To think my brother didn’t deserve to die

[Azurehawker]

My brother died of an accidental drug overdose last month, he was 41 years old. When he died the attitude of a lot of people seems to be that this is what is expected when someone has been a heroin user most of their life, and it was choices he made that lead to his death so there is no one to blame for this but him. I have to admit that to me this felt almost inevitable given how he lived his life and part of me is angry that he let this happen.

Although he was once popular and well liked by the time he died he had few real friends left, some having died already or not been able to stay in contact with him in case it jeopardised their own attempts at staying off heroin. Some people just didn’t want to be around him anymore, by the time he was in his late 30s my brother was a very obvious drug user. If you met him you would probably label him as a ‘junkie’ straight away.

However he had managed to hold down a job and work most of his life. Although people knew about his drug addiction, they also knew he was a hard worker and respected him for that. He had some minor convictions for drug related crime although he had never been to prison or been convicted of a violent crime.

He openly admitted he had mental health problems, and was severely depressed. We knew that he spent his adult life trying and failing to beat his drug addiction and we tried to support him as best we could while not actually enabling him to continue taking drugs.

We had what you might call a ‘difficult’ childhood and my brother became a troubled teen, he didn’t do well at school, he got into fights and was involved with gangs, took party drugs, shoplifted etc. He and his friends were targeted by much older members of a county lines gang who introduced them to heroin, they all became addicts although many of them eventually got clean and went on to live normal lives.

When people ask how he died I sometimes lie and tell them the cause of death is ‘unexplained’ because telling them he died of a heroin overdose instantly labels him as a ‘junkie’ and in most people’s eyes a waste of space, undeserving of sympathy and respect, a person who’s life was worth nothing compared to someone who has bravely fought and lost their life to cancer or another more socially acceptable illness.

AIBU to believe that the death of my funny, kind and caring brother was a tragedy, that he was a person who was deeply depressed and damaged by a traumatic childhood, from the moment he was introduced to heroin he never really had a hope of beating drug addiction, although he tried. And that he didn’t deserve to live his life like this or to die.

I know where you’re coming from OP, my younger brother died of a fatal fentanyl overdose aged 25, it was three days before his 26th birthday. I’m very careful with whom I give the full details to, because I know he’ll be judged as will my family and I.

If people ask what happened whom I’m not particularly comfortable with, then I’ll just say “he died in his sleep” and offer nothing else. It is true that he died in his sleep, he smoked Fentanyl before bed, and just never woke up again.

This is a tragedy to me and always will be, I knew him as a bright, engaging, charming young man who was totally capable of absolutely huge things. I’m sad that our matching mother wounds led him to that place and he didn’t get the opportunity to heal before drugs found him.

@Namechange10101010 she ended up leaving the public hospital system because sick of it, and setting up her own multidisciplinary private practice (not with horrendous prices though), where the patients had both ‘regular’ psychologist and psychiatrist appointments, and some with her. I’m unsure she would have been able to do it without her reputation, but patients flock to her, she’s wonderful, I fully agree with her approach of its better to talk to a relatively drunk for ex patient (I believe there are limits at the time of arrival to the consult though obviously, but not completely sober for a month, or what’s the point?) about their lives and past traumas, than just leaving them to figure it out). Love this girl, she has a crazy waiting list

Exactly, isn’t it a a frequent life dream to live this life ?
idiots

Sorry for your loss OP.

My friend's nephew died suddenly of a cocaine overdose & it's devastated his whole family.

I hate hearing people trivialising the dangers of cocaine in particular.
It was one of many drugs he'd been addicted to but the truth is that even a first time user would have died suddenly from having a line of that batch of cocaine - it was from China & had been cut with a deadly substance.

I also went to school with some lads who became heroin addicts & one has sadly died recently, he was a good looking, pleasant & intelligent individual but with an awful addiction.

I hate to be pedantic on a thread like this but it's Naloxone, not Naltrexone. Naltrexone is for alcohol misuse. Preoxnad is correct though.

@Azurehawker I am so sorry for your loss. I work with a charity who supports drug and alcohol users. Sadly, I don't think there is much knowledge around the support available.

You deserve to remember your brother and your brother deserves to be remembered.

His life absolutely had value. I am so so sorry for your loss. From what I know addiction IS an illness, although you don’t have to ‘justify’ anything to anyone. Sending love to you and your brother, I hope he’s at peace 🌸

11% of people ticked YABU- the brother deserved to die?

Edgelords.

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP. My brother is an addict too, alcohol and cocaine, and I so miss the brother I knew.
He now has a myriad of health conditions including irreparable damage to his aorta, and I dread the inevitable.

I'm sorry for your loss op

I also have a brother who is a drug addict. We had a difficult childhood also, parts of it was horrendous. I'm one of five children, my brother is the only one who is a drug addict.

I think he uses his childhood as an excuse for his shirty behaviour and when I look back now to the young person he was before the drugs I can see that he was a bad person.

On the drugs he did awful things to me and my whole family, I could write a book.

I'm sorry your brother couldn't beat his addiction. Your last paragraph is heartbreaking and I'm sending you lots of love x

My dad was a heroin and crack cocaine user and it is also what ended up killing him too.

You have every right to remember him how you want to. To tell people what you feel comfortable with and see it how you see it. Just because of that drug doesn’t mean he wasn’t your brother.

My dad did let this drug become more important than us, infact he used to lock me in as a child go and get a hit block his bedroom door off so we couldn’t get in and then he’d get his fix. I used to go home vomiting.

My dad also ended up having 3 cardiac arrests ended up on the ward I worked on at the hospital with problems and that was the one and only time I looked after him in his life. He tried to walk out the hospital without saying goodbye and if he hadnt of said goodbye I’d never of seen him again until he was on the slab in the mortuary.

my dad and your brother didn’t choose this life and that’s the thing, it takes a while to come to terms with and be at peace with in your own right and your own way. It took me ages to forgive my dad who was already dead for not being able to choose his 4 children over drugs. You will become at peace with this soon and everything will settle but never listen to anybody else.