Anyone else have no help with childcare?

[misspiggy23]

Just that really. It's kind of hit me how little help we have and how it's impacting our life. Not that I mind, I love my baby and prefer to be home with her. Dh is great and happily takes the reigns if I want to go out but we can never go out together. Also struggling with work and nursery pick ups.

No family on dh side and only my mum on mine who has made it quite clear she doesn't want to look after dd. Other than the occasional walk in the pushchair she's never had her for more than an hour since she was born. I know this is completely her right but it stings a bit when I was left with my grandparents every weekend as a kid.

Anyone else in the same boat? How do you cope? I suppose I could look into babysitters but it wouldn't feel right leaving her with someone I don't know. I'm only just managing to get my head around nursery and she's been going over a month.

Practically it's tough with all of the running around and not having a break but emotionally I feel quite lonely and trapped too. I'm lucky to have dh, I guess I just wish I had some more family support and that dd had a wider family network wanting to be involved.

Yes. It’s been really hard and it’s one of the main reasons we only have one. The thing I find hardest is we actually do have two parents on both sides but for various complicated reasons they mostly haven’t provided any practical help at all even when we were utterly drowning in those first few months (and me with a CS and multiple health issues). It is so hurtful and so painful I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. People who have grandparents on tap to help honestly don’t have a clue how lucky they are. We are fortunate enough to be able to afford a nanny and she is the only one we trust our DC with but even then we’ve never done more than 2 nights away together in 5 years.

Me. All my childcare is either paid for or none existent.
It is hard. Really fucking hard. 20 years I've been a mother for, and for 20 years I have been battling with childcare problems. My youngest is 7, so I've a way to go yet. Exhausting.
I'm sorry - I wish I had a brighter picture to give. I'm insanely jealous of those who have family to help. For some years I was a single parent, my ex left whilst pregnant with my youngest - my mother allowed me to pay a stranger to care for my toddler when I was in labour and in hospital following the birth rather than care for him herself - when she was perfectly able to. I had a friend with me (not a particularly close friend as I don't seem to be able to keep those as I never have time to go and see them thanks to having no real childcare outside of paid options) and her niece I paid to have my toddler and 12 year old.
My father fucked off on a month long holiday even though he knew I was due and needed help.
I have no siblings. And their father absolved himself of all responsibility.

Yes me but I’m also a single parent so not even a partner. I have 4 children and family live near by but won’t help. That’s fine I don’t expect them to but people do seem surprised and assume I must live nowhere near them rather than they are 10 mins away but have never helped.

Us, our families are supportive but far away. Fortunately we have flexible jobs so nursery pickups and drop offs are ok.

We don't get out much in the evening, we go for lunch together whenever we can - sometimes by taking a half day, sometimes while WFH. A couple of times a year we get one of the women from nursery to babysit which is great as they know the kids and the kids know them, and we fully trust them.

We never had any help either. Best advice I can give you is to see if any of the nursery workers want babysitting work. I felt so much better leaving the kids with someone they knew who I knew had experience.

One of them left the nursery for a while but then we asked her to be our nanny, worked out really well.

We have no family help. We juggle the pick ups and drop offs around our work. We pay one DS's nursery workers to babysit when we want a night out together. Most of the time we go out separately though. I wish we could have more time together... but they won't be little forever.

I would love love love a lie in while they sleep over at a relative's house!

Yep family all spread out, had first night out together when kids were 4 and 7. They've had to come with us everywhere.
It stings a little seeing all the grandparents doing pickup or at events, but I try not to think of it.

Us too, we have supportive family on both sides but they are a long way away. It’s exhausting and while we adore DS our relationship has suffered as we never get to do anything just us or switch off from parenting. We’ve recently had one of DS’s nursery workers babysit a couple of times and it’s been amazing to go out and feel like people in our own right instead of just mummy and daddy! Could be worth asking at your DC’s nursery? Although it does add £££ to the cost of each night out….

Yep, no family. The most lonely part is having no one older to ask for advice. 😞

The only help we've ever had with childcare we've paid for. I do sometimes envy people who can leave DC overnight with family or even have a weekend away without them, but we've never managed it!!

I’m in awe at how you all manage…..i pick up my eldest GD from school twice a week and take her to activities then for tea then take her home at around 7pm ….. my eldest GD sleeps over at least once a week….I have my Eldest and her younger sibling for DD and partners date nights around once every 6 weeks ….and I have both of them for the weekend when my DD goes away with her partner maybe twice a year…..my partner and I take the girls away for a week once a year…..Im 58 and work still but only 2 days a week now so it’s very doable….My DD is always very grateful and appreciative….it helps that they live only a 5 minute drive from us

Loads of people have no help. You hire help. If you want to precious about that, you can, but you can't also complain about never getting a break.

