Shunned by friends

[hellsnos]

Right. So this has ended up upsetting me way more than I ever thought it would. I’m generally an introvert, like my own company and big social outings were usually a bit of a chore. But since having my dd obviously my social life’s taken a hit, as it does, and so I’m sort of looking for chances to meet up with friends and feel a connection a) outside of my home and b) to a relationship that existed before I became a mum.

Anyway, long story short, a friend won a stay away for a weekend, and invited everyone but me (I’m the only one with a child). She accidentally let it slip when I asked her when her next holiday was, and it was that sort of way where you could see she wished she could pick up all the words and put them back in her mouth. Really awkward. I didn’t have much option but to sort of force a smile and pretend to be fine about it, understanding now I have a baby bla bla bla. But deep down I was hurt. Not so much that we weren’t invited, per se; it only slept so many and so she’d have to have left someone out. It was more because we all have one big group chat…..and so it was obvious that she’d have had to create a completely separate one without me in order to invite everyone without me knowing. It’s the secrecy that stung.

Anyway, the hurt feelings (and possibly bashed ego) has festered while they were away, posting lovely pics all together having a great time, and now I’m at a precipice and considering cutting them all out. Perhaps a bit extreme, and I could understand why it might seem vindictive….but it’s really not coming from that place. It’s more that when I try and engage or plan things, I end up disappointed or hurt when nobody takes me up on things, or even replies to what I say in the group chat. I told them it was my dd’s 1st birthday party soon and nobody’s really said if they’ll come or not, just some platitudes about not believing it’s been a whole year etc. So, yeah, in short it’s about altering and managing expectations in order to avoid being hurt again, rather than punishing them or throwing my toys out the pram.

Thanks for reading. Complete first-world problems, I appreciate, but there we go. Would really appreciate any insight/ advice anyone may have.

Leaving you out is a dick move and not how a friend behaves. A friend did similar and I decided to move on. We have reconciled since but she made contact and apologised and acknowledged she was an arsehole. We’re broadly ok now but it was nasty and not something I’d do.

No one without children would really care about a 1 year old’s birthday. That part I wouldn’t care about.

Im confused a bit..do you take the baby when you meet your friends? Can you leave the baby at home with your bloke and arrange to meet them?

You wouldn't expect your bloke and baby to be invited along to a girl's weekend either would you?

Dynamics always change when you're the first one to sprog. It's just the way it is. It's tricky for a few years

Not especially…I did expect them to have the balls to give me a solid yes or no, though.
Ah come on - you have to give them a bit of time to come up with a credible excuse. It's not easy to say no thanks to a kid's party when you feel you ought attend but really, really don't want to.

I would cut them off because when you try to organise things they don’t want to do them

No, it wasn’t a girls’ weekend. It was all the girls and their respective partners. So it insinuates my husband was left out, too. No, I don’t bring my baby everywhere I go. What’s with this being brought up again and again? Do people have a lot of beef with baby-obsessed friends on here? On mumsnet? 😂

This made me chuckle and cheer up a wee bit, so thanks 😊 I do get it, it’s not something I’d be falling over myself to attend if it wasn’t my own kid, either. But I’d be supportive, I’d be polite and I’d be honest.

People are just suggesting reasons/their own experiences why this kind of thing happens. And you're posting quite shirty dismissive responses and laughing emojis.

@hellsnos

Are you the first out of all the friends to have a child? If so are any of them close to starting a family in the next few years?

I know, but many people don't find it easy - esp when it's a 'kid thing' and they feel they should be involved as a friend but really don't want to as it means giving up free time in order to do "parent type things" that aren't enjoyable or relevant.
Your friends probs need to be honest with you - as others have said, the secrecy of their actions is the hurtful element of all this.

That's really shit about the weekend away. If the house had 8 beds and there are 9 of you in the group chat I'd expect us to take turns on a sofa or blow up mattress rather than leaving 1 person out. Or have 2 people rent a hotel room nearby and split the cost or perhaps someone would have been happy only coming for 1 day or something.

But agree with others I can't think of anything less fun than going to a 1 year olds birthday, sorry. I also imagine it's one of those things where it's awkward to just ignore but equally awkward on a group chat for everyone to decline one after the other with what by the xth person are clearly excuses and I can't imagine that would have made you feel great either.

Is there anyone in the group that you get on better with and can have a 1-1 conversation with about how much it has affected you? Even though I 100% don't think it is your fault, you can pretend you're worrying that it is if that's an easier way to bring it up? e.g. "I'm worried I haven't been making enough of an effort/only talk about baby etc.?"

