Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So tired of dealing with DH mental health

148 replies

Airdustmoon · 28/02/2023 08:30

AIBU for being so tired of dealing with my DH’s mental health difficulties? I’m just exhausted by it all today.

Together 17 years, married for most of that. 1 DS age 7. DH had a bit of a breakdown, almost 5 years ago now. Anxiety, insomnia. It feels like I’ve been his emotional crutch ever since.

In the last 12 months he’s had a lot of physical health problems as well from long Covid. His physical health has finally started to improve and I thought his mental health was too but it’s still so fragile. He has no resilience whatsoever, the smallest thing sets him off. An offhand comment from a friend, a problem with a company which needs to be resolved - he just can’t seem to cope with any of the small trials and tribulations of normal life. I mean he’ll hold it together and deal with it in the moment, but then I have to deal with the fall out later, hours of emotional support.

I have an extremely high pressured job (and am the sole breadwinner as DH became a SAHP a few years ago, and is a good one to be fair) and I am just exhausted by it. I don’t want to be his support all the time. I want him to pull himself together, but he can’t take any amount of tough love.

I don’t think there are any solutions here. I don’t want to leave him. I just need to vent.

OP posts:
Naunet · 28/02/2023 11:56

sianiboo · 28/02/2023 11:51

@CleaningOutMyCloset I'm experiencing the same with my boyfriend of 13 years at the moment.

I knew he suffered from anxiety/depression when we first met, but he was fully engaging with his GP and taking the recommended medications (and still is) ...which really do work for him. At that time, he was managing his mental health condition far better than I was (I'm bipolar).

In the last 5 years though, he's become so self absorbed it's unreal. He ruined my 50th birthday with what I can only describe as his pure selfishness. Since then, 99% of the time everything is all about him. It's got to the point that I honestly don't think he realises how utterly self absorbed he is - right at this moment, I'm having serious physical health problems due to long covid...I'm having to have multiple tests as I'm now experiencing severe abdominal pains and they need to find out why. I had an emergency appointment with my GP yesterday, boyfriend didn't ring me up until hours later (we don't live together, he works away). As usual, he starts banging on about himself and his health the minute the call starts, didn't ask about me at all until I actually interrupted him and reminded him of my emergency appointment. He does shit like this all the time, it's staggering...even when I was under hospital care with covid it was the same.

My boyfriend is approaching his mid 50s, I'm now filled with dread that he's only going to get worse. Just fucking once, I'd like MY health to be the priority in the relationship, to be the thing discussed first. But then I worry that makes me as selfish as he is!

There's not much help available online about this either. It's all stuff about 'supporting your partner with depression'... I'd like to see more articles about 'How To Stop Your Depressed Partner Being Such A Selfish Fucking Arsehole: Even If It's Just Once In A Blue Moon'

OP = you have my every sympathy. If you find the solution, let me know!

What is the point of having a ‘partner’ if it’s a one way street and not a partnership? What do you even get out of this?

bonzaitree · 28/02/2023 11:56

I think you need to be honest that the relationship isn’t working in its current state. He needs to get drugs and weekly therapy by the end of March. He needs to take the drugs according to what the GP days and attend weekly therapy as non- negotiables.

Sorry OP but 5 years of this isn’t ok. He needs to get proper help.

Biscuitlover456 · 28/02/2023 12:09

He can and should try different therapists. Same with medication. There are also a huge number of other healthy activities he can try to alleviate anxiety (exercise, mindfulness, journalling, etc).

It can happen that well-intentioned support for people w/ mental illnesses ends up enabling behaviour which is helping to exacerbate their illness. Sounds like this might be going on - have a frank discussion with him about your limits in terms of supporting him and present the options. Try not to get sucked into the same dynamic you’ve been in when communicating - stay solution focused, don’t let him go on and on. He should find a therapist to do that with if he wants.

Venturini · 28/02/2023 12:12

He needs therapy, privately. Because this does not sound sustainable or healthy in the long term and the frustration and resentment you feel will be all consuming in another ten or twenty years. Unfortunately he has to want to seek help of his own volition. If he isn’t willing to, sounds like you are in for a rough old time. I say this as someone who grew up with a parent with anxiety related mental health issues who was unable/unwilling to seek therapeutic support throughout my childhood (although they were on medication at least). The impact on the entire family was huge. Good luck OP.

