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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To post lingerie shots on my social media..

953 replies

Junglejane8 · 26/02/2023 22:35

Right here me out here..
Long term lacking in body confidence. Have never felt very beautiful or feminine. I've been working on my self-esteem recently and a friend who is a photographer treated me to a burlesque shoot. She said it would be a very empowering thing to do, and it was. I actually felt sexy and beautiful and powerful.
The pictures have come through and I'm so happy with them. I want to post them on my social media but am worried that it will come off as vain, desperate, attention seeking etc.
There is lots of crap on social media but then I think of some of the women I follow who post lingerie / swimwear images and I don't judge them at all. I think they are beautiful and confident. I want to do that too.
Or is it vacuous and shameful?

OP posts:
G5000 · 27/02/2023 14:34

Maybe she doesn't want to be empowered

Except that this is what OP keeps saying, that posting her semi-naked sexy photos is empowering and showing confidence.

Iminthecupboard · 27/02/2023 14:36

The op is specifically arguing she is only doing it because it’s empowering though. And she’s telling other women off for not agreeing that it is. If she’d just said ‘I want to show my body off as it’s hot’ I’d say do what you want!

Layla30 · 27/02/2023 14:36

I would say no to posting them but not for any of the reasons you gave!
For me it would be completely about the fact that once you put it on social media that’s it out there and it can be shared and used.
Might sound daft but I am terrified either me or my kids photos end up as memes because that’s exactly where they originate from.
Also the prospective employer one - a colleague of mine a few years ago got a verbal warning for putting up a photo of herself posing in underwear in the same way yours probably are as it was public and went against the social media policy of the organisation!

ReneBumsWombats · 27/02/2023 14:38

LaDamaDeElche · 27/02/2023 14:34

But that's literally the question the OP asked, in AIBU

The pictures have come through and I'm so happy with them. I want to post them on my social media but am worried that it will come off as vain, desperate, attention seeking

People responded as she asked and now you and some other posters are getting angry with them. Why? This isn't chat. The OP literally asked about vanity and if people would perceive it that way.

Show quote history

Please stop trying to discredit people's comments by pretending that they're "angry". It's more transparent than a boudoir model's pants and not even half as interesting.

Yes, she asked the question, and frankly I don't know how anyone couldn't have foreseen the avalanche of insults and Puritan opprobrium, occasionally masquerading as concern. I can only assume she hasn't been here very long.

It's still a fair question. OK, she's vain. Is that worse than the people who have bodyshamed her ("burly", "oddly shaped"), suggested she is a "tart" or gleefully told her that anyone who likes her pictures will be lying or a pervert?

Emmamoo89 · 27/02/2023 14:41

C4tastrophe · 27/02/2023 12:24

I cringe when I see Amanda Holden carrying on and dressed like a 30 year old, and she’s very well preserved for a 50 plus.

I cringe too.

WineCap · 27/02/2023 14:41

I post on social media to update my friends and family on my life. I don't care about likes or validation. No friend or relative (unless you have a weird pervy uncle etc) is interested in a life update of you in your pants. So, if we go ahead and believe you really don't want validation then what are you doing it for?

Treetopviews · 27/02/2023 14:42

Gosh some anger being shown on here now, quite shockingly so.

yes the posters are right, if a woman feels getting her kit off and posting it on social media is empowering it’s her business. We can all look away. No one needs to pay heed to the vanity, lack of self esteem, need for validation, attention seeking behaviour or whatever else it is.

but she asked. And people are giving their opinions. It would be a very disingenuous forum if the responses were “you go hun”. And everyone moves on.

amd comparing it to cat photos or the like is silly. The whole point is women have been objectified for years, and Many of us feel a grown ass woman posting heavily filtered pictures of herself in her pants on social media is demeaning. She doesn’t, that’s fine. Some others don’t. That’s also fine, some folks think we should look the other way, not comment on the behaviour.

