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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone else have no help with childcare?

118 replies

misspiggy23 · 27/02/2023 22:46

Just that really. It's kind of hit me how little help we have and how it's impacting our life. Not that I mind, I love my baby and prefer to be home with her. Dh is great and happily takes the reigns if I want to go out but we can never go out together. Also struggling with work and nursery pick ups.

No family on dh side and only my mum on mine who has made it quite clear she doesn't want to look after dd. Other than the occasional walk in the pushchair she's never had her for more than an hour since she was born. I know this is completely her right but it stings a bit when I was left with my grandparents every weekend as a kid.

Anyone else in the same boat? How do you cope? I suppose I could look into babysitters but it wouldn't feel right leaving her with someone I don't know. I'm only just managing to get my head around nursery and she's been going over a month.

Practically it's tough with all of the running around and not having a break but emotionally I feel quite lonely and trapped too. I'm lucky to have dh, I guess I just wish I had some more family support and that dd had a wider family network wanting to be involved.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 28/02/2023 15:41

We had no family nearby when our DS was born but we either paid for a babysitter or 'swapped' childcare arrangements with friends ... do 'babysitting circles' still exist?

Springchicken75 · 28/02/2023 19:12

misspiggy23 · 28/02/2023 11:05

"I say this gently but is your mum depressed? Suffering with her mental health? You paint a very sad and lonely picture of her, if she is struggling she may not be able to be there for you and your dc in the same way. It may be hard grieving in silence and checked out of all important connections."

I think she probably is. She definitely has an issue with drinking. I think this may be why she isn't willing to have dd, it means she will have to cut back and she doesn't want to. I have tried to help, encourage her to see a doctor, include her in family holidays and days out etc. but it's hard because a lot of it revolves around drink and I find it hard to be around her when she's under the influence. It's also not something I want my dc to see.

I have to accept that she's not in a place where she's able to help but it's sad for us all.

Yes I think some acceptance around your mother self medicating with alcohol is really hard to achieve but would be really helpful to you. Would you consider counselling? Accepting a parent is no longer a parent in any meaningful sense is very hard when they are still alive.

It seems to me it would be too big a risk to leave your child there any way, what if there was an emergency and she was too drunk to drive? The ambulances can’t be relied on.

In your mums case, I think it is very sad that she is in such a bad place and she isn’t capable to care for her GC. Sometimes when people hit rock bottom they resist much needed help. In your place, I would try to accept I won’t have the help and support I deserve, find new ways to achieve freedom and childcare and be glad she did help you when she could. Your mum really needs pity and compassion op.

lurchermummy · 28/02/2023 21:39

Mine are grown up now but when my DD was born we lived abroad and I had no family anywhere nearby, DH working full time and my friends were either working full time or had babies as well, it was hard.

isitalloveryet · 28/02/2023 21:48

Similar situation here, my DM was disabled so couldn't help and MIL no interest in our kids

We just had to manage or pay babysitters and nursery fees but for years DH and I rarely went out together as bd we have not had a child free break/holiday in nearly 17 years

It's just the way it is I suppose but its hard seeing friends getting full childcare from both sets of grandparents and unlimited weekend babysitters

It does get easier as they get older

girlfriend44 · 28/02/2023 21:51

Thetigerateit · 28/02/2023 00:01

The lack of childcare doesn’t bother me much because I’m lucky enough to have a really involved DH, but the lack of family in general really does. Nobody to spend Christmas with, nobody to book family holidays with, nobody to pop in and see DD on her birthday to make it special, nobody to chat or vent to, nobody to get advice or encouragement from, no cousins for DD to play with, no gatherings or parties, nobody to invite over for dinner or buy thoughtful gifts for. I’ve felt really jealous of people who have this over the years, but I’m hoping that one day I’ll find some good friends to do all that with instead so I don’t let it get me too down!

Just cos people have family dosent mean they do holidays and Christmas etc.
Lots of families don't even talk.

Thetigerateit · 28/02/2023 22:04

girlfriend44 · 28/02/2023 21:51

Just cos people have family dosent mean they do holidays and Christmas etc.
Lots of families don't even talk.

