Should DH do childcare when I am ill?

[winningeasy]

I am in such pickle about this. I have a 16 month old who’s bringing lots of bugs in from playgroups. We can’t find a nursery place at the moment as there are huge shortages where I live, so we childcare split between two nannies. DH works full time about 40 hours a week, and I work 20-25 a week ideally, both from home. Unfortunately both our nannies were sick last week (or had sick children to look after), and then my daughter got sick, and now I am sick. I have been sick on/off all year - hand foot & mouth, severe norovirus, tonsillitis, sinusitis, flu, another stomach bug, now another cold and bad cough. I am also 10 week’s pregnant and have quite bad morning sickness. DH has gone off to London for a social thing last night (which was planned, and he hardly sees his friends) and just got back. I’ve had the baby most of the week when I’ve been ill, hardly worked at all, and now on the weekend. DH seems firm he won’t take time off to look after the baby (who is also sick) during the week, and it’s down to me even if I am sick to look after her if I our childcare lets us down. We’ve had a massive disagreement about this this week. He works for himself, and there’s a lot going on right now so I see his perspective. He took her out for a few hours yesterday to give me a break to be fair, but I spent most that time catching up on housework.

You have a nanny for 15-20 hours a week when you aren't working. No, I don't think your DH needs to take further time off work. Between your husband already taking her for stretches and your nanny giving you 15-20 childless hours a week - that is plenty.

Yes, the fact that the business that supports you all is struggling complicates things.
The fact that he is neurodiverse and may need things spelled out (rather than intuitively know them) is also a bit of a drip feed.

@jannier she goes to various play groups / soft play so that's where she picks stuff up, much the same as nursery. I take her swimming as well. One nanny was off looking after her daughter who had a sore throat, another nanny off because she had a knee issue. When I had norovirus, I isolated for 3 days - neither husband or baby got it thank god. We are very careful when it's something very catching and severe like that, and also test for covid if we have a sniffle. But if she has just got a cold, I am less careful myself, she is at an age where she is climbing all over me etc

@musingsinmidlife both nannies were out last week due to sickness / child sickness

When ours were little I worked 3 days a week and Dh worked (nearly) full time.

Our agreement was that if something that meant off for a week (eg chicken pox) then I would cover 1 day and Dh would cover two. (With my days off covering the other two.) This meant that I would only ever miss 33% of work and him 40% of work.

Often though we would do things like I would arrive at the office at 6:59am (office opens at 7am) and leave about 1pm and go home. Dh would then get to his office by 2pm and be thrown out by security at 8pm.

If I was ill during the then Dh would take time off if necessary although we would try and avoid it no he would catch up in the evenings. Easier when he was ill. (Although still hard in the years when we had one in school and one in nursery in opposite directions and we used to do one drop off each.) During the weekend whoever was healthy would try and get the ill one to rest as much as possible. (To try and avoid illness during the week.)

It is a short period of time that it is really tough for. But the repercussions if one of you doesn’t pull their weight will last a lot longer. (Dh did not do his share with dd’s awful sleep issues when she was a baby / toddler and there is still damage to our marriage as a result - Dd is nearly a teen!)

When I read the title I was ready to comment Yes. Now reading the thread, still yes however, if you're ill and DC and nannies are not then there'd be no reason for him to take time off.
Also he would not be providing childcare, he'd be parenting.
Joys of the preschool bugs. Mine picked up everything and liked to pass it on... improved quite a bit now - he's 3.5

Considering you rely on his income and his business is at risk of going under, I don't think he should be taking time off work unless there is absolutely no other option.

You seem a bit detached from his business and how much it's struggling, when the reality seems to be that you'd be absolutely fucked without it.

Yes, it's not nice caring for DC solo when you're unwell, but I think with your set-up, there's not really much choice.

I'm also bewhderded as to how you can go off on holiday when things are so serious...

Horrified you even have to ask. Parenting is 50/50 always for us

Please do not have any more children with this 'man'. To be honest I would be surprised if you even shared a bed with him after this.