But she didn’t need to ask. And she did. So as this is a chat forum folks are answering with their take. And rhe op can see that the majority opinion is not positive.

Thisismeyeah · 27/02/2023 14:43

OP your argument using celebrities is completely missing the point. They do it to raise their profile to try and get people interested in them to increase their demand to essentially make money so yes they do it for the likes. They dont do it because they want to feel better about themselves and so it makes a very poor comparison

LaDamaDeElche · 27/02/2023 14:52

ReneBumsWombats Well normally people don't say "so fucking what" if they're not at least mildly irritated, so I take your discrediting comment and give you gaslighting, as you are clearly getting pissed off, but literally trying to make me doubt my own eyes and reading/tone comprehension. Perhaps reread your posts.

Btw, I don't agree with the misogynist bullshit posted on here about her body shape etc, but neither do I agree with you labelling people as having faux concern for having a different opinion to you. There is a post I responded to not long ago which was just horrible, and these are the kinds of posts a person is likely to be subjected to on SM. So a for a person with low confidence and body issues, it's probably not the best thing to do to post these kind of pics, as many people have said. Not everyone on here who has said it's a bad idea to post these images has the nefarious agenda you seem to want to blanket pin on everyone.

LaDamaDeElche · 27/02/2023 14:53

Treetopviews · 27/02/2023 14:42

Gosh some anger being shown on here now, quite shockingly so.

yes the posters are right, if a woman feels getting her kit off and posting it on social media is empowering it’s her business. We can all look away. No one needs to pay heed to the vanity, lack of self esteem, need for validation, attention seeking behaviour or whatever else it is.

but she asked. And people are giving their opinions. It would be a very disingenuous forum if the responses were “you go hun”. And everyone moves on.

amd comparing it to cat photos or the like is silly. The whole point is women have been objectified for years, and Many of us feel a grown ass woman posting heavily filtered pictures of herself in her pants on social media is demeaning. She doesn’t, that’s fine. Some others don’t. That’s also fine, some folks think we should look the other way, not comment on the behaviour.

But she didn’t need to ask. And she did. So as this is a chat forum folks are answering with their take. And rhe op can see that the majority opinion is not positive.

Quite.

HoboSexualOnslow · 27/02/2023 14:54

Go for it! I don't see what is wrong with 'seeking attention'?
I wouldn't care if my employee did this, you're allowed a life outside of work.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 14:57

HoboSexualOnslow · 27/02/2023 14:54

Go for it! I don't see what is wrong with 'seeking attention'?
I wouldn't care if my employee did this, you're allowed a life outside of work.

Suppose it depends on the kind of attention you’re seeking firstly. Seeking attention on the basis of your sexiness doesn’t scream I am a secure and happy person. Secondly can you please explain to me why you think seeking attention is a good thing???

RampantIvy · 27/02/2023 14:57

Some posters on this thread seem to lack social awareness.

ReneBumsWombats · 27/02/2023 15:03

LaDamaDeElche · 27/02/2023 14:52

ReneBumsWombats Well normally people don't say "so fucking what" if they're not at least mildly irritated, so I take your discrediting comment and give you gaslighting, as you are clearly getting pissed off, but literally trying to make me doubt my own eyes and reading/tone comprehension. Perhaps reread your posts.

Btw, I don't agree with the misogynist bullshit posted on here about her body shape etc, but neither do I agree with you labelling people as having faux concern for having a different opinion to you. There is a post I responded to not long ago which was just horrible, and these are the kinds of posts a person is likely to be subjected to on SM. So a for a person with low confidence and body issues, it's probably not the best thing to do to post these kind of pics, as many people have said. Not everyone on here who has said it's a bad idea to post these images has the nefarious agenda you seem to want to blanket pin on everyone.

So you read irrepressible anger in a flippant "so fucking what?" on a forum known for being sweary, but all the body shaming and misogynistic slurs had to be brought to your attention? And you believe that people are really just oh so concerned about the pictures ending up somewhere?

