To cut all ties with teenage son

[NinjaBunny87]

This is likely going to be longwinded but all relevant to where things stand right now.

I was a single mum as a teenager myself, his dad cut all ties in the very early years. Attempts made over the years to make contact but was bluntly told "not interested". Had the usual battles over the year with son's behaviour which hit a real brick wall when he was around 13. By this time I'd had 2 more children with my current partner of 10 years, always played a very supportive role as a step dad and did more than his fair share in parenting battles. When my son was around 14 his dad decided to make contact and they spoke, on and off, over the phone. I supported the idea of a relationship but made it clear the effort I had made his whole life to encourage his dad, non contact was nothing to do with my actions or decisions (dad lived other end of the country). He started skipping school, being abusive at home, destructive, sometimes violent towards me. Reached out for help for myself and for him. Help provided for me was limited, son rejected literally years of battling for mental health support, refusal to engage or attend appointments etc. Eventually he was kicked out of school within his last 2 months of year 11 after repeated outbursts at staff and refusal to follow rules. By this time, he had visited his dad a couple of times, a weekend here and there and we were in support of working together to get son on the right track. Got him into college to redo poor GCSEs with the intention of finding an apprenticeship and it lasted 2 months before he was again, asked to leave for disruptive behaviour and refusal to engage in work. We spent the next 2 months in constant battles trying to figure out where to go next, further refusal to help himself or to cooperate with the rest of the family. By this time, my 2 other children were really suffering for the atmosphere in the house and with very little outside family support, we were breaking under the pressure.

As a last ditch attempt to knock some sense into him about what he was doing to his future, I spoke to his dad about the possibility of him staying with him to sort himself out, thinking that the threat might be enough to make some positive changes. Turned out he had a gf living in the same area and jumped at the chance to leave. I tried to ask him to consider all his options but realised I'd made an offer he wasn't going to refuse and between my mum and his dad, he was moved within 2 weeks. Against my wishes. We were in the process of relocating about 40 miles away for partners work and after he made the snap decision to leave, he cut all contact for 2 months. I gave him his space and it turned out to be a good decision. When we spoke again, the pressure was off our relationship not being under the same roof and he'd managed to secure himself an amazing opportunity as an apprentice with a very good company in the field of work he'd always dreamed of and for a short while, things were going well.

Fast forward to last summer and my dad unexpectedly and suddenly passed away, a week before our house move and shortly before my youngest children were starting a new school. My relationship with my eldest remained the best it had been in a long time and I feel like we really connected and supported each other through a tremendous loss. The level of grief I've experienced since losing a parent has overwhelmed me enormously and I've struggled to find myself since it happened, plans for a fresh start in a new area and kick starting a career I put on hold has been put on pause while I try and navigate my way through. I also suffer health issues and a diabetes related eating disorder, I often feel like I'm drowning in what I need to manage. Since finding out I inherited a sum of money after my dad's passing, my son has had an expectation of what I should be providing for him. I offered to help buy him a car after he passed his test, I've put money away for all 3 grandchildren. But then my eldest stopped paying his phone bill (a contract I am paying for) and started spending all of his wages on not just his gf, but his gfs family. Fine, he earns a wage but I wanted money from his grandad to go towards his future. When we didn't receive birthday cards, the visits stopped and he decided not to come home for Christmas I called him out on it. I said we felt used and forgotten and taken for granted. Yet again, son has cut me off, since the beginning of the year. I have reached out to him and when I have refused to send him money, he has blocked me once again. I've tried his gf and his dad and been met with "respect my space." Today's effort has pushed me over the edge. I feel rejected and used, he will not accept responsibility for how he's made someone else feel and trying to make him understand that, without handing over a wad of cash, is falling on deaf ears.

He turns 18 in May and based on history and knowing him inside out and back to front, I know he will suddenly decide to welcome me back with open arms as that approaches. With the expectation I will be going all out for a significant birthday. I desperately want to be a part of his life but I feel like he expects me to pay for it, that my love is measured by how much I'm willing to spend. It wouldn't sit right with me to accept this is how I need to keep him in my life, but then it doesn't sit right not being a part of his life either.

If you've got this far then thank you! Please be kind, this is genuinely tearing me up and I'm at a loss. I'm a mum first and foremost but what it's doing to my mental health is crippling and I have two other children to consider. Any advice or similar experiences would be appreciated

He is too young to be given up on, he still needs a lot of love and guidance

YANBU. My mum is still trying to buy my brother’s approval, and he is in his 40s. You’re absolutely right to break out of that pattern now.

I would have a card and modest gift ready, but don’t give him any money.

I think you have to stick with your gut instinct.

Ultimately even if you gave him money, or a car, or a substantial present, unless you can maintain that he’ll be off again. And you’ll be back to feeling how you feel now.

