Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh going out when Dd is ill

136 replies

Neverendingtories · 27/02/2023 20:36

Dd, 4 has had a high temperature all day and been at home with me. The last time she had a high temp at night, she was almost hallucinating whilst half asleep and said the ceiling was falling in, she was terrified and it was hard to see her like that.
I’m in bed with her now in our bed and she’s asleep.
Dh has just messaged me (from downstairs so as not to wake her) and ask if he can pop to his friends
Aibu to be pissed off?

OP posts:
BloodyThursday · 27/02/2023 22:27

Bring your DC in your bed for the night and tell him to sleep on the sofa. They will sleep better with you.

UsingChangeofName · 27/02/2023 22:28

There's a slight difference between having to go to work and choosing to go on a last minute night out with a friend though.

He's not going on a night out though - you are making things up here.

'Pop to his friend's' could be to do something it was easier to do in person, but could just as easily be going to borrow something, and being back in 10mins (as it seems he was). There is no suggestion he is going out on the lash.

Deadringer · 27/02/2023 22:29

I think it's a bit mean of him to go out when you have been stuck with a sick child all day, even if you don't actually need help, she is his responsibility as much as yours. If it was a special occasion or a prearranged night out it would be different imo. It seems a bit unfair that he can just piss off out and you can't.

LicketySquid · 27/02/2023 22:31

Don't worry Op, there are no prizes given for the 'strongest' parent. It's okay if you need your husband there. Some people would be fine with it, doesn't mean you have to be

JennyDarlingRIP · 27/02/2023 22:32

Gosh you'd struggle in this house, DS frequently shouts and talks gibberish in his sleep and if neither of us went out if he was ill I don't think we would've been out since September.
Also at 4 38.8 isn't a terrible fever. It's a temperature due to a virus.
DS had an ear infection a few weeks ago, temperature 39.5-39.8 , I decided to have him in our bed to soothe him, but also for my comfort. I told DH to sleep in the spare room, no use in us both being tired or another warm body in a sweaty bed.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 27/02/2023 22:33

My DD suffered with night terrors when she was younger and she was so distressed and they weren't nice to see. If coupled with a temperature they were much worse so I feel for you OP.

ToLongToCharge · 27/02/2023 22:35

Give meds, Calpol
If temperature still high, then you give Nurofen
If you already know she will be like this with a temperature, as some children are
You prepare with very light clothing, light bedding and topped up with meds

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 27/02/2023 22:37

Neverendingtories · 27/02/2023 22:13

@Hbh17 I basically do most things and don’t rely much on him, but I admit I’m not great in this situation, I do find it distressing and can’t always keep calm…in everything else I don’t need him around
Perhaps it’s just me being over the top then judging by most responses, I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️
It happened again before, he was able to see what I meant and did look worried whilst she was in the zone, but was able to calm her and know how to cope better than me, I admit it. With other things I’d say I’m much better equipped. Of course I *Can deal with this alone and would if I had to, I just think it’s wrong to bugger off out spur of the moment in this situation

I think that's fair enough, but... he asked you first! You had your opportunity to tell him that you didn't feel comfortable on your own, but you didn't take it.

Instead you waited until he'd been gone only a few minutes, then called him back.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2023 22:41

UsingChangeofName · 27/02/2023 22:28

There's a slight difference between having to go to work and choosing to go on a last minute night out with a friend though.

He's not going on a night out though - you are making things up here.

'Pop to his friend's' could be to do something it was easier to do in person, but could just as easily be going to borrow something, and being back in 10mins (as it seems he was). There is no suggestion he is going out on the lash.

No - you're the one assuming that night out means alcohol and going "out on the lash".

It clearly wasn't urgent given that he came back as soon as OP rang, so maybe he could have just stayed home and looked after his sick daughter and given his partner a break 🤷🏻‍♀️

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 23:04

I, personally, wouldn’t have been bothered but that’s just me. In our house, ‘pop to a friends’ would translate to ‘run a dungeon or two on WoW’ but it’s much the same thing (when the door‘s closed and the noise cancelling headphones are on with his guild in his ears, our house and everything in it ceases to exist).

