Shunned by friends

[hellsnos]

Right. So this has ended up upsetting me way more than I ever thought it would. I’m generally an introvert, like my own company and big social outings were usually a bit of a chore. But since having my dd obviously my social life’s taken a hit, as it does, and so I’m sort of looking for chances to meet up with friends and feel a connection a) outside of my home and b) to a relationship that existed before I became a mum.

Anyway, long story short, a friend won a stay away for a weekend, and invited everyone but me (I’m the only one with a child). She accidentally let it slip when I asked her when her next holiday was, and it was that sort of way where you could see she wished she could pick up all the words and put them back in her mouth. Really awkward. I didn’t have much option but to sort of force a smile and pretend to be fine about it, understanding now I have a baby bla bla bla. But deep down I was hurt. Not so much that we weren’t invited, per se; it only slept so many and so she’d have to have left someone out. It was more because we all have one big group chat…..and so it was obvious that she’d have had to create a completely separate one without me in order to invite everyone without me knowing. It’s the secrecy that stung.

Anyway, the hurt feelings (and possibly bashed ego) has festered while they were away, posting lovely pics all together having a great time, and now I’m at a precipice and considering cutting them all out. Perhaps a bit extreme, and I could understand why it might seem vindictive….but it’s really not coming from that place. It’s more that when I try and engage or plan things, I end up disappointed or hurt when nobody takes me up on things, or even replies to what I say in the group chat. I told them it was my dd’s 1st birthday party soon and nobody’s really said if they’ll come or not, just some platitudes about not believing it’s been a whole year etc. So, yeah, in short it’s about altering and managing expectations in order to avoid being hurt again, rather than punishing them or throwing my toys out the pram.

Thanks for reading. Complete first-world problems, I appreciate, but there we go. Would really appreciate any insight/ advice anyone may have.

As an introvert who, over the years, has turned down work get togethers, this really wouldn’t bother me, in fact I’d be quite relieved.

I wouldn’t read too much with what you read on social media either, OP. Usually in a big group setting like this, there is some drama that hasn’t been uploaded for all to see.

I’m sure the dynamics of your friendship group will change in time when others start a family. Hurtful as it must be, if you don’t want to cut them out of your life, hang in there.

I think this is one of hosenunfortunate situations where everyone acts with the best of intentions to begin with and ot just ends up awkward.

Its sensible not to invite you and put you in the position of finding childcare. You said 'we' so perhaps they felt two of you coming would be too many or different dynamic.

What struck me was that you said 5 hour gaming sessions arent possible now but then said you could easily get a weekend of childcare. So maybe try to do something more regularly?

They might change when they have kids so my advice would be to maintain the friendships but also look for new mum friends. You can ease yourself into a new life without burning bridges x

So was every single other friend invited to the weekend away except you?

Yeah, there’s a core group 5 old school friends. Lodge slept 8, so that’s only 4 plus partners. Which is understandable, but making a separate group chat and planning it in secret sort of isn’t. And I just don’t know how to go forwards without being upset about it, really.

Is it possible someone has an issue with your partner? Either one of the friends or one of their partners.

Hi OP! I completely understand your upset, although I certainly couldn’t just put a smile on if that were me. I’d most certainly have to mention that I was indeed upset to have been left out and nothing mentioned.

I have a group of friends that I do get the odd invite (and I mean odd 😂) but over the last 5 years I’ve barely been to any because I get anxious in large groups and they can’t seem to do more ‘intimate‘ things. I’ve just accepted now that I don’t get invited, but if I were to suggest something with a few of them, it always happens. Usually a birthday involves going away for a few nights with people I’ve never met so I’m glad they don’t invite me anymore! Luckily, they also accept that and don’t think it’s me being a cow.

Anyway, sorry for waffling on - I’ve also just had a baby and I’m happy to be your friend if you do want new ones 😂 depends where you are as I don’t drive.

In all honesty, I’d definitely let one of them (which will then ensure the rest of them find out) know the whole thing has upset you and you wouldn’t expect friends to carry on like that.

Hope you’re ok x

Hmm, that's a shame. Honestly could it be that if they invited you they'd be worried you'd ask to bring the baby, and they were concerned about how to say they didn't want a baby on their break?

I'm with @BubziOwl on this one. We were the first from our friends to have a baby and whilst the others were not ready for that stage, they genuinely were interested in DC1 and all wanted to come to the 1st birthday - which admittedly was about the adults! Lots of food and drink, cake cut and then baby put to bed while we caught up. I don't understand why it is such a chore

OP the secrecy is what would be the deal breaker for me. Had they mentioned it before and explained, I may not have been delighted but would have accepted the reasons behind it. As they did it all behind backs, I would withdraw completely.

After baby, our friends continued to meet up for meals, go on short breaks together but various aspects didn't suit us so we would turn the invite down. Didn't mean they stopped including us. Once we could leave the children behind, we did and now some others have children so catch ups tend to be more child friendly and easier for us.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to give your opinions and advice - it’s been really, really helpful. I’ve actually been quite emotional reading some of the really kind things people have said, and personal experiences people have shared, so thank you.

Some of you wanted an update for how I decided to deal with the situation; I decided to leave the group chat we all have, as once I was aware that there was another one that they were all part of without me, it sort of made me feel a bit strange about it. It was also becoming a bit of a problem in terms of it was a literal record of all the ways they didn’t want to engage with me, and so it had to go. I haven’t said anything to them, and if any of them want an explanation as to why I left I will tell them i need a bit of space, but I have a feeling they know what they’ve done, but none want to acknowledge that it was quite hurtful as it just makes things awkward.

A lot of people have said about friendships evolving naturally over time etc, and so it’s definitely spurred me on to try and expose myself to new groups that might be more supportive/ life-stage appropriate. I’m probably quite complacent at the moment just through sheer tiredness, plus I’m back at work now 3 days a week, but it’s given me a bit of a kick, so thanks.

For those who told me it’s not my fault and said nice things about me, thank you. It seems simple and needy, but I think I just really needed to hear that yesterday. I was in a very low place and questioning how good a friend/ general person I was, so that really helped.

take care peeps! 😊🙏🏻

if any of them want an explanation as to why I left I will tell them i need a bit of space,

I would tell them how upset you are, having been missed from the weekend away

OP,

Sometimes a kick to make new connections is very helpful.

I needed it after my first baby 23 years ago and I made a few dear life long friends that are the best ever, during this time.

It is really helpful to have supoort for where you are at, not to mention the advice.

Put yourself out there, even though you are busy. Seek out groups as close as possible to you geographically.

I must admit I too don't get the whole new mums are boring.
We all have different lives and listen to each others stuff, be it love lives, career highs and lows etc., children are just another part of that.

Fwiw, I think that friend wasn't particularly kind, letting you know honestly would have been the decent thing to do, she could only take 8, so 2 were going to be left out.

Even saying to you to bring a blow up and sleeping bags for one night might have been a suggestion that was kinder.

Anyway wishing you well.

Good luck for the future @hellsnos !

I totally get about the tiredness making one complacent. I'm in that particular situation right now. Xx

Dude, you need some new Mum friends. Keep your old friendship group, dip in when you want to but put them on the back burner and move on.