Page 3 | To suggest visiting a friend who has just had a baby

SashaPearce · 2023-02-28T13:29:44+00:00

No kids so I’m a bit clueless. I’ve seen new mums on here posting that it stresses them out when people want to visit immediately, and that they would rather have some time to hibernate. From a google search it seems like some doctors suggest a new baby shouldn’t be visited by non-family until 2-3 months when they’ve had some vaccinations? YABU - don’t tell your friend that you’d like to visit, assume that won’t be appropriate for 3 months YANBU - it’s fine to suggest it, they can say no if they’re not ready yet What’s the norm?

Fivews · 28/02/2023 15:31

lasagne is my go to when visiting new parents. tell them you'd love to meet the new arrival, let them suggest a time and place, and handover a homemade meal they can just throw into the oven.

Wonderfulbutwornout · 28/02/2023 15:33

I was so down and lonely after the birth of my children, visitors were always welcome. Unfortunately one of them was born during a lockdown so no visitors. Really is dependant on the person.

DeoForty · 28/02/2023 15:35

I found it easier to meet people outside of the house. Seemed less pressured. You could suggest meeting somewhere where you can get a coffee and push the pram around/walk with a sling. I'd have been up for that!

BeeDavis · 28/02/2023 15:39

I personally couldn’t wait for people to come and visit, honestly it just broke the days up so much because it’s pretty much Groundhog Day the first couple of weeks! It doesn’t hurt to suggest and see what they say.

Dipsydoodlenoodle · 28/02/2023 15:46

Send a message saying you'd love to meet LO when they are settled enough and to let you know when.

megletthesecond · 28/02/2023 15:47

I don't think its weird not wanting visitors when you're in pain, bleeding, can't sit down and have leaking breasts.

Lavender14 · 28/02/2023 15:49

I'd message, check in on how mum and baby is doing and say I'd love to come see you, let me know when you're feeling ready for visitors no rush. Then arrive on time, with food, make yourself a cuppa or decline altogether and stay no longer then 30/40minutes and ask mum how she is doing. That's generally good etiquette.

turrrniiipz · 28/02/2023 15:53

@girlfriend44 I have no idea but patience is wearing a bit thin now especially when they were at my hospital bedside the same day I gave birth all times and were welcome to visit anytime after I was home.

It just feels a bit mean now especially towards the grandparents and the kids who have been built up with excitement about their new baby cousin!

They won't like it when people give up making any effort and assume they don't want to see family

ShirleyPhallus · 28/02/2023 15:53

megletthesecond · 28/02/2023 15:47

I don't think its weird not wanting visitors when you're in pain, bleeding, can't sit down and have leaking breasts.

But not everyone is, that’s why some people find it odd

Oohhhh · 28/02/2023 15:57

A lot of people on MN would suggest only meeting the newborn on their wedding day or mad shit like that. But in reality, I'd be gutted if my friends and family weren't chomping at the bit to come and see us! Putting it out there to say let me know when you are ready for visitors is perfect. It says you're thinking of them but want to give them the space they need xx

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/02/2023 15:57

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/02/2023 14:14

Mumsnet is WEIRD about this.

Normal people go to see relatives and good friends babies once they are home from the hospital (or in hospital for really close friends). You don't say "I am coming over this afternoon" but you say "I would love to meet him! When can I come over!". Your friend is probably a normal person who will say "Great! Come tomorrow about 11!"

I couldnt agree more with this only on mumsnet have I ever seen or read about people wanting to hide away with their newborn and not show them off to friends and relatives, especially in laws they have to wait till the baby is walking and talking before they get a look in

phoenixrosehere · 28/02/2023 16:04

turrrniiipz · 28/02/2023 14:45

My brother and sister in law had a baby two weeks ago and still haven't allowed any family to go and visit (we all live within 20 minutes of each other). Not even the babies grandparents. Child cousins feel upset they haven't been able to visit their baby cousin and everyone is starting to feel a bit put out that nobody has been allowed round.

The only reason we have had is 'we are not ready'.

From what they've said it was straight forward, home within 24 hours, no c-section, discharged from the midwife etc.

Hand on heart we are not a pushy family, nobody wouldn't turn up unannounced, wouldn't outstay their welcome, kids wouldn't be a nuisance they are all well behaved and wouldn't be allowed to mess about. We would all happily visit at separate times so not to overload them.

I just don't get it. But the longer this goes on the more awkward it will become and then they will be whinging that nobody is bothering to make an effort with them. All the young cousins are very close and it will be a shame if they continue to make such a fuss as time goes on that it prevents these bonds forming as they get older.

