Page 5 | Dh going out when Dd is ill

Neverendingtories · 2023-02-27T20:36:42+00:00

Dd, 4 has had a high temperature all day and been at home with me. The last time she had a high temp at night, she was almost hallucinating whilst half asleep and said the ceiling was falling in, she was terrified and it was hard to see her like that. I’m in bed with her now in our bed and she’s asleep. Dh has just messaged me (from downstairs so as not to wake her) and ask if he can pop to his friends Aibu to be pissed off?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2023 09:30

Neverendingtories · 28/02/2023 09:26

@Badger1975 Thank you for asking, still
with a high temp but a bit brighter…i’m
shattered as she was awake on and off. I’ve had to miss work too, which also seems to be a given, Dh doesn’t even think to offer to be off and stay with her. She’s ok, hopefully not a similar night tonight, I imagine may have eased a bit now 🙏

My one piece of advice.

Stop waiting for him to offer.

If she'll settle for either of you, say to him "I've had her all day, I need you to take her now", "I didn't get any sleep last night, can you do dinner whilst I get a shower / nap / space". "I don't think she'll be well enough for school tomorrow, can you stay home with her as I did yesterday"

Yeah it would be great if he offered, but by not he can tell himself "well if she wanted more from me she'd say". Don't let him absolve himself.

He might still say no but at least he knows he's letting you down.

Singularity82 · 28/02/2023 09:33

YABU, and precious.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2023 09:34

JennyDarlingRIP · 27/02/2023 22:32

Gosh you'd struggle in this house, DS frequently shouts and talks gibberish in his sleep and if neither of us went out if he was ill I don't think we would've been out since September.
Also at 4 38.8 isn't a terrible fever. It's a temperature due to a virus.
DS had an ear infection a few weeks ago, temperature 39.5-39.8 , I decided to have him in our bed to soothe him, but also for my comfort. I told DH to sleep in the spare room, no use in us both being tired or another warm body in a sweaty bed.

If you've got a child who's been constantly ill for 5 months then it sounds like he has complex health needs, and I think with chronic health conditions (from experience) it's a different mindset. The threshold for when it's OK to leave them is different.
Even with that tho, I'd say hallucinating night terrors (which isn't the same as talking in your sleep) qualifies as both being at home. Clearly she was ok the night before and op thinks she'll be fine tonight. It's one night of putting Dad duty first.

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 09:38

Singularity82 · 28/02/2023 09:33

YABU, and precious.

And you're being a martyr, and rude.

jannier · 28/02/2023 09:39

What will you do when it's something serious? Children always have temperatures as they get nearer to 5 their bodies self regulated so risk of fits reduce. Have you asked oh to take a turn sitting with her and he's said no?

JennyDarlingRIP · 28/02/2023 09:39

@SleepingStandingUp no chronic health conditions, just the usual nursery germ warfare, we've had tonsillitis (twice), ear infection, a nasty cough, Covid and some general colds. DS often gets a high temp when unwell. I've been out, DH has been out, DS has been fine being looked after by one parent.

Ladybug14 · 28/02/2023 09:40

@NNeverendingtories - I think the problem for me is that you don't communicate with your husband

If you're scared and want himnearby as that gives you confidence, tell him

If you'd occasionally like him to take a day off work when DC is poorly so YOU can go to work, tell him

Talk it through with him

jannier · 28/02/2023 09:41

Neverendingtories · 27/02/2023 21:08

@Fellsidefeather Her temp is 38.8, I’ve given medicine. She was talking gibberish and not with it at all, she was trying to go downstairs and really scared. For this I need him with me, it’s frightening

She's better not cuddled up in bed did you opened windows cool room and give ibuprofen? Was OH aware she was delerious

Singularity82 · 28/02/2023 09:45

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 09:38

And you're being a martyr, and rude.

Show quote history

How am I being a martyr? Do you understand what that word means?

saltwater1985 · 28/02/2023 09:47

Sounds like you should leave him to take care of DD and you pop out and get a breath of fresh air if you're struggling like this.

Also- give ibuprofen rather than calpol as it has a better efficacy in reducing fever in children.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2023 09:48

jannier · 28/02/2023 09:39

What will you do when it's something serious? Children always have temperatures as they get nearer to 5 their bodies self regulated so risk of fits reduce. Have you asked oh to take a turn sitting with her and he's said no?

Plenty of fevers here, never had a fit or hallucinations. Op isn't saying she wanted support for 38.8 but for what it brings.

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 09:48

How am I being a martyr? Do you understand what that word means?

