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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest visiting a friend who has just had a baby

114 replies

SashaPearce · 28/02/2023 13:29

No kids so I’m a bit clueless. I’ve seen new mums on here posting that it stresses them out when people want to visit immediately, and that they would rather have some time to hibernate. From a google search it seems like some doctors suggest a new baby shouldn’t be visited by non-family until 2-3 months when they’ve had some vaccinations?

YABU - don’t tell your friend that you’d like to visit, assume that won’t be appropriate for 3 months
YANBU - it’s fine to suggest it, they can say no if they’re not ready yet

What’s the norm?

OP posts:
Rockingcloggs · 28/02/2023 21:46

Just ask OP!

All grandparents and 2 sets of uncles & aunties visited us in hospital over 2 days.

I loved all my visitors coming to my house - the first ones were actually my DHs mum, dad, sister and niece were already in our house when we got home.

We had 4 lots of visitors on his first full day at home and it was lovely and - gasp- no one brought us food! I'd want it all again if I was to have another!

But, each to their own, so all you can do is ask!

jannier · 28/02/2023 23:34

PatientlyWaiting21 · 28/02/2023 19:29

I couldn’t sit for about 2.5 weeks, nothing prepared me for this pain, I couldn’t breastfeed because there was no comfortable positions. But yeah we must be in the minority.

Show quote history

With my first I tore badly and lost a lot of blood. I was doubly incontinent close friends and family let me rest while taking care of stuff it was a blessing ...but most don't have those complications.

Orders76 · 28/02/2023 23:37

Absolutely ok to ask and let them know you're looking forward whenever they are ready for visiting.
Not ok, what happened to me, when your friends turn up in the hospital on day 2 when you're bleeding and exhausted like something out of friends 😂

2ndTimeRound90 · 01/03/2023 01:59

I know some people love visitors right after having their baby but I couldn't think of anything worse! It irritated me how all these people who I never normally would see came out of the woodwork just because they want to cuddle a tiny baby - the newer the better!

Thankfully my first ended up born in March 20 so we couldn't have any visitors. I was able to sit about in pjs for weeks, the housework got left, no makeup put on, no leaving the house, plenty of time to sit in peace and establish feeding and get over the early big emotions. I don't know how people successfully bf in those early weeks with lots of visitors coming and going! I enforced a minimum of 2 weeks no visitors when my second was born to try and create the same 'bubble', but obviously let my immediate family as they were being helpful and didn't hang about for too long expecting to be hosted.

Definitely check as everyone is different!

mondaytosunday · 01/03/2023 04:39

What? We had a string of visitors from the off and I was totally happy with that. We went out for lunch the day after I got back from hospital. I started post natal classes three weeks after birth! Babies are as dull as and it was lovely to have the distraction and to show him off. And mine was delivered by section three weeks early before anyone thinks the birth was easy.
But it's up to the couple. Just say you'd love to come meet the baby but happy to wait if they'd like. Don't insist, just leave it up to them.

Serrassi · 01/03/2023 09:04

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/02/2023 13:36

I wouldn’t invite yourself round I’d send a message along the lines of “congratulations, when you’re ready I’d love to come round and meet the new arrival!”

This.

Just ask.

But I do know a baby that was born healthy but died a week later from an infection they picked up from someone, it does happen unfortunately. I wouldn’t visit a newborn, no. And when you do eventually meet the baby please wash your hands first and don’t breathe on her face!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 01/03/2023 09:38

jannier · 28/02/2023 23:34

With my first I tore badly and lost a lot of blood. I was doubly incontinent close friends and family let me rest while taking care of stuff it was a blessing ...but most don't have those complications.

Show quote history

I wasn’t starting a competition 🙄

ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/03/2023 09:38

So what I get from this thread op is dont ask to go round, wait to be invited, this could be weeks so dont bother buying a lovely newborn outfit, I would probably reccommend age 12-18 months.

When you are allowed to eventually visit, take snacks and immediately make the new mother of the toddler a cup of tea. Whilst she is having her cuppa and eating the snacks, get in that kitchen and start cooking her lunch, while lunch is cooking obviously run round with a hoover and duster.

When lunch is prepared feed the new parent then make your exit sharpish as you would have overstayed your welcome by this point and the new mum will probably feel overwhelmed.

Upon leaving do not, whatever you do say 'ill pop round next week' You must again wait for an invite.

