So tired of dealing with DH mental health

[Airdustmoon]

AIBU for being so tired of dealing with my DH’s mental health difficulties? I’m just exhausted by it all today.

Together 17 years, married for most of that. 1 DS age 7. DH had a bit of a breakdown, almost 5 years ago now. Anxiety, insomnia. It feels like I’ve been his emotional crutch ever since.

In the last 12 months he’s had a lot of physical health problems as well from long Covid. His physical health has finally started to improve and I thought his mental health was too but it’s still so fragile. He has no resilience whatsoever, the smallest thing sets him off. An offhand comment from a friend, a problem with a company which needs to be resolved - he just can’t seem to cope with any of the small trials and tribulations of normal life. I mean he’ll hold it together and deal with it in the moment, but then I have to deal with the fall out later, hours of emotional support.

I have an extremely high pressured job (and am the sole breadwinner as DH became a SAHP a few years ago, and is a good one to be fair) and I am just exhausted by it. I don’t want to be his support all the time. I want him to pull himself together, but he can’t take any amount of tough love.

I don’t think there are any solutions here. I don’t want to leave him. I just need to vent.

of course poor mental health is forgivable, but refusing to access help to the point where it negatively impacts those around you is not. He absolutely needs to seek help-not for his sake, but for yours and that’s how it now needs to be communicated to him.

Anyone with MH issues who refuses treatment is selfish. Sounds harsh, but it is, it is impacting on other people and if he has the capacity to refuse, he is in control. You deserve better.

I need to get firm, I know. I told him this morning to stop wallowing but it just caused him to crumble and then I had to spend 30 minutes talking him back up again before I left for work.

Supposing you had just left for work, & left him to talk himself back up?

You are stuck in a cycle of his making, where all he needs to do is "crumble" & you pour your entire energy into giving him attention & reassurance.
He's never going to get better if you keep doing that.

Look at the pattern: he wallows until you can't take any more & tell him to stop wallowing. He then "crumbles" to manipulate you into enabling his wallowing.

He needs to be doing more with his life.
It's easy to be a "good SAHP" when your child is school-age & your spouse is handling all the finances. I'm not sure why you're praising a fish for swimming here.
He has too many hours in the day to wallow about entirely focused on his misery. He needs to start thinking about getting a job. Nothing taxing, just part time in school hours, to get him engaged in society again. How is he ever going to feel good about himself until he is contributing to his family, a workplace, a social contract again?

I have experienced this and it has been at its worst for me when there is no action that could result in improvement, you are just stuck in limbo. In the past it has taken me a while to persuade DH to go and get professional help and it is so frustrating.
Personally I'd recommend you pay to see a psychiatrist as that was the turning point in my situation after my DH had some crap therapy. They will diagnose things some therapists can't see and when mental health problems are so severe first line NHS counsellors just don't have the skill to deal with it.

I am going to whisper this gently, you are enabling him op. He only has this luxury of not accepting or seeking help because you are doing all of the heavy lifting.
It’s time for some tough love, he either gets some help or there will be consequences because you can’t carry on being his crutch. I agree with Billy you are being played like a fiddle.

My daughter has had anxiety for 5 years and I know how tough it can be - would it help if you give us some background? I am finding anxiety is not just mental health but can also be triggered by physical problems - such as thyroid, or low vitamin D, or SIBO (imbalance of bacteria in the small intestine) or in my daughter's case she has PoTS and she gets periods of low blood to her heart and her body releases adrenaline to change that but what she feels in anxious.

No they aren't. Their behaviour is selfish but they aren't necessarily selfish people. MH can be so overwhelming and in some situations people feel like they can't handle the extra pain of dealing with their issues. The level of self hatred for people with MH issues can be massive.
Your comment is the kind of thing I'd have said when I was 12.

So sorry - that should be CBD drops - like the TRIP brand. Was writing in a hurry!

Your first change is to start addressing YOUR MH for a change.

5 years of this is one hell of a ride, you are immensely strong - but why should you have to be? Book an appointment with your GP, ask to be referred for counselling, & ask for signposting to help & resources for DH.

You can't MAKE him take up therapy, or take his meds, or look for work.
But you can tell him you are at the end of your tether, & that your MH is just as important as his. More so, in that your family would be fucked without your job, & you holding everything together.

Next time he "crumbles", tell him to take it to his GP, because you cannot cope any more, & are not his therapist. Let him know how selfish he is being. Tell him the impact it is having on you. Tell him how exhausted you are, being the only one working, & being unable to relax in case he "crumbles" or "wallows" & expects you to pour hours more attention into him.

Ask him why YOU never get any support, & how long he reckons it will take for YOU to "crumble".

This, btw, is from a poster who has had decades of poor MH. (CSA related, it's something I'll need to manage lifelong).
There is no excuse to foist it onto somebody else. Your description of having to spend half an hour before work pouring concern into him was fucking hair-raising - you have become so inured to it that you've forgotten how outrageously selfish & manipulative he is being.

Sounds like he's not cut out to be a SAHP tbh. He needs to get out into the world.

Stop enabling him, tell him he either seeks help and sticks at it or your marriage will be in trouble. The fact he's a SAHP puts who gets the kids under the spotlight if you split like.

No more talking him back up. It's pure manipulation. Get childcare and tell him to get a job and meds. Beta blockers help with the physical effects of anxiety and they're as and when

I'd be far more concerned in what the effects this is having on your kids. Their mental health is important as well. Watching a parent not cope with life at all, like ever will have an effect on them.

Op, agree with everyone else. You need to stop enabling. It's not your fault and I'm certainly not blaming you, but you're in a pattern of you trying to shore hi up and him letting you and it's not helping any one. And he absolutely has to seek help.