Show quote history

That’s what I’d define as a lack of family.

mathanxiety · 28/02/2023 22:05

I never had anyone.

I found local babysitters.

Nottodaty · 28/02/2023 22:15

It’s hard , I remember the nursery years never really went out just the two of us as we couldn’t afford a baby sitter. The only time we paid for one of the nursery staff was so we could go to a primary school new starters meeting!

We didn’t live near family, we shared the pick ups / drop offs. I did most of the sick nursery days which was tough. My Dad had to travel up when he had a few days off (shift worker) to help us when girls had chicken pox. That was only once we had to ask for help - we live 2/3 hours away from family.

My husband would like to move away now the children older - I’ve said I want to be near my grandchildren (when the time comes) as I know how hold it is doing it without any family support. So I’ve said for now we staying, & if both girls move away we will live inbetween them :)

echt · 28/02/2023 22:17

Both GPs were far away and getting on on years, 80 and 75 ,when we had DD.

We had no help but then knew we wouldn't. We were in the position to throw money at the issue; overnight baby sits with the childminder, au pairs when DD of school age.

To be fair, I can count on both hands and toes the number of times DD was babysat in her childhood; we liked being at home.

OP you do have an option, just one you don't like, which is hiring babysitters as most have to do.

I've never quite got the envy of others having GPs to pitch in as it's conversation I never had with anyone. I suppose I assumed all my contemporaries were in the same position, who, now I think of it, they were.

anon37484291918 · 28/02/2023 23:10

I have no help. It's hard.

Zanatdy · 28/02/2023 23:21

It’s tough. I was in the same boat, my kids have grown up now and don’t need babysitters. What about asking some of nursery staff if they do babysitting? Ours did

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/02/2023 23:28

You have a dh so you do have help with childcare.

I don't think people realise there are thousands of lone parents doing it 24/7 with no support at all. If there are two of you to share the load count your blessings

TheCatsSocks · 28/02/2023 23:42

My inlaws have the mentally of 'well we didn't have any help' which I find so irritating. They also moved away when dcs were 3 and 1. Their choice, their freedom. But it's so obvious they only want to occasionally see us when it suits them and only for the fun grandparent bits.

If we are ever grandparents, dh and I have already said we will help out and support because it's totally shit and really really tough without it.

This is controversial but from similar forums I've seen on mn, there seems to be two types of grandparents - the giving, family orientated ones and the 'we've got our own lives' ones. The latter can be taken to the extreme in some cases.

SMabbutt · 01/03/2023 00:00

Family helping with childcare was never really an option when mine were growing up. We lived hours from both sides of the family and when I had my 1st 4 (I have 5) our parents were still working full time any way. I guess because we knew from the start family help wasn't going to be available generally there was no expectation and no disappointment. Plus my parents never really asked for help when they had us, so it seemed normal. I'm not really into going out anyway - definitely a homebody - so I didn't find much of a change re nights out or hobbies. As for being hard work, well yes but I guess that's what comes of having 3 in just under 3 years, and I have a very hands on and capable dh which made life much easier. I kind of miss it actually. I found the teenage years much harder.

MrsRandom123 · 01/03/2023 00:31

Me - i never have & my kids are 12 we’ve had 2 nights out in 12 years when my oldest was 3 & each one involved settling her to bed first so going out later for dinner & then home fairly early (driving) so only for a few hours & not worth it. That was with my sister who then decided it was too much hard work to watch tv & eat our food for a few hours when she got a bit older.

No contact with husbands family (long story but their doing) both my parents are dead no family on my mums side & my dads i have an aunt we see every few years & a cousin who lives abroad. I gave up my career to be a sahm & in the early days itt was tough but husband has own business with long hours so no choice. Its tough but we / i have managed even when they were babies & i felt like i couldn’t!

JuleseyOC · 04/12/2023 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mary46 · 04/12/2023 12:50

Same here op. Thankfully they 18 now so dont need help. It def stung in early years when we saw people with great family to help. I had a local lady if I had school meetings or apts. Its really tough when you have no backup.

Allfur · 04/12/2023 12:53

Babysitters all the way, either local or from an agency

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