Should DH do childcare when I am ill?

[winningeasy]

I am in such pickle about this. I have a 16 month old who’s bringing lots of bugs in from playgroups. We can’t find a nursery place at the moment as there are huge shortages where I live, so we childcare split between two nannies. DH works full time about 40 hours a week, and I work 20-25 a week ideally, both from home. Unfortunately both our nannies were sick last week (or had sick children to look after), and then my daughter got sick, and now I am sick. I have been sick on/off all year - hand foot & mouth, severe norovirus, tonsillitis, sinusitis, flu, another stomach bug, now another cold and bad cough. I am also 10 week’s pregnant and have quite bad morning sickness. DH has gone off to London for a social thing last night (which was planned, and he hardly sees his friends) and just got back. I’ve had the baby most of the week when I’ve been ill, hardly worked at all, and now on the weekend. DH seems firm he won’t take time off to look after the baby (who is also sick) during the week, and it’s down to me even if I am sick to look after her if I our childcare lets us down. We’ve had a massive disagreement about this this week. He works for himself, and there’s a lot going on right now so I see his perspective. He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework.

@Callmyfluff

Is she really well enough though

I've been known to clean bathroom whilst had D&V and get meals on pick up stuff, "housework" but it doesn't mean my DCs got the best care when also ill during day and night when I was also incredibly unwell and struggling to hail myself around. Only OP knows if she's well enough to take care of her DCs, it's not for random MNers to second guess her. I've done it bc I had no one else at home to help but it doesn't mean it was in anyway a comfortable experience

He maybe should not have gone on his night out, I say maybe as you later say you weren’t that unwell. But I think expecting him to take time off from his struggling business because you are mildly sick (as in well enough to do housework) is a bit of a stretch actually. You also have two nannies to help you and work part time. You are honestly being ridiculous, I am stunned that you have had as much sympathy as you have had. You also seem to be vaguely aware but not really understanding your financial situation very well, I guess your husband carries that mental load alone.

Depends if you value DC getting ‘the best care’ over having a roof over their heads.

Also posting on here is literally asking for people to second guess you.

Then I hope it's paying for all the childcare then

So if OP feels she can do the day whilst DH is out at work and he takes over as soon as he gets home, to let her rest, that's different. And that's about negotiation with both parents understanding they have equal responsibilities to their DC. Not a dictatorship that DH is too important to take any days off. All the good fathers I know have taken days off at times to care for their sick DCs. As they don't see it all as the mothers job, when mother also works or is sick herself - if too sick to manage Sick DCs at home as well.

We’re those fathers running struggling businesses that if went under would cause significant financial trouble for their families?

@WhereIsMumHiding3

This. Sometimes shit needs to be done or there are knock on effects to the whole family. As a mum you just carry on. I've already got severe Mum-guilt for the quality of care my DD has been having of late, lots of tv and me just laying their cough my guts out, feeding her ready made toddler meals as I don't have energy to cook. I'm taking as much short cuts as poss so I can get a nap in when she naps.

OP,

Swimming can be notorious for passing bugs, particularly in young children.

My second child couldn't go swimming without getting a dicky tummy. He seemed to swallow a lot of water.

It took a while for us to join the dots🙄, but when I eventually did and put a stop to them for a while, the dicky tummy disappeared.

Hope you feel better soon.

@Aprilx the question is regarding when our childcare falls through, and I am sick. Should he step in or not?
And I think I can conclude it depends how sick I am. But I've been sick the majority of this year so I think its obvious I need rest and support, especially as I am pregnant.

It isn't equal though. He is working more hours and taking on the bulk of the financial responsibility for the family. So OP isn't taking on her share of work hours or bills / expenses for their family and they have full time nanny coverage while she only works 20-25 hours a week.

@billy1966 ok I might give that a miss for a couple of weeks whilst the dust settles on this run of illnesses, thanks for the tip

on The flip side, if you’ve been sick all year do you expect him to miss work all year?

Thats simply not sustainable either

you need to get better at assessing your own level of illness and just be explicitly clear when you’re too unwell he needs to step in.

Husbands on here who need their wife to take the day off work to look after them if they are sick because they can't be ill and do childcare would be 100% roasted and burned at the stake. Especially if he only worked half the hours his wife did, she was the breadwinner, and they had full time nanny coverage even when he wasn't working.

