So tired of dealing with DH mental health

[Airdustmoon]

AIBU for being so tired of dealing with my DH’s mental health difficulties? I’m just exhausted by it all today.

Together 17 years, married for most of that. 1 DS age 7. DH had a bit of a breakdown, almost 5 years ago now. Anxiety, insomnia. It feels like I’ve been his emotional crutch ever since.

In the last 12 months he’s had a lot of physical health problems as well from long Covid. His physical health has finally started to improve and I thought his mental health was too but it’s still so fragile. He has no resilience whatsoever, the smallest thing sets him off. An offhand comment from a friend, a problem with a company which needs to be resolved - he just can’t seem to cope with any of the small trials and tribulations of normal life. I mean he’ll hold it together and deal with it in the moment, but then I have to deal with the fall out later, hours of emotional support.

I have an extremely high pressured job (and am the sole breadwinner as DH became a SAHP a few years ago, and is a good one to be fair) and I am just exhausted by it. I don’t want to be his support all the time. I want him to pull himself together, but he can’t take any amount of tough love.

I don’t think there are any solutions here. I don’t want to leave him. I just need to vent.

Op what about your dh sleep?
Eating well and exercising is great.
But enough sleep is a major factor.

OP my only advice is don't make this something you do the work of resolving. Dont find the therapist etc. I wouldn't even necessarily demand he does things like see a therapist. I would however work out my boundaries and reduce the support I offer and put the onus back on him. Why did you need to spend 30 mins talking him off the floor? It sounds a bit like there is some codependency. Your not responsible for him. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I'd really encourage you to consider seeing someone yourself. Saying this is someone with a close family member with MH issues and who has worked in the field. Try and focus on your behaviour, what you can and can't do and what's in your control .

@justhaveahalf This is a wonderful analogy, bravo

You are his wife but not his crutch. You need to put some boundaries in place here. Yes you will happily listen to him but you are not a 24/7 unpaid therapist and he has to check himself if he's going round in circles and bringing you down. Your mental health is important too.

This ^^ I’m diagnosed with GAD, but my DH isn’t my emotional crutch. I used to take my feelings out on him sometimes, but he told me straight that I needed to deal with it, he just couldn’t.

So I’ve had counseling and have been on a low dosage of AD’s longterm. It’s my problem to deal with, DH is supportive, that’s it.

I think men are much better at setting boundaries.

Omg that is such a good analogyI wish I'd known about Mumsnet years ago, I 'carried' mine for 30 years😪 he was very similar. One of the final straws came when I made him promise to go to the doctors or it was divorce, he agreed, went to doctors........I found out much later that he just went for wellness check up and didn't mention or address the by then severe MH issues.........save yourself💐

@LobeliaBaggins I agree. In my case, I also realized that he wasn’t able/qualified to help me, he had no idea how to. I really wanted help as well, whereas the OP’s DH seems to be avoiding getting it.

@Airdustmoon I’m finding it a little hard to have sympathy when you are actually offering him private treatment while most of us are stuck on endless NHS waiting lists.

Antidepressants are known to be sometimes really uncomfortable at the start, you just have to stick with it (I took some but ages ago so I couldn’t detail more, but after the beginning there’s usually very little side effects). What sucks is the trials to find the right one for you. At the moment I doubt he’d stick with that, so maybe leave it for step 2.

I’m actually not the hugest fan of talk therapy (not that I’d move up the waiting list anytime soon…) but I don’t offload either. I like self help audiobooks.

I would recommend a psychiatrist appointment, not a GP.
First, there’s no hiding the general idea why you’re there.
Second, it’s less of a commitment than talk therapy. Anxiety medications there’s much less of them (at least the classic ones - do be careful if he drives your child to school at the beginning though, although any doctor would mention it - I was a little drowsy at first but now I’m fine with a low dose)
And a psychiatrist will just spot the signs quicker than the GP, for ex even if he doesn’t talk much that says something, body language, reactions to questions, etc.
And tell him no one has to know of course, but this is his ultimatum, say that your child is getting old enough to understand if you wish to avoid arguments surrounding yourself.