I think cutting all ties is a bit drastic, after all the other people in the group were in a bit of an awkward situation - if friend 1 was actively hosting the event they couldn't really invite you to her party if she hadn't and they might have thought telling you would upset you, which it has. Also over the next few years the group dynamic will change again - if it's a group of women in their late 20s/30s the chances are a few of them will start having kids.

If it was essentially a couples retreat with limited space I’m not surprised you, the only one with a child, drew the short straw. Sure, you could have arranged childcare, but easier to just ask a child free friend.

The implicit secrecy sucks though, you’d hope long standing friends would be above that even if, in their minds, it was for a good reason.

Yep totally agree. It's not the fact you weren't invited it's the underhand way of going about it by not inviting you. Setting up a separate group chat is frankly appalling.

Your 'friends' are behaving like absolute shits.

Well it's a bit shit being left out - I'd ask why? But also I wouldn't invite childless friends to a first baby party! That is really only for close family (and possibly friends with small children).

Maybe they got bored of you saying no.

Honestly, OP, you sound a bit belligerent about it all. By your own account you found social outings a ‘chore’, but now you have a baby you feel an urge to connect with your friends, at a life stage when you’re less available for the kind of thing and at the kind of times your otherwise childfree group prefers. Now you’re cross you weren’t consulted about a weekend away, when you would presumably have been far less interested in it before you had a baby? It just sounds rather as if you feel your friends should realise you’ve had a change of heart about their importance. And maybe they do — maybe they don’t really want to attend your baby’s party, but suspect it’s a big deal for you, and it makes them hesitate.

(For what it’s worth, I think it’s very unusual to ask a group of friends to a baby birthday — I don’t think I’ve ever been to one, and my friends have been having babies for nearly 25 years…)

@crumpledhornedsnorcack that was a really shitty response. @Budsofmay emphasised with the OP and shared her own experience, with added hugs. Picking on her is a really low thing to do.

*empathised. Autocorrect.

I’m certainly not trying to be shirty/ dismissive - the last one about kids birthday parties genuinely did cheer me up because it was funny and true. The others, I was trying to clarify some misunderstandings/ assumptions about how nice I was to my friends originally/ how much I talk about my children. There was a lot of “mums just talk about their kids and it’s boring” stuff that I think is a) not justified and b) detracting from a very real problem of people feeling isolated when they have children. I appreciate everyone’s advice, but telling me it’s because I’m a boring mum isn’t really it.

I do, actually, take on board all the points of view and like that there have been people telling me it’s worth trying to save, as well as the more cathartic “fuck ‘em” messages which helped to validate my feelings. The laugh/cry emoji is just a millennial hangover that belies a bit of self-consciousness and awkwardness. Honest.

Hope that was less shirty. 😂

hear hear 😬

True though! You can only invite someone so many times with them saying no constantly before you just get to the point of 'why bother asking'

I'm not picking on her.. she posted on a forum and I responded, if that's your argument I'm also picking on you by responding.

Totally understandable that a couple with a baby were left out of a couples weekend. Now you have a baby there are going to be things you can't do so easily. But it's totally fine to let your friends know how you feel to get it off your chest, no need to seeth in private. Just send a message on the group WhatsApp saying "pics looked awesome, very jealous. Can we do something I can come to next time?" And suggest something.

@hellsnos

I do totally understand where you are coming from. I have been both sides of this I was later than my friends to have children as I am younger and had misscarrages. I have been the party person when others are at home with their children and feel left out but now the roles are reversed their kids are growing up and we decided to have another child and so we are back in toddler mode and they are starting to experience the fun child free life again. Honestly, it goes in circles if you do genuinely like your friends, which you must do to feel the way you do, just be patient and try and keep the bond. Maybe try some baby/toddler classes to meet some new mum friends to fill that void. There is nothing wrong with keeping yourself away from all the partying and also saying to your friend you understand why you couldnt go or were the one to be excluded but you were absolutely gutted you missed out as it looked really fun and you'd love to do something like that with them all again in the future if they were up for it.
Honestly, they will start having children too, and when they do, you'll be glad you didn't cut them off same applies for when your child gets older you will soon feel you want to be included again.
Failing that if they are just not very nice cut them off.

You asked for insight and are getting a range of honest answers. People have valid opinions/experiences on this that might not fit in with what you’d like to hear. I agree with @maddy68
I think it would be fair enough for your friends to assume if they invited you and your partner, that you would bring the baby along and that would change the tone of the whole weekend, or even spoil it for some. And there’s probably no polite way of them telling you not to bring the baby. Friends do change once they have kids, nothing wrong with that, but there comes a point where people start to gravitate towards those they have most in common with. It must be hard being the first one to be left out of a plan like this but it’s also strange for your friends now your priorities are so completely different.