WithACherryOnTop10 · 28/02/2023 12:14

I can see this situation from both sides of the coin. As a child I've been surrounded by people with serious mental health issues, it was exhausting and really emotionally draining and quite scary - it really changes you and your relationships in a way that is hard for people to understand.

As a result I then had a large breakdown in adult hood which my husband had to support me through and I know he struggled with this - I felt like such a burden to him and hated needing so much support. Unfortunately the breakdown led to lots of health problems and chronic illness, as my body couldn't take the stress anymore and I'm in recovery from those issues now but still affected by them daily in a physical way unfortunately.

I hate the impact this has had on my husband and the support he has had to provide me.
I became very aware that I have to find other sources of support to help me through this rather than just my husband as it is such a lot for one person to cope with when we naturally turn to our spouses for that main support, but I try to be mindful that he shouldn't always be the only person that is there for me!

I did however get quite hurt and resentful towards him (rightly or wrongly) when I could feel that it was too much for him to cope with or that he was treating me differently as a coping mechanism for himself.

Although I have lots of friends, I find it hard to trust others with my issues but have slowly built a small friendship group of people I can talk to openly, I try to not just go to one person for all my support now as I understand it can cause emotional burnout to over rely on one person.

These small changes have really helped the dynamics between my husband and I, and I have consciously chosen my battles of what I think he and I can or cannot deal with together, and gone to my other sources of support when I sense it's too much for our relationship at that moment.

Some people may say there's something wrong in our relationship for me to have to do this, but I'm very aware from being on the receiving end of being a carer that it is HARD for all parties to cope with and I want to also have a healthy relationship where there aren't resentments building.

Over the years I've also become a carer to my almost adult daughter and the burn out is real - it CAN affect the dynamics of a relationship if not dealt with purposefully.

I don't know how your husband can reach this mindset for himself OP, but please be aware that some people don't have the skills of resilience - particularly if they've had some challenges in childhood.
I've worked hard to build my resilience which wasn't nurtured in me from childhood, done lots of courses, counselling, research for myself because I want to be healthier /happier/a stronger person - but when I was in the thick of it, my mindset wasn't so strong and I REALLY needed my loved ones to be there for me, as much as I hated relying on people and being a burden to them.

Make sure you've got good people around you that you can talk to for some relief for yourself - perhaps a therapist for yourself that you could vent to once a month about the emotional burden you're feeling? I know this is something I think would be useful for me in relation to my caring role for my daughter.

And just remember that ill health physically or mentally can hit any one of us at any time - so give the love and care that you would wish to receive if it were you.
Chronic illness alone is a beast to battle with and can cause depression and hopelessness for one self, it can be hard to see the woods for the trees when you're in the thick of those health battles on a daily basis.

Hopefully this won't be forever and hopefully your husband finds some ways to build some independent strength/coping skills in the near future, it's OK to say you're burn out from it - you're only one person! but always keep kindness at the core of your actions ❤️

Theunamedcat · 28/02/2023 12:15

Airdustmoon · 28/02/2023 09:17

@Inkypinkee thank you for this, it describes exactly how I’ve been feeling! I’ve been paddling so hard for so long and yet 5 years in we haven’t moved very far forward.

I need to get firm, I know. I told him this morning to stop wallowing but it just caused him to crumble and then I had to spend 30 minutes talking him back up again before I left for work. I am going to try and insist he tries therapy again. And look into some for myself. I do have one very close friend who I talk to about this, which helps.

Why did you crack immediately? Because your conditioned too you need to stop you don't need to spend 30 minutes scraping someone up off the floor following one single comment

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 28/02/2023 12:16

sianiboo · 28/02/2023 11:51

@CleaningOutMyCloset I'm experiencing the same with my boyfriend of 13 years at the moment.

I knew he suffered from anxiety/depression when we first met, but he was fully engaging with his GP and taking the recommended medications (and still is) ...which really do work for him. At that time, he was managing his mental health condition far better than I was (I'm bipolar).

