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AIBU?

To be too embarrassed to face friend after DH’s road rage

286 replies

JaimieP · 28/02/2023 02:28

My husband was driving to my mum’s yesterday and on the journey I saw my work friend in front driving 35 in a 40 and my husband thought it would be appropriate to tailgate and keep revving the engine up her arse whilst beeping the horn and swearing. She was sticking fingers up back and then she locked eyes with me when he ripped round her when he was able to.

I’ve never felt so humiliated and embarrassed!! I want the ground to swallow me up! I already suffer with social anxiety as it is and I’m fuming at my DH for behaving this way and I can’t face her on Thursday when I see her at work!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

644 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
9%
You are NOT being unreasonable
91%
CarPoor · 28/02/2023 08:53

35 in a 40 is not perfect and you don't need to drive regularly below the speed limit.

Drive to the conditions means exactly that. You dont have a set speed you take any road providing its within limits.

Your husband was a twat, and drove dangerously. However its also his actions not yours. Women shouldn't be held responsible for their husbands behaviour. An aggressive driver is probably also likely to be aggressive when questioned

Equally your colleague was antagonistic, and if able to continually swear probably suggests they could have sped up.

Springintoabetterlife · 28/02/2023 08:54

I’m not surprised you have anxiety when you live with an aggressive twat.

ohfibonacci · 28/02/2023 08:54

People don’t suddenly have personality transplants when they get behind a wheel. This is the person he is- aggressive, entitled, selfish. I would apologise to my friend and rethink my marriage.

Brightblueskysunshine · 28/02/2023 08:58

Oh my goodness this has kept you up at night hasn't it ? Its awkward but as people said a brief apology and then let it go for a few days . Can you do it in a text if it's too awkward for you to do it in person?

Xol · 28/02/2023 08:59

KateAusten · 28/02/2023 07:07

You weren't driving so what's the problem?

That she's demonstrated to her colleague that her husband is a twat? That her colleague might think she condones what he did?

loobylou10 · 28/02/2023 09:02

Porridgealert
I hate slow drivers, too. Drive to the speed limit unless there is more than one lane to overtake. Slow drivers cause stress to other people and lead to accidents. They're very frustrating

Slow drivers don't cause stress to most 'normal' drivers @Porridgealert - maybe they do to you, but then you're coming across much like the OP husband! It's a limit not a target and just because you've got too much to do doesn't mean everyone else has to drive the way you want them to.

TheFireflies · 28/02/2023 09:04

My driving instructor - while acknowledging that road conditions were important - would also expect me to drive to the speed limit where conditions were suitable, i.e. dry, clear, no low sun etc. He would pull me up on driving too slowly.

That said, there’s no excuse for such shitty behaviour no matter how frustrated.

butterfliedtwo · 28/02/2023 09:06

TrinnySmith · 28/02/2023 06:59

Can you pop round with some flowers and a huge apology. And an assurance that your DH is going to go for counselling for his anger.

It might be nice to see her before the work situation.

You shouldn't really feel bad for someone else's bad behaviour. It's all on him.

That would be so awkward. Don't do that.

Goldenbear · 28/02/2023 09:07

Who has the mindset to get wound up by this stuff. I just can't understand people who are so het up by 5mph difference. It's quite an eye opener.

Kittlbua · 28/02/2023 09:10

He's an aggressive twat.
I live in another country where we have wankers behaving like this all the time.
The speed limit is the absolute fastest you should drive on a particular stretch of road but speed needs to be adapted to suit the actual conditions.
There are plenty of places around here that are 50 kmh limits, but driving at 50 would be too fast due to the layout of the roads - lots of corners, junctions where people tend to drive out without looking, a lot of traffic, a lot of bicycles and so on and so forth.
It's perfectly reasonable to drive at 40-45 in a 50 zone when the road conditions necessitate that.
The other night I was driving home in bad weather conditions - yes, I was under the speed limit in an 80 zone, but that was the correct thing to do because of the weather. Still, I had a twat tailgating me and leaning on his horn.

If the conditions are suitable then people should be driving at the speed limit. If not, they should be driving at a safe speed.
And tailgating wankers need to stop doing it!!

Goldenbear · 28/02/2023 09:11

Surely Tailgating leads to more accidents?

All these super angry drivers about there is one woman that I see every day drive her child to secondary school down the lane that says no entry and is the back entrance to the school. She is so angry and drives where she shouldn't at a speed she shouldn't and is putting my DC and others at risk who walk down the lane!

