are but there may be some in your friendship group who are actually hurting inside that they don’t have a nice partner and baby at home. Your new life may cause some pain to them, which it may be worth being mindful of.

Aahh I see. I wouldn't cut them off before having a chat. It could still be salvageable and you never known if there are tensions on both sides that could be worked through. If a friendship is worth it.

I get that it stings, but I wouldn't cut them off for this. If there are limited spaces it might seem like the person with the baby wouldn't want to go without their baby, which isn't ideal for a weekend away.

Also, with the best will in the world, only baby's immediate family and perhaps mums with babies the same age would want to go to a baby's first birthday party. They aren't fun events for non-parents really. So I wouldn't be expecting them to want to come to that.

I would try to make myself more available without your DD in tow. If that doesn't work then maybe it is time to move on and look for new friends, but I would give them a chance first.

Oofties, a lot of assuming going on here. But, to answer, the last time I saw them all was when I invited them over in the run-up to Christmas and did make them dinner, and we had a sort of Christmas crafting day making decorations, catching up etc. My mum came over to help with childcare, as husband was at work. And as for the group chat, I probably talk more about the child I have birth to now than before I had a child (go figure), but generally I try and keep chat to things I think would interest them, or things they’d want to come do with me - sometimes with, sometimes without baby. It’s a group chat, after all. I’m not there to hijack it with baby spam. It all generally gets the same lukewarm reception, though.

And much like rainyskylight said, I was also the first to have kids. Lots of my friends still haven't and there was a period where our lives were all in different places and we all drifted for a bit. I can happily say that the friendships that really mattered all flowed back together. It is a difficult transitional period but I think people are being a bit quick to suggest you just cut them off

You start by saying you find social outings a chore, but then you're highly offended when you've not been invited on a social outing. I've previously been someone who found social outings a chore and after so long my friends stopped asking. I wasn't offended at all, I got what I deserved. I've since learned that it was me that needed to work at the friendship as I was the outsider, as I had made myself that way. I'm now integrated into the group, because I worked for it. Friendships don't just happen how you want, without your effort too.

Not especially…I did expect them to have the balls to give me a solid yes or no, though. And being upset at being excluded isn’t quite the same as expecting the world to revolve around me. My child was probably never going to get a look-in on the weekend away, and she doesn’t seem too bothered about it 😂

Are husbands invited? You say that you would expect to take him. Do they have partners? Maybe they don’t like your partner?