Shunned by friends

[hellsnos]

Right. So this has ended up upsetting me way more than I ever thought it would. I’m generally an introvert, like my own company and big social outings were usually a bit of a chore. But since having my dd obviously my social life’s taken a hit, as it does, and so I’m sort of looking for chances to meet up with friends and feel a connection a) outside of my home and b) to a relationship that existed before I became a mum.

Anyway, long story short, a friend won a stay away for a weekend, and invited everyone but me (I’m the only one with a child). She accidentally let it slip when I asked her when her next holiday was, and it was that sort of way where you could see she wished she could pick up all the words and put them back in her mouth. Really awkward. I didn’t have much option but to sort of force a smile and pretend to be fine about it, understanding now I have a baby bla bla bla. But deep down I was hurt. Not so much that we weren’t invited, per se; it only slept so many and so she’d have to have left someone out. It was more because we all have one big group chat…..and so it was obvious that she’d have had to create a completely separate one without me in order to invite everyone without me knowing. It’s the secrecy that stung.

Anyway, the hurt feelings (and possibly bashed ego) has festered while they were away, posting lovely pics all together having a great time, and now I’m at a precipice and considering cutting them all out. Perhaps a bit extreme, and I could understand why it might seem vindictive….but it’s really not coming from that place. It’s more that when I try and engage or plan things, I end up disappointed or hurt when nobody takes me up on things, or even replies to what I say in the group chat. I told them it was my dd’s 1st birthday party soon and nobody’s really said if they’ll come or not, just some platitudes about not believing it’s been a whole year etc. So, yeah, in short it’s about altering and managing expectations in order to avoid being hurt again, rather than punishing them or throwing my toys out the pram.

Thanks for reading. Complete first-world problems, I appreciate, but there we go. Would really appreciate any insight/ advice anyone may have.

Well, you're a delight.

Enjoy picking on people when they're low do you?

I’m generally an introvert, like my own company and big social outings were usually a bit of a chore. But since having my dd obviously my social life’s taken a hit, as it does, and so I’m sort of looking for chances to meet up with friends and feel a connection

Well then it makes sense to find some friends who are more like you. Friendships drift if you keep yourself to yourself and aren't really into socialising. People simply wont hang around so you can pick up friendship and put it down as and when you please, that's just life

Friends let us down and we let them down sometimes. Also, when me and a couple of friends didn't have children til very late, we avoided people who did when socialising. There's a bit of a natural split goes on in that phase of life. I would stay friends and pretend you don't mind. They are people you like socialising with so take that as a positive and enjoy it when you can.

Sorry I gave off that impression -I think my reaction to getting hurt is to get defensive and minimise a lot. Even on an anonymous forum. I don’t treat my friends like things I can pick up and put down…I was more talking about how much more these bits of socialisation mean to me now that I have less opportunity to join in.

I get it Op, I would be very hurt and my instinct would be to move on. Like you say, it's the secrecy that hurts. And there's no excuse not to invite you and your husband. Having a baby is a huge life event and real friends would not only accept that but try to show some sort of interest...not because they like babies, but because it's important to you, their friend. The same way we would show interest if someone went on holiday, moved house, got a new job, had a death in the family etc. It's the give and take of true friendship. I would absolutely move on.

You sound like a shit friend.

Awch, this made me quite emotional reading it! And, actually, it’s sort of tempered the rage a bit and made me think of the ways they have tried to take an interest, and ended up making it all feel a lot less painful and sad. So thank you, really appreciate it.

I would be hurt too OP, especially by the secrecy aspect. But on the birthday thing, did you specifically ask if they would be coming? Because they may have thought you were just sharing the news.

Yep, nailed it. I hope at least some of them do have kids in the future…apart from the obvious reasons of it being lovely and a joyous thing I want them to experience* , I’m sort of hoping I might become useful again. But at this rate I’m worried we won’t even be talking anymore by then.

*and before anyone uses this as proof that I’m an insufferable baby-obsessive with no tact: no, I haven’t said this to them/ been preachy about how amazing motherhood is. That would be daft/ potentially hurtful to people I care about.

We lost all our friends when I became pregnant.

One woman who was the Queen Bee of the group was particularly horrible

Her husband I think had a word with her as even he was shocked at her attitude towards us

He invited us round for a meal to help mend fences but we couldn’t look her in the face again so we declined and that was 20+years ago. We haven’t seen any of them since

Get together with other mums when you go out with your Dd. It is hard making friends but when you have a baby and do baby stuff. I seemed to connect with others who were going through the same things.

Op this really is not your fault!

Your friend could and should have discreetly spoken to you about the weekend away before doing anything else. I would never leave a friend out, we would have dropped the dhs in this scenario and had a girls break or a lucky hat. Not quietly organised a chosen few. I don’t think she ‘accidentally’ let it slip either! She was letting you know before it was seen on SM. As instructed by the nicer people in the group.

The fact that you are getting luke warm responses is a bigger issue op. It’s a form of low level bullying. Drop them all, they are not your friends

In my opinion your friends should be excited about your baby's party. In the same way that they might expect you to be excited about their engagement or wedding or 30th etc.
I'd be put out if my friends dismissed something important in my life. My baby recently turned one and my friends (who are childfree by choice) came to the party and celebrated! Surely that's what life/friendship is about!