I can recommend one for you, it’s expensive (aren’t they all!) but it’s really good : it’s Clinical Partners. You can easily find it on google. One of the advantages is they do video appointments so he can stay on the couch.
The basis is you ring them up, they have a huge team of staff, you describe them your symptoms, and they link you up with an appropriate psychiatrist, who could be anywhere in the UK so by video call. They really take the time to listen. You could actually do the calling part yourself, I would recommend that actually. The budget is on the website.

It’s very reputable, he doesn’t actually need ten appointments if he finds the right anxiety meds quickly enough. Then you go from there. Or maybe the psychiatrist will say both meds + AD, leave it up to them.

Do look carefully at the budgets for each of these scenarios though (when you call they’ll probably give you a better idea as they’re so used to these situations).

For talk therapy I didn’t mean it’s not good, it’s just something I couldn’t click with.

And with him being so reluctant I really think your best bet is two good efficient psychiatrist appointments

Although depending on your budget, I’d think a GP could take over relatively quickly.
What he really needs is a diagnosis, it’s worth a good psychiatrist (I only mention this because you mentioned private, but I don’t know what the actual budget of talk therapy is).

The first appointment is the evaluation part, I think it’s the most important one, worth trying. I’d really call them, tell them your budget, they’re not rip offs and very sensitive to budgets etc

Re. Anti-depressants. Someone may have already mentioned this, but many people need to try a few types before they find one that suits them. I started out on Sertraline for several months and it really didn’t help me. I switched to Escitalopram and it became effective after about three weeks.

Given how fragile he is, I think that your needs to give medication another try.

"don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"..... I think I need to tattoo this on my arm.

Sorry, posting so much !
Just to be clear, I do have a clear diagnosis established with a psychiatrist and established medications. Or it’s pointless
The audiobooks come after, and besides there’s the waiting lists… and as I mentioned I don’t really like talk therapy. As well as audiobooks there’s paper exercise books, he may prefer that as it’s more intimate.
But it’s a bit a stab in the dark without a diagnosis tbh, hence recommending a psychiatrist. Then you’ll see what he chooses to do with that I guess

Please contact Women's aid for support.

Tell them about your child.

This is so awful for her.

You both deserve better than this.

I really appreciate all the comments, even though I can’t reply to all of them. Lots of food for thought and I need to go away and think about where we go from here and how I approach it with DH.

I would honestly throw money at this if it would help, I have a good job and earn decent money. It’s just getting DH on board.

Getting DH some focus out of the home has been a priority for a while for me, whether that’s voluntary work or a low key school hours job. Because he has also had a lot of physical health problems over the last year or two this just hasn’t really been feasible but I think it is now.

Despite all the problems he is a good man and a good father. I honestly don’t believe our DS has any idea of DH’s struggles, if I thought it was affecting him then I would have to take more drastic action. The key thing I am taking away from this thread is that I need to look after myself more and not enable him.

if you believe your husband’s personality doesn’t shape your son then I’m afraid you have misunderstood

Everything your child witnessed in his home influences his life and especially in the future

I bet your husband was exposed to MH issues growing up? Not always the case but usually- for example even if not his upbringing made him susceptible to these struggles he’s having now - even if you think his parents are wonderful etc

So this behaviour will impact your son but much further down the road

In the unlikely event that you're right about DS not being affected by any of this, it won't be long until he is. Those of us who experienced childhood with a parent who had uncontrolled MH issues can tell you that for nothing. Both you and DH should understand that.

@Airdustmoon I’d recommend trying calling clinical partners for a start, it’s free and they take tons of time to listen to everything happening, because they want to match you with the best psychiatrist (to keep their reputation id imagine). You don’t have to sign up for anything when you call, it’s what I did, and now I’m saving up because I need medication monitoring once a month, and last year I got freaking ONE psychiatrist appointment (because there were worse cases than me… well I ended up sinking at one point because I needed a medication adjustment - never again!). You can also tell them preferred hours etc. They’re nice as well

@Airdustmoon He doesn’t have to know about it at this point. Better maybe to present him with a clear option.
You’ll see if you google good psychiatrists they’ll often come up (I’m not spending that kind of money for a rubbish one that will save me 20…).

