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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest visiting a friend who has just had a baby

114 replies

SashaPearce · 28/02/2023 13:29

No kids so I’m a bit clueless. I’ve seen new mums on here posting that it stresses them out when people want to visit immediately, and that they would rather have some time to hibernate. From a google search it seems like some doctors suggest a new baby shouldn’t be visited by non-family until 2-3 months when they’ve had some vaccinations?

YABU - don’t tell your friend that you’d like to visit, assume that won’t be appropriate for 3 months
YANBU - it’s fine to suggest it, they can say no if they’re not ready yet

What’s the norm?

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 28/02/2023 17:05

turrrniiipz · 28/02/2023 15:53

@girlfriend44 I have no idea but patience is wearing a bit thin now especially when they were at my hospital bedside the same day I gave birth all times and were welcome to visit anytime after I was home.

It just feels a bit mean now especially towards the grandparents and the kids who have been built up with excitement about their new baby cousin!

They won't like it when people give up making any effort and assume they don't want to see family Grin

Agree Odd.
Have they sent pics on WhatsApp or Facebook or anything.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/02/2023 17:06

It was a great time and I just reached to see everyone!

That is exactly how I felt. Happy days!

shopmyfeelings · 28/02/2023 17:08

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/02/2023 13:36

I wouldn’t invite yourself round I’d send a message along the lines of “congratulations, when you’re ready I’d love to come round and meet the new arrival!”

I think this is perfect. They know you want to visit but also know it's in their time. I'd be more than happy with that.

Mariposista · 28/02/2023 17:18

Lightninginabox · 28/02/2023 14:01

The other thing is that everyone is different - my tiny flat was an absolute tip when I had a baby in London, having people over would have entailed much housework... but I had to get out every day after a few weeks, so loved meeting friends for a starbucks or similar (starbucks came into its own for me as they reliably had baby change facilities but obviously other locations are available!)

Def just say something like the nice message above or 'I hear it is different for everyone, dying to see you and baby but you just let me know when where will suit you whenever you feel up to it!'

I am also in the meeting people in neutral territory camp, apart from close family. I’m not a huge fan of entertaining at home though, and love getting out for a coffee.

roarfeckingroarr · 28/02/2023 17:19

Just message with congratulations, say you would love to visit when they feel ready, then arrive with an array of snacks

Heartsandbirds · 28/02/2023 17:31

Definitely send a lovely message saying congratulations and look forward to meeting your gorgeous new tiny person when you’re ready. Let me know if there’s anything I can do
is always welcome too!

BigFeelingsMoment · 28/02/2023 17:31

girlfriend44 · 28/02/2023 15:10

We are not ready what does that even mean. Madness. Say well we are. What is the problem with some people.

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Don’t be this person @SashaPearce and you will be fine 😊

spuddel · 28/02/2023 17:44

I had an eager friend pop round with her idiot loser boyfriend when ds was four days old. I was sitting attached to a breast pump in tears when they rocked up with a case of beer and two bottles of wine, as though it was party time. Dh lost no time in putting them straight out the door.

showstopper100 · 28/02/2023 17:46

spuddel · 28/02/2023 17:44

I had an eager friend pop round with her idiot loser boyfriend when ds was four days old. I was sitting attached to a breast pump in tears when they rocked up with a case of beer and two bottles of wine, as though it was party time. Dh lost no time in putting them straight out the door.

I wouldn't have even answered.

Letstaketotheskies · 28/02/2023 17:50

If she says yes to a visit sometime in the first month or two - bring food! Come after work for an hour with a takeaway for all (esp good for a first baby, less so if she has older kids to put to bed) or suggest lunchtime and you’ll bring something that can just be heated up.

Maybebabyno2 · 28/02/2023 18:32

spuddel · 28/02/2023 17:44

I had an eager friend pop round with her idiot loser boyfriend when ds was four days old. I was sitting attached to a breast pump in tears when they rocked up with a case of beer and two bottles of wine, as though it was party time. Dh lost no time in putting them straight out the door.

God that would have annoyed me no end! I would have loved lots of visitors but unfortunately, April 2020, it wasn't on the cards. This time hopefully we can have friends and family round quickly.

If they rock up with loads of booze though, they will not be staying! Bring a casserole or some coffee pods if you want to be helpful, you're not going to be getting drunk around my 4 day old!!!

hoorayhooray · 28/02/2023 18:33

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/02/2023 13:36

I wouldn’t invite yourself round I’d send a message along the lines of “congratulations, when you’re ready I’d love to come round and meet the new arrival!”

What can I bring? Do you prefer pasta bake or lasagne?

PatientlyWaiting21 · 28/02/2023 19:24

pggtiiips · 28/02/2023 16:13

I think it's completely normal for visitors a day or 2 after mum and baby are home from hospital, and if the woman is happy with it even a hospital visit.

Of course the mothers needs should be put first but I think it's really off to keep family away for a prolonged period of time.

Unless you've had a particularly traumatic birth or illness afterwards it's not exactly crazy for close family and friends to want to visit.

Though on that note, I've noticed in recent years, probably due to an increase in vloggers etc on social media, so many women now say they had a traumatic birth and it actually sounds pretty text book! Painful, long, hard, exhausting, but not traumatic in the literal sense of the word. I think some people enjoy the drama of it.

