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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To post lingerie shots on my social media..

953 replies

Junglejane8 · 26/02/2023 22:35

Right here me out here..
Long term lacking in body confidence. Have never felt very beautiful or feminine. I've been working on my self-esteem recently and a friend who is a photographer treated me to a burlesque shoot. She said it would be a very empowering thing to do, and it was. I actually felt sexy and beautiful and powerful.
The pictures have come through and I'm so happy with them. I want to post them on my social media but am worried that it will come off as vain, desperate, attention seeking etc.
There is lots of crap on social media but then I think of some of the women I follow who post lingerie / swimwear images and I don't judge them at all. I think they are beautiful and confident. I want to do that too.
Or is it vacuous and shameful?

OP posts:
DustbinDimberflake · 27/02/2023 06:03

It's a male gaze thing. No matter how anyone tries to frame it as a feminist thing. It isn't. Until men go and have photos taken of themselves in their undies or in bondage gear, flinging themselves round a pole or draped upside down on a bed or arse up with a riding crop in their mouths, and typically share to social media, it will be catering to the male gaze. Most women don't typically find burlesque or boudoir photos of their mates attractive and think it sends some sort of signal as to what kind of sexual partner they are. Men do. Those pictures aren't posed to empower women. They're posed to arouse men. You like the photos because you feel sexy and beautiful in them. Good! But it doesn't take away from the fact that they're designed to titillate and that the audience is meant to be male.

In the nicest possible way, you won't be gaining female cheerleaders, but you will probably be perved on by male friends and relatives and judged by a fair scattering.

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/02/2023 06:04

You'll regret it. Massively. I know two women that did this. Everyone thought it was weird and tacky. Other people really don't want to see lingerie shots of their colleague/daughter/sister/niece/friend etc.

Even when one of them was a very dear friend, we all though oh god why?! Why would you post those photos.

Oblomov23 · 27/02/2023 06:06

Don't do this. Send a couple of the pictures to 2 close friends, with instruction that this is for them only not to be shown to anyone else. And be happy with that. Don't do FB, it's too public, even with good privacy settings.

Goatinthegarden · 27/02/2023 06:06

I’m used to seeing a wide range of bodies now on Instagram and have zero interest in them. If I didn’t know you, I’d just scroll past and barely register it.

I sort of understand why you want to post photos that you’re proud of, but I don’t know if anyone else would really care. I sometimes like photos that friends put up when I have no real interest in them, but can see they’ve posted for ‘likes’. I just do it because I think it’ll make them feel better. It’s all a bit hollow.

Show the photos to a few supportive pals and have a chat about them. Don’t put them out for the whole world to judge.

torquewench · 27/02/2023 06:12

Are you new to social media or something? It's a terrible idea for many reasons. Absolutely none of your FB friends want (or need, for that matter) to see you in your undies.

Having said that, you might want to consider putting them on OF where at least you'll get paid for showing them off 😉

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 06:17

Self esteem is never to be found in underwear.

Beezknees · 27/02/2023 06:19

Do what you want. It's your social media. Just naybe consider if potential employers might see it.

DustbinDimberflake · 27/02/2023 06:19

Also, my stepmum had these taken years ago. One of them was her just wrapped in a feather boa that was covering her nipples and vaj. She had it blown up, framed and hung in the living room, which was about as close to making it your profile picture as you could do back then. Visitors were visibly awkward and uncomfortable about it. She would even see them trying not to look at it and then she'd reach onto the sideboard for the little leather album that they were all in and flip through it showing them ones of her arse in a G string and thigh high boots etc.

She was about 33 then and it was PEAK LEVEL CRINGE. It's exactly what you're planning to do, except rather than leaving people to only see it if they come to your house, you're forcing it into theirs.

Please don't do it. Regardless of how good you look. It won't raise you in anyones estimation.

Endlesssummer2022 · 27/02/2023 06:19

If it was truly empowering, people with actual power world be doing it. Somehow I can’t see Rishi and Boris agreeing to be photographed in silk boxers, legs akimbo, on the front page of the DM.

Moser85 · 27/02/2023 06:21

DustbinDimberflake · 27/02/2023 06:03

It's a male gaze thing. No matter how anyone tries to frame it as a feminist thing. It isn't. Until men go and have photos taken of themselves in their undies or in bondage gear, flinging themselves round a pole or draped upside down on a bed or arse up with a riding crop in their mouths, and typically share to social media, it will be catering to the male gaze. Most women don't typically find burlesque or boudoir photos of their mates attractive and think it sends some sort of signal as to what kind of sexual partner they are. Men do. Those pictures aren't posed to empower women. They're posed to arouse men. You like the photos because you feel sexy and beautiful in them. Good! But it doesn't take away from the fact that they're designed to titillate and that the audience is meant to be male.

In the nicest possible way, you won't be gaining female cheerleaders, but you will probably be perved on by male friends and relatives and judged by a fair scattering.

