To think my brother didn’t deserve to die

[Azurehawker]

My brother died of an accidental drug overdose last month, he was 41 years old. When he died the attitude of a lot of people seems to be that this is what is expected when someone has been a heroin user most of their life, and it was choices he made that lead to his death so there is no one to blame for this but him. I have to admit that to me this felt almost inevitable given how he lived his life and part of me is angry that he let this happen.

Although he was once popular and well liked by the time he died he had few real friends left, some having died already or not been able to stay in contact with him in case it jeopardised their own attempts at staying off heroin. Some people just didn’t want to be around him anymore, by the time he was in his late 30s my brother was a very obvious drug user. If you met him you would probably label him as a ‘junkie’ straight away.

However he had managed to hold down a job and work most of his life. Although people knew about his drug addiction, they also knew he was a hard worker and respected him for that. He had some minor convictions for drug related crime although he had never been to prison or been convicted of a violent crime.

He openly admitted he had mental health problems, and was severely depressed. We knew that he spent his adult life trying and failing to beat his drug addiction and we tried to support him as best we could while not actually enabling him to continue taking drugs.

We had what you might call a ‘difficult’ childhood and my brother became a troubled teen, he didn’t do well at school, he got into fights and was involved with gangs, took party drugs, shoplifted etc. He and his friends were targeted by much older members of a county lines gang who introduced them to heroin, they all became addicts although many of them eventually got clean and went on to live normal lives.

When people ask how he died I sometimes lie and tell them the cause of death is ‘unexplained’ because telling them he died of a heroin overdose instantly labels him as a ‘junkie’ and in most people’s eyes a waste of space, undeserving of sympathy and respect, a person who’s life was worth nothing compared to someone who has bravely fought and lost their life to cancer or another more socially acceptable illness.

AIBU to believe that the death of my funny, kind and caring brother was a tragedy, that he was a person who was deeply depressed and damaged by a traumatic childhood, from the moment he was introduced to heroin he never really had a hope of beating drug addiction, although he tried. And that he didn’t deserve to live his life like this or to die.

Poor soul.

I hope he has finally found his peace and I hope you can find yours.

I am so sorry for your loss. 💐

Yes, Prenoxad/Naloxone needs to be administered as soon as possible, and then one MUST call an ambulance.

Methadone and buprenorphine overdoses may need repeated doses of Prenoxad/naloxone

However, Naloxone saves lives.

So sorry for your loss OP.

He certainly didn’t deserve to die. Neither did my nephew who also died of a heroin overdose. He was 32 years old.

For anyone who may come across an overdosed person:

This is being given out to the Community to save more lives.

www.prenoxadinjection.com/medical/abt_naloxone.html

I’m sorry about the sad loss of your brother and that he didn’t get the support he needed to deal with his difficult past. As someone who had a difficult childhood myself I can understand why people are drawn to drugs and particularly heroin as a of coping. I could have easily gone down this route myself if I’d grown up in a city where access to drugs was more widely available.

Yes, very worth mentioning.
Unfortunately it’s rare for people to be found in time, I just got lucky with my friend, they struggled like hell to reanimate me, or I was long gone.

Op I'm so sorry for you loss.

My bil died 4 years ago and was an alcoholic. I think one of the saddest things of the 'what did he expect' attitude is that it attempts to minimalist your grief almost brush it under the carpet. I think it's an excuse for some people when they don't know what to say.

First and foremost he was your brother that you loved. Hold onto that. He wasn't just an addict. X

I lost a very loving cousin who was training to be a nurse to a heroin OD it really was accidental. Sorry for your loss OP I really am.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother, OP. My brother died prematurely also (aged 31) and I can relate in terms of feeling protective about him and his cause of death.

I am probably quite naive when it comes to drugs. Despite that, I just think it's desperately sad for any life to be extinguished prematurely. In my mind drugs seem to be a coping mechanism in a lot of cases, and yes an unhealthy one, but a way out of sheer desperation to want to be able to cope and stick around longer. I have no doubt there would be a very strong relationship between mental health issues and drug use. And it feels like mental health support in this nation is so poor due to a lack of resource.

I'm rambling, what I really wanted to say was being so naive about drugs, I'm probably someone who could be perceived to be very judgemental. However, I just think it is so desperately sad and that your brother was let down in so many ways. The word 'junkie' doesn't even come to mind. I expect plenty of others would think as I do, and that it is just your closeness to the situation which makes you worry so much about what others think. But I really don't think that's as accurate as your brain might make you believe x

I’m so sorry for your loss, it is admiral that your brother fought so hard to try beat his addiction and also worked during this whilst living with a mental health condition. I hope he is at peace xx

my mum was a heroin addict and I had a pretty brutal childhood because of it however my experience is completely different from yours in that she didn’t want or try to get better and blamed everyone else, in the end she managed to come off the heroin but died a couple of years ago from an alcohol addiction. No one wants to be like that but I lost respect for her because she never even once tried to stop even after being offered the best rehab money could buy and the support of a very loving family. Addiction is so sad, no one wants to live like that and I salute anyone who tries to get better and crawl back from such a dark place

sending you my love and wishes

OP I am so, so sorry for the loss of your lovely brother. I am a retired police officer and I retired 6 years ago. Up until about three years ago I would have thought your brother brought this in himself because my job was to arrest him and get the big guns. Since being out of the police my eyes have been opened, I always believed it was a choice, you take drugs you deserve the consequences, I'm not sure if one incident t changed me, maybe being away for a few years has made me more tolerant, not so much.. it's a crime, you are to blame time thing. But reading your post made me cry, I am so so sorry that I would have judged him and wouldn't have even seen him as the living funny caring man that he was. I promise you I'm doing better, and my judgement is a fault with me, not your brither x

I wouldn’t excuse it as don’t know what to say, either they offer condolences for his illness, or f*uck the hell off.