1000yellowdaisies · 28/02/2023 09:11

I would apologise to the colleague.
Your DH sounds like an absolute dick and its no wonder you were mortified.
I had an incident last year where i was driving on the M56 with the kids, there's a stretch thats 50mph as its quite bendy and several curves (and covered by cameras) i was doing exactly 50 and some knob decided to tailgate me to go faster, he came so close i thought he was going to actually going to ram into the back of me it was awful. He was mouthing abuse at me, flashing his lights, then over took me as soon as he could and did more shouting and gesturing as he drove past.

I have been driving for 15 years and wasn't driving slowly. I never thought i was easily intimidated but it was horrible and it took me a minute to realise ny hands were white from gripping the wheel .
What your DH is doing is not normal, its terrible behaviour. You should be embarrassed and ashamed of him. You aren't responsible for his behaviour but by driving around with him knowing he behaves like that its almost tacit approval of what he does. You need to make some changes. He's a bully and he could cause at accident one day.

ItsShiela · 28/02/2023 09:11

The limit is the absolute limit. There is no need to drive at the limit, and for a margin of safety you should always aim for 3-5 ks under the limit. If people who are impatient to get to their grave earlier tailgate you, then let them make the mistake, if they rear end you they're at fault. They'll only catch up to you at the next set of lights so that 2 seconds extra got them fucking nowhere. Never go at the limit unless absolutely necessary.

NotMyDayJob · 28/02/2023 09:12

TheFireflies · 28/02/2023 09:04

My driving instructor - while acknowledging that road conditions were important - would also expect me to drive to the speed limit where conditions were suitable, i.e. dry, clear, no low sun etc. He would pull me up on driving too slowly.

That said, there’s no excuse for such shitty behaviour no matter how frustrated.

But the key thing is 'where conditions were suitable ' and there's driving too slowly, and driving too slowly, a few miles below the speed limit is not a problem, tootling along at 10mph is. We don't know what the conditions were in this situation.

I'm not blindly defending slow drivers, I was once stuck behind an older driver who was literally doing about 20 on a 60 road, only one lane either side, kept pulling over towards the side of the road to allow cars to pass but without taking consideration that no one could over take because of oncoming traffic. It was really dangerous and if I'd had a passenger I'd have asked them to take the number plate to report to 101.

Xol · 28/02/2023 09:14

Way back when I was a young thing I would occasionally get stressed by someone driving slowly when I was in a hurry. Fortunately that didn't translate into tailgating or rude gestures, it mostly translated into a lot of swearing and my blood pressure going up. But then I grew up and worked out that in the long run it rarely made much difference if someone was going a bit slowly, and that my getting stressed was only harming me, and nowadays I take a very Zen attitude and leave it all to fate.

The interesting question is why men in particular don't grow up and work that one out for themselves.

AnnoyedFromSlough · 28/02/2023 09:14

Just a wee note on car speedometers.

The law for car speedometers in the UK
The UK law is based on the EU standard, with some minor changes. A speedo must never show less than the actual speed, and must never show more than 110% of actual speed + 6.25mph.

So if your true speed is 40mph, your speedo could legally be reading up to 50.25mph but never less than 40mph. Or to put it another way, if your speedo is reading 50mph, you won’t be doing more than 50mph but it’s possible you might actually only be travelling at 40mph.

To ensure that they comply with the law and make sure that their speedometers are never showing less than true speed under any foreseeable circumstances, car manufacturers will normally deliberately calibrate their speedos to read ‘high’ by a certain amount. As your satnav is not the designated device by which a car’s speed is measured, it does not need to incorporate any fudge factoring

billy1966 · 28/02/2023 09:16

He's awful and no doubt a huge contributor to your anxiety.

Don't have children with such an awful man.

I hope your colleague reports him, you should encourage her to, you were a witness to his behaviour.

His behaviour is abusive.

ItsShiela · 28/02/2023 09:18

FrenchFancie · 28/02/2023 07:30

As my instructor used to say ‘it’s a limit not a target’. I very rarely drive on the limit, I’m usually around 4-5mph under it, depending on circumstances.
i have several reasons - I have a sight condition (I’ve reported it to DVLA and I’m still allowed to drive before anyone bleats at me!) which means my visual processing can sometimes be a bit slower than I would like, driving slightly below the limit tends to give me extra time to make decisions without feeling panicked. This is on my instructor’s suggestion when I learnt 8 years ago.
I passed my test in the uk and the almost immediately moved to a country with lower speed limits - you couldn’t go faster than 60 on the motorway and most country roads were limited to 50, with large stretches at 30. I got used to driving at those speeds and now find the UK very fast.
also I just don’t want to get a speeding ticket, my insurance is high enough as it is (see the first point!). I have a tracker fitted to the car to bring the cost down, if I charge around at the speed limit there a strong chance I would end up going over the limit at some point. It’s just not worth it.

if people get frustrated with me that’s on them, I’m not getting involved.

as for the OP - I would acknowledge your husbands poor behaviour but not apologise for him. I would reconsider having him drive me anywhere though if he can’t behave himself.