Of course I do. The narrative of "I'm physically capable of doing this so I must not feel I'd prefer help and anybody who does is precious and deserves derision" is so unpleasant and unhealthy.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2023 09:50

JennyDarlingRIP · 28/02/2023 09:39

@SleepingStandingUp no chronic health conditions, just the usual nursery germ warfare, we've had tonsillitis (twice), ear infection, a nasty cough, Covid and some general colds. DS often gets a high temp when unwell. I've been out, DH has been out, DS has been fine being looked after by one parent.

So plenty of time when he wasn't ill or when he was ill but not I na way that worries you. It worries OP when her daughter starts hallucinating. She's not saying he must stay every time she sneezes but when it's the one thing that freaks her out.

Blueyandbingooo · 28/02/2023 09:59

He isn't a mind reader, you acknowledge you aren't great in these situations and so it's very possible he views it as she's fine, she's asleep so may as well pop out. If you said to him I really need your support with this then presumably he'd stay as he did come home when you rang him?

booboo82 · 28/02/2023 10:15

Uh this shit is boring now 🤦‍♀️ she's in bed with you asleep, your husband is on his own downstairs anyway so why can't he pop out? It really doesn't take 2 people to look after one sleeping child lol

Original poster

Neverendingtories · 28/02/2023 10:43

@booboo82 How rude are you?

OP posts:

newjobnewstartihope · 28/02/2023 13:42

CorpusCallosum · 27/02/2023 20:45

YANBU

I'd expect him to stay home for moral and practical support. 4 is tiny, you've been dealing with this all day and sounds like you have a night ahead too. No, it doesn't take 2 but why isn't it him for a bit to give you a break?? If DD won't have him then why is that; is it because he checks out of parenting on a regular basis 🤔

Moral support?
Jesus Christ honestly some parents deal with severely disabled/life limited kids alone
Yet others need moral support for normal childhood illness

Crunchingleaf · 28/02/2023 13:51

Neverendingtories · 28/02/2023 09:26

@Badger1975 Thank you for asking, still
with a high temp but a bit brighter…i’m
shattered as she was awake on and off. I’ve had to miss work too, which also seems to be a given, Dh doesn’t even think to offer to be off and stay with her. She’s ok, hopefully not a similar night tonight, I imagine may have eased a bit now 🙏

I would definitely ask him to take day off next time. You are partners after all so it should be no problem to him.

donttellmehesalive · 28/02/2023 14:05

It wouldn't have bothered me. He was downstairs anyway and only popped out to a friend's house. He came back when you needed him and rang.

If dp was upstairs with poorly dc and I said I was popping to see a friend but would keep my phone on, I don't think he'd mind at all.

But I don't like the fact that your dh assumes that you will take time off work when she is ill.

newjobnewstartihope · 28/02/2023 14:22

Come on why would he need to be off work?

5128gap · 28/02/2023 14:39

Obviously it's possible for one parent to cope with a sick child. But it's hardly desirable is it when there's two of you?
Looking after a sick child with another adult there is is easier by far. Someone to stay with them while you have a break, to take turns fetching and carrying, to keep you company in an otherwise pretty miserable time.
I can never understand people who make martyrs of themselves rather than inconvenience their husbands even slightly. Much less trying to shame those who don't by implying they're somehow feeble or incompetent for wanting a little solidarity and sharing of the load.

newjobnewstartihope · 28/02/2023 17:40

5128gap · 28/02/2023 14:39

Obviously it's possible for one parent to cope with a sick child. But it's hardly desirable is it when there's two of you?
Looking after a sick child with another adult there is is easier by far. Someone to stay with them while you have a break, to take turns fetching and carrying, to keep you company in an otherwise pretty miserable time.
I can never understand people who make martyrs of themselves rather than inconvenience their husbands even slightly. Much less trying to shame those who don't by implying they're somehow feeble or incompetent for wanting a little solidarity and sharing of the load.

Sharing the load of a child with a mild temperature?
Good grief it's a good job some of you don't have disabled children you'd never survive

OutOfThisState · 28/02/2023 17:57

newjobnewstartihope · 28/02/2023 14:22

Come on why would he need to be off work?

Erm....To take his turn looking after his child!

OP has said it seems to be taken for granted that she is the one to miss work when their child is sick. Maybe you are one of those people that think children are womens/wife work? And that the mans job is more important? Fuck that.

IamnotSethRogan · 28/02/2023 18:05

Well giving him the benefit of the doubt, if he was sat alone down stairs and thought DC was sleeping and you were with her, and someone invited him around or whatever, it's not too bad. Especially as he came back as soon as you said you needed him.

I mean I likely wouldn't have even asked my DP if he was upstairs with DC I'd have let him know I was leaving and said let me know if you need anything, then gone.

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 18:16

Sharing the load of a child with a mild temperature?
Good grief it's a good job some of you don't have disabled children you'd never survive

You could not have missed the point of that comment more spectacularly.