Well like I said...I don't think posing in your pants is anywhere near as bad as body shaming or slurring women online. But if people do, not much we can really do about it. One more woman in her underwear on the internet, big whoop.

LaDamaDeElche · 27/02/2023 15:16

So you read irrepressible anger in a flippant "so fucking what?" on a forum known for being sweary, but all the body shaming and misogynistic slurs had to be brought to your attention? And you believe that people are really just oh so concerned about the pictures ending up somewhere? And there you go again making things up. I said getting angry with posters, nothing about irrepressible anger. You literally are a gaslighter, aren't you? The posts are here in black and white, so just stop. I have already responded to the worse post on here and called the person out, if you'd read the thread you'd see that. Clearly you are just out for a row and to be "right", rather than an actual concern for the OP, so crack on with that.

Herecomestreble1 · 27/02/2023 15:18

Op your reasoning for doing so is because you want to, can I ask why you want to? Tbh I wouldn't care if you posted them but it would really depend on your caption for me. If you said something similar to what you've said here about it feeling empowering for YOU and making YOU feel sexy then I'd be right behind you and virtually applauding, because fair play and I'm pleased you feel good and strong. What would annoy me is if you posted the photo and framed the caption as if your photos are empowering ALL women, or that they're benefitting me in some way. It's nothing to do with me, and I personally don't think that when I see other women post these kind of photos, and claiming they help me always seemed very narcissistic in my eyes.

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 15:21

G5000 · 27/02/2023 14:34

Maybe she doesn't want to be empowered

Except that this is what OP keeps saying, that posting her semi-naked sexy photos is empowering and showing confidence.

You need some "guts" to post lingerie pics on your Facebook profile, I don't have them (the guts, not the Facebook) as my body is not perfect, I'm too self aware and have all my parents/small nieces/nephews/work colleagues/ex work colleagues on my profile. I'm also awaiting a work promotion so I don't think posting lingerie photos is a smart move. My confidence is not affected by my not-so-perfect body or inability to post lingerie photos on my Facebook profile, honestly I can't care less. I'm guessing in the OP's case posting lingerie won't affect her job (lucky her), and if those pics help with her confidence who are we to judge? I just hope she's getting her validation as a person/confidence from other sources and this is a bit of a fun thing just for kicks, absolutely nothing wrong with that. If the OP was constantly posting sexy pictures I would be concerned with her self esteem, doesn't sound like the case here. Vanity? Yes, but c'mon... a bit of vanity is not a bad thing. Who doesn't feel good when we dress up nicely, put some make up on and feel attractive? I do fear for those young women with "sexy" instagram accounts full of photoshopped images.

ReneBumsWombats · 27/02/2023 15:27

LaDamaDeElche · 27/02/2023 15:16

So you read irrepressible anger in a flippant "so fucking what?" on a forum known for being sweary, but all the body shaming and misogynistic slurs had to be brought to your attention? And you believe that people are really just oh so concerned about the pictures ending up somewhere? And there you go again making things up. I said getting angry with posters, nothing about irrepressible anger. You literally are a gaslighter, aren't you? The posts are here in black and white, so just stop. I have already responded to the worse post on here and called the person out, if you'd read the thread you'd see that. Clearly you are just out for a row and to be "right", rather than an actual concern for the OP, so crack on with that.

I could explain to you what gaslighting actually is, but I sense I'd be wasting my time.

I do feel some concern for OP, because she's been subjected to a real pile on here for having the audacity to think about posting some sexy pictures. It's distasteful seeing people berate and bodyshame her out of misplaced moralistic ire while pretending they're just so worried. But I don't know how OP couldn't have known she wasn't going to get this sort of response. She can't have been here long.

FinallyHere · 27/02/2023 15:36

CheersForThatEh · 26/02/2023 22:46

People thinking you look sexy i.e. would want to shag you, is not empowering.

