So tired of dealing with DH mental health

[Airdustmoon]

AIBU for being so tired of dealing with my DH’s mental health difficulties? I’m just exhausted by it all today.

Together 17 years, married for most of that. 1 DS age 7. DH had a bit of a breakdown, almost 5 years ago now. Anxiety, insomnia. It feels like I’ve been his emotional crutch ever since.

In the last 12 months he’s had a lot of physical health problems as well from long Covid. His physical health has finally started to improve and I thought his mental health was too but it’s still so fragile. He has no resilience whatsoever, the smallest thing sets him off. An offhand comment from a friend, a problem with a company which needs to be resolved - he just can’t seem to cope with any of the small trials and tribulations of normal life. I mean he’ll hold it together and deal with it in the moment, but then I have to deal with the fall out later, hours of emotional support.

I have an extremely high pressured job (and am the sole breadwinner as DH became a SAHP a few years ago, and is a good one to be fair) and I am just exhausted by it. I don’t want to be his support all the time. I want him to pull himself together, but he can’t take any amount of tough love.

I don’t think there are any solutions here. I don’t want to leave him. I just need to vent.

Is he having any treatment for his mental health difficulties?

I echo the above, is he accessing any support? You can leave a relationship for any reason you like, if it's more than you can cope with then that's okay, but if he isn't accessing support it's worth a try first?

What kind of professional help is he getting for this?

It's of course only right that you be supportive of him but there is sometimes a thin line between being supportive and enabling and it feels like you may have inadvertently tipped over this.

He has every right to want you to listen to and empathise with him but he does not have a right to dump everything on you and expect you to act as his therapist. There comes a point where, if your mental health is sufficiently bad that it is infringing on your family, you need to take responsibility for sorting it out professionally as opposed to constantly burdening your loved ones.

You are his wife but not his crutch. You need to put some boundaries in place here. Yes you will happily listen to him but you are not a 24/7 unpaid therapist and he has to check himself if he's going round in circles and bringing you down. Your mental health is important too.

I think you need to start being honest with your dh that the pressures are starting to affect you and that he needs to access more sources of support rather than just using you as a sounding board. It may not go done well, but you need to communicate that the current set up isn't working.

I'm in a similar position as dh has had illness which has knocked him. What I've found helped was knowing he needed to offload daily and go for a walk and a coffee each day before work for just chat.

Then during the day when something comes up, putting down what I'm doing and actively listen, not being distracted doing two things at once.

Finally, making sure your own mental health is the priority, take breaks, exercise, see friends, whatever you need - keep yourself well.

Has he tried to access therapy, or are you expected to be his free therapist?

He refuses to try therapy. He had talking therapy through the NHS around 5 years ago when he first had his breakdown (6 weeks) and it wasn’t very good so now he’s written off therapy as a whole, thinks it would be a waste of time and money, even though I’d happily spend money on a private therapist.

He was on anti depressants for a short period but had awful side effects and so, again, has written them off. And to be fair, he isn’t depressed I don’t think. It’s more anxiety.

So yes, really he isn’t doing anything at the moment to help himself, which is part of the problem. He tries to do lots of exercise and eat well which can’t be a bad thing but clearly isn’t enough on its own to improve things.

I really don’t want to leave him. I’m just feeling the pressure today. 5 years is a long time to be someone’s crutch. How much longer can I do it? I don’t know.

Honestly I would leave someone who was willing to let their MH impact the family that much while refusing talking therapy and medication.

It's incredibly selfish.

I say that as someone who has had MH problems.

He should be doing everything he can to get well and he isn't. He's content to be a burden on you.

He's a SAHP to a child in school- he has plenty of time to devote to recovering and he isn't.

I'd be furious.

Your exasperation is completely valid and I suggest you insist on couples counselling so your needs can be heard as well.

Threatening to crumble into pieces whenever someone says something you don't like is a very effective away to control the people around you. It's not on.

You have needs as well.

For me it very much depends on him helping himself (which he sounds like he isn't), the only person that can actually help him start to recover, is him. If he's not prepared to do that I'd struggle to keep on supporting him.

My dh had anxiety, and by the very nature of anxiety and depression, made him really really selfish, he could only see and deal with his own emotions and feelings, no one else mattered, which meant when I picked up all the slack, both physically and mental loads he didn't see that, because he was only looking inwards

There are medications for anxiety. If he didn't like the side effects he should try another or adjust his dosage- not write off the idea all together.