I would just do whatever you intended to do for his 18th or Christmas or whatever, so he knows you haven’t given up, but I wouldn’t go overboard trying to buy affection, it won’t last.

This sounds really hard and I'm sorry you're going through this. I think all you can do is respect his space but keep the door open. Be clear with him about the money. I am happy to spend £x on a car when you pass your test. I will buy £x or give you £x for your 18th. Then don't budge from this. He needs to learn that he can't keep manipulating you emotionally for financial game. But you're his mum, and you really don't want to close the door completely. Best of luck.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'd suggest you meet up somewhere neutral, maybe a cafe or pub, somewhere he'd like and feel relaxed. Then, I'd suggest you reflect that life has been hard for him and you haven't always done things right, but your relationship is important and you'd like to listen. Really listen, to what went wrong with the relationship from his perspective. Explain you love him and really are interested in listening.

Then I'd suggest you listen. Really really listen. Don't get defensive, don't try and give your side, don't say 'no it wasn't like that ...'. just listen and try v v hard to see things through his own eyes.

Keep reiterating you love him. Ask him how he sees the relationship improving. Ask him if he'd like to hear how things have been from your perspective. If he doesn't want to hear that yet, let him know you respect that and when he's ready to listen to your side of events, you will be happy to chat again about it.

I'd explain you want to be part of his birthday but feel he's angry with you for something and he only wants to see you for money now, but that you don't understand why he's angry, and would like to know and understand. Explain that you would like a longer term relationship with him after the birthday celebrations are all over.

That's my advice! Hope some of it is helpful.

Clearly he's hurting about something. He feels angry about something. It would be lovely to hear him out and truly listen. I know it will be tempting to want him to know how hurt and angry you also are with him. But hold off. If you really want to repair the relationship, you need to hear him first and only after things are better can you then gently begin to put your side. Your side may take a few years before he's able to hear💐💐

What I'm taking from your post is that he stopped paying his phone bill, and he stopped sending you birthday cards. Is this right?

I mean at age 17 I still paid my DS phone bill but everyone has their own set up I understand that. If you want him to pay it just close the account and let him sort his own. Makes no sense that you pay then he pays you anyway.

Is some of this about where you're at too? I have not so long ago lost my Dad, it was an awful place to drag myself back from. You might not be thinking too clearly because of the grief.

if you have to buy his move it’s not love. Make it clear you want to be in his life but not on those terms. The rest is up to him.

I've been where you are OP and it's awful. My son was only civil when I was giving him money. I finally told him that he needed to take along hard look at himself. I said I would always be there for him, but that wasn't enough sadly. I know you love him but you have to protect yourself too. Sending you a big hug.

This section of your post stood out to me: The level of grief I've experienced since losing a parent has overwhelmed me enormously and I've struggled to find myself since it happened, plans for a fresh start in a new area and kick starting a career I put on hold has been put on pause while I try and navigate my way through.

Imagine the grief and pain your son would feel at losing a parent (you). And the loss would not be due to death but to your deliberate decision to cut ties with him, a choice rather than something you have no control over. That is not something that a person could recover from easily, if at all.

He's 17 years old. He needs you. Don't give up on him.

He is only 17, has been through a lot too, none of it his own choosing.

Agree with spending on him, for his birthday, what you would usually spend and treat him as you normally would- anything else would be you withholding money unless he behaves as you want which is no better than him withholding contact unless you spend money.

Model good behaviour, keep telling him you love him.

Since finding out I inherited a sum of money after my dad's passing, my son has had an expectation of what I should be providing for him. I offered to help buy him a car after he passed his test, I've put money away for all 3 grandchildren. But then my eldest stopped paying his phone bill (a contract I am paying for) and started spending all of his wages on not just his gf, but his gfs family. Fine, he earns a wage but I wanted money from his grandad to go towards his future. When we didn't receive birthday cards, the visits stopped and he decided not to come home for Christmas I called him out on it. I said we felt used and forgotten and taken for granted. Yet again, son has cut me off, since the beginning of the year.

You say his lack of funds started last summer. While you are thinking it is to do with being greedy for inheritance, isn’t the cost of living crisis also hitting him? Would that not be why his gf family is asking him to contribute his wages to the household costs? Would that not explain being behind on the phone bill, no money for birthdays or a Christmas visit “from the other end of the country”??

Did you even ask before ‘calling him out’ on not spending money on you as to why he has less money to spend? A son who you said had just supported you through the passing of your dad?

He has every right to your love and care, but he doesn’t have more right to it than your other children do. You have to do what is best for everyone concerned, not just for one person.

OP, I could've written your post and our sons are the same age. I have made the difficult decision to step right back bc I was experiencing the same behaviours, cut off until he wants money. I gave him a substantial amount that I had saved for his 18th and all I got was Cheers. Nothing else & not heard from him since. He didn't want me to be part of his celebrations but to pay for them. I've finally learnt to say no. I also have 2 younger children who need to be considered and that's what I focus on now. It's hard & it's painful but they all need to learn in their own time that it's simply not OK to take advantage or be abusive to their parents. Be really kind to yourself, you've done everything you can.

