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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH do childcare when I am ill?

115 replies

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:39

I am in such pickle about this. I have a 16 month old who’s bringing lots of bugs in from playgroups. We can’t find a nursery place at the moment as there are huge shortages where I live, so we childcare split between two nannies. DH works full time about 40 hours a week, and I work 20-25 a week ideally, both from home. Unfortunately both our nannies were sick last week (or had sick children to look after), and then my daughter got sick, and now I am sick. I have been sick on/off all year - hand foot & mouth, severe norovirus, tonsillitis, sinusitis, flu, another stomach bug, now another cold and bad cough. I am also 10 week’s pregnant and have quite bad morning sickness. DH has gone off to London for a social thing last night (which was planned, and he hardly sees his friends) and just got back. I’ve had the baby most of the week when I’ve been ill, hardly worked at all, and now on the weekend. DH seems firm he won’t take time off to look after the baby (who is also sick) during the week, and it’s down to me even if I am sick to look after her if I our childcare lets us down. We’ve had a massive disagreement about this this week. He works for himself, and there’s a lot going on right now so I see his perspective. He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework.

OP posts:
Dinkleberg · 26/02/2023 12:40

Absolutely he should look after his own child if you are unwell. He is a selfish prick.

Bunnyishotandcross · 26/02/2023 12:40

Of course he shouldn't be doing childcare..
He is raising his own blooming dc..

Ceryneianhind · 26/02/2023 12:41

DH seems firm he won’t take time off to look after the baby (who is also sick) during the week, and it’s down to me even if I am sick to look after her if I our childcare lets us down

don't have any more dc with him.

He is an arsehole

Dinkleberg · 26/02/2023 12:42

Ceryneianhind · 26/02/2023 12:41

DH seems firm he won’t take time off to look after the baby (who is also sick) during the week, and it’s down to me even if I am sick to look after her if I our childcare lets us down

don't have any more dc with him.

He is an arsehole

OP is 10 weeks pregnant.

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:43

@Bunnyishotandcross what do you mean? He has 1 DC with me and no others

OP posts:
midgemadgemodge · 26/02/2023 12:44

Isn't he entitled under law to parental leave ?

Dinkleberg · 26/02/2023 12:45

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:43

@Bunnyishotandcross what do you mean? He has 1 DC with me and no others

They're saying he shouldn't treat/refer to it as childcare. It's not childcare, it's being a parent to his own child.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2023 12:46

I think @Bunnyishotandcross means it’s not “childcare”. It’s parenting. It’s his kid as much as yours. And she’s right.

custardbear · 26/02/2023 12:46

He should be a patent, not just viewing from the side lines! If you're unwell then go to bed, tell him it's his daughter too and bloody look after his family

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:48

Good point @Bunnyishotandcross @BitOutOfPractice @Dinkleberg

He can do what he wants, he is his own boss @midgemadgemodge

I feel like such a mug

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/02/2023 12:48

Why does he think the baby is your sole responsibility?

Why does he not think your job is important?

Dixiechickonhols · 26/02/2023 12:50

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:43

@Bunnyishotandcross what do you mean? He has 1 DC with me and no others

It’s not childcare or babysitting if it’s your child it’s parenting.
I’m sure you don’t say I’m babysitting dc.
It’s not sustainable not to take time off to care for his child. What does he propose? With 2 dc there will be years of sickness to cover.

Parker231 · 26/02/2023 12:51

It’s not childcare when they are your DC’s - it’s parenting and a joint responsibility regardless of your employment status.

strawberry2017 · 26/02/2023 12:52

And this is why women struggle in the work place because men see all child rearing as the women's job.
He needs to step up and help!

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:53

@NoSquirrels I think because his business is really struggling right now and because it's our main asset as a company, he just seems completely focused on this. He is fairly rigid in his thinking and doesn't seem to have become more flexible since having a family

It's not like he doesn't do anything. He is quite hands on with her before and after work. When I was really sick with tonsillitis he did a lot but we still had the nannies cover me during that week, he didn't take any time off

OP posts:
Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:55

I meant *as a family

Rather than *as a company

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 26/02/2023 12:56

He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework

I was on your side until I read that sentence. If I were your H that would piss me off: if you’re well enough to do housework, you’re well enough to do childcare.

Dixiechickonhols · 26/02/2023 12:57

It’s an important line in sand as he clearly views baby as just your responsibility.
I’d want to get sorted now.
If you don’t all that will happen is you will stay as default parent and by time you are off maternity leave from 2 you will be firmly set this way.
If you split and share children 50/50 he’d have to cover on his days. Why is it different if you are together.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/02/2023 12:57

He took the baby out yesterday and you chose to do housework. Why on earth didn't you just take yourself off to bed?!

shittyshitshit · 26/02/2023 12:57

HeddaGarbled · 26/02/2023 12:56

He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework

I was on your side until I read that sentence. If I were your H that would piss me off: if you’re well enough to do housework, you’re well enough to do childcare.

JfC 😳

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 26/02/2023 12:58

A couple of hours to "help you out?" He's an arse. At the risk of labouring a point already made. It's not childcare, it's not helping you out and it's not babysitting. It's parenting a child that he was involved in creating.
The nannies you use, does the money for that come from your wages since childcare is 100% your responsibility or does he at least pay 50/50 for that?

Dixiechickonhols · 26/02/2023 12:59

If business struggling and not family friendly is it time for him to get a job? You’ve altered your hours since having dc. Lots of parents change for family friendly reasons.

Dinkleberg · 26/02/2023 13:01

HeddaGarbled · 26/02/2023 12:56

He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework

I was on your side until I read that sentence. If I were your H that would piss me off: if you’re well enough to do housework, you’re well enough to do childcare.

He took his own child out for a few hours. Hardly a national hero. He has no right to be angry.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/02/2023 13:03

I think because his business is really struggling right now and because it's our main asset as a company
To me, this is a bit of drip feed.

If he is self-employed & the business is struggling, then I can see his concern re taking tome off.

BUT

Communication on a plan to facilitate sick DC, your job, his job needs to take place, and his social outing might have had to be foregone, in this instance.

PuttingDownRoots · 26/02/2023 13:03

HeddaGarbled · 26/02/2023 12:56

He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework

I was on your side until I read that sentence. If I were your H that would piss me off: if you’re well enough to do housework, you’re well enough to do childcare.

He can do the housework while OP relaxes with baby then...