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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else have no help with childcare?

118 replies

misspiggy23 · 27/02/2023 22:46

Just that really. It's kind of hit me how little help we have and how it's impacting our life. Not that I mind, I love my baby and prefer to be home with her. Dh is great and happily takes the reigns if I want to go out but we can never go out together. Also struggling with work and nursery pick ups.

No family on dh side and only my mum on mine who has made it quite clear she doesn't want to look after dd. Other than the occasional walk in the pushchair she's never had her for more than an hour since she was born. I know this is completely her right but it stings a bit when I was left with my grandparents every weekend as a kid.

Anyone else in the same boat? How do you cope? I suppose I could look into babysitters but it wouldn't feel right leaving her with someone I don't know. I'm only just managing to get my head around nursery and she's been going over a month.

Practically it's tough with all of the running around and not having a break but emotionally I feel quite lonely and trapped too. I'm lucky to have dh, I guess I just wish I had some more family support and that dd had a wider family network wanting to be involved.

OP posts:
screamingj · 28/02/2023 06:49

We had zero help, we just got on with it.

itsjustnotok · 28/02/2023 06:52

@misspiggy23 we have no family nearby. Since youngest DD was one and I returned to work DH and I have worked opposite shifts. We get 2-3 days off together a month if we are lucky. We both work 12 hr shifts and my commute isn’t great. DD is now 11. It’s hard work and there are times where I feel alone because it’s just me so often. I work part time and he works full time so often it’s down to me. We only have one car which makes it more challenging!

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 28/02/2023 06:58

It gets easier once your eldest is able to babysit, and we are just starting to hit that phase of life now.

It's a slog. I have had intermittent help, but no such thing as a weekend away. But an occasional evening or crisis situation has been covered.

daffodilandtulip · 28/02/2023 07:00

Yes I've been a single parent since mine were toddlers and have never had family help. I used a nursery when they were younger and did things like compressed hours and working from home to make it work.

It's hard. Relentless.

Mine are now 14&17 and I'm only just starting to see friends in the evening.

Igmum · 28/02/2023 07:00

Yup. Single parent and sole carer to SEN child here. I do have a flexible job but basically all my money went on childcare. SEN means the only way I had school play dates was by hosting. It's pretty relentless.

Oysterbabe · 28/02/2023 07:04

Some of the staff at our nursery have a sideline in babysitting. The kids loved it when one of them came to ours to look after them. You could ask about that?

Roguebludger · 28/02/2023 07:07

I have built an amazing network with neighbours and we help eachother. Do you have anyone nearby?

Swiftswatch · 28/02/2023 07:07

We don’t live near family so have nothing beyond nursery while we work.
In order to have two we will have to move closer to my side.
Its really tough particularly juggling full time work too.

Paturday · 28/02/2023 07:08

Yeah. 3 kids and no help at all day to day (other than DH of course). His parents are out of the picture and mine live 3 hours away. We moved away from parents so guess that’s our fault, but they’re not even supportive over WhatsApp. Just a lot of thumbs up, ‘ok’, ‘oh dear’, ‘yes’ etc answers. Very disheartening as like you I was with my grandparents alllll the time - stayed with one side once a week and the others for a week most school holidays.

Swiftswatch · 28/02/2023 07:08

screamingj · 28/02/2023 06:49

We had zero help, we just got on with it.

🏅

Paturday · 28/02/2023 07:11

To be fair I don’t feel like I NEED them really and knowing me they’d irritate me if they got too involved (just see the masses of interfering grandparent threads on here!) but when you think about how much help they had, and other parents have, it makes you realise that you are doing it all on your own and getting no credit for that 😄 plus my kids love their grandparents. It’s generally on us to trek to them with 3 kids.

mondaytosunday · 28/02/2023 07:13

Yes I had two and my in laws showed no interest, and my own parents were well into their 70s and lived abroad half the year. They did on occasion babysit, but that was after the kids were in bed. I'd say they did it maybe four/five times in total.
My husband also passed away suddenly when they were 4 and 6, so I really was in my own.
I found a teenage baby sitter - the daughter of the vicar of our school - who babysat on occasion. She lived on our street so I didn't have to drive her home.
Sure I got envious of other families who had parents on hand, but mainly for the relationships between grandparents and children, not that they had sitters on call.

toxicroxy · 28/02/2023 07:14

I know mn doesn't agree with gp's should be obliged to offer childcare but I wouldn't ever imagine doing this to my own child. I would rather my child have the opportunity to reconnect with partner as I know how gruelling parenting can be especially if it's you and dh. There's a wedding where you can't take a child then one stays back. There's a special occasion late at night but only one of you could go. There's an important surgery but no one to hold your hand because DH is at home looking after the baby etc. I've tried hiring a baby sitter for an anniversary and my mind was at home all the time wondering what was going on. People rightly feeI more comfortable leaving their little ones with people they know which are family. Imagine the one on one time they could potentially get with their gc, I would love that. My mum looks after ds every time she comes but she lives 3 hours away but my in-laws live nearby and never want to be involved. Coincidentally I had a chat with a colleague who was brought up by gp's and she mentioned how those who had support never once offered support to their own child. Another friend lives near her mother and the mother picks up gc from nursery and does overnight stays as well if the couple has a work trip or simply want a mini break. They then treat the mother in different ways in return like sending her on holiday, surprise birthdays, surprise mothers days, theatres and shopping.