Neither DH nor I have significant MH issues. Having said that, there have been ties for both of us where there's ben something happening and our responses have been unhelpful. Usually, whoever is the "support" in this case might eventually say, "I can't talk about this now I have to get the DC ready/go to work/walk the dog/whatever" and just get on with it. And it's usually the wake up the other one needs. Obviously, as a standalone, you're in a much more severe situation so it won't but the basic principal stands. If he's wallowing in some silly little thing, you need to kindly and firmly tell him you can't deal with this now and then leave. And when things are calm , reiterate he has to seek help. This is ridiculous.

You say he's a good SAHP but I have to wonder if it's impacting your life and your work, is he really?

I was in your situation. I had to end the marriage before it destroyed me.

Please seek professional help (for YOU) as it sounds like this has become a highly dysfunctional and unhealthy co-dependent mess. You cannot help him if he won't help himself or engage with treatment.

Some people cope with poor MH by listening to & following medical advice.
Some people cope by ensuring that they do basic self-care, get out into the community, foster good friendships, ensure they do their hobbies, look for work that is manageable for them.

Apart from watching his diet & exercise, OP's H is doing none of that, & is actively refusing meds & therapy.
Some people have poor MH & manage not to become entirely selfish & manipulative. This man is not one of them, & it's not "hatred" to say so, it's basic fact.

You say he's a good SAHP but I have to wonder if it's impacting your life and your work, is he really?

Well quite.
Once he done the school runs, his day's his own innit.
It's not like he's managing the mental or admin load - he can't cope with it, so that's all on OP's plate too.

I have a DD with MH issues, and honestly I would not do it for anyone but my child. She is on meds, has therapy and is working hard at uni. I have to talk her up at times. and it is so incredibly exhausting.

I would leave an adult who refused to take meds or therapy.

I could have written this post! I've been up all night unable to sleep after a nasty row with DP due to his controlling behaviour around finances and him taking his stress and depression out on me. I do absolutely everything round the house and I'm emotionally drained. I also have a child to look after and sheild from his moods and arsiness. I've had to ring in sick today. My problem is though that he was treated for cancer last year and every time a check up is looming it ramps up a gear and it's unbearable. But because of the cancer I can't say anything because it always trumps anything I have going on. And I just tell myself if I had cancer then regular check ups maybe I'd be the same

He also refuses any help, therapy that has been offered.

Does he know there are options out there that aren't medication and aren't face to face therapy?- things like the Gupta program for example (that is the one that has helped me the most with anxiety but I imagine there are others too), acupuncture, naturapathy - there are plenty of allied health and alternative therapies that have been useful for people, it's just a matter of finding something that fits.

You can tell him that if he wants to work on improving things, he can look into all the available options and keep looking and trying until he finds something that helps, and you are willing to keep supporting him (as his partner, not his therapist) through that process.

If he doesn't want to work on it, then you aren't willing to stick around as his pseudo therapist and basic support-human. That's not what you signed up for and you don't want to do it any longer.

He can choose.

What is it will all these man children who refuse therapy and meds and getting out in the world, while women soldier on carrying the entire burden, even if they are anxious or tired? I see so many posts like these.

We are not emotional support animals.

Bullshit, him having cancer isn’t a free pass to treat you like crap. Leave him, he only has himself to blame.

He was on anti depressants for a short period but had awful side effects and so, again, has written them off. And to be fair, he isn’t depressed I don’t think. It’s more anxiety

Medication can be used to treat anxiety too, he needs to try a different medication.

@CleaningOutMyCloset I'm experiencing the same with my boyfriend of 13 years at the moment.

I knew he suffered from anxiety/depression when we first met, but he was fully engaging with his GP and taking the recommended medications (and still is) ...which really do work for him. At that time, he was managing his mental health condition far better than I was (I'm bipolar).

In the last 5 years though, he's become so self absorbed it's unreal. He ruined my 50th birthday with what I can only describe as his pure selfishness. Since then, 99% of the time everything is all about him. It's got to the point that I honestly don't think he realises how utterly self absorbed he is - right at this moment, I'm having serious physical health problems due to long covid...I'm having to have multiple tests as I'm now experiencing severe abdominal pains and they need to find out why. I had an emergency appointment with my GP yesterday, boyfriend didn't ring me up until hours later (we don't live together, he works away). As usual, he starts banging on about himself and his health the minute the call starts, didn't ask about me at all until I actually interrupted him and reminded him of my emergency appointment. He does shit like this all the time, it's staggering...even when I was under hospital care with covid it was the same.

My boyfriend is approaching his mid 50s, I'm now filled with dread that he's only going to get worse. Just fucking once, I'd like MY health to be the priority in the relationship, to be the thing discussed first. But then I worry that makes me as selfish as he is!

There's not much help available online about this either. It's all stuff about 'supporting your partner with depression'... I'd like to see more articles about 'How To Stop Your Depressed Partner Being Such A Selfish Fucking Arsehole: Even If It's Just Once In A Blue Moon'

OP = you have my every sympathy. If you find the solution, let me know!

@LobeliaBaggins

because the women soldier on carrying the entire burden it becomes possible.

@windywoo78 That sounds really rough, read through all these comments and apply them to your situation too. He doesn't have a get out of jail card to behave however he wants, because he has a cancer diagnosis. Yes it's massively difficult, no he can't treat you like a doormat.

Yanbu. I'm 52 and everyone in the family has had to prioritise my mum's mental health my whole life. She was emotionally abusive to me as a child and less than a year after my husband died I had an Aunt writing to me a few times that I must meet with my mum every week as she was depressed. I wish I'd written back and said "What about my mental health? Have you forgotten my husband recently died?"