Wish I’d known about Mumsnet when I had to put up with this crap

Take the advice your getting here OP, or he’ll just get worse

@Mumoftwoinprimary sounds like you guys really pulled together as a team as they got a bit older. Thanks for sharing. I realise it's all temporary and they won't always be this small and germy.

I realise we need to get a proper agreement in place for eventualities like this especially as we'll have two under two soon

How is he taking the best part of £90k (minimum) out of a failing company? 🤔

@Chequers1 too late, I'm pregnant

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts not detached, but this has been going on for last few months since the disastrous mini budget / economic fall out of that, before that they were doing really well and luckily have a lot of funds to cover them for foreseeable. But have had to make a lot of lay offs. It's a hard time. We have been together a long time and see these peaks and troughs, for instance when covid hit. Tbh I am more focused on making things nice for DD day to day. Same reason why I avoid the news, what's the point of negging myself about something I had zero control over.

@Nanny0gg a few days in centre parcs, nothing too crazy - think we both need a holiday after a shit few months

I may be a bit against the grain here.

If one parent is off work sick but able to manage, even if it’s not a great experience, then I wouldn’t expect the second parent to jeopardize family income by taking time off too.

Different matter if parent is too sick to take care of the DC’s basic needs.

Different matter if parent is sick but would be working if there was childcare and second parent is just insisting first parent is the only one who jeopardizes career when there are childcare problems. In some families there is an understanding that one parent is the main earner and the other parent takes all the hits to their career that young children seem to bring with them. But that has to be a mutual decision as has big risks for the parent that takes all the career hits.

He should be parenting his own child not gallivanting off with friends.

@winningeasy congratulations on your pregnancy. What kind of father have you chosen for your two children? Happy with your choice?

In general I'd agree that both parents rally round to cover illness.

But in this case, there are 2 nannies potentially available and if the business is doing badly then supporting that to keep the majority of the family money coming in, is more important.

If OP is truly unable to literally do anything (so certainly not well enough for housework) and both nannies are ill, then this might have to be revisited.

She means he wouldn't be providing childcare by looking after his own child, it's just his parental responsibility. Your OH needs to step up and help out more. Things are only going to get more difficult when you have two babies to look after!

He's back now and has taken the baby for the rest of the day whilst I rest

That's good

Really as you are 10 weeks pg if you are too I'll to care for an ill Ds whilst he goes to work
Then he's not looking after DD for you he's caring for his own child who is ill. Whilst you rest to recover

He should be an equal parent , childcare when you work is not all your responsibility unless you decide that's what you'd prefer to do as he earns more. If you say "I can't do it tomorrow, I need to sleep and rest" then that's enough that he should take day off

It depends on how well you feel and your choice as much as his. I struggle to see how he's a kind good father if he ignores your needs as a pregnant wife and his child's needs to be cared for well, if he dictates to you that he won't do his share.

It depends, if you’re unwell but able to do housework then you’re able to look after the kids.

You and your child rely on his income to survive, the priority should be the business if it’s at risk.

If you’re very unwell (so the norovirus as an example) then yes he should have been doing more to support

He is ND, as is my DH so sometimes things need to be explicitly asked not just assume they’ll know.

This last bit is slightly off.

Surely the fact they’re at risk of losing their main source of income means that yes, he might prioritise that over a slightly unwell wife who is able to do housework (so not bedbound)

I meant Dd not Ds sorry

It's ok to negotiate if you feel you are up to caring for dd whilst also being unwell at home, but if you're not - it's even more important he takes equal responsibility and takes day off to care for his own toddler child

I’m a SAHM and dp can’t just stay home if I’m sick and don’t have any childcare 🤷‍♀️ I had hand, foot and mouth last month and changing nappies and looking after ds wasn’t the easiest but I did it because that’s just what you do as a parent 🤷‍♀️ Dp did everything he could when he wasn’t working though so maybe that’s the difference you need?

@Chequers1

Well aren't you an absolute delight. Presumably she is happy. She has said he is very hands on when he is home from work. If he was to miss work to look after DC whilst OP is ill then there would be no income. So if she is able to she needs to look DC even if its only duvet days and tv. I am sure she would prefer that than not being able to feed her DC