Anyone else have no help with childcare?

[misspiggy23]

Just that really. It's kind of hit me how little help we have and how it's impacting our life. Not that I mind, I love my baby and prefer to be home with her. Dh is great and happily takes the reigns if I want to go out but we can never go out together. Also struggling with work and nursery pick ups.

No family on dh side and only my mum on mine who has made it quite clear she doesn't want to look after dd. Other than the occasional walk in the pushchair she's never had her for more than an hour since she was born. I know this is completely her right but it stings a bit when I was left with my grandparents every weekend as a kid.

Anyone else in the same boat? How do you cope? I suppose I could look into babysitters but it wouldn't feel right leaving her with someone I don't know. I'm only just managing to get my head around nursery and she's been going over a month.

Practically it's tough with all of the running around and not having a break but emotionally I feel quite lonely and trapped too. I'm lucky to have dh, I guess I just wish I had some more family support and that dd had a wider family network wanting to be involved.

We have absolutely no one as well.
Both sets of grandparents lives abroad.
Aunts/uncles lives in different cities
No friends we trust enough to leave DS with
No, I'm not leaving my child with a baby sitter for various personal reasons.
We never go out without DS, No date nights for DH and I, nothing.
Honestly I'm not complaining, we're content and it wont be forever.

Here! No help from family whatsoever. My only days off where when DH took them to grandparents ( live abroad) for 5 days. I am the default parent since my daughter was born 11y ago. No idea how I hold it together.

Eighteen years on, I would like to reassure everyone that is facing the huge and relentless task of raising children entirely without help. It does get older as the children grow. My dh and I have never had a single night alone due to our lack of help, so dc have been with us from day one.

Now they are reaching adulthood it’s become obvious to me the upsides. I could not see the benefits at the time, but now it’s plainly obvious how close knit we really are. What we lost with help we gained in terms of strong and very deep bonds with our children. We faced life challenges on our own, so in the process we taught the children to be independent inadvertently, to be responsible for themselves and not to be overly reliant on others. As a result they are grounded, resilient and adored children, they feel very very secure because they have never been palmed off, or left with strangers.

I now see it as a blessing as I didn’t lose any time with my dc whilst they were young, and now they are preparing for university and beyond they do so knowing we have their backs 100%

A word of warning - make time for each other even with no support, if you are married, romantic dinners at home or early dinners with dc in restaurants and then post dinner drinks. Try and find a trusted babysitter as they grow up for days and nights out and emergencies. You can make it work without family support with some planning and careful thought.

We are super close, and I am grateful for such a close family now the dc are older.

Easier as the children grow older

No not jealous ☺️

Nice to have some solidarity. As pp have said, it's understandable if GP's are far away but it stings when your own mum lives a 10 minute walk away and still doesn't want to help. If I'm being fair, she helped a lot more with my older dc who is now 9 so I suppose she sees as it as doing her share and now she's older and circumstances have changed (we lost my dad a few years ago) she doesn't want the responsibility of it all over again. I do understand I just feel sad for my baby who won't the same sort of relationship with her grandma as her sibling had and who doesn't have grandparents on her dads side either.

The sad thing is I actually think my mum would benefit from time with dd. She has shut herself away a lot since losing dad and she drinks heavily too. It feels as if she has a good opportunity to shake up this insular, unhealthy lifestyle but she doesn't want to do it. It's her choice of course and I have to accept that. But it's sad.

We also have zero help. My family are nearby but not remotely interested. DHs family are all abroad.

In general we just get on with it, because we don’t know any different. But I must admit it stings quite a bit when I see my friends kids with their grandparents, and wish my children had that too.

It is sad, and you are allowed to feel upset and disappointed. There is also something that feels like a rejection, a kind of indifference that is hard to swallow. We all hope to have a loving family but you are in fact creating one now! Your children will be much more supported than you are.

Ultimately your Mum will lose out, her gc will not be remotely interested in her as they grow up and won’t care either way. Their primary relationships are always with their parents so your Mum stands to lose the lovely visits, the youthful energy and love that would have been so welcome as she heads into much older age.

I say this gently but is your mum depressed? Suffering with her mental health? You paint a very sad and lonely picture of her, if she is struggling she may not be able to be there for you and your dc in the same way. It may be hard grieving in silence and checked out of all important connections.

The only care my DD's had was paid for as we lived overseas. My neighbours 14 year old would come over on rare nights out, her mum was always available if there was an issue just in case but to be honest she was amazing, my dd is autistic but was so compliant for her. When we moved back to Britain we had my friends au pair babysit occasionally, and my parents once a year would have them at their house (4 hour drive away) for a week.

We have a 10 and a 2 year old and had no help what so ever. My parents were the same and always said we had you, it's our job... I have stuck to the same and can say we did it all ourselves a too.

It is hard and I will not say I am not jealous at times of others that get date nights and breaks but they grow so fast, I am enjoying them before I become too uncool to hang with 😂

Yes, and it's one of the reasons we are one and done really.

Our family all live one to two hours away and have never babysat or watched our kid, which is fine as it's not their responsibility and the grandparents are all either getting inform or still working flat out. We have siblings who are too far away to really babysit or have dogs so can't be away for too long.

