How do you not get offended by school cliques?

[Purpleicing]

Could do with some advice to stop my confidence being more battered

4 years into school - son now year 3 - a once friendly group of mums in the class has developed into "the trendy confident ones" and "the rest of us"

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This in itself is just normal life I know, but what has riled me is that it doesn't stop them using the less trendy ones who don't get invited to play.

Specifically, we have a park holiday home which I have let a few people use for nothing or v little in past when everyone was more friendly across the whole class (think £20 for a long weekend) . Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already.

Other mums outside the clique I know do their fair share of help with after school pick ups and childcare

I'm also in an "approved profession" job and three times this week people have asked me for either legal advice or can you approve the passports (on my fifth lot of passport approval or 'can you sign my mortgage application' this month!)

My confidence is already battered, aibu to think jog on and find someone else to sign your bloody passports?

@Thisismeyeah

Of course but this is nothing to do with what people post on social media. It's about the OP being envious of not being part of a particular friendship group and posting nasty, petty comments about what she speculates their motives are and being generally nasty about them.

'No' is absolutely a complete sentence when using your holiday home or legal advice. I wouldn't be allowing that.

The original post clearly states about social media

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This

@Thisismeyeah

You only have the OP's word as to why these people these people have invited certain children and not others. The OP clearly has a very biased take on this so I'd take this with a truckload of salt, personally.

We have absolutely no way of knowing what their motives are. It could possibly be that they go about seeking to systematically exclude "the fat, the old, or the anxious", but far more likely in my view is that they just make friends with other people who they like or parents of people their children like. As is their right. Or possibly that they are turned off by the paranoia and entitlement which the OP has displayed.

And, by the way, if they are really are nasty enough to be deliberately excluding people who they don't think fit in (and I'd bet good money they aren't), petty little gestures of one-upmanship such as refusing to sign passport forms for them won't touch the sides. All they will achieve is fuelling the OP's self-indulgent paranoia.

I'm not being nasty: I feel quite strongly about this. Women sometimes are their own worst enemies with this sort of "school gate mum" nonsense. The more people fuel this paranoia the worse it gets.

Be wary of mums being over friendly too quick . I got caught like that , play dates etc and ended up taking her son to school with mine . She just never bothered after that just dropped him off every morning and I never heard from her again . She was never interested in making friends . Just keep your distance and go under the radar .

There is no deliberate exclusion. It’s so odd to think there is

School class of 30 kids. 8 mums get friendly and socialise. Invite is not extended to remaining 22 mothers. This is not exclusion. It would be batshit to a;ways have to invite everyone.

of course these women are permitted to form friendships and socialise together. Of course they do not, and arguably should not be forced to invite all other mothers ,or even fathers.

im honestly astounded that anyone can look at a group of friends and decide that as your child is in the same class then if they don’t invite everyone else it’s deliberate exclusion. It’s not. No more than going to a restaurant and not inviting everyone else there to join your table is. No more than two kids having a sleep over and not inviting the other 28 kids. No more than a kid having a birthday party for 10 kids and not inviting the other 20.

people are allowed to form friendships and socialise together.

however I suspect those saying deliberate exclusion don’t mean everyone should be invited. They don’t care about everyone else. What they mean is they personally should be invited.

I don't think it sounds like they've done anything wrong, they're just friends with each other. Nothing wrong with that, I'm sure you have friends too!

I avoid all this by mostly not dropping off or picking up my kids! And when I do, I do what the sensible people (usually dads, I hate to say) do - I stand at the back and wait for the doors to open, then send in/pick up, and go straight home. I don't chat to anyone, I'm usually looking at my phone.

Be more dad, just drop off and pick up, that's what you're there for.

The problem isn't not being "best buddies" per se, it's when the exclusion/cliqueness is extended to the children as well as the adults. Happily, there are lots of friendly mums at my son's school but it would make me sad if he wasn't getting invitations or to spend time with friends out-of-school because my face didn't fit.

School is very much a social life for the children in the class - often it is their only social life and hugely important for their development.

And along comes a group of mums who, because they tend to only invite their friends DC children to playdates etc, blocks off a whole group of children in the class from developing friendships with other children.

This is particularly hard when two children do become friendly at school but the mother of one child repeatedly refuses to engage with the parent of the other and essentially blocks the development of the friendship, leaving the excluded child (and their mum, until she finally figures it out) to wonder what they have done wrong.

It happens. I’ve seen it. I’ve heard many people talk about it, including the teachers. It’s so divisive and prevents the class - especially a smaller class - from bonding and becoming a friendly and supportive community.

Be friends with whoever you want to, ladies. But do try to keep it away from the playground.

I agree 100%. I will always try to arrange playdates/meet-ups with any child my child is friendly with, even if I'm secretly thinking "urghh" at the thought of having to interact with the relevant adults for an hour or so.