@sweeneytoddsrazor Presumably the OP is happy? She had a disagreement with her DH that she is always left with the childcare even when she is ill.

The bar is set so low for men.

It is highly unlikely that if the DH took time off to look after DC on this occasion that they can no longer afford to be fed.

Ultimately she chose to have a second child with this man, so she has more of this to look forward to.

We both pay 33% of wages to cover childcare, food, and other immediate household expenses.

It's just my portion is much smaller obvs. He pays for everything else.

I was a SAHM for a year, and we also got married last year, so have stuff to pay off with the remainder of what I get paid after I've covered the basics for myself.

@Callmyfluff no as we have childcare in place to cover most the time, it's just it's fallen through last week.

I agree. He's had some time out to be social and I now need to rest, so he can do tea and bath time, and childcare for the rest of the day

Tbh I am more focused on making things nice for DD day to day. Same reason why I avoid the news, what's the point of negging myself about something I had zero control over.

It's not "negging yourself" to be realistic about what time off work your DH can actually have and your family's financial situation - after all, you'd all be seriously impacted if his business went under - it's not just him who should be worrying.

He's self-employed, is the main provider and earns 7x your salary, but you feel like he should take days off work when you have a nasty cold and are coughing on the sofa? If you physically couldn't get out of bed or ended up in hospital, that would be different, but honestly, your DD will be fine to sit and watch TV and cuddle with you for a few days while he works.

I do understand you're pregnant as well and dealing with the impact of that, but even so, you'll just have to make do for a while - it won't be forever and ultimately your DH needs to go to work or the bills won't be paid. That's the reality of your situation. Days off need to be saved for when there's absolutely no other choice.

Nobody's saying it's ideal, but it also won't be ideal if he loses his business and you're suddenly relying on one part-time income to pay the bills with a toddler and a baby on the way.

Parents don’t do childcare,parenting is being available to your child. Parents don’t babysit either
childcare is something you outsource to the Non parents
Your husband is slack and avoidant of his responsibilities

Why do these threads about unhelpful DHs nearly always contain the phrase 'and I'm expecting another baby' ..... ?? You could almost write the script ..

Have you read all her posts?

Is there really any need?

Exactly. They often show what kind of father they are with the first child but so many women on here still go on to have a second child. Sometimes it is because they want a sibling for their child. So then two children get to suffer the effects of a bad father. But as long as the children have each other right?

Yes. Hopefully it may make some women think about having a second child with a 'D'H who is already unhelpful.

No, he's not.

He's almost single-handedly supporting the entire family and paying for full-time childcare even though OP only works part-time.

Yes, I'm afraid I agree with this too OP.

Some of the illnesses you describe should absolutely necessitate your DH stepping up if your childcare falls through. But for many of those things you describe, it's just a case of gritting your teeth and getting through it.

I think it would be different if your DH was employed and could take parental leave then absolutely, use that to provide as much support to you as is possible/you need.

But he's self-employed and you've said there would be a risk of going under. You say that other than a small contribution to childcare, he pays for everything.

I also think that if you're unwell you don't use resting time to "catch up on housework". If you can do that, then your DH doesn't need to be taking time off work. Not when doing so could jeopardise the financial security of your family.

I threw up all the way through my pregnancy (twins) and it was utterly, utterly miserable so you really do have my sympathy. I hope the morning sickness passes soon and you get that second trimester bounce. That's undoubtedly making you feel much worse. But you spending a few days on the sofa with a snotty nose and a bit of a cough doesn't seem to warrant your DH putting your income and ergo your financial security at risk.

One thing I would say, however. I'm also ND and it's easier for me when things are clearer. It might be helpful if you work out exactly when you need your DH to take time off work, and when you can muddle through. With us ND folk, ambiguity is difficult and having clearer expectations can help us to meet them more effectively. If you're doing housework when your DH is giving you time to rest - even if you've dragged your arse around the house to do it - that's a very confusing and mixed message.

Also, hyper focus can be a problem for us. That means when we're presented with a problem, we focus excessively on it and find it very difficult to be distracted from that. If your DH is currently focussing on making sure the business is stable and performing, he will find it even harder to take a few days off. That's not an excuse, but it means that you need to be even clearer about when you need him to help - and to communicate that assertively. Just be sure you're considering the wider picture and are being reasonable - if he'd taken time off for all those illnesses you've listed, then I'm sure any business would struggle.

Hope you're all feeling better soon.