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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider driving kids 120 miles (3 hours) round trip mom-fri for a year?

137 replies

Helpmegetajob · 28/02/2023 17:53

We are hopefully moving to a new place in the next couple of months but year 5 DS really wants to finish primary at his current school. This would mean doing this journey each week day for 9 months until July 24 …So …

yes you are being unreasonable to keep his current schools and commute

no you are not being unreasonable to keep his current school.

any ideas on if the school would object?

OP posts:
CallieQ · 01/03/2023 01:00

YABVU
Madness

TheTeenageYears · 01/03/2023 01:32

Aside from all the other reasons the school shouldn't allow it. Not only is it not in the best interests of your child it's depriving another child who moves to the area of a local school place. You made a promise you can't or don't want to keep so that's what you need to address. Apologise, explain and compensate. Children adapt, how you handle things from this point onwards is what they'll remember.

Ihadenough22 · 01/03/2023 01:39

Your child is 9. Your the adult here. He needs to be aware that you driving that distance every day can't be done. The reality is that you will be up so early each morning, put up a lot of milage on your car and the maintenance, tyres and petrol/diesel costs will be a lot as well.
Also that driving distance each day will be hard even without road works, busy roads and bad weather.
It far better for him to move to a new school and make friends before going into secondary school. Also when you move into the new area you can look into the secondary schools and get one that suits your children.

LadyJ2023 · 01/03/2023 01:43

Unfair on any kid making there day even longer traveling

Stompythedinosaur · 01/03/2023 02:20

Better to move him now and build friends for high school.

oneyouknow · 01/03/2023 04:04

So what are you going to do when there is a serious holdup on the roads, unexpected roadworks. You become ill for a period of time, your car breaks or needs servicing.

Coming from some one who drives alot it will also take it's toll on your kids, they won't concentrate properly at school after that run especially if caught in traffic for hours.

Zanatdy · 01/03/2023 04:33

Yeah that’s way too much. Is that time factoring in school traffic too as if you’re going by google maps etc then it’s likely to be a fair bit longer as my journey to school in the morning is a lot longer than my journey home at 3.30 as you’ve got the work and school traffic together

tilestoclean · 01/03/2023 05:43

I truly believe that helping our kids remain in their comfort zone at all times isn't doing them any favours at all. Allow them to suffer some minor adversity in their lives, let them live with some tricky moments. Kids don't need to be shielded like this. My 9 year old will start his 4th school in September. Moving so much has built his confidence and his sense of adventure.
I also agree with previous comments that he will feed off your emotions so if you present it as a difficult, upsetting, sad thing to move then he will of course feel that too.

ivykaty44 · 01/03/2023 05:54

Many people move home and children move school.

you sit down and explain that your D.C. will need to move school and make friends. Change even when positive can be difficult but achievable

as pp said, making friends ready to go to secondary will be beneficial

namechangeforthisbleep · 01/03/2023 06:06

He will get over it. Pandering is a bit daft as he will expect you to make life decisions revolving around him all the time! I mean, I understand it's hard to see him sad but just go with it, don't roll over or you'll be doing that all your life!

RedHelenB · 01/03/2023 06:16

I hated moving in y6. I'd delay the move a year if it was me.

MrsDoyle351 · 01/03/2023 06:17

I did a 1.5 hour commute each way with much older child because of circumstances. One week nearly fricking killed me.

We made alternative arrangements.

bluechameleon · 01/03/2023 06:20

I moved school at the Easter of what is now Y5. I didn't enjoy the rest of primary school as much as I would have done but it was OK. I'm sure it was better starting school with some familiar people, even if they weren't lifetime best friends.

Alaimo · 01/03/2023 06:20

No. Your son might think going to his old school will mean life continue as normal, but it won't. He won't be able to play with other kids after school or weekends, so his existing friendships will probably be negatively affected. At the same time he won't be able to start forming friendships in his new place, because he's barely there. It really is the worst of both worlds.

Squidlydoo · 01/03/2023 06:22

have you considered where there are places for both primary and secondary and whether you would get in?
parents often assume they can move and get into their first choices but often this is not the case as a huge number of schools are over subscribed.

for me this would be the bigger factor. And yes I would look to move now so your child can establish themself before secondary.

you are delaying the inevitable by postponing but please be aware that finding a school may be more challenging that you anticipate

BackT · 01/03/2023 06:26

Far far worse to start secondary not knowing anyone than to move now.

I'd move him straight away with the "promise" to make sure that he gets a lift to see his current friends regularly at weekends and in holidays.

I'd probably sweeten the deal with something he really wants. You shouldn't have promised and now you have to make that good. I know bribery is bad etc etc but think of something her really wants and add that.

"As you are being so grown up about this, we'll bring forward getting you an... iPhone/Xbox/new bike/puppy etc etc"

Coffeecoffeeinmytummy · 01/03/2023 06:29

Sorry but this is a ridiculous idea. It’s actually quite baffling. You’d be letting a 9 year old dictate your entire families lives for over a year. And he thinks it’s what he wants but what about when he gets to secondary and knows no one and then is annoyed about it !

Bellavida99 · 01/03/2023 06:42

I couldn’t do it. I’m thinking of winter icy mornings when it takes me 40 minutes to clear car and do 3 mile school run. Switch now. Short term pain for long term gain. He’ll be fine and at least can do after school clubs and matches and have school friends over

Funkyblues101 · 01/03/2023 06:46

Helpmegetajob · 28/02/2023 18:24

Yes I’ve deducted the holidays as we would be at home and not travelling.

my sense is that they won’t really know anyone at secondary hence my thoughts about starting fresh in year 7

other dc is 5 so reception and I’m less worried about them moving as they seem fine with it

Your child won't have any friends in your new area to play with during the holidays...

rainbowstardrops · 01/03/2023 07:07

Absolute madness! It's just simply not practical.

Like other posters have said, what about hours of driving in filthy winter weather, or traffic jams, car issues, environmental issues etc etc etc?

Also, you're toying with the idea of staying in old area M-F and coming back for the weekend but what about your other child?

Is the new house worth all this?

If the new house is worth all this palaver then you need to step up and be a parent and tell your son it's unavoidable that he moves.

I can't believe you only told him about the move. He's going to have a double whammy now!

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 01/03/2023 07:08

I did it with my child for a term when we moved 20 miles away so he could finish infant school. And it nearly killed me. The petrol costs alone were astronomical and I was working at the time and trying to fit in school runs, work and my other child going to nursery. Honestly I wouldn't.

LlynTegid · 01/03/2023 07:11

I might consider it were it A level year, maybe GCSE, but not for year 5.

MamOfFive · 01/03/2023 07:11

I moved before starting year seven and knew nobody it was horrific. I'd of preferred to have moved for year six and gotten to know kids.

That said 1.5 hours school run is ridiculous, you'd be paying £100s out in petrol not to mention how shattered you'd be.

Quitelikeacatslife · 01/03/2023 07:26

At this age they can be really sentimental about school and home. Please now you've told him get him involved in the move, and focus on positives of new school, go look round (assuming you have one?( get stories of people who went to new school. And put your energy into setting him in instead of clinging on when he will have to go through that anyway later.

kljk78 · 01/03/2023 07:45

No he's better off moving to the new primary so he hopefully makes friends that'll go to secondary with him??