In the last 5 years though, he's become so self absorbed it's unreal. He ruined my 50th birthday with what I can only describe as his pure selfishness. Since then, 99% of the time everything is all about him. It's got to the point that I honestly don't think he realises how utterly self absorbed he is - right at this moment, I'm having serious physical health problems due to long covid...I'm having to have multiple tests as I'm now experiencing severe abdominal pains and they need to find out why. I had an emergency appointment with my GP yesterday, boyfriend didn't ring me up until hours later (we don't live together, he works away). As usual, he starts banging on about himself and his health the minute the call starts, didn't ask about me at all until I actually interrupted him and reminded him of my emergency appointment. He does shit like this all the time, it's staggering...even when I was under hospital care with covid it was the same.

My boyfriend is approaching his mid 50s, I'm now filled with dread that he's only going to get worse. Just fucking once, I'd like MY health to be the priority in the relationship, to be the thing discussed first. But then I worry that makes me as selfish as he is!

There's not much help available online about this either. It's all stuff about 'supporting your partner with depression'... I'd like to see more articles about 'How To Stop Your Depressed Partner Being Such A Selfish Fucking Arsehole: Even If It's Just Once In A Blue Moon'

OP = you have my every sympathy. If you find the solution, let me know!

I have a solution Sianiboo.

LTB.

I mean it.
What joy does he bring to your life?
You don't live together, so it couldn't be simpler.
Cut out the selfish deadwood.

Flowers
user1492757084 · 28/02/2023 12:16

Yes, insist DH gets professional help - that he tries out Drs until one suits him.
If he doesn't want to, insist that he supports you to find help for yourself because you are not coping with his needs.
Tell him the current arrangement is too much for you to sustain.
Surely he can see that he needs help and you are not a trained professional.

BankOfDave · 28/02/2023 12:23

This isn’t meant as an accusation as you have good intentions but your behaviour is actually stopping any recovery. You are enabling him and he uses you as a crutch. He has not addressed the root cause or learned coping mechanisms so he has no resilience. Instead withdrawing from normal life and relying on you. He will never improve in those circumstances.

Then there is the separate issue of impact on you; what your needs are in a relationship and why you’ve let it go this far.

And the third issue of impact on your child.

Good luck.

Sellsellseller · 28/02/2023 12:29

Maybe a small job or something for him to focus on will help. Being a stay at home parent is not good for mental health after years of doing it.

WithACherryOnTop10 · 28/02/2023 12:34

WithACherryOnTop10 · 28/02/2023 12:14

I can see this situation from both sides of the coin. As a child I've been surrounded by people with serious mental health issues, it was exhausting and really emotionally draining and quite scary - it really changes you and your relationships in a way that is hard for people to understand.

As a result I then had a large breakdown in adult hood which my husband had to support me through and I know he struggled with this - I felt like such a burden to him and hated needing so much support. Unfortunately the breakdown led to lots of health problems and chronic illness, as my body couldn't take the stress anymore and I'm in recovery from those issues now but still affected by them daily in a physical way unfortunately.

I hate the impact this has had on my husband and the support he has had to provide me.
I became very aware that I have to find other sources of support to help me through this rather than just my husband as it is such a lot for one person to cope with when we naturally turn to our spouses for that main support, but I try to be mindful that he shouldn't always be the only person that is there for me!

I did however get quite hurt and resentful towards him (rightly or wrongly) when I could feel that it was too much for him to cope with or that he was treating me differently as a coping mechanism for himself.

Although I have lots of friends, I find it hard to trust others with my issues but have slowly built a small friendship group of people I can talk to openly, I try to not just go to one person for all my support now as I understand it can cause emotional burnout to over rely on one person.

These small changes have really helped the dynamics between my husband and I, and I have consciously chosen my battles of what I think he and I can or cannot deal with together, and gone to my other sources of support when I sense it's too much for our relationship at that moment.

Some people may say there's something wrong in our relationship for me to have to do this, but I'm very aware from being on the receiving end of being a carer that it is HARD for all parties to cope with and I want to also have a healthy relationship where there aren't resentments building.

Over the years I've also become a carer to my almost adult daughter and the burn out is real - it CAN affect the dynamics of a relationship if not dealt with purposefully.

I don't know how your husband can reach this mindset for himself OP, but please be aware that some people don't have the skills of resilience - particularly if they've had some challenges in childhood.
I've worked hard to build my resilience which wasn't nurtured in me from childhood, done lots of courses, counselling, research for myself because I want to be healthier /happier/a stronger person - but when I was in the thick of it, my mindset wasn't so strong and I REALLY needed my loved ones to be there for me, as much as I hated relying on people and being a burden to them.

