To be too embarrassed to face friend after DH’s road rage

[JaimieP]

My husband was driving to my mum’s yesterday and on the journey I saw my work friend in front driving 35 in a 40 and my husband thought it would be appropriate to tailgate and keep revving the engine up her arse whilst beeping the horn and swearing. She was sticking fingers up back and then she locked eyes with me when he ripped round her when he was able to.

I’ve never felt so humiliated and embarrassed!! I want the ground to swallow me up! I already suffer with social anxiety as it is and I’m fuming at my DH for behaving this way and I can’t face her on Thursday when I see her at work!

Of course I work. I dont work with nimbies so not sure what your getting at.

Anyway you do you.

Children? Partner? Close family you care about?

only someone who has very little love in their life and therefore very little to lose would be so 🤷‍♀️ about how to intentionally and pre mediated interpret the law on speeding

I dont think that driving fast actually gets you somewhere faster.

This was illustrated to me when I left home at the same time as a neighbour. I was driving behind him for about 8 miles until our routes diverged and we'd driven through suburbs and a town centre. He was accelerating fast through every traffic light, careering round corners etc whilst I was probably doing 28mph in a 30 zone and not burning rubber off the lights. He never got ahead of me, I was immediately behind him when our routes diverged. I used less fuel, less stress and was about 1 second behind him after 8 miles.

I get frustrated by slow drivers. I was behind someone doing 8mph in a 20 last week. I didnt feel the need to tailgate them though and honk my horn. They probably should not have been on the road though at that speed.

@Hellsmovie

you posted this last week on a thread about driving points

Or doing anything over 70 on an empty motorway. Not necessarily dangerous bit still against the law.

I've got a ringing phone out my pocket to pass to my partner before . Not dangerous but against the law .

I suppose theres got to be a line somewhere.

If you say so. Speeding isnt the instant peril you think it is . And almost always victimless

And....

So with regard to the 70mph… you’re happy with that particular “line”

Yeah .

Illegal yes
Dangerous not necessarily

I'm a firm believer that you should be able to drive to the conditions of the road.

There should be no reason why I cant do 100+ on a nearly empty motorway. The only reason I dont is I know it would almost certainly result in a ban

there’s not much that is “necessarily dangerous”

Hell-bent on speeding some of us!

So you agree that going above 70 on a motorway isnt always dangerous

I'm really not surprised you suffer with social anxiety if you're going through life with the social equivalent of a wet fart as your spouse.

Does he get angry with you, too?

I hate being chased by tossers like him and would be far more likely to get nervous and lose my concentration and cause an accident. How dare he decide he has the god given right to get there at the expense of everyone's peace of mind. There might be good reasons why someone will drive below the speed limit e.g. they can see an obstacle ahead, they are not confident on that road (compared with say someone who drives the same route daily), they have someone in the car who is hurt or ill, they are towing or carrying certain kinds of loads, their car is a bit knackered and they are on the way to the garage - to name just a few. Your poor friend. I would reach out to her, say sorry, and - since she has seen what he can be like - she might be a good ally in future.

No. Do not ever apologies for someone else’s behaviours where you did not condone it. It is you being shamed and embarrassed. And that’s on your husband for both the incident that was intimidating and agressive, and to put you in a situation where you are shamed

talk to her .sure. Tell her you feel embarrassed and that husband was out of order. But do not apologise on his behalf. You can say something empathetic like if you’d been receiving end of his behaviour you’d have either thought he was a dick or been intimidated and you wouldn’t have liked it either.

ALMOST.

Nothing absolutely nothing is “always dangerous”

“Isn’t always dangerous”

can you think of anything that precludes even the slightest remotest slither of danger?

@Whiteroomjoy I see apologies as a genuine expression of regret, not an admission of guilt. And certainly not shameful and embarrassing. I think too many people were raised with that message and it makes us worse people.

Apologising is not 'losing' which is how many people see it.

So if it's not always dangerous, then it reasonable to say its sometimes safe.

This. I was driving on some roads last week in Lake District. Speed limit was 40, but they were very hair pin and up and down,limited visibility of oncoming traffic or even which way road was going once over the rise, and not to mention a fair few potholes.
I drove closer to 30 most of that stretch, it did not feel safe to go more, car behind me was keeping good way back, and I actually came up behind a white van doing even less for a few miles, before he turned into a farm. I assume most locals who know road very well can do 40 , but if you didn’t it would have been a good way to hit the dry stone walls on either side.

similarly motorways are 70, but if it’s icy or poor visibility due to very heavy rain or foggy you’d be a careless driver to drive at that speed

drive to limit if it is safe to do so, depending on road conditions and the road itself.

Absolutely.

has anyone, anyone, said every time someone drives over 70mph an accident happens? No but it’s about probability

and the probability of an accident occurring when a driver is driving in excess of a Speed Limit increases. And the consequence of an accident when you are in excess of the speed limit will be worse when the vehicle(s) involved are travelling at higher speed.

Hence the law punishes those that increase the probability of an accident, which if did occur, would likely cause injury and or damage

I live on a Lane with 60mph speed limit on part. It is narrow, pot-holed, no shoulders, poorly drained with permanent puddles. Your lucky to achieve 35, and anyone trying at 60 would end up in a ditch.
60 mph is the limit IF ROAD CONDITIONS WARRANT. You should always drive no faster than would be safe. The OPs original post might be a scenario where, sure, the limit was 40, but road conditions meant it safe only to drive more slowly.
There is a correct way to pass a slow car: maintain correct distance behind (eg, 1 car length per 10mph speed), when it is safe to do so, pull out into opposite Lane, accelerate and pass, return to correct Lane.
This does not include tailgating, swerving back & forth behind, gesturing, honking!

He sounds like a total bell end. What do you see in him?

I would refuse to get in a car with him if he drives like that. Do you have DC? Does he drive so badly with them in the car?

You are missing my point …I spent quite a few years apologising for my husbands behaviour and regretting incidences had happened. He had a severe and enduring mental illness and that would lead him to pick arguments with random people he thought had said things ( hearing voices, hallucinations, paranoia etc). I was always patching things up, expressing regret for his behaviour. But I felt humiliated- not because of apologising, but because of him making those people feel scared, angry, confused. He never apologised to me for the fear it produced in me, for the emotional labour of noticing what had happened and trying to put the people he’d upset or scared at their ease again, or explain it wasnt their fault

doing that for over 15 years, was one of things that made me mentally ill in turn- panic attacks, anxiety, avoiding social contacts, walking on eggshells.

when I took an active decision to say nope, no more, if he screws up, he must deal with the consequences himself whatever happens, I was able to step away from feeling responsible by association to put things to rights . Yes, I wasn’t happy he was getting into altercations but I was able to distance myself emotionally from the consequences and the shame I felt - that shame was controlling me in multiple ways. There was nothing I could do to prevent his actions, I was not in control of that and that lack of control was causing a lot of anxiety

I think even expressing regret through apology, for an action by someone else , is by its very nature taking on the burden, shame, by association of that act. If the person whose actions you’re apologising for keeps repeating the behaviours ( as is stated here), nope..it is going to eat at her own mental well-being to spend her life trying to patch up things after his screw ups.

I'm sorry for that @Whiteroomjoy

And I take your point.