I think everyone who has just had a baby should take some time out, but there's really no harm in having the odd closest to you pop round for half an hour.

I would just say" congratulations and let me know when would be a good time for you to have me pop round for a quick visit".

It’s only been two weeks. If they’re not ready, they’re not ready. It’s not really for you to understand.

There is plenty of time to build bonds. I don’t understand the whole bond-building with a newborn who won’t know, remember and will likely be asleep most of the time.

We live hours away from family and the cousins are close despite this even though they only see each other in person about four times a month.

VickyEadieofThigh · 28/02/2023 16:06

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/02/2023 13:36

I wouldn’t invite yourself round I’d send a message along the lines of “congratulations, when you’re ready I’d love to come round and meet the new arrival!”

This. Or "Let me know when you're feeling up to a visit..."

Oohhhh · 28/02/2023 16:07

Lavender14 · 28/02/2023 15:49

I'd message, check in on how mum and baby is doing and say I'd love to come see you, let me know when you're feeling ready for visitors no rush. Then arrive on time, with food, make yourself a cuppa or decline altogether and stay no longer then 30/40minutes and ask mum how she is doing. That's generally good etiquette.

I'd feel odd if a friend turned up and started making themselves a cup of tea when it's not something they've ever done in my house before! Also turning up with a meal made, it could be something we don't eat or we've already eaten. And only staying 30 mins. This shows how everyone is different in what works for them. Best thing is to offer rather than assume, ask do they need anything from the supermarket, by all means offer to make the drink if you're offered one, and stay as long as seems right. No need to cut it all short at 30 mins when your friend/relative could be delighted you're there and want to chat etc.

Somuchgoo · 28/02/2023 16:07

Everyone is different, so I'd just ask

For me personally, I saw one friend in hospital as she happened to be working up there, and another I found it was passing through my town the day I came home from hospital so she stopped for a cuppa. I think I'd been home about 20m 😂

Most close friends had met them within the first week or two, we hosted friends for dinner within the first week etc. It was a great time and I just reached to see everyone!

Floomobal · 28/02/2023 16:08

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/02/2023 13:36

I wouldn’t invite yourself round I’d send a message along the lines of “congratulations, when you’re ready I’d love to come round and meet the new arrival!”

Exactly this! And when you go, offer to make tea or coffee rather than being served.

showstopper100 · 28/02/2023 16:13

My FIL lives abroad and wanted to plan his visit with us 3 weeks after my due date for our DC2.

We hadn't seen him for nearly 3 years due to the pandemic unfortunately but there was no way I was agreeing to a visit that soon after giving birth.

If I'd gone overdue we technically could have had a 2 week old baby.

He's in his 70s, doesn't like to do anything apart from sit in the house and insists on visiting for 10 days - no less.

Me and my DH had words about this, I had to put my foot down and say no. I don't think they liked it but 🤷🏻‍♀️

We compromised and he came for 5 days when I was 7 months pregnant and 10 days when DC2 was 12 weeks.

A little off topic but this is how I felt regarding visitors/people staying.

pggtiiips · 28/02/2023 16:13

I think it's completely normal for visitors a day or 2 after mum and baby are home from hospital, and if the woman is happy with it even a hospital visit.

Of course the mothers needs should be put first but I think it's really off to keep family away for a prolonged period of time.

Unless you've had a particularly traumatic birth or illness afterwards it's not exactly crazy for close family and friends to want to visit.

Though on that note, I've noticed in recent years, probably due to an increase in vloggers etc on social media, so many women now say they had a traumatic birth and it actually sounds pretty text book! Painful, long, hard, exhausting, but not traumatic in the literal sense of the word. I think some people enjoy the drama of it.

My friend kept saying traumatic birth last year, she had a full term spontaneous labour with a variety of pain relief available, no tearing or stitches, healthy baby, no lasting effects from the labour, it was a normal healthy birth! Home the same day.

My other friend mentioned in the same conversation that she tore from her bum to her vagina after an emergency situation with forceps and needed major surgery to repair it before being discharged. She soon stopped saying she'd been through a trauma

phoenixrosehere · 28/02/2023 16:16

pggtiiips · 28/02/2023 16:13

I think it's completely normal for visitors a day or 2 after mum and baby are home from hospital, and if the woman is happy with it even a hospital visit.

Of course the mothers needs should be put first but I think it's really off to keep family away for a prolonged period of time.