And the biggest rule of all, do not touch, pick up or even look at the baby you have made the effort to go and see as this such an invasion and tiger mum will pounce on you, so best to avoid.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 01/03/2023 09:49

ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/03/2023 09:38

So what I get from this thread op is dont ask to go round, wait to be invited, this could be weeks so dont bother buying a lovely newborn outfit, I would probably reccommend age 12-18 months.

When you are allowed to eventually visit, take snacks and immediately make the new mother of the toddler a cup of tea. Whilst she is having her cuppa and eating the snacks, get in that kitchen and start cooking her lunch, while lunch is cooking obviously run round with a hoover and duster.

When lunch is prepared feed the new parent then make your exit sharpish as you would have overstayed your welcome by this point and the new mum will probably feel overwhelmed.

Upon leaving do not, whatever you do say 'ill pop round next week' You must again wait for an invite.

And the biggest rule of all, do not touch, pick up or even look at the baby you have made the effort to go and see as this such an invasion and tiger mum will pounce on you, so best to avoid.

😂

but if buying clothes do buy next sizes up, we were very fortunate to be giving lots of clothes right up to 12-18 months, but even then half wasn’t worn as they grow so quick in those early months.

I was peeved when my PIL brought food that I had then to cook,(or rather my partner seen what was happening and took over thsnkfully) when all I wanted to do was sit (or try to) on my arse. By all means bring food if you want to, but if you want to eat it then you’re cooking it!

BananaCocktails · 01/03/2023 10:43

ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/03/2023 09:38

So what I get from this thread op is dont ask to go round, wait to be invited, this could be weeks so dont bother buying a lovely newborn outfit, I would probably reccommend age 12-18 months.

When you are allowed to eventually visit, take snacks and immediately make the new mother of the toddler a cup of tea. Whilst she is having her cuppa and eating the snacks, get in that kitchen and start cooking her lunch, while lunch is cooking obviously run round with a hoover and duster.

When lunch is prepared feed the new parent then make your exit sharpish as you would have overstayed your welcome by this point and the new mum will probably feel overwhelmed.

Upon leaving do not, whatever you do say 'ill pop round next week' You must again wait for an invite.

And the biggest rule of all, do not touch, pick up or even look at the baby you have made the effort to go and see as this such an invasion and tiger mum will pounce on you, so best to avoid.

@ZeroFuchsGiven 😂😂😂😂 comment of the day lol too funny 😂

bussteward · 01/03/2023 10:52

Send cake by post with a note to say you’re ready when they are to come over and help any way you can: you’ll bring lunch and stick a wash on, would love to meet the baby too. Prioritise her!

bussteward · 01/03/2023 10:53

ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/03/2023 09:38

So what I get from this thread op is dont ask to go round, wait to be invited, this could be weeks so dont bother buying a lovely newborn outfit, I would probably reccommend age 12-18 months.

When you are allowed to eventually visit, take snacks and immediately make the new mother of the toddler a cup of tea. Whilst she is having her cuppa and eating the snacks, get in that kitchen and start cooking her lunch, while lunch is cooking obviously run round with a hoover and duster.

When lunch is prepared feed the new parent then make your exit sharpish as you would have overstayed your welcome by this point and the new mum will probably feel overwhelmed.

Upon leaving do not, whatever you do say 'ill pop round next week' You must again wait for an invite.

And the biggest rule of all, do not touch, pick up or even look at the baby you have made the effort to go and see as this such an invasion and tiger mum will pounce on you, so best to avoid.

Hahaha. In fairness my very greatest friend did invite herself round weekly, brought lunch each time, held the baby while I ate, did some minor housework, then did exit when I or baby got fractious. It was bloody wonderful. Didn’t wait til toddlerhood though.

HamBone · 01/03/2023 14:26

bussteward · 01/03/2023 10:52

Send cake by post with a note to say you’re ready when they are to come over and help any way you can: you’ll bring lunch and stick a wash on, would love to meet the baby too. Prioritise her!

Ohh, I'd have immediately responded by carrier pigeon that I'd be delighted to see you next Thursday at 11. Please bring a selection of canapes, smoked salmon and a freshly baked coffee and walnut cake.😁

jannier · 03/03/2023 07:50

PatientlyWaiting21 · 01/03/2023 09:38

I wasn’t starting a competition 🙄

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Not saying you were just that when your struggling help from selected visitors can be a good thing.

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