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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To post lingerie shots on my social media..

953 replies

Junglejane8 · 26/02/2023 22:35

Right here me out here..
Long term lacking in body confidence. Have never felt very beautiful or feminine. I've been working on my self-esteem recently and a friend who is a photographer treated me to a burlesque shoot. She said it would be a very empowering thing to do, and it was. I actually felt sexy and beautiful and powerful.
The pictures have come through and I'm so happy with them. I want to post them on my social media but am worried that it will come off as vain, desperate, attention seeking etc.
There is lots of crap on social media but then I think of some of the women I follow who post lingerie / swimwear images and I don't judge them at all. I think they are beautiful and confident. I want to do that too.
Or is it vacuous and shameful?

OP posts:
Artemis20 · 27/02/2023 22:20

I’d say no. This sort of thing is so last decade. People did it all the time then, but now I think most people have moved on and away from over sharing on social media as the mental health and privacy issues have come to light.

Its great that you look fabulous but nobody wants to see you in your underwear love. Maybe your boyfriend or some pervy guys at your work but for everyone else it’ll just be embarrassing and I think they’ll be thinking wtf.

Get the pics printed on canvas or in a special photo book to look at. It’s nice to look at pics and think how amazing you look…. I remember that feeling from a while ago, sadly not these days! But don’t share lingerie pics on social media!

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:20

kught · 27/02/2023 22:16

@Eyerollcentral I'd see the examples of men posting sweaty, in gym, muscles out etc as sexualising themselves if we're going by definition of what the opposite sex finds 'attractive' by standards set, men just aren't objectified and scrutinised for doing so and therefore it isn't honed in on.

Men aren’t objectified because men have the power as the male gaze is dominant. They may be vain or insecure or wanting to look attractive but they aren’t posting specifically sexualised poses in special underwear are they? They are taking gym shots or holiday shots, posting pics of themselves in their every day lives. Not presenting themselves as someone who lolls around a bed in a basque.

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 22:23

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:14

The only one in your post not sexualising themselves is the straight man though. That’s the key difference. They may be as vain or lacking in self esteem as anyone else but they are not overtly sexualising themselves on the internet unlike the women and gay men you refer to. Which boils down to the same thing - men who find them sexually attractive will like it and even if it’s not for men they are posting images in the accepted norm of desirability I.e. that they look f*able. This is so entrenched people just cannot see it any more.

Show quote history

To think straight men are not stating "hey look at me how hot I look" when they're posting those pictures is very naive...

kught · 27/02/2023 22:24

@Eyerollcentral okay then out of curiosity, would you not scrutinise a woman to the same extent if she was posting pictures in little bikinis on holiday or posed pictures of her glutes in the gym?

Original poster
Junglejane8 · 27/02/2023 22:24

@Eyerollcentral you think that men are NEVER objectified....? 👀

OP posts:
Elvis1956 · 27/02/2023 22:28

I think you need to ask 3 questions before you do this:
1 who will see them...social media means a lot. Facebook and your mum, the weird kids you sat next to in 2nd year maths. The others where anyone can see? What if they are hijacked. What if a future partners is put off because s/he isn't as comfortable as you with the pics
2 how will you feel in 20 years when your teenage children find them. Or you look back at a time when you are feeling low or down on yourself.
3 most people...ok complete strangers....have said no don't do it. The majority is seldom wrong in these things.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:30

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 22:23

To think straight men are not stating "hey look at me how hot I look" when they're posting those pictures is very naive...

Show quote history

Sure they are, but they are posting pics that are just pics as part of their everyday lives. Obviously their best pics, as most people do online. Boudoir shoots aren’t part of everyday life. The pics are themselves sexualised. They are intended to make the poser look sexually desirable. That’s their very aim. The vast majority of straight men, 99%, would not dream of doing such a thing. And I don’t think that even if it wasn’t a social no no for them they would be any more inclined to do so. Straight men generally want to be the pursuer not the pursued.

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 22:32

Elvis1956 · 27/02/2023 22:28

I think you need to ask 3 questions before you do this:
1 who will see them...social media means a lot. Facebook and your mum, the weird kids you sat next to in 2nd year maths. The others where anyone can see? What if they are hijacked. What if a future partners is put off because s/he isn't as comfortable as you with the pics
2 how will you feel in 20 years when your teenage children find them. Or you look back at a time when you are feeling low or down on yourself.
3 most people...ok complete strangers....have said no don't do it. The majority is seldom wrong in these things.