Yep, lots of people in this situation. My parents are other side of the world. In laws are 9 hours' drive away. When DC was little, I used babysitters from nursery. Lots of the staff did casual cash-in-hand babysitting for nursery families. I would never have used a babysitter DC didn't know, but this was perfect. We all knew each other, I knew they had first aid training etc. Was easy. Now DC is school aged I tend to do swaps with other school parents for nights that aren't super later. For events where we'll be home later, I rotate between a few friends (so nobody is doing it more than once every 9 months - a year) - we have about 4 good 'older' friends in their 60s who are retired, so they have more time and genuinely seem happy to help.

I meant to add…that GDs other granny is involved ….not as much as me as she works more…but she picks up both girls from school and nursery once a week….and has them overnight maybe 4 times a year….and will have them Saturday mornings if their Dad is working extra hours….this kind of Granny involvement is pretty much the norm in my social circle

I had no help at all when my DC were little. Ex husband's parents lived 10,000 miles away, and my parents were a bit nearer at 300 miles away. However, I never thought about it. My children were my children, and it never crossed my mind that someone else might look after them. I didn't have any time apart from them until they went to school. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to look after them. I don't think this is that unusual.

When they were little I would swap babysitting with friends, so dh would stay home with my dc and I would baby sit their dc so they could go out then vice versa. When the children were a bit older we paid older teens of other school mums. Now my dd does some babysitting.

I don't think it's that unusual tbh. Lots of people live a long way from family, we have only had paid help day to day and we only see family when they are visiting so we don't use them for babysitting. Now the big ones are a bit older, there are rare occasions where they are both at sleepovers. I think you have to build your 'village'and have reciprocal childcare arrangements with friends if you want cover.

Yeah, you get used to it tbh. When they get a bit older they sometimes have play dates / sleepovers / brownie camps etc.

My kids are 15&12 now and we've never had a night away since the eldest was born. Tbf that doesn't bother me at all I'm more jealous of people who have a back up for if they're sick or something comes up etc. (More so when kids were littler). That's what I envy.

The lack of childcare doesn’t bother me much because I’m lucky enough to have a really involved DH, but the lack of family in general really does. Nobody to spend Christmas with, nobody to book family holidays with, nobody to pop in and see DD on her birthday to make it special, nobody to chat or vent to, nobody to get advice or encouragement from, no cousins for DD to play with, no gatherings or parties, nobody to invite over for dinner or buy thoughtful gifts for. I’ve felt really jealous of people who have this over the years, but I’m hoping that one day I’ll find some good friends to do all that with instead so I don’t let it get me too down!

Can you adopt me please? You sound like a great nan and I’d love my son to have a nan like you

No help here either. Family close by don’t want to help and never have. It’s hard but it’s made us a real little unit.

Me and DH is pretty useless. I had no idea how exhausting it would be!! More mentally for me, I just need a break! Wish I could run away on my own for 2 or 3 days!

the only help we get is paid for- nursery. I’ve had to take so much time off work because she’s been poorly and we w had no one else to help. My mother doesn’t help with childcare and neither does dh parents. It’s bloody hard! And sad that no one seems to want to see DD

zero.
both my kids have asd and many complex disabilities each and im their full time carer.im also a lone parent(i don't use the term single as that implies your single but kids have a dad)
neither sleep either.

i chose to be a SAHM but at 12\18 months oldest sons disabilities started showing so by the time son 2 came i was well in to being a carer for a disabled child

because of said disabilities there's no school for them(too severe for mainstream and no special schools exist here) ive been forced in to home education.

we only do village schools and you have to be in that village to attend,the next village is for that school.

we have a very backwards approach to schools here.
there no way either of my kids could attend said school,i was told when my son was 4 we cant take him, look else where. there's no where else to look to so i was forces into home ed.

by the tine son 2 came i was well into home ed.

i don't "work"as such so don't need childcare but i don't get no time off,time to my self.

no help off anyone professional, educationally or socially.(majorly let down by the medical and educational system)

when people assume you have a support network or family to help out i get angry it as no, not everyone does

i am literally a 24/7 carer first, then lone parent

We have four kids and no extended family. It was hard when they were younger (and I look back and wonder how on earth did we do it?) But now they are older it's fine. The older kids can babysit the youngest and they are all close and help each other out a bit. My husband and I are a good team after years of compromising. But its OK to be a bit envious of other people's support network, everyone around us has loads of family...after school childcare /emergency pickups/sunday lunch cooked for you /someone to come to make a fuss for birthdays and come to grandparents day at school etc they don't realise what it's like not to have this. It must be great just to drop them all to granny's and leave the responsibility there for a night ! Paid childcare still means you need to be back at a particular time and you are still ultimately responsible.....I just hope we can support our kids.