Make sure you've got good people around you that you can talk to for some relief for yourself - perhaps a therapist for yourself that you could vent to once a month about the emotional burden you're feeling? I know this is something I think would be useful for me in relation to my caring role for my daughter.

And just remember that ill health physically or mentally can hit any one of us at any time - so give the love and care that you would wish to receive if it were you.
Chronic illness alone is a beast to battle with and can cause depression and hopelessness for one self, it can be hard to see the woods for the trees when you're in the thick of those health battles on a daily basis.

Hopefully this won't be forever and hopefully your husband finds some ways to build some independent strength/coping skills in the near future, it's OK to say you're burn out from it - you're only one person! but always keep kindness at the core of your actions ❤️

Sorry, just seen some other comments and I totally agree that a bit of a reality check from my husband really helped me understand the impact it was having on him. I was already actively engaging with GP, counselling, medication etc - but having a few home truths from hubby about how it was affecting him personally but also our relationship - really gave me a wake up call.
It wasn't an easy conversation and boy did it hurt like hell, but maybe you need to have this chat with your husband for a bit of a wake up call and reality check.

LobeliaBaggins · 28/02/2023 12:34

BankOfDave · 28/02/2023 12:23

This isn’t meant as an accusation as you have good intentions but your behaviour is actually stopping any recovery. You are enabling him and he uses you as a crutch. He has not addressed the root cause or learned coping mechanisms so he has no resilience. Instead withdrawing from normal life and relying on you. He will never improve in those circumstances.

Then there is the separate issue of impact on you; what your needs are in a relationship and why you’ve let it go this far.

And the third issue of impact on your child.

Good luck.

This is absolutely correct. I was enabling DD, easy for a parent to do, especially in the fallout of the pandemic. She had to rebuild her resilience, but I couldn't help her because I was burnt out. She has done it with a therapist.

Your DH needs to help himself.

OMG12 · 28/02/2023 12:37

It takes a lot for someone to be a career for anyone who is ill, whatever the illness. It’s a bit of a no win situation.

I describe mental illness as being emotionally and mentally at capacity, image walking round trying to balance a glass full to the brim of water on your head, it only takes one drop to make it over flow.

People with mental health problems can’t just “pull themselves together” any more than a cancer patient can cure themselves of cancer.

The difficult thing re mental illness is it’s sometimes impossible to gather the strength to seek help. you need others to be strong for you, you are using every ounce of strength to stay alive.

Anti depressants are shit imo.

6 sessions of talking therapy will get you no where. It’s not surprising he doesn’t want to go back.

The fact he’s exercising and eating well is amazing, work on that, yoga, meditation classes. What led to the breakdown?

Everyday is a battle with mental illness for everyone.

it’s up to you whether you want to leave.

LobeliaBaggins · 28/02/2023 12:45

Anti depressants are shit imo.
6 sessions of talking therapy will get you no where. It’s not surprising he doesn’t want to go back.

Sorry, I don't agree, and neither does the medical profession. A very low dose of sertraline sorted DD out to the point where she could get up and go to uni, and is now looking for a part time job. Talking therapy has helped her too; she doesn't use me as a dumping ground so much.

The difficult thing re mental illness is it’s sometimes impossible to gather the strength to seek help. you need others to be strong for you, you are using every ounce of strength to stay alive.

OP isn't required to stay strong over 5 years and be her husband's mummy. Mental illness does not give you the right to treat others badly.

Cherrysoup · 28/02/2023 12:49

BankOfDave · 28/02/2023 12:23

This isn’t meant as an accusation as you have good intentions but your behaviour is actually stopping any recovery. You are enabling him and he uses you as a crutch. He has not addressed the root cause or learned coping mechanisms so he has no resilience. Instead withdrawing from normal life and relying on you. He will never improve in those circumstances.

Then there is the separate issue of impact on you; what your needs are in a relationship and why you’ve let it go this far.

And the third issue of impact on your child.

Good luck.

Absolutely this and why can he not work given your child is at school?