This applies to ANY pics you post on SM. The good thing about being my age (mid 40's) is that there's no evidence/documentation of all the stupid shenanigans we were up to in our youth and that's a good thing.

kught · 27/02/2023 22:32

@Elvis1956 1 - if a future partner would judge someone on this, then I'd hope the person who is happy to post such content wouldn't want anything to do with that person (it'd red flag me, personally).
2 - what if you saw them if you didn't post them (framed etc as previously suggested) when you're feeling down? Same risk, isn't it? Although I'd hope with the feeling OP is getting from receiving them back that if she was down about herself, these would lift her up rather than beat her further down.
3 - The majority can only be 'seldom wrong' if it's a big sample size of people from differing ages, genders etc... MN seems to harbour middle-aged, traditional, conservative, judgemental women (no offence to those that don't meet the criteria), so I'd take the opinions with a pinch of salt, OP.

HaroldsHoodie · 27/02/2023 22:33

YoBeaches · 27/02/2023 21:45

I think OP you need to consider how you may feel if those pics get slammed.

The first psychology point is to ask why you feel lingerie pictures are empowering - you clearly feel something when you see those images of others that you want the same for yourself. This is cognitive.

The second point is to say that the way you felt doing the pictures and the way you feel looking at those pictures, is all about you, and only you. They are your eyes and only you can see and feel those things.

You have actually no insight as to how others might perceive you when they see those images. You say you don't care... but that's not true. If you didn't care you would have no desire to 'publish' them at all.

So you do care. You want people to see you in those images. But you want them to see you the same way you saw yourself. But you can't control that.

It's risky. It's your call. You could otherwise just wear a bikini on the beach or the swimming pool next time round and gain empowerment in a way that you actually have some control.

The internet is generally not an empowering place for burlesque lingerie pics.

This is what my very short comment of advice was getting at. But set out much more clearly and in greater detail. Do at least this comment again, and think about it.

FWIW I wouldn’t think it was vacuous or shameful if you did post them. I just don’t think it would actually be empowering and I’m not convinced it’ll do what you’re expecting it to for you and your self esteem/body issues.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:33

kught · 27/02/2023 22:24

@Eyerollcentral okay then out of curiosity, would you not scrutinise a woman to the same extent if she was posting pictures in little bikinis on holiday or posed pictures of her glutes in the gym?

What do you mean? Gym posts are frankly deeply boring but I understand people may want to document their gains and a bikini is a reasonable garment to wear on holiday in a hot country in the summer. You actually are assuming the intent in posting any pics of your body is the same, which is interesting, as you earlier said the male gaze is nothing to do with this topic.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:35

Junglejane8 · 27/02/2023 22:24

@Eyerollcentral you think that men are NEVER objectified....? 👀

I didn’t say they were never objectified. I stand by my statement that 99% of straight men would never sexually objectify themselves by posting boudoir style images online, partly because of the ridicule that would ensue but also because it wouldn’t cross their minds to seek validation from presenting a sexualised image of themselves for approval.

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 22:41

@Eyerollcentral Straight men generally want to be the pursuer not the pursued.

Straight men like to be pursued too (at least the ones I know), love to feel they're hot, love attention as much as women and have vanity just like us, it's just very frown upon amongst them to post a boudoir picture, it's too gay so instead they'll post a shirtless sweaty selfie in the gym changing room. Different rules but same outcome.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:47

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 22:41

@Eyerollcentral Straight men generally want to be the pursuer not the pursued.

Straight men like to be pursued too (at least the ones I know), love to feel they're hot, love attention as much as women and have vanity just like us, it's just very frown upon amongst them to post a boudoir picture, it's too gay so instead they'll post a shirtless sweaty selfie in the gym changing room. Different rules but same outcome.

Show me a straight man who would consider getting a sexy photo shoot done and then posting it online who isn’t getting paid for it. I’ll wait… the point is it ISN’T socially acceptable for a straight man to do it. Why then is it socially acceptable for a woman?

Isthisexpected · 27/02/2023 22:52

Show me a straight man who would consider getting a sexy photo shoot done and then posting it online who isn’t getting paid for it. I’ll wait… the point is it ISN’T socially acceptable for a straight man to do it. Why then is it socially acceptable for a woman?

^ I can't imagine a straight man doing this as you say. There's something wrong with society that some women feel they want to.

ConcordeOoter · 27/02/2023 23:00

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:20

Men aren’t objectified because men have the power as the male gaze is dominant. They may be vain or insecure or wanting to look attractive but they aren’t posting specifically sexualised poses in special underwear are they? They are taking gym shots or holiday shots, posting pics of themselves in their every day lives. Not presenting themselves as someone who lolls around a bed in a basque.

