Anyone else have no help with childcare?

[misspiggy23]

Just that really. It's kind of hit me how little help we have and how it's impacting our life. Not that I mind, I love my baby and prefer to be home with her. Dh is great and happily takes the reigns if I want to go out but we can never go out together. Also struggling with work and nursery pick ups.

No family on dh side and only my mum on mine who has made it quite clear she doesn't want to look after dd. Other than the occasional walk in the pushchair she's never had her for more than an hour since she was born. I know this is completely her right but it stings a bit when I was left with my grandparents every weekend as a kid.

Anyone else in the same boat? How do you cope? I suppose I could look into babysitters but it wouldn't feel right leaving her with someone I don't know. I'm only just managing to get my head around nursery and she's been going over a month.

Practically it's tough with all of the running around and not having a break but emotionally I feel quite lonely and trapped too. I'm lucky to have dh, I guess I just wish I had some more family support and that dd had a wider family network wanting to be involved.

Our kids attended two nurseries - one did not allow staff to babysit (though some did on the sly), one was fine with it.

There are also other ways of finding trusted babysitters - we advertised locally when ours were at the first one and got a lovely lady who lived round the corner, worked in a different nursery, we checked her qualifications and phoned her manager for a reference, did a trial session and then she was our regular babysitter for a couple of years until she had her own baby.

It doesn't replace family support but it definitely helps. You don't have to never go out as a couple ever again unless that's what you want.

Occasional babysitting is not going to change the grandparent-grandchild relationship forevermore. The only boundaries are things like not running into the road/doing as they're told, same as with any adult looking after them.

It's one thing if your parents live far away, it can be a tough pill to swallow if they live nearby and won't help.
Mine are like that, the most they will do is pick DD up from school for an hour once a month or so while I finish work.
MIL used to help when DD was little but has told us she doesn't want to anymore. Partner has his own business, school pick ups, drop offs, all appointments and running round for hobbies etc falls to me.
My friends have so much help with childcare. One friend regularly leave their DD with her parents so they can have abroad holidays alone. I'm talking once or twice a year. Another has recently gotten back from LAs Vegas after having a childfree week with her husband whilst her mum looking after their DD.
I wouldn't want to be away from DD for that long, but the odd day here are there would be appreciated.
I pay childcare and have made friends with some women from DDs hobby who will look after her for half a day whilst I work. So grateful.

OP - nursery staff quite often will do babysitting too on the side. Once you're baby is a bit more settled and familiar with the staff maybe ask? They're qualified and will know your baby, so it's a good arrangement all round.

I'm lucky enough to do nightshift
Y youngest just started school so during term time I get a sleep , during holidays I get none. Never had a night away without kids . The people who have childcare on tap often moan about trivial nonsense they do t know how lucky they are . This usually upsets me when I've been away for over 24 hours

Yep, zero help here. Family all hundreds of miles away.
We just cope 🤷🏼‍♀️ Preschool we paid for a private nursery since I went back after Mat Leave and now I work in school hours only. I have a flexible job and don’t work full time, DH not so much, he has the ‘big job’.
We don’t have date nights or lunches out just the two of us but we get by okay, we only have one child which helps and was a conscious decision based on the life we want to provide for them and ourselves.

Jesus! Read the room!

I thought the same 😂
Sounds like she’s half raising the kids personally! I have some extended family members like this. It’s funny - seems to be like if you do a bad job raising your kids you end up raising your grandkids…

I'd say not running in roads is a standard expectation of any small child, regardless of who is doing that childcare, no?

I was thinking of more like car seats perhaps a better example. That can be quite a contentious area when it comes to childcare and boundaries, and weaning depending on the age of the child. Even if childcare for only the occasional times. These boundaries can affect the status quo or relationship between the parent and child's grandparent detrimentally, if not seen with that child/grandparent.

I’m with you OP. I was always being looked after by my grandad, aunties and uncles so that my parents could work/have an afternoon or evening together. No such luck for me, even when I was drowning in PND and just needed a little break from the colic 🤷🏻‍♀️ sticks in my craw a bit but I can’t change it.

My parents are elderly and frail now and so are in laws so we don’t have any help either. It’s tough, really hard at times , especially for your relationship with everything being about the kids and no time for each other. I love my kids to death, but an occasional afternoon without them and a hot lunch would be lovely! It’s tough.

…and paying for child care with the cost of living is not an option for us right now.

We moved away from our parents so knew that we wouldn’t have family nearby to help out with childcare, but of course I didn’t realise (pre-children) how difficult it would be not to have that help.

I would never have expected grandparents to do regular childcare, but can see now how nice it would be to have them nearby to help out occasionally, like when DD was ill and couldn’t go to nursery (not so much an issue now she’s older and we can wfh if she’s ill). Or to do school pick up if I need to stay late at work, that kind of thing. Most people here seem to have family nearby who help out, so we haven’t been able to swop babysitting as is often suggested, because they don’t need help. We both have flexible jobs and decent after school/ holiday childcare, so manage day to day, and book an occasional days leave to leave a day off (together or apart). We’ve never had a night away from DD.

When we do see PIL, they never offer to babysit - we’ve asked twice and while they’ve done it, they seemed reluctant. I was quite hurt by that, especially as BIL and SIL (who live near them) have had plenty of babysitting and childcare over the years. However, PIL now have some health issues so I’d be reluctant to ask now (to be fair, BIL & SIL have been helping them out while they’ve been ill).

I do feel envious of people complaining about parents who help them a lot. One of the school mums often grumbles about her mum and how strict she is with the children, but her mum takes them for every school holiday (including several weeks of the summer holiday) - she actually comes and collects the kids, then brings them back at the end of the holiday. So they never have to pay for holiday childcare, and they get several weeks child free time a year. She doesn’t know how lucky she is!