At least that’s what I always tried to teach my kids in care : it’s an illness, anyone who says otherwise isn’t worth your time (bit trickier with the teens, got a few punches from them to people who reacted like idiots, it was really hard to manage ; no serious injuries or convictions fortunately, but we did have to have really serious conversations with the older ones about criminal convictions for assault). It’s so hard

Completely agree, it’s admirable he tried so hard.
I was taken into care at 10 because it became obvious my mother just wasn’t bothered (never ever accepted any suggestions of help).

I'm really sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like your brother struggled with pain all through his life, a soul deep sadness. I'm not religious, but I hope his soul is at peace now.
It must be an enormously heavy grief for you. A family friend struggled with addiction and died accidentally in his 30s. I had little to no contact directly in adulthood, but I feel so filled with sadness when I think of him because I remember him as a very regular part of my childhood and I can't believe he's gone, that boy I knew. I can only imagine when it's your brother, the life connection there

It's a difficult grief as there's stigma and fear around the way he died.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and I can hear from your words that the sadness you are carrying is so heavy, so be kind to yourself and consider seeking support with others who have been there xx

His death is a tragedy no less than anyone else dying young from something horrible they couldn't overcome. Although there is stigma attached to drug overdose, many more people these days realise it's a disease just like any other mental illness (with very real physical elements). I'm so sorry for your loss.

Love your post as you mention not knowing much.
I think a lot has been said already, so I won’t repeat, but the world needs more people like you

Agree, I wish that laws could change, more could be done to stop imports of heroin and contraversially that addicts were classed as lacking capacity due to the strength of their addiction. I'm not in the camp that thinks it's an illness, addiction is a strong enough term for me and starts with a choice unlike illness - respect those who disagree.

Name changed as I'd never say this in real life but if the addict in my life died I would be devastated but also relieved and think finally he is at peace. He is also functioning most of the time - unable to work due to the damage done to his body, diagnosed with mental illness due to childhood trauma, decent periods of clean time then relapses, begs for rehab, but instead forced onto high doses of methadone. (family pay for rehab when we can which gives him his life back, unlike methadone which dulls)

My sympathies for your loss.

Yanbu I'm so sorry for your loss iv struggled with addiction and I know how judgemental people can be. Your brother deserved better 🥺

I’m sorry to hear you had such a difficult time too, if I didn’t have such a solid dad I would have ended up in care too.

Now that I am a parent I can’t imagine not even at least trying for my son to get better, I suppose I will never understand how she felt as luckily I haven’t battled any addictions but from the outside she came accords as cold, uncaring and very indifferent that her 3 weren’t in her life.

I hope you have still managed to do ok in life despite your mums actions xx

3 children that should have said x

People always ask how someone died when they die young don’t they? I think their main motivation is to look for a reason why it can’t happen to them..

’Drug addict? Oh well then.’ (Won’t happen to me)
’Heart Attack? Didn’t her dad have heart problems?’ (Won’t happen to me)
’Cancer? Oh and her sister had it?’ (Won’t happen to me)

You’re absolutely right to love and protect your brother & his memory - ‘people’ generally haven’t got a clue and I’m really sorry things didn’t work out differently.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Addiction is an illness. I'm so sorry that your brother wasn't able to get the better of that illness, but it wasn't his fault and of course he didn't deserve to die. His life was as valuable as anyone else's. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with some stupid, insensitive people who clearly don't understand what they're saying.

Depending on the drug, and especially if introduced young, it very quickly rewires your brain.
OP’mentioned gangs, they’ll give you the worst ones to keep clients.
I disagree with your position about it being an illness, but respect it in the way you see it, but isn’t that also true for many illnesses (obesity etc) that have much less stigma ?

I'm so sorry for your loss op and that your brother's life was so tough.

I have been a mental health nurse for over 30 years and have been involved with countless addicts who die prematurely. I have over the years formed a view on why so few people manage to beat the addiction and treatment offered fails so often. We know that most addicts have experienced trauma of some kind and need help with that but my view is that there is too great an expectation on addicts to make wise choices. I believe that if as a society we had legislation which allowed HCPs to have more power to enforce rehabilitation programs ( not just brief detox) which lasted 6-12 months there would be a greater long term success in people being able to stay off alcohol/ drugs. Addicts don't really fall under the powers of the MHA or MCA or if they do it is for a brief period. As soon as a person is deemed to have capacity they are free to make unwise decisions. I am aware that enforced treatment is abhorrent to the majority but the system in place now relies too much on addicts making sensible choices. In my role as a mental health liaison nurse we see addicts repeatedly in ED or on the general hospital wards withdrawing and know that many will be dead soon. There are people in their late teens/ early 20's who are known to services, have drug/ alcohol workers supporting them but still die and no one is surprised. There is no simple solution but current systems are not working and an alternative would require a complete change and have huge cost implications , making it very unlikely.