@Nooyoiknooyoik

School is very much a social life for the children in the class - often it is their only social life and hugely important for their development.
And along comes a group of mums who, because they tend to only invite their friends DC children to playdates etc, blocks off a whole group of children in the class from developing friendships with other children.

What are you actually proposing though in practical terms? Do you think mothers should only socialise with all other mothers in the class or none?

How do you think that would work? Your kid comes home from school one day saying "I'd like to invite Tommy around to play football next weekend." Fine. Tommy comes around to play football and you discover that you like Tommy's mum when she comes to pick up. You have a quick cup of tea and a chat and turns out you work in a similar field of work and you have a laugh together. Turns out your husbands also slightly know each other through work.

Tommy's mum proposes going for a drink two Fridays hence with another school mum friend who you slightly know. Do you then say: "No, that wouldn't be fair because I'd also have to invite (insert the names of the parents of every other child in class 3b including the 13 or so who you've never met)".

Get real. Life isn't like that.

Where there's drama and comparison, there's social media. It's not a radical suggestion to just get off social media.

I personally couldn't stand to be part of one of these friendship groups where its generally entirely a social media performance. Almost some weird self congratlation about being the same 'type' of parent. I would think I'd had a lucky escape!

Just mute them on social media and be cordial in the playground. I’d do the passports but not the holiday home thing.

Can you not organise a day out with some of the other "less trendy" mums?

Song quote "Its time to check my social media to see who loves me online"

Sums it up

They're a group of close friends. You can't make them be friends with everyone. They attract similar minded people, they cannot help that. The caravan thing is kind of your fault. Why on earth would you let it out to anyone who asks, for £20. Do not allow yourself to be used in this way. Either start charging £50 per night, or say I'm not hiring it out anymore.

It’s really simple...

Stip looking at their social media profiles.

Say NO to their holiday requests. IF you feel you need to give a reason simply say either it’s in use those dates/it’s closed this year we’re moving it/family are using it.

Be unavailable for advice etc, simply say you’re sorry but you don’t have time atm.

And STOP viewing these mums as something special!! Ypu’re not at school! There’s no such thing as a ‘trendy group of mums’. YOU are putting them in that category!

Arrange your own brunch/play dates/days out with other mums.

I think the issue is that OP thought a closer friendship existed with these DMs because of the holiday caravan usage.

I do think it's totally CF to ask for someone's holiday home for free as a friend if you're not close enough to go for an evening out with.

Parents meeting quietly for coffees or dinners outside of school - great! Good for them! It doesn’t impact upon the school community. And in particular, none of the children gets to feel that they’re being left out of a larger group from day one.

If the adults keep their friendships away from the playground, as they should, how on earth would the other parents know or care?

But I think we know that what’s being talked about here is much more performative. Groups gathering in the playground every day while other parents stand alone. Children never being invited to their friends houses and having their own invitations turned down.

Like I said - keep it out of the playground. Problem solved for everyone.

It really doesn’t, and only a minority complain. In fact it sounds the opposite

Because you said so? I think calling other mums 'randoms' sounds quite guarded and unfriendly, and the sarcasm that op doesn't know what friendship is and implying she's miserable a bit much. She just made an anonymous post venting, it's unnecessary.

She is unreasonable, but she clearly feels left out and envious. Maybe she lacks support from family/friends and it's upsetting. The last thing anyone needs is a post rubbing it in. It's unreasonable but still understandable, there's no need to be rude about it.

rookiemere but a lot of people would have the front to ask.

I was friendly with a mum for two years and then she moved on to other mums and now we barely speak. I would always give her child a lift home once a week to save her doing pick up. She still texts me every Wednesday with a “Hi Please drop xx home after school today”. It’s now blatant CF so I’ve put a stop to it and said I can’t do it anymore as we don’t go straight home on a Wednesday.

@Nooyoiknooyoik

Standing and talking to other mums in the playground at school pick up is "performative"?

I honestly don't understand how people are expected to function in this paranoid worldview. You're not allowed to make any friendships at all with other mums unless you "keep it out of the playground"... so you're not allowed to be seen speaking to other mums unless you're speaking to all of them at one go. It's properly batshit.

Always think it’s a bit unfair to call people who have become friends (and some have become very good friends), ‘cliques’.

People make friends everywhere, only at school does it seem
to take on another dimension. People make friends with people they gel with, are likeminded with, whatever. You don’t have to be BFF’s with everyone in your kids class (especially if you’ve got more than one at school).

People shouldn’t take this piss asking for holiday homes though. I sign passports for loads of people, I can’t get upset about that.

Pretty much, yes.

Say hello to whoever you see at the gate whose child you know plays with yours.

It’s not hard.