We were in a babysitting circle where parents babysat for each other and earned points to pay for their own babysitting. We also used to have friends’ children and then they would have our’s. Asking nursery staff is a very good idea.

Same situation here - not got any family who could look after my kids for even an hour.

While we worked, we paid for nursery. There was one point where their key worker also babysat, so we had a few nights out. But having to consider the cost of childcare every time we went out made this a rare occurrence and we tended to go out separately. Basically, it's been 15 years of that and now we're at the point where we can go out again.

I have 3 kids and no family support. You just get on with it between the two of you or use babysitters. We have no intention of using babysitters so we manage accordingly. That means that dh is going to a friends wedding on his own. I could have asked mil but she has never had my 17 month old and would struggle with her, she'd be fine with my other two. When we go out for out anniversary we take the kids with us and have an earlier meal and go to a child friendly place. We do date nights in as ours are in bed by 8pm or when we visit my family (4 hours away) my mum will have the kids so we can go out. She's always happy for us to leave the kids with her so we can pop out to do things.

When the older two were younger mil used to help with two afternoon's a week childcare, picking up kids from nursery. That stopped when fil got ill. With my youngest, dh just compressed his hours and I changed my shifts meaning childcare has not been needed.

It's tough at times but my kids look to me and dh over everyone and as their parents that is not a bad thing. I firmly believe in raising your children yourself and so I don't see it as a hardship. My grandparents whilst lovely only did childcare for my mum if she was in hospital otherwise it was expected that her and my dad crack on. I do get knackered but it was ultimately my choice to have 3 kids and work. I don't expect anyone to take care of them, those that do will accept or use help from grandparents.

When I'm older I'd like to be in the position to help each of my kids out a day a week but I will likely be a granny in my 60s and it will be health dependent. I wouldn't want to do anymore than that as at that point I will have raised mine and made sacrifices (by choice) and then it will be there time to figure things out for themselves.

*their time

I mean, it can if you don't trust your parents and in-laws to follow your instructions which I am guessing you don't? Not really a general observation then, no?

Me, paid for childcare then choose a job that works around school.

None. But I know that I'd feel I'd failed them if I had to rely on my cold ass family, my husband's family live in the 3 hours of travel type scenario and we probably see them twice a year. In my situation I think my children are better off though and when it comes to SEN, noone wants to know you as they assume you'll turn out to be a cf/ assume you're a shit parent. I'm always dumbfounded by the amount of parents who I barely know who ask cheeky favours of me. So I assume the whole support network is just a front. When shit happens funnily enough people can't be trusted, no matter who they are.

Me. No childcare at all apart from that which I pay for. (Parents both dead, siblings live in different towns). I'm a single parent and my partner doesn't live with me. He occasionally babysits and other friends sometimes take her for a couple of hours but its a long way from being default childcare. It is what it is. My DD is 12 now so I can leave her for a couple of hours in the day now but still can't go out at night without paying a fortune.

It was really hard when she was little. The toughest thing was other people not having any idea what a slog it was sorting childcare out. A quick unscheduled drink after work which most people do without giving any thought to was like 3D chess for me. People assumed I was flaky or disorganised because I couldn't snap my fingers and do it.

What I would say though is you have to lose the fear about leaving your kids with people. Find a decent, trustworthy and reliable babysitter. Once you find one they are worth their weight in gold. My DD has been looked after by the same girl since she was four and they've grown up together. I totally trust her and she knows my DD inside out and knows how to care for her. It's a win/win.

You need some time to yourself and if you have to pay for it occasionally so be it.

Jealous are we 😉

I had no help with childcare, my mum or sister babysat about once a year but only if we asked.
We didn't go away as a couple without children for 18 years.
I was worked for myself until youngest started school when I went back to work for an an employer working 3 week days school hours and at worked weekends, which neany we never had a weekend as a family. During school holidays me and DH tag teamed our annual leave and used holiday club one day a week. It was hard if someone was sick.
But it is doable but its a lot easier with family support. It is hard but get used to it and it quickly becomes the norm no regrets having DC. When you become a parent it usually involves sacrifice but some parents have to make more sacrifices than others.

This is the main reason we don't have any kids. Not to be goady. I just mean, I SO understand the struggle.

With 2 working people, commuting a couple of times a week, and on those days leaving the house at 7.50am and getting home at 6.30pm, it just isn't possible. Not without a load of expensive outsourcing, logistical hell or giving up your job (which wouldn't be something I could do, or would want to do).

Friends of ours eventually double up with other parents - so you send your child to their house for a sleep over, and they get to have a night out. Could that be an option down the line OP?

I actually quite like hearing from involved grandparents or people with them, because it is good to have a reminder sometimes of how other people aren't just doing parenting better, but as someone with multiple kids and family overseas, we've got extra challenges.

In my daily life I'm one of the only ones at school who never has GPs or other relatives doing pickup or holiday care, but you come on here and half the world seems to have noone in their lives, often not even good friends - that's not representative, and a balance helps.

I had no help and split with partner when DD was 3 so had to do it myself. I worked full time with a long commute so just made sure she had a great nursery to go to and later a school that offered wraparound care. I couldn't afford babysitters so only ever went out if EX had her - which wasn't a lot. MN was a lifeline to me when DD was young.

I never had grandparents so didn't have any expectations of DDs grandparents. Which was a good job as due to location, age and dementia, there was never going to be any help.

But it all changes... DD a teenager now and I can come and go as I please. It does get better! And I'm proud that I raised her myself.