Unless you've had a particularly traumatic birth or illness afterwards it's not exactly crazy for close family and friends to want to visit.

Though on that note, I've noticed in recent years, probably due to an increase in vloggers etc on social media, so many women now say they had a traumatic birth and it actually sounds pretty text book! Painful, long, hard, exhausting, but not traumatic in the literal sense of the word. I think some people enjoy the drama of it.

My friend kept saying traumatic birth last year, she had a full term spontaneous labour with a variety of pain relief available, no tearing or stitches, healthy baby, no lasting effects from the labour, it was a normal healthy birth! Home the same day.

My other friend mentioned in the same conversation that she tore from her bum to her vagina after an emergency situation with forceps and needed major surgery to repair it before being discharged. She soon stopped saying she'd been through a trauma

Though on that note, I've noticed in recent years, probably due to an increase in vloggers etc on social media, so many women now say they had a traumatic birth and it actually sounds pretty text book! Painful, long, hard, exhausting, but not traumatic in the literal sense of the word. I think some people enjoy the drama of it.

I think some people find certain things about it more traumatic than others and there is nothing wrong with that. Women who had straightforward, “easy” births can still be traumatised and have PND.

AChicken · 28/02/2023 16:36

pggtiiips · 28/02/2023 16:13

I think it's completely normal for visitors a day or 2 after mum and baby are home from hospital, and if the woman is happy with it even a hospital visit.

Of course the mothers needs should be put first but I think it's really off to keep family away for a prolonged period of time.

Unless you've had a particularly traumatic birth or illness afterwards it's not exactly crazy for close family and friends to want to visit.

Though on that note, I've noticed in recent years, probably due to an increase in vloggers etc on social media, so many women now say they had a traumatic birth and it actually sounds pretty text book! Painful, long, hard, exhausting, but not traumatic in the literal sense of the word. I think some people enjoy the drama of it.

My friend kept saying traumatic birth last year, she had a full term spontaneous labour with a variety of pain relief available, no tearing or stitches, healthy baby, no lasting effects from the labour, it was a normal healthy birth! Home the same day.

My other friend mentioned in the same conversation that she tore from her bum to her vagina after an emergency situation with forceps and needed major surgery to repair it before being discharged. She soon stopped saying she'd been through a trauma

You suck. Truly. Surprised you have any friends tbh.

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2023 16:38

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/02/2023 13:36

I wouldn’t invite yourself round I’d send a message along the lines of “congratulations, when you’re ready I’d love to come round and meet the new arrival!”

This.
If she is feeling well and coping with all the new challenges she may well be delighted to show off her beautiful baby and hear news from the outside world. If she isn't she can suggest a date in a couple if weeks/ whenever. I was so sick during my pregnancy that not being pregnant was an amazing feeling and I just wanted to eat all the things I couldn't bear to look at for 9 months and show off my baby.If people brought cake I practically bit their arm off.

jannier · 28/02/2023 16:40

It's really strange, mums used to love to show off their babies and it used to be advised to get out asap to avoid PND with mums often returning to work at 12 weeks. Now we seem to have returned to the idea of lying in hiding away as the only way to bond with our children. Strangely 90's and 00s babies didn't get infected. When parents have second children you have to get on with it baby Friday school run Monday.
Id just say congratulations let me know when I can come and meet.....

shakeitoffsis · 28/02/2023 16:46

I loved having guests. I would say come at 4 but someone else is coming at 5 and get a few out of the way on the same day.

SoonBeTeaTime · 28/02/2023 16:48

Congratulate her and leave the ball firmly in the mum's court when or if she wants visitors. Close friends I'd happily have round in the first week, even if you are in agony and look like shit you aren't going to be bothered and just be glad of the company (that's me, obviously everyone is different). I actually prefer friends visiting at this time to family if I'm honest, your friends are coming to see you and check on you, not just come to play pass the baby and ignore you. My friends visited and they brought me a gift, not just the baby a gift, I felt like they were genuinely concerned about me, unlike most people (in laws mainly) who are just focused on the baby and how the baby is doing.

So if your friend does invite you over be sure to take the mum something too, it's not all about the baby, the mum needs some love and attention too.

jannier · 28/02/2023 17:00

megletthesecond · 28/02/2023 15:47

I don't think its weird not wanting visitors when you're in pain, bleeding, can't sit down and have leaking breasts.

Most people are not unable to sit or in lots of pain. yet no visitors seems to be the trendy birth plan based on a couple of US sites.