No cash whatsoever. Card and nice gift. Dont push him. Send cards and messages for occasions but leave him to it. He will soon figure out his game doesn't work.

Kill him with kindness. Speak when he wants to speak but give no cash and dont give into any demands. If he blocks you again, leav him to it. When he comes back again, be nice but again, no cash.

Just shut down when he demands anything. You repeat, "I'm here for you, you have my love and support but I wont be giving you money. You have a job and live with your dad. I paid for everything up until recently "

You can stay in his life and tell him you support him without spending lots of money on him. You’re in a vulnerable emotional position and I wouldn’t make any big decisions especially like this. If he rejects you because you won’t spend money on him then so be it but at some point he’ll come back to you but not if you close the door on him.

"As a last ditch attempt to knock some sense into him about what he was doing to his future, I spoke to his dad about the possibility of him staying with him to sort himself out, thinking that the threat might be enough to make some positive changes. Turned out he had a gf living in the same area and jumped at the chance to leave. I tried to ask him to consider all his options but realised I'd made an offer he wasn't going to refuse and between my mum and his dad, he was moved within 2 weeks. Against my wishes."

This part confused me. You can't talk to his dad about ds going to live with him and then say that, when he went, it was against your wishes.

You then moved 40 miles away.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being unfair but I suspect he'd have a different version of events.

But whatever has happened, he's young, impulsive and struggling with some feelings and behaviours he isn't able to manage. I wouldn't be giving up on him or sending any message that implied that. Fair enough not to hand over money of course.

This. You don't have to be giving him gifts every verse end but I would hope you'd plan to give him a birthday present in his 18th. What you do after that is up to you.

Op he is still a child, both literally as legally.

When I read the title I was expecting to read drug taking, stealing from you, severe violence - cutting off your own child is the most enormous, irreversible decision.

I have read that he is working, doing well, has a gf and his chief crimes now are forgetting your birthday and being materialistic ( plenty of teens are the same) I can’t believe you would cut him off for this. Honestly I am shocked.
Yes his obviously had his issues at school and college but he has moved on. Let him move on. Don’t use his difficulties against him.

I think you some support and counselling - starting with your bereavement, and buy him exactly what you would have done for his 18th before this rupture.

Cut him some slack, be open to his point of view regarding his childhood experiences, be loving and don’t even think about cutting him off (on some level he will know you have checked out) Thank goodness you posted op. Take care

He's 17 which is far too young to give up on him. There's some real mixed messaging in your OP. You suggested he move in with his dad and then say it was against your wishes. What you mean is it happened faster than you wanted or you wanted him to choose you over your exP. You then moved 40 miles away. This could be interpreted as a real rejection by your son. You state you were a teen parent. Imagine if your family had given up on you. How did you feel when you were his age? You weren't making sensible choices either. In the gentlest way OP your response to this situation is quite immature. He's not doing what I like so I'm cutting him out of my life. What he's done is not that awful. Step up and parent your son - don't give him money if you don't want to and set clear boundaries.

Yabu he's only 17. We've all fucked up as teens. Don't ignore his 18th birthday. Get him something meaningful. You're the one who spoke to his dad wanting him to leave your house he probably feels pretty rejected. It's hard growing up without a dad and being expected to be grateful because you have a stepdad and half siblings. Some people always feel like the black sheep in situations like that. Never really fit. Then you meet your real dad and your happy but angry and your hormonal and more angry and everything pisses you off and school is hard and frustrating and you feel like you can't do it so you rebel. And you need support, guidance and a lot of love and understanding. But instead your mum moves 40 miles away and you get asked to move in with your dad who was never there for you. That sounds hard OP. That would hurt. It's understandable I think.

A lot of posters are saying about similar situations with children of similar ages. The thing is- they’re still children! Yes they’re teenagers but they haven’t got the life experience to even think that looking for something from your mum might be construed as using her? Op you told him he should move in with your ex but then expected him to call your bluff, again, how could he have known you didn’t want him to leave? It sounds like he’s making a life for himself, albeit a bumpy one which is fair enough as we all made mistakes to get through life. Try to not see him as a peer/adult/ but as your kid. You’re the adult x Hope the birthday and meet up goes well x

Imagine the grief and pain your son would feel at losing a parent (you). And the loss would not be due to death but to your deliberate decision to cut ties with him, a choice rather than something you have no control over. That is not something that a person could recover from easily, if at all.

He's 17 years old. He needs you. Don't give up on him.

^ i agree. This poor kid has been born into a family with a young emotionally traumatised mum. He has had the odds against him from the start. He needs more not less love. And you need more therapy (I mean this kindly).