I have a feeling he’d like video calls.

And they’re really nice, for ex me as I already have a very established diagnosis, they allowed me to skip the initial (extremely expensive) assessment and go straight to regular consults.
He would need that initial one definitely though.

Just call, prepare a plan, tell him to do it or go to hell ha

Im sorry if I seem harsh, I would have given anything to have the funds last year, and I’m unfortunately so far from being the only one. So no get out of jail card as far as I’m concerned…

I unfortunately agree, at 7 I could see (if only the difference with my classmates), at 10 taken into care, which obv didn’t happen overnight.

You need to be firm, he has opportunities of treatment so many could only dream of.

I would like to add though, that relatively speaking, 5 years he can heal from, so don’t lose hope.
If you throw the world at him and he refuses, well as a desperately waiting NHS patient, it’s honestly a little insulting on his behalf.

I am in a similar situation with the notable exception that after a few years of encouragement and prompting, my DH sought therapy and medication and it worked (more or less). I’m not hearing anywhere near the brunt of it anymore, and our family life has improved immeasurably as a result.

What I do still struggle with, however, is that in all of this my DH refuses to acknowledge - let alone accept that his MH issues impact on me. For him personally I think he thinks that if the focus isn’t in him, his struggles aren’t as validated. It’s zero sum for him. But generally speaking, and this is a side effect of the cultural shift towards wider acceptance of MH problems (a good thing), I feel as though people suffering with MH problems feel excused of their responsibilities towards others. (This is a general observation, not just my DH). It’s as though the battle to be heard and accepted has been won so victoriously, that those of us who suffer alongside aren’t even allowed space to express the burdens we carry, be allowed to be angry at the negative impact on our lives of our loved ones’ problems, and so forth.

There’s a big difference between responsibility for something and guilt over something. I never ever want my DH to feel guilty about the impact of his MH problems on us. But, I do want him to take responsibility for them. The family shouldn’t have to suck it up in a “take me as you find me” way. This discourse just isn’t being had. It’s almost taboo to express these sentiments.

@Airdustmoon the key you mentioned, exactly : my mum just sucked out the will to live from my dad. You can’t continue like this, no one can. There’s a reason people do a decade of studies to handle MH issues.
Everytime you think of caving, think very strongly of your son : you’re the sole breadwinner, carer, everything : what happens to him when you eventually have a breakdown ?
Being taken into care at 10 wasn’t exactly the most fun experience (although I ended up relieved), but you’re here, you’re a great parent, don’t risk that.
Fwiw I did fine afterwards academically, socially, etc, but I definitely can’t say there’s no aftermath effects. You have the advantage of your son being younger as well.

Does your partner have parents ? How do you all get along ? Honestly if he refuses all the amazing treatment options you’re suggesting, if it’s a possibility.I would tell him you needed a break and to go live there a while : when he’s ready, you’re here for the sake of your son to help financially with treatment, but in the meantime, also for the sake of your son, he can’t stay

I encourage all people who could do with some mental health counselling to go on something like counselling directory and have a nosey. Do it together. Filter location and go through the counsellors, judge them on their picture and their blurb, he needs to choose one, not give up after having an nhs one appointed to him. My referred physio was pants but found a private one who's worth his weight in gold to me!
I'm listed on there and fully expect people to have gone 'urgh, no thanks' to my picture. It means the ones who make contact have seen what I look like and what I've written and thought 'meh, she might do!'

I started reading your post and then scrolled further down as I just knew it was going to be yet another man refusing professional help for his MH because he has a wife onto whom he can offload. He'll drag you down too, if you allow this to continue. I'd tell him to either get professional help or he's out. Tough love time. Or you won't survive.

Agreed, what I was trying to say in my last posts, but I’m an international student and so struggle with summarizing in English ! You said it much better than me !