Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH do childcare when I am ill?

115 replies

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:39

I am in such pickle about this. I have a 16 month old who’s bringing lots of bugs in from playgroups. We can’t find a nursery place at the moment as there are huge shortages where I live, so we childcare split between two nannies. DH works full time about 40 hours a week, and I work 20-25 a week ideally, both from home. Unfortunately both our nannies were sick last week (or had sick children to look after), and then my daughter got sick, and now I am sick. I have been sick on/off all year - hand foot & mouth, severe norovirus, tonsillitis, sinusitis, flu, another stomach bug, now another cold and bad cough. I am also 10 week’s pregnant and have quite bad morning sickness. DH has gone off to London for a social thing last night (which was planned, and he hardly sees his friends) and just got back. I’ve had the baby most of the week when I’ve been ill, hardly worked at all, and now on the weekend. DH seems firm he won’t take time off to look after the baby (who is also sick) during the week, and it’s down to me even if I am sick to look after her if I our childcare lets us down. We’ve had a massive disagreement about this this week. He works for himself, and there’s a lot going on right now so I see his perspective. He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework.

OP posts:
Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 15:12

@Chequers1 he's not a bad father at all. I never ever said that. He's also not a bad DH. He has a lot of responsibility and stresses being the breadwinner. He's very focused on work and providing and being successful, so our DC can have a good life. We're just trying to figure out how to keep all the plates spinning when there is illness and cancelled childcare and lots of actual work and house work to do, which is why I have come here for advice in navigating that. We have no family around to help, our close friends are in the city where we used to live, I don't have any time really between parenting, work and looking after the house, so Mumsnet is a life line to me when trying to process how I feel about stuff. Try to read between the lines rather than going on a witch hunt please, it's not helpful and as several commenters have mentioned, doesn't make you look very good.

OP posts:
Pianoaccordian · 26/02/2023 15:13

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2023 15:06

No, he's not.

He's almost single-handedly supporting the entire family and paying for full-time childcare even though OP only works part-time.

Show quote history

Is he paying for full-time childcare?
My understanding is that they have childcare for the part-time hours OP works, and they recently got a bit extra to cover when she was ill? But then childcare didn't work out for a week, OP is still ill and finding it hard. (I could have all that a bit wrong though.)
Her DH doesn't sound like a bad parent to me btw, I don't think everybody is reading all the OP's posts.

butwhydidyou · 26/02/2023 15:19

What a selfish awful man. Why have a second child with him?

Pianoaccordian · 26/02/2023 15:21

See what I mean.

Chequers1 · 26/02/2023 15:22

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 15:12

@Chequers1 he's not a bad father at all. I never ever said that. He's also not a bad DH. He has a lot of responsibility and stresses being the breadwinner. He's very focused on work and providing and being successful, so our DC can have a good life. We're just trying to figure out how to keep all the plates spinning when there is illness and cancelled childcare and lots of actual work and house work to do, which is why I have come here for advice in navigating that. We have no family around to help, our close friends are in the city where we used to live, I don't have any time really between parenting, work and looking after the house, so Mumsnet is a life line to me when trying to process how I feel about stuff. Try to read between the lines rather than going on a witch hunt please, it's not helpful and as several commenters have mentioned, doesn't make you look very good.

@winningeasy it is not a witch hunt but maybe it hurts that it is finally a wake up call showing you what kind of man he is.

Your choice to get pregnant a second time with this man does not make you look particularly good. Like other people have commented why do we keep hearing about women having more than one child with these kind of men? Other people are using words for him like selfish, prick, arsehole etc.

Why do you set the bar so low for the father of your children? H is firm that he will not take time to look after the baby and it is still down to you even if you are sick. That takes a certain amount of callousness and cruelty.

Being the breadwinner should not absolve a man (or woman) for any responsibility and just basic human compassion for when their partner and DC are ill.

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 15:24

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts he doesn't pay for full time childcare, any childcare we have I am working through it (unless I am too sick to work). I contribute about 25% of the cost of that too.

I do pretty much all the household chores and cooking / meal prep & planning. I take the full mental load - I am primary care giver because I am PT, am responsible for organising any childcare / finding alternatives, sorting out doctors/medical stuff (for myself and my child), mid wife visits, nursery viewings, shopping, planning family holidays, caring for our dog, and my actual job. DH helps where he can but he's always working.

OP posts:
Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 15:25

@Pianoaccordian this is correct

OP posts:
Pianoaccordian · 26/02/2023 15:29

The advice by@StalkedByASpider at 15.10 sounds good to me OP. It helps to get the neurodiverse point of view.

StalkedByASpider · 26/02/2023 15:40

Pianoaccordian · 26/02/2023 15:29

The advice by@StalkedByASpider at 15.10 sounds good to me OP. It helps to get the neurodiverse point of view.

Thank you @Pianoaccordian 😊

I actually forgot to say that I'm self-employed too and my income pays all the bills - and I find it very hard to take a day off. I know I'm a pain in the arse and I drive my DP bonkers by not being able to drag myself away from the laptop. It's easier if we go out because a change in the environment helps me to stop thinking about work - but if we're at home, it's a real struggle (we're up against it financially at the moment as DP is off long-term sick so there's pressure for me to earn).

(the other reason I replied is that my birthday is 15/10 - and that coincidence has honestly delighted me - it's the small things that please us all sometimes 😅 )

Pianoaccordian · 26/02/2023 15:52

(the other reason I replied is that my birthday is 15/10 - and that coincidence has honestly delighted me - it's the small things that please us all sometimes 😅 )

That's brilliant😊It's amazing the pleasure small things can bring.

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 15:53

@StalkedByASpider you talk a lot of sense and appreciate your comments. You sound quite similar to my DH. We need to get out more together as family for sure. It's all been really flat since this bout of illnesses started.

You sound like you've got a lot on your plate, I hope things get better for you x

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2023 15:59

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 15:24

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts he doesn't pay for full time childcare, any childcare we have I am working through it (unless I am too sick to work). I contribute about 25% of the cost of that too.

I do pretty much all the household chores and cooking / meal prep & planning. I take the full mental load - I am primary care giver because I am PT, am responsible for organising any childcare / finding alternatives, sorting out doctors/medical stuff (for myself and my child), mid wife visits, nursery viewings, shopping, planning family holidays, caring for our dog, and my actual job. DH helps where he can but he's always working.

My apologies, it reads like you have two part-time nannies providing full-time childcare.

Please don't think I'm saying you don't have a lot on your plate, but I do think it's important that you don't underestimate the pressure of being the main earner - especially when you have a small child and a pregnant wife at home. It's so often dismissed on here but it's a huge load to carry - especially when you're self-employed and don't have the the support of a manager etc. behind you.

Unless you physically cannot do the childcare, it's only right that your DH works and you muddle through - without his income, you're stuffed.

Guis · 26/02/2023 16:01

You work from home is it 3 or so days a week. You have two nannies.
Unfortunate everyone was ill on one period but are they usually both sick ? Are they live in or out ?It would seem very unlucky to have both nannies sick on more than one occasion so hopefully you should be covered. And they can do what you pay them to do.

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 16:11

@Guis one nanny does about 10 hours, another does 10-15 hours depending on what we need that week

Yep both unavailable last week. They don't live with us no.

OP posts:
Guis · 26/02/2023 16:17

So hopefully, when everyone is well which should be normally, your childcare will be sorted out ?
Is there an agency who can provide emergency nannies for you if needed ?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page