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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH do childcare when I am ill?

115 replies

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:39

I am in such pickle about this. I have a 16 month old who’s bringing lots of bugs in from playgroups. We can’t find a nursery place at the moment as there are huge shortages where I live, so we childcare split between two nannies. DH works full time about 40 hours a week, and I work 20-25 a week ideally, both from home. Unfortunately both our nannies were sick last week (or had sick children to look after), and then my daughter got sick, and now I am sick. I have been sick on/off all year - hand foot & mouth, severe norovirus, tonsillitis, sinusitis, flu, another stomach bug, now another cold and bad cough. I am also 10 week’s pregnant and have quite bad morning sickness. DH has gone off to London for a social thing last night (which was planned, and he hardly sees his friends) and just got back. I’ve had the baby most of the week when I’ve been ill, hardly worked at all, and now on the weekend. DH seems firm he won’t take time off to look after the baby (who is also sick) during the week, and it’s down to me even if I am sick to look after her if I our childcare lets us down. We’ve had a massive disagreement about this this week. He works for himself, and there’s a lot going on right now so I see his perspective. He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/02/2023 13:05

midgemadgemodge · 26/02/2023 12:44

Isn't he entitled under law to parental leave ?

Runs own business...

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 13:06

Yep I know I need to figure this out with him. It's just the lack of empathy that is making me super annoyed. Like I am not super human, sometimes I get ill and need to rest to recover, and that's impossible if you're parenting by yourself. We can't always rely on a child minder to cover us. Hopefully we can get a nursery place soon so we have more reliable options.

When I had norovirus I had to interrupt his zoom called plead with him to take the baby - shortly after I was projectile vomiting everywhere. It was very severe. Luckily the baby didn't get it.

DH is neuro diverse to add this to consideration. He is a really good man - obv not coming across that well here - but this does create challenges for us

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/02/2023 13:06

He took her out to give you a break and you did housework? Why didn't you get some rest. Yes he should take time off, but if business is struggling and he is the main bread winner then of course that makes things more difficult. If he is pretty good at doing his share when he is home maybe he thinks its to risky to take time off for childcare reasons if you are then going to do housework rather than rest and get well.

Nanny0gg · 26/02/2023 13:07

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:53

@NoSquirrels I think because his business is really struggling right now and because it's our main asset as a company, he just seems completely focused on this. He is fairly rigid in his thinking and doesn't seem to have become more flexible since having a family

It's not like he doesn't do anything. He is quite hands on with her before and after work. When I was really sick with tonsillitis he did a lot but we still had the nannies cover me during that week, he didn't take any time off

I can absolutely see your point but the housework needs to be left to him in the evenings if your sick and if he has DC then you rest.

But if his business is your main source of income, what are his options? Is it at risk of going under? Will there not be enough coming in to pay your bills?

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 13:08

@EarringsandLipstick agree with this. And yes he shouldn't have left me to go on a jolly - but I would have felt awful about him not going as he rarely goes out by himself and these are some old friends

He's back now and has taken the baby for the rest of the day whilst I rest

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 26/02/2023 13:09

The very fact you didn't grasp my post is telling that you assume to be dd's main parent op...

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 13:10

@Nanny0gg yes limited options, and yes risk of going under. He seems very stressed. Money is a concern. Especially as we have paid for extra childcare this month and I have not been working

OP posts:
Katela18 · 26/02/2023 13:12

I just can't abide f*cking 'men' like this!

It's NOT childcare when it's his own child. It's being a parent. Tell him you are at work tomorrow and he will be watching the child.

My husband and I have always split illness, it wasn't even a conversation its just common sense.

Vloader23 · 26/02/2023 13:12

He wouldn't be providing childcare, he would be parenting.

The only caveat is I can understand how taking short notice time off is tricky when self-employed but that's the choice he's made having children and not being a PAYE so...

Nanny0gg · 26/02/2023 13:13

Katela18 · 26/02/2023 13:12

I just can't abide f*cking 'men' like this!

It's NOT childcare when it's his own child. It's being a parent. Tell him you are at work tomorrow and he will be watching the child.

My husband and I have always split illness, it wasn't even a conversation its just common sense.

But not if the business is going to go under.

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 13:13

For context he earns about 7x what earn...

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/02/2023 13:14

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 13:10

@Nanny0gg yes limited options, and yes risk of going under. He seems very stressed. Money is a concern. Especially as we have paid for extra childcare this month and I have not been working

You seem a bit detached from that side of things, OP

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 13:14

@Bunnyishotandcross yep I know, I'm embarrassed 😳

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 26/02/2023 13:15

Agree with everyone saying it's parenting not childcare. Yes your DH is equally responsible for parenting your joint child as you are.

