So tired of dealing with DH mental health

[Airdustmoon]

AIBU for being so tired of dealing with my DH’s mental health difficulties? I’m just exhausted by it all today.

Together 17 years, married for most of that. 1 DS age 7. DH had a bit of a breakdown, almost 5 years ago now. Anxiety, insomnia. It feels like I’ve been his emotional crutch ever since.

In the last 12 months he’s had a lot of physical health problems as well from long Covid. His physical health has finally started to improve and I thought his mental health was too but it’s still so fragile. He has no resilience whatsoever, the smallest thing sets him off. An offhand comment from a friend, a problem with a company which needs to be resolved - he just can’t seem to cope with any of the small trials and tribulations of normal life. I mean he’ll hold it together and deal with it in the moment, but then I have to deal with the fall out later, hours of emotional support.

I have an extremely high pressured job (and am the sole breadwinner as DH became a SAHP a few years ago, and is a good one to be fair) and I am just exhausted by it. I don’t want to be his support all the time. I want him to pull himself together, but he can’t take any amount of tough love.

I don’t think there are any solutions here. I don’t want to leave him. I just need to vent.

@Mojoj I was hoping he had parents who would take him in while he makes his choices, as that would make it easier on everyone.

But I can’t help being so furious, how many tragedies and suffering here because of endless NHS waiting lists ?

Sorry op he is not a good man or father, if he was he would be taking every ounce of help offered to him, he is extraordinarily selfish and he doesn’t care about the impact this is having on you or your son.

I don't know how your husband can reach this mindset for himself OP, but please be aware that some people don't have the skills of resilience - particularly if they've had some challenges in childhood.

This is a really important point tbh and a reason why talking therapy or counselling is so important.

People who have had abusive or neglectful childhoods often don’t have the emotional tools to deal with this kind of pressure.

It’s very hard to break out of that kind of mindset without some guidance.

Your husband has to persevere with trying to find the right counsellor. You are presumably not trained or equipped to do this.

You clearly have no understanding of mental health issues, being I’ll does not make you selfish.

getting help is extremely difficult, therapy can be unbearable, ironically you need a certain level of strength there to seek help. Some people just don’t have it. Having severe mental health issues often leaves you with no physical or mental energy, you’re living in hell. There’s no support in this country for mental health it can seem like a losing battle

I am sorry you are struggling so much, and yes the mh provision in this county is woeful, but ops dh is not in that position, he has been offered private therapeutic, support etc and has plenty of opportunities to access help, instead he chooses not to, despite knowing he is damaging the people around him.

In my view he is being extremely selfish, he is contributing almost nothing to the relationship either. A sahp is not needed with one school aged child, his health would probably improve overnight with a job and purpose.

I’m inclined to agree with you in this particular case, @Springchicken75 . He can’t expect the OP to provide the level of support she currently is, it’s far too much to ask of your partner. He needs to seek other sources of support from his GP, a counsellor ( especially as they have the means to pay for private therapy) and he probably needs to give medication another try.

HE needs to try as hard as he can to manage his condition, it’s not the OP’s job to do it. As a PP said, you wouldn’t refuse medical treatment for a broken leg and expect your medically untrained loved ones to somehow “fix” it for you. He’s ill and he needs proper medical treatment.

Luckily I’m a lot better now thanks, but I know how very difficult it is to access help. Some days it’s almost more effort and requires more energy than you have to actually breathe. You are focusing everything you have on simply being alive. The thought of accessing help of having to put your feeling into words, of getting to the therapy is too much, you keep as much pain pushed deep inside you because you fear if any of those demons see the light of day they will kill you.

this is the problem when normal stress and anxiety is called mental illness -it’s just life. Mental illness like that of OPs DH can be literally debilitating. I don’t think it’s selfish when a person has no control over how they are reacting to the world. Mood might improve with a job and a purpose but getting a job, is often so far beyond someoneone with mental health issues, decision making is often significantly compromised (this can be down to changes in the prefrontal cortex caused eg by ptsd), selling yourself when you feel so worthless you’re not sure if you deserve to be breathing let alone being paid is incomprehensible. Mental illness is really really cruel many of the symptoms prevent you accessing the cure. Imagine telling someone who is paralysed that the cure is in a bottle 10 ft away, all they need to do is walk over there.

I’ve had lots of different types of therapy, I know how to manage my mental health now.. but understand how impossible it seeks to be to some. I’ve been lucky, very lucky. I’ve had to dedicate everything to getting well. I’m lucky to have the most amazing husband who has at times carried me to the cure

It sounds like you were incredibly committed to getting better, trying everything possible, it’s much easier to support someone that is at least trying to be well. I have the utmost respect for anyone battling with poor mental health - they rightly deserve support and love.

We don’t know ops dh is severely ill, she has stated it’s anxiety not depression etc and he has made no effort to accept help. People have their limits, they don’t have infinite capacity to carry others indefinitely. The very least ops dh should do is meet her half way. It’s hard for everyone, he needs to try and make an effort. I have had my own battles, it’s not easy but ultimately we have to take some responsibility for ourselves, no one can fix us, we have to do it eventually. If we are lucky ee will have support and care a long the way.