You can’t take that on for ever, it’ll make you ill too. And it’s not your job to be ill. Anxiety is a horrible thing but there are things that help. When my dh has a nervous breakdown (old fashioned term but that’s what it was)…i basically made it clear I’d only stay if he sought help. He took antidepressants, saw the gp, exercised, ate well…got out of the house once a week to give me a break.

its so hard for the partner supporting, I really feel for you. I got counselling through work which I found really helpful …to talk to someone outside of the relationship and family.

I also found being open about it, not every detail, with friends helped.
you can’t do it all on your own.

This isn't ok. I've been on anti anxiety medicine - anti depressants - for the last 5 years because without it, I cannot function. My default setting is to waft about and crumble but I can't because I have people who depend on me. I would love to live somewhere up a lane with no neighbors and lots of cats and insulate myself from the trials of life, but the fact is, I can't, not would I expect anyone to make this happen for me.

My DH sat me down and said that we couldn't continue with me so debilitated and I needed to seek medicine and all other options that I could do that I could function. I think you need to do the same.

I am in the sane situation and I just wanted to say that it’s hard giving so much to someone and then seeing no change or improvement. It’s like you are paddling hard but making no forward progress, just stopping the boat flowing backwards in the current.

Someone here said “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” and it stuck with me. I have stopped offering so much unending support, and instead now suggest external support. It seems to be helping, but I had to take some of the support I was offering away for my husband to look for support elsewhere.

Get selfish, tell him straight up you are at capacity and can't shoulder his emotional needs as you are at breaking point.

I wonder how much of his dependency on you is habit, at this stage.

Put your own emotional health first, and tell him you need to do that.

Honestly I would leave someone who was willing to let their MH impact the family that much while refusing talking therapy and medication.

I agree. I think given what we now know about MH, point blank refusing to deal with it and expecting your family to cushion you from it by tiptoeing around it and indulging you is incredibly selfish. It's not dissimilar to smoking and drinking really heavily. People with MH issues deserve compassion but not taking responsibility for it when you're in a family situation is dismissing your family's wellbeing.

My ex husband struggled with depression and was fairly stable when he was on his medication but would repeatedly come off it because he "didn't like taking pills". He would then go completely haywire, losing his temper left right and centre and generally behaving like an arsehole to me and doing reckless and stupid things and would deny that he'd come off his meds for weeks until it became undeniable. He would usually have a crisis which involved him doing something incredibly stupid and selfish and which would force him back to the attention of the doctor and then back onto the meds. Rinse and repeat over many years.

Ultimately I wasn't prepared to keep dealing with this cycle so I told him to leave. It wasn't fair for me to have my life and my stability constantly disrupted because he couldn't face taking the most basic steps to deal with it.

I see so many threads on here where men refuse to deal with MH issues and basically expect their wives and partners to become carers/therapists and the burden on the women is huge. We need to understand that support does not mean becoming an emotional punch bag.

Honestly, you’re not doing him any favours quite apart from the impact on you - I’ve had ongoing mental health issues including anxiety for many years - last year my dh sat me down and told me things couldn’t go on as they were - I’m really glad he did as it gave me a big kick up the backside to go to the gp, start living a healthier lifestyle and drag myself out of the pit I’d been wallowing in. I’d also stopped medication previously due to side effects- often these are temporary so he needs to give them a proper go.

He needs to try another therapist. They're very varied, you can't write off the entire field of therapy because one wasnt helpful.

@Thepeopleversuswork

Completely agree.

Even before I read OP's second post I was thinking 'oh I bet this is yet another man who is refusing treatment while inflicting his MH problems on his family'.

There are so many threads like this. Women have been conditioned to be carers. We all hear 'mental health' and want to help and be supportive. But this is being exploited by selfish men who are not taking any responsibility.

OP, your needs and wants matter just as much as his. Write that down somewhere and read it every day.

You've done more than enough for him already. Let him know you've had it, and he needs to be actively working on his MH or leaving.

A grown man falling apart and needs hours of consolation because of an offhand comment from a friend is no way to live. He isn't functioning. He isn't a true partner to you .

