Page 3 | Dh going out when Dd is ill

Sugarfish · 27/02/2023 21:23

The op is scared to handle this by herself, her partner should do the decent thing and support her. If you’re raising a child as a team then be a team player! He can see his mates anytime. The op can probably handle this by herself really but why should she have to when he’s around. Why does it always fall on the woman?

TheChosenTwo · 27/02/2023 21:24

Sorry but this doesn’t really sound like a 2 person job to me. It also doesn’t sound scary. She has a slight temperature and is talking a bit of nonsense and she herself is scared.
But I’m failing to understand why you feel it needs two of you to deal with this one child with a bit of a temperature. Unless you also have 3 day old twins and recovering from a c-section that you haven’t mentioned!
Hope she gets better soon, I’d have left dh to deal with one poorly child to just pop out and vice versa. It sounds like you’re blowing this up into a bigger deal than it really is.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 27/02/2023 21:27

I don't agree with most of the responses here. If DH disappeared off with his friends on what sounds like a spur of the moment thing, leaving me to look after a sick child, I wouldn't be impressed. And frankly, it wouldn't occur to him to do so either.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2023 21:28

Yeah, I still don’t get it, sorry. Why do you need him there to calm her down? You were able to stop for long enough to message him, it can’t have been that terrifying.

Would he be able to deal with it alone or do you really think it’s a two person job?

Original poster

Neverendingtories · 27/02/2023 21:29

@CaffeineAndCrochet Exactly, that’s how I feel, it was spur of the moment..just not something I’d even think to do at all

OP posts:

Preeeettyprettygood · 27/02/2023 21:31

I understand where you are coming from and it is scary, but my opinion as a single mother is I would just have to crack on. If I needed his dad I know he would be there if he could but I have no other option but to deal with it myself.

Hugs though OP x

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2023 21:33

CaffeineAndCrochet · 27/02/2023 21:27

I don't agree with most of the responses here. If DH disappeared off with his friends on what sounds like a spur of the moment thing, leaving me to look after a sick child, I wouldn't be impressed. And frankly, it wouldn't occur to him to do so either.

What do you mean by looking after a sick child though? I’ve been doing that all day. She’s coughed, streamed, temp been up and down, she’s cried and whined, napped, I’ve read to her, cuddled her, comforted her. She’s had calpol and antibiotics once we got them and she’ll hopefully be on the mend in a few days. These things happen. We’re all fucking tired, it’s been bug after bug back to back for the last 4 months including noro and two chest infections. If both of us downed tools or refused to go out every time DD or the other was ill we’d literally not have left the house, done any work or been able to pay our bills.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 27/02/2023 21:34

CaffeineAndCrochet · 27/02/2023 21:27

I don't agree with most of the responses here. If DH disappeared off with his friends on what sounds like a spur of the moment thing, leaving me to look after a sick child, I wouldn't be impressed. And frankly, it wouldn't occur to him to do so either.

He popped out and was back as soon as the op called. He didn't go out on the lash.

steff13 · 27/02/2023 21:34

She was sleeping when he left, thus not requiring his presence, and he readily returned when you asked him to. I can't see that he's done anything wrong.

saraclara · 27/02/2023 21:36

Sorry, but you're being unreasonable. Lots of people are single parents, lots of people have DPs who work in the evening. You could easily reach him if you needed him, but there was no reason at all why he should have to sit downstairs to no purpose when your child has a mild temp

It's an unusual reaction, but I had a child who had night terrors and another who was a breath holder if she was hurt. It's disconcerting but you just get on with it. And at least you could call and he'd be with you.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2023 21:40

I don't get the Single Parent argument. They OP isn't single.

Even if she just had to stay with her DD it would be nice to have another adult to call on and the child's reactions ARE scary.

Unless it was a desperate errand I think he could have stayed

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2023 21:46

I didn’t reply that he could go I didn’t say anything

So why are you so pissed off at him? Is he supposed to read your mind? He texted you rather than disturb you as he probably assumed you'd just got DD settled.

Or does he often disappear off on the lash?

Why are you so cross with him? What do you actually expect him to do other than sit downstairs and scroll through his phone?

LavenderHillMob · 27/02/2023 21:47

Neverendingtories · 27/02/2023 20:36

Dd, 4 has had a high temperature all day and been at home with me. The last time she had a high temp at night, she was almost hallucinating whilst half asleep and said the ceiling was falling in, she was terrified and it was hard to see her like that.
I’m in bed with her now in our bed and she’s asleep.
Dh has just messaged me (from downstairs so as not to wake her) and ask if he can pop to his friends
Aibu to be pissed off?