I do have two best friends who have helped which has been amazing, one watched our son for an hour a couple of times in his first year which was wonderful, we got to go out for a coffee. Another babysits of an evening for a few hours once every six months or so so we can go to the cinema or for a meal which is really kind and appreciated. We never ask and turn down the offer more often than not but it means a lot that they offer.

We have him in nursery three days per week.

I sometimes look at friends with close family with a bit of envy, it blows my mind the idea of being able to call someone over to watch my toddler if I'm poorly, we just have to crack on and the times when we're all ill and have nobody to step in are the hardest we've had since becoming parents. It can be quite scary at times. But there are upsides too, I feel a lot of pride knowing that we're managing without help and there are downsides to having relatives closely involved too as I see all around me.

The one thing that does irritate me though is people complaining they 'get no help' and then in the next breath mentioning their mum has their child half a day per week or grandparents have them for the weekend each month, that's a lot of help. Or people saying 'we do it alone without any help' but then parents magically come stay for a couple weeks when a new baby arrives. Feels a bit disingenuous really.

I am in the same boat, with no help, and DH and I are doing it all ourselves. In the nicest possible way, think you need to get over the not being prepared to "leave them with someone I don't know" hang-up.

If your DC are in nursery, then you wouldn't have known the nursery staff when they first started. Personally, I don't see how leaving my DS with a vetted babysitter with previous childcare experience is any different.

If DH and I want a night out together we use the "sitters" website because the babysitters on there have to have previous childcare experience and are DBS checked. Babysitters who we have booked from there are usually nursery staff, who do evening bookings with sitters to supplement their income. One time we had a babysitter who was a former pediatric nurse!

In general, the babysitters who I have booked from there know far more about young children than I do as a first time parent, so I have had no worries or issues with using them for childcare.

Another possibility, if your nursery permits staff to babysit outside their working hours, is to find out if any of them do this, and arrange for them to babysit your DC.

"I say this gently but is your mum depressed? Suffering with her mental health? You paint a very sad and lonely picture of her, if she is struggling she may not be able to be there for you and your dc in the same way. It may be hard grieving in silence and checked out of all important connections."

I think she probably is. She definitely has an issue with drinking. I think this may be why she isn't willing to have dd, it means she will have to cut back and she doesn't want to. I have tried to help, encourage her to see a doctor, include her in family holidays and days out etc. but it's hard because a lot of it revolves around drink and I find it hard to be around her when she's under the influence. It's also not something I want my dc to see.

I have to accept that she's not in a place where she's able to help but it's sad for us all.

We're in this situation - it can be hard sometimes. My in-laws are helpful but at the other end of the country. My parents are close by but my dad is terminally ill and my mum is his carer so they can't help - and during much of my weekends/days off I'm providing respite for them.
I know this isn't helpful but I just try and focus on the positives - constantly being jealous of the help others have doesn't change the situation or get you anywhere. It gets easier as they get older - my eldest goes on playdates or sleepovers sometimes now.

I was a single mum working full time and had absolutely nobody.
We managed fine but I'm quite laid back and I had a great childminder.
DS was a very low maintenance baby and child and could amuse himself for hours.
So it was ok.

We have family who would help loads but we live abroad so it's not possible to have help. DH and I are a good team and each other's village. We just kinda get on with it cause we have to!

No family here so we have a babysitter. I introduced DS to the babysitter gradually - we all went to the park together, played at home, then the next time I popped to the shop for 15 mins and we increased it from there. Is great having someone reliable that we trust. We've used her to pick up from nursery a couple of times when DH and I both have work events in. Is expensive though!
We found ours on childcare.co.uk

We don't have any help. I don't have contact with my parents & dh's mum lives 10 mins away but doesn't bother with the kids. My dc are 15 & 10 now so not babies. I wouldn't trust anyone I didn't know to look after my kids, so we don't have any child free time. We do escape rooms at home or case files when the kids are in bed, that's a "date" to us. My 15 year old is able to be left alone and has been able to for a few years (not at night as I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him on his own). It is very hard, to not have that break or have just a few hours. Have you met any other parents you could swap babysitting with? I feel very jealous of people I know who have their parents around and involved in their kids lives. It doesn't get better when the kids are older but I no that's a while off for you.

Yep and actually many many people are in the same boat.

On here there will be shock that you don't have someone who will be willing to have your children overnight. But in real life its very rare.

So the only option is to pay for childcare. Which is expensive and OK for work but very hard to justify an extra £50 for a night out

I presume you mean un-paid childcare? We used women from my sons nursery for baby sitting occasionally (very occasionally as it doubled the price of any night out!!), and of course, they went to nursery when I returned to work from maternity leave. So they had childcare. It was just paid for.

A real shame that so many grandparents refuse to offer any help if they live locally.
I help out with my grandchild regularly and it is much appreciated.
My lovely Mum was exactly the same .

Never had any help 25 years ago. Used babysitters or friends to go out.
We don't do childcare for dh's grandchildren though, apart from the odd day in the holidays.

Does anyone at the nursery do baby sitting? I know some of the staff at our nursery do, if I needed someone to look after my 2, then that would be my first choice. They know my kids and my kids would be happy with them.

I think it's important to remember that grandparents are older than ourselves. How we age differs for everyone. So even if your mum is "only" 60, she may not be physically up to the task of babysitting. I think looking at things from their perspective helps with not feeling bitter about the lack of help.