Shunned by friends

[hellsnos]

Right. So this has ended up upsetting me way more than I ever thought it would. I’m generally an introvert, like my own company and big social outings were usually a bit of a chore. But since having my dd obviously my social life’s taken a hit, as it does, and so I’m sort of looking for chances to meet up with friends and feel a connection a) outside of my home and b) to a relationship that existed before I became a mum.

Anyway, long story short, a friend won a stay away for a weekend, and invited everyone but me (I’m the only one with a child). She accidentally let it slip when I asked her when her next holiday was, and it was that sort of way where you could see she wished she could pick up all the words and put them back in her mouth. Really awkward. I didn’t have much option but to sort of force a smile and pretend to be fine about it, understanding now I have a baby bla bla bla. But deep down I was hurt. Not so much that we weren’t invited, per se; it only slept so many and so she’d have to have left someone out. It was more because we all have one big group chat…..and so it was obvious that she’d have had to create a completely separate one without me in order to invite everyone without me knowing. It’s the secrecy that stung.

Anyway, the hurt feelings (and possibly bashed ego) has festered while they were away, posting lovely pics all together having a great time, and now I’m at a precipice and considering cutting them all out. Perhaps a bit extreme, and I could understand why it might seem vindictive….but it’s really not coming from that place. It’s more that when I try and engage or plan things, I end up disappointed or hurt when nobody takes me up on things, or even replies to what I say in the group chat. I told them it was my dd’s 1st birthday party soon and nobody’s really said if they’ll come or not, just some platitudes about not believing it’s been a whole year etc. So, yeah, in short it’s about altering and managing expectations in order to avoid being hurt again, rather than punishing them or throwing my toys out the pram.

Thanks for reading. Complete first-world problems, I appreciate, but there we go. Would really appreciate any insight/ advice anyone may have.

I’m at a precipice and considering cutting them all out

Think they got in first.

Why not connect with your favourite on a one two one? Build relationships again from scratch?

It’s a weird dynamic to have someone look after your child for a few hours while you catch up with friends? Do you know what website you’re on?

Do they have much to do with your baby? Or do you keep them in separate "boxes"? If you spend a lot less time with them, I wonder if they think you don't want them to be part of that side of your life. Quite often, when people have children, they do put friendships on the back burner. Often this causes distance between friends. I'm wondering if it's something like this.

OP, you mentioned being an introvert and previously finding social gatherings a chore. I’m going to be honest, I’ve been on the other side of this. In various friendship groups I’ve been in, people who rarely turn up and socialize in person (or say they are going to turn up to things and then constantly flake out) tend to get relegated to the edges of the group over time, and yes stuff will get planned without them.

It’s not a question of being mean or a Queen Bee. It’s just that constant refusals to turn up in person do start to feel like a snub over time. Nobody wants to look like desperate, over-eager types who “chase” uninterested people for friendship, and you start to get a feeling of, “clearly this person thinks we’re a bit of a nuisance, guess they prefer Netflix or perhaps have another group of friends they want to spend all their time with.” So you go ahead and create chats without them eventually, and plan events without discussing it with them. If they are not interested in you as a group, presumably they won’t want to be endlessly pinged with irrelevant messages, right?

The baby dynamic is also probably changing things a bit. If they want a child free time and feel awkward about telling you not to bring the baby, that will be another factor.

If you feel that you would like more of a social life now, I suggest finding some friends who are also parents, and let this one go. They may come back if/when they have kids of their own.

This

This is an excellent post. Don’t cut them off OP.

Yeah I suppose they are in separate boxes, so it would make sense that they maybe feel that I’ve got less time for them. But a simple “hey, you don’t mind if I invite everyone but you just because of numbers, do you? Im
assuming you might have childcare responsibilities” or whatever…maybe offering to organise a day out just us to make up for it….I don’t know. But a secret group chat is the hurtful part, as a lot of people have noted. Why actively exclude someone who’s already struggling to balance everything?

I'm guessing they don't really see you as part of that group any more. Maybe from their point of view it looks like you've taken yourself out of it. But to you, it is them who has kicked you out.

What sort of things do you invite them to? And maybe you could still do occasional board games nights while your husband looks after your baby. If you can’t currently manage a board games night it’s understandable that they might assume you wouldn’t be able to make it for a whole weekend, though it was rude of them to have concealed it in the way they did and I’d be hurt by the secrecy too. Do you have a particular person you’re closer to, that you can talk to about it 1-1?

I have been here. One night after mentioning I was going for surgery and the Alphas just 'talked over me' in the groupchat, I left the group and must say I never looked back. I focused on individual existing friendships and new mum friends came along organically.

Who needs these low quality friends. Bin 'em I say!

This!

Again, I’ve been on the other side of this. I get that COVID made things tricky, but (other than during the first lockdown), it was always possible to socialize in low risk ways - say, meet outside with masks on. Most of my friends who had pregnancies during this period did things like that. We stuck to small groups or pairs, wrapped up warm/took umbrellas and did things outside, and joked about awful weather, had a laugh about it all.