OP your friends have been shit. Fuck them and get new friends.

I'm sure you will find it will come full circle when they have children. Really, if you don't do any classes, I'll really recommend it. It can take you out of your comfort zone, but its so easy to chat to people and make new friends as you have a big thing in common your baby and their milestones and its so easy to make conversation as you just ask about their baby and they will do the same in return. After a few weeks, you will start to talk about other things, and it really does help fill the void.
If you have the option for overnight childcare, I'd be booking myself a DH in so I can just have a nice meal go to bed early and sleep all night never mind going away.

Tbh I hated being invited to children's birthdays and always then felt put on the spot to send or take a gift, or to give up my precious leisure times standing around while some toddler played with the cake. Child birthdays should be for family and grandparents, not childfree friends.

Would you have taken your husband away with you on a girl's weekend? Maybe that's what they feared.

I think I'd withdraw if I were you, and seek out some local mum friends.

I think you should ask one of them why you were not invited and take it from there. Otherwise, it’s all just guess work.

It’s very hurtful. If you can find a way to forgive them and refresh your friendships, then I would try to. However…
my friends went off for a weekend and I found out from Facebook posts. I’m not particularly friends with them now, chat in passing, but that’s it. It really was upsetting at the time, but now I try to know my worth and either keep to myself & enjoy my family.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a different planet when I read mumsnet. I cannot fathom having friends that weren't interested in my life, and that includes the fact I have children. Like you OP, I'm the first of many friendship group to have children - they're all way off that stage of life yet, definitely still in post-uni party mode. But I think that's made them more interested in my baby rather than see me as a "boring mum" () - it's a novelty, I suppose.

Some of my friends have some bloody tedious jobs. But despite the fact that I do not care about, for example, accounting and finance and the dramas of such a workplace, I do care when it's related to my friend - I care about anything that's important to my friends! So I will sit and dutifully listen and genuinely want to know about what's going on with them. I can't understand the point of friendship otherwise? If you don't care about them or their lives, it's not really a friend, it's just someone you spend time with out of habit.

And as for first birthdays being boring - my friends actually invited themselves. What are you all doing for first birthdays that is apparently so dull?! A first birthday party is just an excuse for adults to get together with food and cake in my experience - that's what my friends invited themselves for, anyway 🤷‍♀️

OP - I would leave this one. Your friend has been unkind, but if it was her that won the prize and organised the trip then the others couldn't really do anything about it. I wouldn't throw all the relationships away over one person's behaviour.

Do you know what? When my mate had a baby in our 20's, when none of us were remotely close to having babies, we showered her with love and made a fuss of her baby. I have a wee FB photo album with pics of him. Because I loved her - because she was/is my mate.

I don't care what has gone on, there is no excuse for leaving you out this like this and not explaining it to you first. Horrible primary school behaviour. No wonder you feel awful OP.

This was amazing to read, as it just sort of articulated exactly why I’m so put out by it all. Plus of the responses nearly had me cancelling the birthday party completely tbh. And you make a good point about the others not really having much to do with it. But, equally, and I suppose maybe because I know what a shitshow having a kid can be sometimes in terms of self esteem and stress levels etc., I’d have boycotted the invite knowing that a new mum friend was being excluded. But yeah, thanks, appreciate it 🙏🏻😊

I agree with this. Give them another chance. Say you can sort childcare and would love to join next time. If they didn't invite you next time, then I would take it personally and probably distance myself.
I would be excited about my friends baby's first birthday. My first friend to have a baby didn't invite me to her baby's 1st birthday party. When she later mentioned the party she got really upset when she realised I would have liked to have been there. She had just assumed I wouldn't want to, as it would be full of babies and her NCT friends. She was a lovely friend and would never have not invited me if she thought I would have liked to have come. So, be direct with your friends about your dc' party but easy going.
As for parties with 5 (!!) hour long board games, I'm an introvert too and my social battery wouldn't last that long! 5 hours would obviously would be very difficult with a 1 year old, but can you invite them for lunch with a shorter length boardgame? You sound like a lovely person, hope you feel better about it all soon.

I had this with 3 “friends”. I found out at the school gates when they were discussing it but then hushed because I was there. I asked where they were going and they reluctantly told me one of them won a spa day. I had something on anyway that day but it was all done to deliberately leave me out. I barely see them now but it stung at the time.

I wouldn't cut them off completely. As you're the first to have a baby, life has changed so much for you. I would maybe change my friendship priorities though. This is the perfect time for you to meet some new 'mum' friends. It's so good to have friends at the same stage as you and feels like a good support. Your old friends may well be mums in the future and things may pick up again. Keep your options open.

You say your mum came round to help with the childcare before Xmas. That’s a really weird dynamic. I would have hated that if I was your friends.

Perfect.
This and also it may let your friends know that your not only needing "mummy talk' which we are all guilty of sometimes. This will tell them you really DO want to be part of the group and have fun with them. If after this you still feel left out, remove yourself from the chat and find friends more suited to you.

Also don't push the 1st birthday party on friends, don't be offended but it just might not be thier thing, or feel it should be more a kids/family event.

Have a feeling it will work out for you OP x