Not always.
Lots of women do that stuff and never post it for men to see! Lots of my friends from pole/burlesque etc. have private accounts for their hobbies and no men are allowed..apart from the occasional gay ones that do the classes too!

Beezknees · 27/02/2023 06:22

Wait2see2 · 27/02/2023 04:25

NO. NO. NO. It's completely attention seeking and desperate. People will honestly laugh at you behind your back, including the ones who leave comments telling you that you look great. Please don't post them just keep them to yourself.

People who post nice comments but then laugh behind her back aren't good people, so personally I wouldn't give a fuck about what they think. Two faced and bitchy is a terrible trait, I'd judge someone like that far more than somebody posting underwear pics.

Jobalons · 27/02/2023 06:24

I take it OP you have read all the terms and conditions on most social media? Any photos you put up will be stored by the providers even if you delete them and you are giving them rights to use your photos.

Not sure that's your intentions but if it is ist not empowering.

rowanoak · 27/02/2023 06:27

I think this depends on sociodemographics... when reading the responses I feel like a lot of the people commenting must be of an older generation where they were man-hating feminists and/or they must not like how they look physically but don't want to be honest and admit that so instead they attack other women and their own decisions (which to me is not feminist at all); they sound really jealous and judgmental.

I personally have never had pictures like that taken of me and if I did, I would only share them with my husband and maybe my sister or a few close friends. I don't think I would like the photos and I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing them on social media because I don't have a lot of confidence in my body. But if I did decide to share them it would be for ME... not to please men or meet the male gaze expectations or whatever.

I find it strange that so many of the women commenting are caring what MEN think or automatically thinking it's about MEN when it's not... it makes me think those women care about men more than they are letting on. I am happily married and only care what my husband thinks about me (and I know he thinks I'm smoking hot and am the love of his life and that's really, truly the only opinion that matters to me in the long run when it comes to genuine real life stuff, but if a man OR a woman complimented me or said I looked good in a photo, I'd be flattered in a superficial social media kind of way- and my husband feels the same way about his own photos.)

Likewise if anyone had anything mean to say I would just ignore them because who cares? I don't see it as a gendered thing or a feminist thing (or not) at all. I just personally wouldn't like the photos so I wouldn't post them but if I did get them taken and liked them, then I would, and who cares what other people think? That is the part you have to get over if you want to have good self-esteem. Start not caring what people have to say, especially all the biddies in the comments. LOL

Although I personally wouldn't do this and have to fend off invites/"sales" on these types of photoshoots, I know a LOT of women who do get them taken and share them on social media. My husband's cousin is a photographer who does these kinds of shoots and she is also a model who photographs other models; also, we know a lot of people who are involved in the movie business because a lot of movies are filmed in our city... but it's alternative modeling or it's actors of all different body types so these "boudoir photoshoots" that she takes for people (I think burlesque photos are kind of similar but not sure) are very body-positive... most of the women are NOT skinny or "conventionally" model-like... they are curvy, plus-sized, have pink hair and tattoos, that sort of thing... although some of them are conventionally attractive... there's a wide range) and I admire them and think they look great in their photos. I think it's important to see all kinds of bodies and shapes and sizes.

As far as men doing it, well, I know a lot of male models through the same channels and also because I publish romance books and have had photoshoots of models for my covers, and yes, there are definitely men who love posing for shirtless photos and showing off their body. But also I think it's pretty universally acknowledged that the feminine form is usually more attractive to the eye (anyone's eye) than the male form so there's that too.

I consider myself to be bisexual although I've been happily married to a man for like a decade now, and when I see these photos posted I think the women are hot!!! And sometimes the men are too, lol, which is fine- we are all human and attracted to how people look but it doesn't mean it's some gross thing. I don't know when people returned to the puritan Victorian era on mumsnet, where they clasp their pearls at photos that aren't even fully naked or porn-like. (Not that I have any issue with porn actors or sex work, I'm just saying that if that's how they react to regular women who enjoy getting burlesque photos taken of themselves and feel confident about it and want to share it on their own social media pages, then I'd hate to see how they treat people who willingly, consensually take off their clothes for money. LOL.)

If any of my "friends" talked about other women as badly as some of these commenters have- saying that a woman is a trashy or has low self-esteem just for liking and sharing photos she had taken of herself- then I would unfriend them on Facebook AND in real life. I don't associate with women who treat, view and talk about other women this way (AND center it all on "what men must be thinking" instead of listening to the woman's own stated feelings and desires on the matter) and then have the hypocritical gall to call themselves "feminists". Hahahaha.)

I think it's up to each individual and if they want to take and share boudoir/burlesque photos, cool, and if they don't, cool. In real life, off Mumsnet, I have felt that everyone has had the same attitude about it that I do and it's really no big deal either way.

It's only while reading these comments that I wonder why some people are so judgmental about what other people chose to share on their own social media. It makes me think the people being mean with their comments are the insecure ones.