There were a few friends (pregnant or not) who drifted away because they just wouldn’t do anything. I thought they might be lonely, and repeatedly tried to reach out: “I can come to your area, we could have a nice walk and chat around the local park, maybe bring some thermoses of coffee etc.” They kept saying no, and gradually the friendship just died. Tried zoom chats, but because they were going absolutely nowhere and doing absolutely nothing they had nothing to talk about, I didn’t feel comfortable telling them about things I was doing because they would feel rude/excluding, and frankly the extreme COVID caution was starting to make me feel kind of judged - like they were looking down on me for not being as hyper-locked down as they were. So attempts at zoom chats were just plain awkward and I stopped that too.

I haven’t really been in touch since, and get the impression from their social media that their lives are still very limited and they have lost a lot of their friends. The feelings of judgment from COVID have rankled a bit, to be honest, so I haven’t felt any desperate urge to rekindle the friendship.

This sort of thing always tends to happen when you’re the first of a friend group to have a child. It’s absolutely shit.

Maternity leave can be so lonely and you feel like people just don’t want to bother with you anymore. People stop inviting you places “because of the baby”, without even asking you. And then the longer you’re left out of plans, the less likely you are to be included in future ones.

I wouldn’t necessarily blow up at that them (only because then they’ll unite together and just bitch about you because people typically don’t like when their bullshit is called out, and would rather blame you than take responsibility for their own actions), but I would take a huge step back.

You will absolutely make new friends. You don’t need people who go behind your back. It feels like shit now but I found once I was back at work I felt so much better regarding lost friends. I was around new faces and was able to pick up pretty quickly with new friendships.

It’s never easy losing anyone, especially when there’s years of memories tied into a person, but you do get to a point where you look back and realise they weren’t a true friend, even long before the pregnancy. You’ll notice things that they did that were selfish that you just didn’t pick up on before. You’ll realise how many times you subconsciously gave them a free pass.

Just be careful, though. These people tend to be users. Right now, they don’t need you so they don’t care. But they’ll need you again eventually. Just be wary about their intentions when they do coke back into your life.

If they got bored of a pregnant woman not wanting to meet up over the covid lock down period, then they're shitty friends and @Budsofmay deserves better

This happened to me and I cut them all out. Couple years have gone by now and I feel so much freedom not having to grin and bear awkward situations and being left out and general snide behaviour. I've had a second child since and honestly I haven't made any new friends but I'd rather not have any than know people like that.

The actual lockdowns (when everyone was genuinely very limited) didn't last all that long, but the poster here mentioned two pregnancies, which together must have taken over two years or so!

The lockdowns were one thing. But I think a lot of us did get a bit tired of people who wouldn't even do super safe stuff like an outdoor walk or coffee with one other person, and then stayed like that for two years and even after vaccinations etc..

In my experience, people who actually value friendship and are not paranoid or anti social by nature, found ways to see friends over the COVID period, even if we had to put thermals on and do things outside for a while, stick to local areas, stick to very small groups etc. Even if they were pregnant.

Whilst I understand your disappointment, I think it's just a case of your friend having limited spaces available and chose the people she most wanted there. There wasn't room for everyone. You've said yourself you're an introvert and find some social occasions a chore. I guess she just feels closer to these other friends. That's not wrong.
As for your daughter's 1st birthday...I think it's unlikely anyone would come. I mean unless it's your child (or one you're close to) whod want to go. How many children's parties have you attended in the last few years? Be realistic, you're at different stages of life. Of course that doesn't mean you need to 'fall out' but you might want to reassess your friendships and develop some new ones.

If they're good friends, have a conversation about how you're feeling about it all. Talk about the changes since you became a mum. Not just in an accusatory manner but in a vulnerable "I didn't realise how becoming a mum would change things" way and see how you can all come through it together.

Relationships will change when the dynamics change but it doesn't mean it has to be the end of friendships.

I would be hurt too. I can only assume its because you now have a child and they thought it would be too hard to include you. You only need to see the threads on here to see how people get the impression that people with kids end up being so entitled. I think they meant no harm, it may be worth talking to them (nicely?)

Don't cut them off, you need as many friends as possible when you have a baby! Terrible advice

Is it possible that they just assumed that you wouldn't want to leave the baby for a weekend/wouldn't be able to get childcare for a weekend?

I'd probably let them know that you could have gone & would have liked to.

Then play it by ear?

Not sure that I'd dump them all but it's possible that they just didn't think rather than didn't want you there?

Don’t cut them out but definitely start to look for other friends

It’s hard because you say you’re an introvert and usually find big things a chore and maybe others picked up on this so didn’t invite you? I have a friend like this, always cancels, always poorly, negative and brings the vibe down so I’ve given up inviting her or making contact. Sounds like maybe they did the same but it was harsh to single you out and post pics without you. I’d try and get over it and make more of an effort with them and see what happens… if you still get no responses, then yes just slowly move away from them as they’re not real friends.

You are going in different directions ultimately. They are not interested in baby stuff and you are now all at alternative stages of life. I would focus on finding or maintaining friendships with mothers with babies and children, I think you will find it far more supportive and rewarding.

I would put your old friends on the back burner and make no further efforts to arrange anything.
Focus on enjoying motherhood, making new friends and broadening your social circle. It’s sad when old friendships hit the rocks, and maybe it will come good in time when they catch up with you, but for now it doesn’t work for you and your life, and that’s okay.
.

OP I think sound absolutely awesome and normal! I hope you can patch things up with your friends and give them one more chance. It could well be a bump that you get over x