My friend kept saying traumatic birth last year, she had a full term spontaneous labour with a variety of pain relief available, no tearing or stitches, healthy baby, no lasting effects from the labour, it was a normal healthy birth! Home the same day.

My other friend mentioned in the same conversation that she tore from her bum to her vagina after an emergency situation with forceps and needed major surgery to repair it before being discharged. She soon stopped saying she'd been through a trauma Confused

Giving birth is bloody traumatic!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 28/02/2023 19:29

jannier · 28/02/2023 17:00

Most people are not unable to sit or in lots of pain. yet no visitors seems to be the trendy birth plan based on a couple of US sites.

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I couldn’t sit for about 2.5 weeks, nothing prepared me for this pain, I couldn’t breastfeed because there was no comfortable positions. But yeah we must be in the minority.

TokenGinger · 28/02/2023 19:42

My baby is six weeks old and I'd love a friend to invite themselves around. I get so incredibly lonely some days and I'm fed up of messaging some "friends" who haven't yet bothered to visit to see when they're free.

Not only is it nice to have some adult company during the day, it's also really great to pass baby over for 10-15 minutes to jump in the shower quickly and sterilise some bottles whilst they have cuddles.

HamBone · 28/02/2023 19:55

TokenGinger · 28/02/2023 19:42

My baby is six weeks old and I'd love a friend to invite themselves around. I get so incredibly lonely some days and I'm fed up of messaging some "friends" who haven't yet bothered to visit to see when they're free.

Not only is it nice to have some adult company during the day, it's also really great to pass baby over for 10-15 minutes to jump in the shower quickly and sterilise some bottles whilst they have cuddles.

Congratulations, @TokenGinger!

That type of company is great….my SIL and her DH would turn up for four-hour visits, bring nothing, and expect lunch. I had to put my foot down after a few weeks. 😂

BananaCocktails · 28/02/2023 19:57

I had a traumatic birth DD 3 months prem and a van loaf of family turned up two days later to visit out the blue
it was so overwhelming

ouch321 · 28/02/2023 20:24

From these replies it sounds as though you won't be welcome unless you cook a meal for the new parents or do one or two household chores. Very cheeky.

I can't imagine having these kinds of expectations of guests. They're doing you a favour by taking time out of their day to come over to coo over your child to make you feel good.

katepilar · 28/02/2023 20:37

The main thing is, you dont tell them you'd like to visit, you ask whether she would like a visit and what should you bring round /perhaps a home cooked meal/ ;)
dont worry about vaccinations.

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:39

ouch321 · 28/02/2023 20:24

From these replies it sounds as though you won't be welcome unless you cook a meal for the new parents or do one or two household chores. Very cheeky.

I can't imagine having these kinds of expectations of guests. They're doing you a favour by taking time out of their day to come over to coo over your child to make you feel good.

Sometimes it's nice for someone else to just hold baby so you don't have to for a while, too!

katepilar · 28/02/2023 20:58

Also, dont touch the baby without asking whether its ok. Sometimes the mums feel very protective of their new baby and dont like other people touching them at all, let alone without asking.

HamBone · 28/02/2023 21:08

ouch321 · 28/02/2023 20:24

From these replies it sounds as though you won't be welcome unless you cook a meal for the new parents or do one or two household chores. Very cheeky.

I can't imagine having these kinds of expectations of guests. They're doing you a favour by taking time out of their day to come over to coo over your child to make you feel good.

I think it’s a balance, @ouch321 . A hour’s visit with a cup of tea, great; half a day with expectations of drinking with, being fed a meal, and entertained by the new parents, not so great.

There's plenty of time for that in the future!

SnackSizeRaisin · 28/02/2023 21:23

I'd leave them in peace for a week or 2 and then suggest a visit, unless you are really close in which case you would probably be welcome sooner. Most new mums are over the worst of the birth by then and ready for a bit of showing off baby. They can always decline or suggest a date in a couple of weeks. Then keep it fairly short. (2 hours max).
You can make tea while you're there and bring biscuits but I certainly wouldn't expect guests to help with chores or bring food. Unless it's a single mum, the dad can do that.
The vaccinations don't really protect against anything you're likely to have. I would not visit a newborn if you have a cold yourself. Wash your hands on arrival if you've been on public transport. And don't kiss their face. Otherwise no need to be too concerned about illness.

I loved having visitors when mine were tiny. We had so many we ended up declining some visits from people we barely knew, or putting them off, but that was purely exhaustion from several visits daily, not that we didn't want to see people. Sadly most people never came again - it would have been great to have them continue to visit over the ensuing weeks and months!

RainRainDoOne · 28/02/2023 21:31

Yanbu- I think the best way is to leave it open ended.

I would ask how they're getting on and just say I'd love to visit when you're feeling up to visitors, then if they'd rather have a bit more time they can or they have the option to arrange a time then and there.

UsingChangeofName · 28/02/2023 21:38

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/02/2023 14:14

Mumsnet is WEIRD about this.

Normal people go to see relatives and good friends babies once they are home from the hospital (or in hospital for really close friends). You don't say "I am coming over this afternoon" but you say "I would love to meet him! When can I come over!". Your friend is probably a normal person who will say "Great! Come tomorrow about 11!"

This, for sure.

I'd have been really upset if none of my friends asked if they could come and visit after having any of mine.