To suggest visiting a friend who has just had a baby

[SashaPearce]

No kids so I’m a bit clueless. I’ve seen new mums on here posting that it stresses them out when people want to visit immediately, and that they would rather have some time to hibernate. From a google search it seems like some doctors suggest a new baby shouldn’t be visited by non-family until 2-3 months when they’ve had some vaccinations?

YABU - don’t tell your friend that you’d like to visit, assume that won’t be appropriate for 3 months
YANBU - it’s fine to suggest it, they can say no if they’re not ready yet

What’s the norm?

I wouldn’t invite yourself round I’d send a message along the lines of “congratulations, when you’re ready I’d love to come round and meet the new arrival!”

My relative is due to have a baby soon. We are planning to visit 1-1 1/2 months after the birth if it suits.

Wouldn't want to bother them before.

Well I haven't got kids, so don't have the perspective from that side, but I've quite often visited friends with new babies.
You say something like "I'd love to pop and visit you, is that convenient? If it's a bit early and you don't feel like it no worries." And then they can either say yes or no, and the friendship proceeds unharmed.

This is perfect OP!

I’m due my baby in a couple of months. I would be overwhelmed if a friend came over uninvited but I do not see an issue with sending a text “Hope everything is going well with you and baby - no rush at all but would love to visit once you’re ready, just let me know”

Everyone should absolutely do whatever is best for them (from new parents persepctive, I mean) but I really don't understand this idea on MN about not letting people visit, especially for over a month!

I think I would have more likely been offended if my friends and family hadn't visited me when I'd had my DC. My best friend came to see me before I was even on the ward after I had DD1 and I definitely had visitors in hospital for all 3 (all cs's so was in for a good 4 days with each). Mostly immediate family but also close friends - come to think of it with dd1 I also had a couple of work collegues drop in with gifts and flowers.

My youngest is 15 now though so perhaps guidence has changed.

If I were you I would message your friend and see how she feels.

Totally agree and I would have been offended if my closest friends didn't contact me to ask/arrange when to see my kids when they were born.

All my visitors agreed times/dates with me before hand, just sent me a message asking when/if they could pop down.

It is different for every new mum but all my closest friends and family met our newborns within the first week of them being born (all via c-section)

I was totally fine with all my visitors and was happy to have them visit and enjoy those newborn cuddles

And just to add to my previous post, my 3 closest friends all came to hospital to visit DD the day after she was born (pre covid when visiting was normal)

^^ This is perfect.

Don’t do what my eldest SIL did and turn up every Saturday for a month expecting lunch though. 😂. If you’re planning to stay over a mealtime, offer to bring something or suggest a takeaway.

Have you been invited?

Send a nice message saying 'congrats, so happy for you! Whenever you're back home and settled I'd love to visit but no pressure, hope you're recovering okay and congrats again' or something Make it clear you'd like to visit but don't be pushy.

I absolutely hated feeling pressured when DS was born. I had a really long induction (five days), rough traumatic delivery and then complications postnatally for him and me (him, starvation due to insufficient supply not being picked up on, me left with birth injuries). Some family just didn't get it and were so pushy asking when they could come see him and literally demanding photos and videos daily. We didn't even get him home until he was ten days old and it damaged my opinion of those relatives forever. It was the last thing we needed.

You don't know how they're doing so put feelers out, and allow them to invite you. When they're ready they will. And when you visit my top tip is don't ask to hold the baby, wait to be asked to. It was also awful having people come over and practically demand 'a hold' as if DS was a toy, very stressful.

The other thing is that everyone is different - my tiny flat was an absolute tip when I had a baby in London, having people over would have entailed much housework... but I had to get out every day after a few weeks, so loved meeting friends for a starbucks or similar (starbucks came into its own for me as they reliably had baby change facilities but obviously other locations are available!)

Def just say something like the nice message above or 'I hear it is different for everyone, dying to see you and baby but you just let me know when where will suit you whenever you feel up to it!'

Yes do this and bring food when you do go.

Exactly. People love to sneer on MN at new parents who are a bit shellshocked and want some space but everyone is different and everyone's experience of birth and beyond is different. If someone didn't feel up to visitors days or a week after a major surgery everyone would understand, but women who've given birth are expected to receive visitors the next day with a smile and a cuppa made. It's really awful and better to let the new parents take the lead.

I had a baby during all the covid shit and would have loved it if someone had been able to come round and let me have a cup of tea while they held baby

I had a baby during all the covid shit and would have loved it if someone had been able to come round and let me have a cup of tea while they held baby

I'd much rather have friends over than family in the early days, as friends are less likely to overstay their welcome 😅 Everyone is different with what they can manage. With my first I was pretty out of it for a while so tried to avoid people but with my second he was born 5am and we were at my in laws house for a quick visit at 3pm.

It depends what you mean by visiting. If you mean going with food or a meal and doing whatever is needed to help out, and being sensitive to outstaying your welcome then fine. If you mean going to sit on their sofa whilst expecting the new parents to make you cups of tea then not so fine.

You just ask them, surely?

They are your close friend - you really should be able to ask them if they would like a visit or not. It's not a madly sensitive topic to bring up.

I held my next door neighbour's one day old baby last week and I barely know them.
I had taken in a delivery for them when they had to go into hospital so I'd not just knocked on the door uninvited to hassle them - I had all their new reusable nappies so figured they would need them

They were grateful and so offered me a cup of tea and handed me a tiny baby to hold. Tbh I think they were delighted to have someone to show their tiny human to.

So not everyone wants to remain isolated from the world for months on end after having a baby.

Don’t be pushy but definitely message to say congratulations, ask how they’re getting on and say you’d love to visit when they feel ready. And offer to take along coffee/lunch for them! The 2-3 month wait is a bit ridiculous in my opinion.

There have been a few new babies in our family recently. I've just messaged to say congratulations, don't feel the need to respond as I know it's all a bit chaotic right now but if you need anything you know where I am and we can't wait to meet the little one when you're ready.

Mumsnet is WEIRD about this.

Normal people go to see relatives and good friends babies once they are home from the hospital (or in hospital for really close friends). You don't say "I am coming over this afternoon" but you say "I would love to meet him! When can I come over!". Your friend is probably a normal person who will say "Great! Come tomorrow about 11!"

I absolutely agree, I would much rather that people were enthusiastic about seeing my baby than me feeling like they didn’t care

i personally found the first few months really easy because I healed well, BF was easy etc. I spent a lot of time on the sofa on my phone while feeding so never felt like anyone was “pressuring” me for photos, I had lots of time to take them and send them and loved the compliments! Appreciate this isn’t the case for everyone though

Totally agree!

All of my friends have been up for a visit soon after giving birth and vice versa.

I like the text suggested above.

I didn’t want people over in the first few weeks because I was a mess, constantly sobbing, trying to get to grips with BFing, etc. But everyone is different. Also I wanted friends to express interest in me and the baby even if I wasn’t ready to see them yet.

So just congratulate and ask when they’d like you to visit. When you do visit, bring food and offer to make the tea when you get there.

I think it is always best to just ask the person when its the best time. Everyone is different, some woukdnt mind you coming straight over, others might prefer to have a few weeks to just settle into a routine.

I know myself that the last thing I would want is a revolving door of people while I'm still getting my head around all the sudden chnaged to my life and understanding what to do, how to do it and also recovering.

But one of my friends was happy to have me straight round.

I for one think its quite rude in general to just invite yourself over and never ask what day or time is best ...baby or no baby.

So my advice is to send a congrats and ask them to let you know when is good