As long as he drops everything and comes home when called, then I don’t think you have a case to be annoyed a him though. I don’t think you should both be held hostage every time your girl’s running a slight fever. But next time, maybe he stays with her and you pop out 😁

NorahC · 27/02/2023 23:12

Truly, what is the point of posting on here about this? How are a bunch of strangers going to solve this for you? You need to use your words and express your need to your husband, not quietly seethe and post to mumsnet.

If you want him to do something, you need to express that, not stew resentfully that he hasn't guessed your thoughts. He even asked you!

As the grown-up, you need to try and regulate your anxiety a bit more for your daughter. Your husband manages to calm her down exactly because he's not freaking out. Try the same, rather than finding another reason why you should be freaking out.

Bunnyfuller · 27/02/2023 23:13

Firstborn, op?

Jooliusreezer · 27/02/2023 23:15

My toddler is prone to 40+ fevers and fits. 41.2 is the record. The first seizure was pretty scary and we wound up in an ambulance. Now I’m quite blasé. It tends to only happen once an illness. It’s nice to have spousal support when it happens but not really essential. He’s the panicker, not me.

GlassBunion · 27/02/2023 23:43

It'll be fine, honestly.

Johnisafckface · 28/02/2023 00:20

I would only be annoyed because I’d had dealt with it all day and would feel it’s his turn to take care of her. I’d need a break.

Original poster
Neverendingtories · 28/02/2023 09:08

@Bunnyfuller First and only, I can’t have more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverendingtories · 28/02/2023 09:10

@Johnisafckface Well, there’s that aswell

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 09:11

Bunnyfuller · 27/02/2023 23:13

Firstborn, op?

I hate these snide comments. Plenty of mothers of multiple children would feel the same - I would.

Original poster
Neverendingtories · 28/02/2023 09:13

@aSofaNearYou Not nice is it 😕

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2023 09:13

Neverendingtories · 27/02/2023 21:23

@AnneLovesGilbert Because of her reaction when she hallucinates etc

I'm late to the party but I'm with you. If DS had hallucinating night terrors I'd want someone else with me. Someone to do a calpol run so I don't have to leave her alone. Someone to help change bed sheets if she's sick so I don't have to put her down. DH and I have always dealt with that stuff together cos it's just easier if one person can sit and hold the child rather than putting a hysterical kid down.

I'd have replied "prefer you not too in case she gets worse" and he'd have stayed.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2023 09:13

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 09:11

I hate these snide comments. Plenty of mothers of multiple children would feel the same - I would.

Show quote history

Oh and I have 3 so time and practice not PFB

Badger1975 · 28/02/2023 09:19

How is she today OP?

I'd be exactly the same as you that sounds frightening, sometimes just having the other parent there for back up is more help than people realise and can stop you panicking. I know some people have to do it alone but that doesn't excuse a parent of their responsibilities just because some people don't have the support.

Original poster
Neverendingtories · 28/02/2023 09:26

@Badger1975 Thank you for asking, still
with a high temp but a bit brighter…i’m
shattered as she was awake on and off. I’ve had to miss work too, which also seems to be a given, Dh doesn’t even think to offer to be off and stay with her. She’s ok, hopefully not a similar night tonight, I imagine may have eased a bit now 🙏

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 09:27

@SleepingStandingUp Exactly. If you CAN both be at home it just makes looking after an ill child much easier and less stressful. It's not a time I would be making plans if I didn't already have them, and that's not a sign of weakness.

OutOfThisState · 28/02/2023 09:30

CaffeineAndCrochet · 27/02/2023 21:27

I don't agree with most of the responses here. If DH disappeared off with his friends on what sounds like a spur of the moment thing, leaving me to look after a sick child, I wouldn't be impressed. And frankly, it wouldn't occur to him to do so either.

I agree.

To just decide to go out when your child is poorly and needing care and attention, seems quite uncaring for your child and partner. It’s not something either of us would do. When your child is like that and you’re worrying, an extra pair of hands and a bit of reassurance from your partner is nice.