It's a fallacy told to women to encourage us to put up pictures of us in our knickers, look "better" in make up, or show off "a hint of cleavage".

Empowerment is choosing not to because that's your power.

This

I'm very glad for you that you are pleased with your photos @Junglejane8

Keep them for yourself, rather than putting them into the public domain to be judged. You don't need anyone's judgement.

You are beautiful, inside and out.

AllOfThemWitches · 27/02/2023 15:37

I do feel some concern for OP, because she's been subjected to a real pile on here for having the audacity to think about posting some sexy pictures.

It's so predictable though. For what reason would anyone really come here and rip a woman to shreds for something like this? It's not concern, anyone who says it is, is lying. It's to make themselves feel better or superior. Hence my suggestions that it stems from insecurity. They are not feminists, they only 'big up' women who conform to their ideas of appropriate behaviour.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 27/02/2023 15:37

@heartbroken40
You know what? OP, I hope you go ahead. People will laugh (I know I would), but will also judge you for being "lower class" and you'll make them feel better about themselves. So please do it! I wish you were my colleague as that would provide endless amusement. But I'm high up in a professional job and you're not. So...

This is the cringiest comment I've ever read and says a lot about your self-esteem if your thinking is that people feel better about themselves by simply thinking that someone is more 'lower class' than they are.

Shame that you could be so high up in a professional job and still need to put someone else down to make you feel good. Maybe talk to a therapist about that.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 15:40

ReneBumsWombats · 27/02/2023 15:27

I could explain to you what gaslighting actually is, but I sense I'd be wasting my time.

I do feel some concern for OP, because she's been subjected to a real pile on here for having the audacity to think about posting some sexy pictures. It's distasteful seeing people berate and bodyshame her out of misplaced moralistic ire while pretending they're just so worried. But I don't know how OP couldn't have known she wasn't going to get this sort of response. She can't have been here long.

Show quote history

The OP posted on here saying she has low self esteem and thought that posting pics of herself in a nice bra and knickers posing in a sexy way would be ‘empowering’. Many women like myself said you should concentrate on actually building your self esteem, self worth doesn’t come from external validation. Many women like myself also countered the viewpoint that it empowering and feminist at all to post scantily clad pics of yourself online for likes on the basis that the male gaze and its impacts are now so deeply entrenched in the prevailing culture of the day that some women are unable to see their value except through that prism. You may disagree with those points but you are completely wrong to contend that this viewpoints are based on body shaming or misplaced moralistic ire. Personally I am concerned about the OP. I would be concerned about any woman who thinks this is a good idea, based mainly on the fact that like others here I have also known women to do this and I have yet to meet one who is genuinely confident and happy in their own skin.

Sandra1984 · 27/02/2023 15:43

@FinallyHere Keep them for yourself, rather than putting them into the public domain to be judged. You don't need anyone's judgement.

How about it makes her happy and she doesn't give a sh-t about being judged? Now... that's empowerment.

heartbroken40 · 27/02/2023 15:45

@NotAnotherBathBomb it was a bit of a shock technique for OP, I wouldn't feel that way at all in truth. But I feel very strongly that it's the wrong thing to do and she'll be derided. I work in very male dominated environment and can just imagine the laugh and scorn the photos would provoke. I am so shocked that OP thinks it's a good idea. I hope she's changed her mind

SweetSenorita · 27/02/2023 15:45

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 14:57

Suppose it depends on the kind of attention you’re seeking firstly. Seeking attention on the basis of your sexiness doesn’t scream I am a secure and happy person. Secondly can you please explain to me why you think seeking attention is a good thing???

Show quote history

Well, it probably isn't: a good thing. Neither is wine. Or chocolate. But a lot of us like it now and again.

I'm an attention seeker on an occasional basis. Not often: just now and then. A bit vain sometimes? Yeah, I guess so. I guess I'm just lacking in the classy perfection that post posters have.

I'm still a decent woman. Meh.