As my instructor used to say ‘it’s a limit not a target’. I very rarely drive on the limit, I’m usually around 4-5mph under it, depending on circumstances.

Yes, any good driving instructor will tell you never drive at the limit unless absolutely necessary. Always have a buffer zone under the limit for safety. Those who drive at the limit all the time are idiots who got their licence out of a serial box, and are not fit to be on the roads.

DaveyJonesLocker · 28/02/2023 09:19

I hate slow drivers. But I would never ever tailgate and rev and stress somebody out. Because I'm not a dickhead. And also because if someone's driving slow I'd say they're not a particularly confident driver, forcing them to drive faster or stressing them out is going to increase the chance of an accident, and if you're up their arse you're going to het caught in it too.

If I was your work friend I'd be really sympathetic, it wasn't your fault, and I've been where you are, I'd feel really bloody sorry for you.

But you should go and apologise, don't try to excuse him, just apologise.

ItsShiela · 28/02/2023 09:21

As to the OP, your husband is nasty, aggressive a dangerous driver who could get you killed one day, has no respect and sounds like a pig. I hope his dick is gold-plated because I wouldn't be staying with such fucken pig of a man unless he got anger therapy. Have some self-respect and get out or at least get him some therapy.

Goldenbear · 28/02/2023 09:25

'Hate' why? I genuinely don't get all the strong feelings over driving.

whynotwhatknot · 28/02/2023 09:26

ive had this done to me although iw as driving 30 in a 30 zone

prick behind me beeped and overtook and yes i stuck my finger up

either he couldnt read or didnt care

steppemum · 28/02/2023 09:26

JaimieP · 28/02/2023 02:42

They have met once but he didn’t care because in the moment he doesn’t care who it is.

I wonder if you realise just how much of a red flag this statement is?

So when he is angry he is incapable of controlling himself?
In the heat of the moment all rational thought goes out of the window?

How long before that anger is directed at you for something? That rage goes to hitting you, or throwing something at you?

This is NOT normal in an adult. In a small child yes, when angry they cannot control their emotions. By the time we are adults, we have learned that control. We have learned that we can choose to stop/not do a particular thing when angry. Anyone who hasn't is dangerous.

Please atke a moment to think about this.
How long have you been married? has he ever hit you? Do you have kids?

What is he bringing to the table, because he sounds awful, and I think you deserve more.

Athlebad · 28/02/2023 09:30

Porridgealert · 28/02/2023 03:16

It depends. I wouldn't do it for a 35 in a 40. But I might do it for a 30 in a 50. I probably wouldn't tailgate, because if they can't drive at 50mph, they're going to be unpredictable and probably poor drivers.
That woman knew someone was frustrated behind her, was capable of driving while giving the finger, but couldn't go 4 miles faster? She just did it to wind him up.

I think it can help, when you're frustrated with another driver, to try to think of a good reason why they might be driving in the way they are (e.g. slower than the speed limit) rather than just assuming that they're a poor driver.

For example, I have to drive someone for my job. She's disabled with very weak muscles and has to be driven slowly or she might get hurt or be unable to hold her head up. On a bumpy or bendy 50 mph road, I have to stay at or below 35 mph.

I often experience road rage from other drivers when I drive her. I can only assume they think I'm a poor driver and indignantly think they're in the right.

Puppers · 28/02/2023 09:31

Porridgealert · 28/02/2023 03:07

I hate slow drivers, too. Drive to the speed limit unless there is more than one lane to overtake. Slow drivers cause stress to other people and lead to accidents. They're very frustrating

Driving 35 in a 40 speed zone does not cause accidents and OP’s friend did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.

Being overly emotional and angry, having no self control, using your vehicle as a weapon to intimidate other road users, tailgating, incorrectly using the horn to bully other road users, swearing and threatening behaviour- all of this is distracting, dangerous and most of it is actually illegal.

If you find other road users so frustrating that you are unable to control your emotions and drive safely, you have no business being behind the wheel of a car and endangering other people’s lives.

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