Sorry to hear your little one is unwell, but if she has a temperature she will be cooler in bed by herself.

Give her calpol and cover her with a light blanket if you can rather than a duvet. Let her know you will sit near by, but won't stay in bed with her so that she can get better.

Only you know if your DH is being unreasonable.

Crunchingleaf · 27/02/2023 21:48

How many mothers would pop out to a friend’s house if their DC was at home sick even if it’s only a temperature. Very, very few. But according to most of the posts here is totally fine thing to do. Yeah it’s only a bit of a fever, but it’s actually exhausting being with a sick child all day. Also it’s quite common for children to wake up often during night when unwell and need extra TLC to get them back asleep and maybe more calpol.
I would expect my DH to take over with DC for awhile to give me a break if I had been with a sick child all day. It’s possible to mind the child alone but some people expect their spouse to be an equal parent and partner.

Maray1967 · 27/02/2023 21:50

CaffeineAndCrochet · 27/02/2023 21:27

I don't agree with most of the responses here. If DH disappeared off with his friends on what sounds like a spur of the moment thing, leaving me to look after a sick child, I wouldn't be impressed. And frankly, it wouldn't occur to him to do so either.

There’s no way mine would pop out to see a friend in this situation either.
If it was a big event eg concert booked months ago, fair though, I’d manage. But just popping round to a mate’s? Hell no.

Anywherebuthere · 27/02/2023 21:53

38.8 is barely a high temp but I can see why you would be worried and scared of the hallucinations if its the first time she's experienced this.

Your DH isnt wrong for going out, as long as he can get back asap if necessary but if you didnt want him to go out why didnt you just say why you wanted him to stay with you?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2023 21:54

If both of us downed tools or refused to go out every time DD or the other was ill we’d literally not have left the house, done any work or been able to pay our bills.

There's a slight difference between having to go to work and choosing to go on a last minute night out with a friend though.

The former is unavoidable - the latter is just selfish, especially when you have a sick child at home and your partner has been with them all day.

OP - I don't think YABU and I'm genuinely surprised by some of the comments here.

Oohhhh · 27/02/2023 21:54

I didn’t reply that he could go

Imagine thinking you have a right to tell a grown adult that they can or can't go out. Some people are so controlling.

saraclara · 27/02/2023 21:57

He messaged you and you didn't reply? Why didn't you just text "I'm a bit concerned about her, so if you could stick around I'd appreciate it"?

It almost seems as though you were setting him up to fail by passivea aggressively ignoring his text.

User3456 · 27/02/2023 22:00

I think he should stay home and support you. But in honesty I think it's inconsiderate of him to go anyway for something nonessential, in terms of spreading illnesses around. Soo many bugs doing the rounds and illnesses being passed on unnecessarily, causing stress and inconvenience to others. Hope he's not infectious himself and doesn't pass anything onto his friends. I wouldn't want to socialise with someone who has a household member at home with a temperature.
Hope your little one is feeling better soon 💐

Hbh17 · 27/02/2023 22:00

Well, of course he doesn't need permission to go out!
But it is sensible for you to learn how to deal with an unwell child on your own. What would you do if he was in the army or on an oil rig? What would you do if the two of you split up? What would you do if he died? Might be unlikely, but these things happen and so any adult should be prepared to function entirely on their own, and not to be too reliant on a partner - it's just sensible.

Original poster

Neverendingtories · 27/02/2023 22:13

@Hbh17 I basically do most things and don’t rely much on him, but I admit I’m not great in this situation, I do find it distressing and can’t always keep calm…in everything else I don’t need him around
Perhaps it’s just me being over the top then judging by most responses, I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️
It happened again before, he was able to see what I meant and did look worried whilst she was in the zone, but was able to calm her and know how to cope better than me, I admit it. With other things I’d say I’m much better equipped. Of course I *Can deal with this alone and would if I had to, I just think it’s wrong to bugger off out spur of the moment in this situation

OP posts:

Tomatotomatopotatopotato · 27/02/2023 22:22

You said she was asleep when he messaged to say he was popping out to a friend's place. How was he to know she'd wake up in that state? He came back immediately. Why are you so angry at him, it's like you're looking for a reason to find fault with him.

Sendhelp2021 · 27/02/2023 22:24

People are getting a little mean I think.
Some people cope better in situations like this than others. I’d be the same as you OP. Sometimes when someone else is there it’s a bit more reassuring and can half the panic. YANBU. I’m sure he can catch up with his mate again one day this week. If it was a bday/planned event then fair enough.

Emmamoo89 · 27/02/2023 22:25

Yabu