If you're asking that he takes his share of days of when your childcare falls down / your child is ill and needs to be home YANBU. Of course he needs to do this.

If you're asking if he should look after your child while you're both off to allow you to recover YANBU.

If you're asking him to take time off to look after your child while you are off sick then, depending on how sick you are and how pressing work commitments are YA probably NBU. If you are too ill to safely look after your child then he needs to be off regardless of work commitments. If it will be a struggle but you can manage if forced AND his work commitments are such that his business and therefore your family income could be significantly affected sometimes you just need to push through so he can work.

If what you are asking is the scenario where DH stays off work to allow you to recover then if I was him, and had watched you choose to do housework rather than go to bed when you had the option, I'd struggle to see why you were so ill I had to stay home from work to be fair. And I think that's what @HeddaGarbled meant.

LaughingCat · 26/02/2023 13:17

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 12:55

I meant *as a family

Rather than *as a company

Freudian slip. He is treating you like an employee, just another nanny. And apparently one without sick pay.

With the best will in the world, he needs to help you right now. You’re pregnant, ill, exhausted and need to recover. He needs to take a day off to look after his kid if the nannies don’t come through.

I mean…you’d do the same if he was ill, right?

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 26/02/2023 13:17

Lots of cross posts and now see business is at risk of going under. Sorry OP you need to push through on this and accept your recovery will take longer as a result.

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/02/2023 13:19

It's not childcare it's parenting. And yes if one parent is I'll the other one should go the parenting and care for you too.

LaughingCat · 26/02/2023 13:19

Gah, yes, cross-posting. If the business is at serious risk of going under, then yes, it sucks but his attention needs to be on that.

Why was he on a social visit in London if that was the case though?

Katela18 · 26/02/2023 13:20

Nanny0gg · 26/02/2023 13:13

But not if the business is going to go under.

Show quote history

Apologies just read that update! Shame it wasn't included in the OP.

Yes this obviously complicates things a little more and becomes much less clear cut on how the division should fall.

bellsbuss · 26/02/2023 13:21

Business has to come first as this is what is keeping a roof over your head

Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 13:25

@LaughingCat I think so. Of course I would look after him as well as the baby. He very rarely gets ill though thank god

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson yes I think you're probably right, it's not black and white as you outline, there are some grey areas where I do just need to suck it up. It's just been a bloody hard few months

We're going on holiday in a couple of weeks and spring is almost here, so hoping they'll be less bugs flying around. Also coming out of the first trimester soon so less morning sickness.

Need to sort out my immunity!

OP posts:
Original poster
winningeasy · 26/02/2023 13:27

@LaughingCat an engagement party of a friend on Saturday night. Unrelated to work. In diary for ages. Tbf I wasn't that ill when he left and thought the cold was subsiding, but how now developed a horrendous hacking cough. Obv cannot have any decent meds as I am pregnant

OP posts:
jannier · 26/02/2023 13:29

winningeasy · 26/02/2023 13:06

Yep I know I need to figure this out with him. It's just the lack of empathy that is making me super annoyed. Like I am not super human, sometimes I get ill and need to rest to recover, and that's impossible if you're parenting by yourself. We can't always rely on a child minder to cover us. Hopefully we can get a nursery place soon so we have more reliable options.

When I had norovirus I had to interrupt his zoom called plead with him to take the baby - shortly after I was projectile vomiting everywhere. It was very severe. Luckily the baby didn't get it.

DH is neuro diverse to add this to consideration. He is a really good man - obv not coming across that well here - but this does create challenges for us

You can't rely on any child care to cover your child being ill....you used nannies when you had nourovirus now they are both Ill...
Your child has picked up a lot of viruses associated with nursery unusual in nanny care.....he will get a lot more in nursery

diddl · 26/02/2023 13:29

You obviously feel too ill to look after your daughter otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

If he thinks you should be looking after your daughter then he needs to be stepping up big time so that you are doing next to nothing.

Ideally he would be working as little as possible to allow you to sleep as much as possible.

It's an absolute shit show of bad luck though.

Lachimolala · 26/02/2023 13:33

HeddaGarbled · 26/02/2023 12:56

He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework

I was on your side until I read that sentence. If I were your H that would piss me off: if you’re well enough to do housework, you’re well enough to do childcare.

You have horrifically low standards.