LobeliaBaggins · 28/02/2023 12:53

Oh and DD tried several meds with no results, before finding that sertraline worked for her. Her doctor thinks she will be able to go off them by next year. Op's DH needs to persevere.

I had terrible post partum depression years ago, and managed to recover with yoga, exercise, and work, but that doesn't work for everyone and is clearly not working for the OP's DH. Yep, he definitely needs at least a part time job to give him purpose.

bonzaitree · 28/02/2023 12:57

I disagree with a PP.

Ive found SSRI and beta blockers very helpful in the past as have many many other people.

I had 8 NHS sessions of CBT and it helped me so so much! I now have counselling every month or do. Costs £30 for the hour and is the best money I spend all month.

Point is there ARE ways to get better and get help.

Unicorn34 · 28/02/2023 13:13

I have been/still am in the same position but have learned (through support and education) to bat the responsibility back to my husband and support him, rather than take it on myself. Please DM me if you'd like to talk/message - I could try to give you some support around changes which would be positive for both you and your husband. Its a tough one but it can be done x

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/02/2023 13:15

YANBU and he needs to try therapy, or at least something therapeutic, not only lean on you.

pishkashante · 28/02/2023 13:23

I have depression and I almost broke down this morning whilst trying to manage work and my elderly parent's broken boiler issue. I was alone in the house, screamed and then had to get back to it.

Women have to get on with it and seek help and so does your husband.

Clutchstench · 28/02/2023 13:28

I have CBT, for anxiety. It has been astonishing.

OP, fix you first. YOU go and get yourself some therapy for how you’ve let your life look like this.

I was having a ruminate about something I was panicking about and the pattern my therapist has taught me is to say “so then what might probably happen?” And drill down into what might REALLY happen.

so you’re spending 30 mins talking your husband back up. How exhausting. Suppose you hadn’t done that - what might probably happen?

and REALLY explore that. Would he have, say, been really shitty with you tonight? Or talked about how low he felt? Or started drinking? Or run off?

“so then what might probably happen?”

And explore that. So maybe (theoretically) he might continue to be shitty with you tonight. And continue to be shitty with you until you did as he wanted.

or, say, you might see a different behaviour from him. “And then what might probably happen?”
Well maybe you’d feel more empowered to continue with your choices.

but it’s the same question over and over. Be specific when you answer. No “he would make my life hell.” No, you have to properly define what’s happening.

Clutchstench · 28/02/2023 13:29

You can’t fix him, only your responses to him. Build up your own mental muscle and resilience first.

billy1966 · 28/02/2023 13:34

windywoo78 · 28/02/2023 11:45

I could have written this post! I've been up all night unable to sleep after a nasty row with DP due to his controlling behaviour around finances and him taking his stress and depression out on me. I do absolutely everything round the house and I'm emotionally drained. I also have a child to look after and sheild from his moods and arsiness. I've had to ring in sick today. My problem is though that he was treated for cancer last year and every time a check up is looming it ramps up a gear and it's unbearable. But because of the cancer I can't say anything because it always trumps anything I have going on. And I just tell myself if I had cancer then regular check ups maybe I'd be the same

Why have you put this awful nasty man ahead of your child?

Your poor child.

You need to get your priorities right, because you are putting him ahead of your child, and that is so wrong.

windywoo78 · 28/02/2023 13:44

@billy1966 I have no where else to go and see no way out

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 28/02/2023 13:47

Reading with interest. I'm 60 and currently divorcing H of 34+ years. I'd say for most of it he's had MH issues, he was treated during a breakdown then said said the counselling etc was shit; I agree in that I don't think he was any better.

As time dragged on I'd thought it was relationship issues but interestingly he relied on me to do everything, I was very much like his mother, if anything went wrong it was my fault. He was unable to cope with anything and everything from getting in the car to go out for the day to dealing with a builder, opening a bank account, deciding what to have for dinner. I should have left when the children were very young and they've definitely paid a price for living in this house. Course I blame myself but that doesn't help them does it?

It was a terribly hard decision to split, we don't have enough money etc., but I couldnt let my kids see me live my entire life in this way and also I always have this mantra in my head "you can only save one life" and I chose mine. Its what I'd want my DDs to do in the same situation. So how about it OP? Another 17 years of this?

Swipe left for the next trending thread