If someone broke their leg and was offered crutches and a wheelchair but said no thanks I want you to carry me everywhere you'd think that was mad.

But this is no different

You have children. And you are burning yourself out. There will come a time when you have nothing left to support him. Or your kids

I'm a great sympathiser for mental health. But he had to be active in his own health and well being. You can't take it all on.

My dh is pretty similar except that he is on antidepressants that work for him. Stay at home parent can be very exausting too. Does he like to read or listen to audiobooks? I think there was a great book on this ,let me see if I can find the name .

I agree he needs to try counseling again may be. Can you get some talk therapy sessions op, therapist can help you navigate this and may be suggest better strategies to deal with fragile dh.

It is exausting, my dh is constantly looking at me for support and advice and also feels like I have it together at all times . I really don't but I can't react in front of him as this further stresses him out and just adds up to my burden to be frank.

Honestly I got to the point where I was considering ending my own life (even though I have no MH issues!) as a solution to get away from my DH who was (and still is) like this. It was like dealing with a very vulnerable child ALL OF THE TIME. We got into a mother/child dynamic and I think he quite enjoyed that as then he could renounce all responsibility/decision making to me, but have no accountability when things didn't go his way, and it would then be my fault when he became very low.
I was caring for disabled ds too and he used to say that I cared more/gave more time to ds than him This man seemed to want to be totally helpless and just expected me to look after him as if he was a 90 year old bed bound patient. The final straw was when he hadn't got out of bed for 4 days (with lots of martyrdom about how he hadn't eaten, but wouldn't eat when offered) and said it was my fault because I had said something to cause his low mood. He couldn't remember what the comment was 🙄. He was on antidepressants but refused any type of therapy as "he wasn't made for this life and no one understood him".
If you don't want to leave OP then you need to compartmentalise everything. Stop giving him headspace when he becomes low, but deal with it on a practical level. Make it clear to him that for your own mental wellbeing that you will need to take a step back at times and he will need to respect that.

Has he had his blood pressure checked?

@Inkypinkee thank you for this, it describes exactly how I’ve been feeling! I’ve been paddling so hard for so long and yet 5 years in we haven’t moved very far forward.

I need to get firm, I know. I told him this morning to stop wallowing but it just caused him to crumble and then I had to spend 30 minutes talking him back up again before I left for work. I am going to try and insist he tries therapy again. And look into some for myself. I do have one very close friend who I talk to about this, which helps.

Are you getting any support? Counselling for yourself living with someone with.mental health issues can be hard x

Wow. This is me and my DH, except my DD is slightly younger.

We haven't found out a solution yet but it came to a head last year when I said that I simply couldn't take on his stuff anymore. I explained calmly (after an explosive argument) that I had to protect myself, and that I couldn't afford to unravel so I had to stop being his support network and if he wanted help he had to find it himself. I made it clear that we would financially support any solutions he wanted to explore but it was up to him to sort it. And if he wasn't willing to try and change then I wasn't willing to be in the relationship anymore.

And I stuck to it. If he tries to use me for emotional support I calmly withdraw and tell him that I'm not his therapist.

He found a therapist and is having fairly regular sessions. It's working a bit but it's hard to break habits at home. We're working on him owning his own decisions right now i.e. it's not upto me to make decisions for his life (and making him stop saying 'we' when he means 'me').

We still have arguments about it (I say arguments but it's just me having a meltdown) but they are much less frequent than they were and I can feel some of the adult/adult dynamic coming back, from the previous adult/child which was the default for 5 years!

Honestly the only reason we're still together is because I can see he his trying.

Why is his life more important than yours?.

You are very silly to be accepting years of this whilst he makes no effort to help himself.

Why would he?

He has you run ragged carrying the 100% load whilst he is a sahp to a 7 year old.

He makes no effort to get better but prefers that you are bending yourself out of shape reassuring him🙄.

How nice for him.

Why have you so little value on your own general health and mental health?

You are very vulnerable to getting ill yourself.

Your son is not being best served by your sacrifice.

You are absolutely being played here.

He sucks everything from you while he refuses to do nothing to help himself?

He has completely opted out of marriage and any responsibility to you as a couple while he bleeds you dry.

This is your life for as long as you place no value on it and are happy to accept so little.

You deserve much better than this.