Anyway, OP, do it if you feel it's right for you, or don't do it if you don't, but the fact that you asked on mumsnet makes me think you don't really feel right about it. Because women who feel right about it just do it; they don't have to ask other people for their opinions and then get upset or sensitive about the answers. Someone will always judge you or not approve of what you're doing but true self-esteem comes from knowing what YOU want and doing it without regard for what others think- obviously as long as you're not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal or something crazy like that.

Best wishes no matter which way you decide. I'm glad you had a good photoshoot and are happy with the results! At least treasure those photos and be proud of them no matter what.

Snoken · 27/02/2023 06:28

Please don’t do it and please don’t get it mixed up with female empowerment, it’s having the opposite effect. Empowered females are the likes of Malala, Michelle Obama, even Jackie Weaver. They all exude confidence, but I have no desire to see any of them in their underwear. You don’t have to aim that high of course, just avoid attention seeking behaviour when it comes to your appearance.

Tessisme · 27/02/2023 06:29

It's great that the photos have given you a confidence boost. Ultimately it's up to you. I don't think it's 'shameful' (not too sure about 'vacuous' though) and as long as you don't become obsessed with who hasn't liked or commented and you aren't worried about them being seen by people you don't know, then crack on. The photos, once posted, will exist on the internet forever.

From my own point of view, I would cringe from the inside out at the idea of anyone seeing me in lingerie, even if the photographer managed to make me look like a supermodel (albeit a very old supermodel!) I don't understand why women, big, small or anything in between, need to find their empowerment by being photographed in 'sexy' underwear and poses. Surely there are other ways to show your worth in the world? But just a personal opinion. Each to their own.

follyfoot37 · 27/02/2023 06:30

'Boudoir shots' says it all in 2 wotds
Tacky
Don't do the social media validation, you aren't 14...

Emptycrackedcup · 27/02/2023 06:30

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 06:17

Self esteem is never to be found in underwear.

💯 this

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 27/02/2023 06:30

One of the reasons I have very little social media. I hate that people post pictures or text to gather attention, it’s cringe and I wonder why people need such validation. I’m pretty average middle aged woman of two adult DC, I brush up ok and can pay the bills. I’m ok with that. I consider myself fortunate and don’t need or care about likes on SM.

it’s much healthier I believe.

googledidnthelp · 27/02/2023 06:31

Are feeling this way about edited photos or the raw originals? As when I did one of those shoots it just highlighted how much I needed photoshopping to look good!

If they are edited then it's not very empowering at all in my opinion.

Silverbook · 27/02/2023 06:33

Junglejane8 · 26/02/2023 22:46

Oh wow ok I'm kinda surprised by these responses which are pretty unanimous that it's a bad idea.
I expected more pro female empowerment. You do you etc..
I'll take it all on board.. thanks everyone.

Empowerment is having the right to make your own decision. That doesn’t come from an online forum.

Your validation should come from the feeling you got from seeing the photos.

Post them online if YOU want but seeing as you asked you’ve got the options of others. As you’ve asked- no I definitely wouldn’t post them online for anybody/everybody to see for a whole list of reasons.

DahliaRose3 · 27/02/2023 06:34

Cringe. In the nicest possible way, I never want to see any friends, family, and especially colleagues in their lingerie; much less in lingerie whilst doing sexy poses and ok a bed. I would genuinely think that the person posting this was WEIRD, and not in a I’m quirky type of way. It screams of either poor self esteem or way too much, and a lack of self awareness. It’s also tacky. Nobody will like the photos as much as you do!

If you really need to post something, at the very least at least be in a bikini/swimsuit whilst on holiday.

Jobalons · 27/02/2023 06:35

Moser85 · 27/02/2023 06:21

Not always.
Lots of women do that stuff and never post it for men to see! Lots of my friends from pole/burlesque etc. have private accounts for their hobbies and no men are allowed..apart from the occasional gay ones that do the classes too!

Lots of my friends from pole/burlesque etc. have private accounts for their hobbies and no men are allowed.

until some one shares their account, it gets hacked or the social media company or its employees share the images (legally they can as you signed all rights away putting them on their platform).

Then they end up on some dodgy sites or other wise, how naive. You have no privacy on social media.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 27/02/2023 06:36

Nimblesandbimbles · 26/02/2023 22:49

This isn’t a criticism of you OP but I genuinely question this idea that underwear shots are empowering. I get the body positivity angle but doesn’t it just reduce women to objects?

Totally this. Women who flash their bodies under the guise of female empowerment, have been duped by men and the media and its not empowering, it's embarrassing (if you think it's empowering). The men are having a laugh at your expense.

Good on you for getting the pictures done for you BTW.

Zuve · 27/02/2023 06:36

Please think this one out. I know of a teacher who had her I'd stolen from social media. I would be very careful, you don't know who is looking!

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 06:37

Moser85 · 27/02/2023 06:21

Not always.
Lots of women do that stuff and never post it for men to see! Lots of my friends from pole/burlesque etc. have private accounts for their hobbies and no men are allowed..apart from the occasional gay ones that do the classes too!

The male gaze is still integral even if they’re not actually showing it to men.

Pole dancing and burlesque are for men’s entertainment.

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