snowtrees · 28/02/2023 07:14

Normal in my area as most people don't have families close by. Those that are within 1/2 hour don't see them much. When they are a bit older people have each others kids for an eve or sleepover etc
Families with help are lucky but not the norm

Margo34 · 28/02/2023 07:15

Daisydreaming1 · 28/02/2023 01:23

the only help we get is paid for- nursery. I’ve had to take so much time off work because she’s been poorly and we w had no one else to help. My mother doesn’t help with childcare and neither does dh parents. It’s bloody hard! And sad that no one seems to want to see DD

Same except it's not that noone seems to want to see DC, they do, and we arrange it together - birthdays, days out, meals here it there together. Often they want to see us all as a family unit any way! But no childcare 'help' here either in the respect OP is talking about, I think.

(Personally) I wouldn't expect or want my family, esp parents or in-laws, to do childcare for me. I want them to have a grandparent relationship with my DC rather than an in-loco-parentis relationship where they'd have my/our boundaries to follow. I want my children to be spoiled by their grandparents and the grandparents to feel that they could. Their health and age means they're not fit or well enough to chase after an active toddler either so it wouldn't be fair on them, either. And they'd have to travel and probably stay over too as they don't live close by.

So we juggle it ourselves with paid childcare - nursery and the occasional date night with nursery key worker as babysitter. It can be a balancing act at times! But it works for us and everyone is happy including the grandparents and family.

aloris · 28/02/2023 07:15

Same, I feel you. I am mostly through it now, but still at the tail end.

When my children have children, I'll help them, if I'm medically fit enough to do so. Life is so much easier as a parent if you have family support.

Sillyheadoooooo · 28/02/2023 07:19

I really believe the secret to happiness is being content with what you have. Do not focus on the version of what you want and appreciate what you have. Baby will get older and you’ll adapt/adjust…

MamOfFive · 28/02/2023 07:21

Yep, I haven't had a break longer than 7 hours whilst they are at school in 5 years and that was only because I had surgery and was in hospital.
Mil lives down the road and refuses to have them.
My parents live 5 hours away and unfortunately my parents can't drive long distance at the moment due to their own health problems (I can't drive long distance either due to disability) so they can't have them. They do get me to go down with dc and try and give me a break by letting me have a lie in as they know I get exhausted but it's not the same.

I don't even remember what it's like to be without my kids. 😅

bluesuitcase · 28/02/2023 07:30

Same, we live a long way from family so haven’t had any support/ childcare in 10 years. No evenings or meals out as a couple. But I agree with the post above - we’re content with what we have. Others are in a different situation so we don’t compare ourselves.

Newstart2023 · 28/02/2023 07:32

All these saying about nursery workers babysitting - I've worked in them and we weren't 'allowed' to babysit for families from the nursery we were working at. I know some did it on the sly so maybe ask quietly 🤣

Fairyliz · 28/02/2023 07:32

Isn’t this going to become more and more usual as people come from smaller families and move further and further away?
I have DC’s in their 20’s who live 100+ miles away so realistically if they have children I won’t be doing weekly childcare.
Think of the comments I would have received on MN if I had suggested they look for jobs near the family home. I would have be called selfish and unreasonable.

Swiftswatch · 28/02/2023 07:34

@Margo34 (Personally) I wouldn't expect or want my family, esp parents or in-laws, to do childcare for me. I want them to have a grandparent relationship with my DC rather than an in-loco-parentis relationship where they'd have my/our boundaries to follow.

What part of the occasional afternoon babysitting or looking after them while the parents attend a wedding means they would be acting as parents rather than grandparents though? Such an extreme viewpoint.

DashboardConfessional · 28/02/2023 07:38

Swiftswatch · 28/02/2023 07:34

@Margo34 (Personally) I wouldn't expect or want my family, esp parents or in-laws, to do childcare for me. I want them to have a grandparent relationship with my DC rather than an in-loco-parentis relationship where they'd have my/our boundaries to follow.

What part of the occasional afternoon babysitting or looking after them while the parents attend a wedding means they would be acting as parents rather than grandparents though? Such an extreme viewpoint.

Agree! Mine live 200 miles away and in-laws 150 miles away but visit monthly. Nursery is closed due to teacher strikes on Thursday so my parents are having DS 9-4 as they happen to be visiting.

Seems an extreme way to justify grandparents not helping.

milkysmum · 28/02/2023 07:40

I'm a single parent. Mine are quite a bit older now, 14 and 11. I'll be honest I don't think it's unusual not to have family members that can take the kids. I separated from DCs father 5 years ago and haven't had a night without them since.

Margo34 · 28/02/2023 07:40

Not extreme at all! If parents are not there, them someone else is acting in loco parentis. I'd rather that was someone paid to hold boundaries rather than someone choosing not to with no comeuppance.

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