Show quote history

Men and lesbians are objectified for different things by women, so the vain ones play up are unceremoniously rejected for the things women often find attractive.

Women and gay men both play up to and/or are unceremoniously rejected for the different things that men find attractive.

If you think there is a shortage of people changed or rejected by the female gaze, who jump to unreasonable conclusions just like you do, you really have not been paying attention to society and its current problems.

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 23:02

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:47

Show me a straight man who would consider getting a sexy photo shoot done and then posting it online who isn’t getting paid for it. I’ll wait… the point is it ISN’T socially acceptable for a straight man to do it. Why then is it socially acceptable for a woman?

Show quote history

I totally get your point and to some extent agree with you, I’m afraid the rules and social conventions between straight men and women are different. We are allowed to things they are not and they are allowed to things we are not. We can post a cute selfie with cat ears and a moustache filter but if they do it they become a laughing stock to their peers, we can post a duck pout selfie but they cannot, they can post a picture of them sporting a beer belly holding a pint and will get likes from their peers but if we ladies do the same it will be frown upon etc…

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 23:03

ConcordeOoter · 27/02/2023 23:00

Men and lesbians are objectified for different things by women, so the vain ones play up are unceremoniously rejected for the things women often find attractive.

Women and gay men both play up to and/or are unceremoniously rejected for the different things that men find attractive.

If you think there is a shortage of people changed or rejected by the female gaze, who jump to unreasonable conclusions just like you do, you really have not been paying attention to society and its current problems.

Show quote history

Sorry I can’t make head nor tail of your post at all.

Moser85 · 27/02/2023 23:05

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 06:37

The male gaze is still integral even if they’re not actually showing it to men.

Pole dancing and burlesque are for men’s entertainment.

Show quote history

It can be for mens entertainment, it also can just be for fun and as a hobby only shared with women.

Maireas · 27/02/2023 23:05

I'm assuming that you've posted them now, OP. Any response?
If you haven't, do you have lingering doubts?

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 23:06

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 23:02

I totally get your point and to some extent agree with you, I’m afraid the rules and social conventions between straight men and women are different. We are allowed to things they are not and they are allowed to things we are not. We can post a cute selfie with cat ears and a moustache filter but if they do it they become a laughing stock to their peers, we can post a duck pout selfie but they cannot, they can post a picture of them sporting a beer belly holding a pint and will get likes from their peers but if we ladies do the same it will be frown upon etc…

Show quote history

Yes, the images you refer to as being socially acceptable for women and not straight men are cute or sexy images again. Larger ladies can and do post pics of themselves holding a pint or a glass of wine and still do get likes from their friends so not sure that comparison holds tbh.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 23:09

Moser85 · 27/02/2023 23:05

It can be for mens entertainment, it also can just be for fun and as a hobby only shared with women.

Show quote history

But it originates with the sexualisation of women for the titillation of men. @Mirabai is right when she says the male gaze is integral. Women normalising this represents an internalisation of the male gaze.

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 23:15

@Eyerollcentral Larger ladies can and do post pics of themselves holding a pint or a glass of wine and still do get likes from their friends so not sure that comparison holds tbh.

Yes, larger ladies can post a picture holding a pint but it need to be "classy" or somewhat "lady like", men don't need to be classy. A guy with a big pot belly holding a pint looking pissed is "manly" or "funny" but a woman not.

Sep200024 · 27/02/2023 23:20

I didn’t realise that the OP was so young and vulnerable, and now see this thread in a bit of a different light.

OP - please just leave it a little while before you post them. There’s no rush.

ZiriForEver · 27/02/2023 23:25

This thread is absurd. Older women being patronising with outdated facts.

Real burlesque has more female than men visitors. Burlesque isn't the same as strip club. Pole dance is a sport. Many women likes it just as a complex exercise and never get male (or external) audience. Many men do as well. There are sport competitions with both male and female categories. Pole dance isn't the same as strip club. And the costume isn't really more revealing than gymnastics leotards.

Internet, Photoshop and AI changed the situation about privacy as well, it doesn't matter how one behave online, nudes can be generated from very little personal input.

And if employers want to be precious about it, good luck finding anyone (proportion of people of that age who has topless/bikini level of pictures online is just too big).
And I really don't see why topless men photograohed in a gym is more acceptable than woman in her underwear.
Male nipple shared online isn't more acceptable than woman's bra. Actually male nipple isn't more acceptable than female nipple.