I am so angry right now!! So yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown at the doctors - I literally couldn't stop crying because of the toll everything has taken on me. The doctor urged me to take some time off work (company very supportive, pay no issue). When I got home DP immediately shouted at me for getting signed off raging about him being left to pay the bills (absolutely not the case) and offered zero sympathy just anger. Yet he has just come home from the doctors and they said he has high blood pressure from stress and anxiety. He comes in and says I need to keep stress away from him!! I have supported him through his cancer and numerous other things, get zero support from him, and he has the nerve to say this! I know he's in a bad way because he is waiting for check up blood tests results but I'm so angry right now. He literally gives no shits about me. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable or if this is my fault?

@windywoo78 you don't owe support to a partner who doesn't support you in turn. Cancer or not you are free to go.

I have nowhere to go. I couldn't afford somewhere on my own. If I sell this house I would get some equity but still not enough to get a mortgage big enough. I don't enough to cover rent. So I feel really stuck

This sounds exactly like my behaviour and presentation before finally being diagnosed as bipolar. The correct medication is life changing but lack of understanding means many people don't consider it could be underlying lots of different types of symptoms. It's absolutely hellish to deal with for partners. IME the only route to being stable is taking responsibility for it and admitting help is urgently needed. There is loads of support through national groups and its possible to have a great life.

I wouldn't sacrifice my life to someone who wouldn't take steps to manage or repair their mental health.It's too much.

He refuses to try therapy

Then don't be his free counsellor, emotional support etc. He will be able to see the strain all this puts on you, the nerve of him to just sit there and not aim to at least get some outside support. Is this going to be your life until a knackered, regretful old age with no doubt your own mental and physical health shot to pieces? You're a brave woman if you can embrace a future like that. In your shoes he'd get an ultimatum regarding seeking help or I'd either be living a totally seperate life from him which would not include being his support in any way, or be off. End of marriage. No man is worth martyring oneself for. Not a single one.

At last a decent post on this thread .

Very well said on this .

This isn't right. You DO need to look after yourself better, and put your needs higher on the list of priorities. Whether that's having counselling alone to explore your feelings, and at the same time, having couples counselling, whatever you can do to get support for yourself and allow your voice to be heard.
I'm sorry your husband is struggling, but if he is, as you say, a good SAHP, then he can actually keep it together, although I do question whether your child is as unaffected by his condition as you think he is.

Whilst supporting the view that it's his body/mind, his choice, and that he can decide what treatment he will accept or refuse, doing nothing isn't an option. I have C-PTSD, and have had various therapies over the years for this, for stress, for depression...I have tried to take SSRIs, but they caused me to have feelings about self-harming, so I can't take them. Everything else I have done, engaged with fully, with varying success, but as someone that has a high stress job working full time and look after my elderly frail parents as well, I CAN'T do nothing at all. I want to get better for myself, for my life, and for the relationships I have with people I love and respect.

I agree with PP that this total lack of consideration for you, whilst managing to look after your child, is, at best, manipulative, as it is a get-out card for anything he doesn't want to do, hear, or discuss.

Please. think about yourself more, and maybe think about whether you would be better served by moving out for while with your child, or he does, until he has shown some improvement,
Good luck, thinking of you!

Could you go to therapy together? It was the only way dh would access therapy. We had seperate therapy and then joint therapy. It was relationship counselling through relate but the individual therapy was so helpful for us both to decide how each of us wanted to move forward, where we each saw our lives heading.

@VinoPleaseforOne I appreciate what you and OMG are saying, but then what’s the solution? The OP can’t continue to prop her DH up as she has been, she’s going to fall apart under the strain and then their DS will have two unwell parents.

Aside from paying for private therapy, what else can the OP do? She has to protect her own MH and her son’s as well.

There’s no support via the NHS but she’s offering him private, and there definitely is there.

I suggested previously a clinic that does video appointments, so from home.

Yes it’s hell, but how many of could only dream of private therapy ? All ages…

@TeamadIshbel That's the point though isn’t it ? He could live a great life - well, we don’t know his diagnosis - but he’s being offered one and further help on a silver platter : how many people can afford a private psychiatrist ?
To be diagnosed you had to take action ? Yours is a bit different because you tend to dismissed so long as depressed etc. Glad your medication is working💚

Hence my suggestion for a psychiatrist first, to avoid being misdiagnosed.
He hasn’t even been through the basic steps of AD and anxiety meds though.
That’s why I recommended a psychiatrist clinic with a great reputation, hopefully they’ll get it right.

@windywoo78 Has he tried anxiety medications ? It’s normal for blood pressure to go up when stressed sure, but usually that’s more a bigger issue for elderly people or those with a chronic condition.
I’d be surprised if the GP hadn’t recommended anxiety medications. The hope at least is it ramps up before check ups, not permanent, if I’ve understood correctly ?
But it’s not your fault, I have regular cardiology checkups and don’t take it out on the world, but I guess we all handle things differently.

In your situation maybe try :

• A finances spreadsheet where you both agree
• An agreement that if he feels unwell he can’t offload on your child
• More 1-1 time with your time

I know these seem a little pointless, but it’ll give you maybe a better idea of where he’s at ?
Can he stay at his parents for ex when tests are looming ?
How much time will these tests be needed (years?)

He’s being very unreasonable not taking on action on this eg: accessing support, trying different therapy or medication specifically for anxiety.

I agree with others he has to stop dumping on you, it’s one thing to have a supportive conversation but another to waste your time and energy as an emotional crutch for someone who isn’t taking any responsibility.