To think my brother didn’t deserve to die

[Azurehawker]

My brother died of an accidental drug overdose last month, he was 41 years old. When he died the attitude of a lot of people seems to be that this is what is expected when someone has been a heroin user most of their life, and it was choices he made that lead to his death so there is no one to blame for this but him. I have to admit that to me this felt almost inevitable given how he lived his life and part of me is angry that he let this happen.

Although he was once popular and well liked by the time he died he had few real friends left, some having died already or not been able to stay in contact with him in case it jeopardised their own attempts at staying off heroin. Some people just didn’t want to be around him anymore, by the time he was in his late 30s my brother was a very obvious drug user. If you met him you would probably label him as a ‘junkie’ straight away.

However he had managed to hold down a job and work most of his life. Although people knew about his drug addiction, they also knew he was a hard worker and respected him for that. He had some minor convictions for drug related crime although he had never been to prison or been convicted of a violent crime.

He openly admitted he had mental health problems, and was severely depressed. We knew that he spent his adult life trying and failing to beat his drug addiction and we tried to support him as best we could while not actually enabling him to continue taking drugs.

We had what you might call a ‘difficult’ childhood and my brother became a troubled teen, he didn’t do well at school, he got into fights and was involved with gangs, took party drugs, shoplifted etc. He and his friends were targeted by much older members of a county lines gang who introduced them to heroin, they all became addicts although many of them eventually got clean and went on to live normal lives.

When people ask how he died I sometimes lie and tell them the cause of death is ‘unexplained’ because telling them he died of a heroin overdose instantly labels him as a ‘junkie’ and in most people’s eyes a waste of space, undeserving of sympathy and respect, a person who’s life was worth nothing compared to someone who has bravely fought and lost their life to cancer or another more socially acceptable illness.

AIBU to believe that the death of my funny, kind and caring brother was a tragedy, that he was a person who was deeply depressed and damaged by a traumatic childhood, from the moment he was introduced to heroin he never really had a hope of beating drug addiction, although he tried. And that he didn’t deserve to live his life like this or to die.

Yes/no/maybe/sometimes YANBU I could have written your post about my own brother (except he's still alive - for now). He (my brother) made bad choices, but no, no one deserves addiction and all that comes with it. The quality of mercy is not strained. I do still get angry - very angry sometimes - with him. But I also feel huge sadness that things have turned out this way. And anger at a system and society that helps keeps him alive, just, but doesn't offer the support he needs to recover (and then angry at him again because he won't take what little inadequate help there is).

So sorry for your loss 💐

Of course it’s a tragedy, and you and your brother are worthy of compassion. I am sorry to read about his struggles - he sounds like a well meaning gentle soul. He isn’t defined by his struggles or addictions, or his passing. He’s much more than that.

YANBU. People don't choose addiction. So sorry OP.

So sorry for your loss. No one chooses to become addicted to hard drugs, it's wrong that some see it as a choice or moral weakness, there is always some underlying issue, such as mental health problems or past trauma. Most of the heroin users I have known or known of were intelligent, kind and sensitive people.
I hope writing this out has given you some measure of peace, it sounds like you truly loved and supported your brother.

Youre not unreasonable in the slightest. I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry about your brother😔 I can relate to this. I've lost multiple family members to addiction and likely will lose more. I tell myself at least they are out of pain now and can understand not wanting to explain how he died to people. People talk and probably know anyway and I just tell myself it's not worth my time or energy explaining anything to anyone. Keep your energy for yourself for your healing journey 😘

Your brother didn’t deserve to die.

I am so utterly sorry the he, and others like him, have been let down by supports that should be there. Addiction is often trauma based, and folk can’t access mental health supports unless their addiction is dealt with and and so the circle continues to turn.

So completely and utterly sorry for your loss.

It’s so tragic sorry to hear this. I do think addiction is an illness may he rest in peace

Of course your brother didn't deserve to die at such a young age, nor did you deserve to have to cope with his loss.

Life isn't easy and we all cope with it in our own ways. So sorry for your loss x

All lives are precious except perhaps those that take advantage of vulnerable souls like your brother, OP, purely for profit.
If you feel he will be judged then you are fully justified in fudging the cause of his death. He was fortunate to have such a caring and non judgemental sister as yourself.

And if anyone minimises or diminishes your grief in any way, or is judgemental about your brother, well, that says a whole lot about how nasty, unpleasant and narrow minded they are. And they can f* right off. You can share as much or as little as you choose with your wider circle, you don’t owe them explanations or justifications. Most people are decent and compassionate, it’s unlikely they’re judging.

Sorry for your loss.
I am glad to see the support you are receiving from posts so far.
There is so much judgement around addiction on this forum…..in particular, ‘alcoholic husbands’ get slated time and time again. I fully accept that addiction is tough on families but I’ve lost count of the times I’ve read ‘Your husband/partner with a drink problem is selfish and needs to stop’.

I am so sorry for your loss and the feelings you now have around this. Addiction is a illness and comes under the Mental Health umbrella. As someone has already mentioned is it usually as a result of unresolved childhood trauma. Not everyone will understand the circumstances around this and many don't want to until it directly affects them.

Try to concentrate on your own grief and don't feel that you have to defend or explain your brothers actions to everyone. It will leave you frustrated and upset. In the kindest of ways what other people think is none of your business. What I mean by that is you cannot control the actions or thoughts of others. Don't let how he died taint your fond memories of him and who he was underneath the disease of addiction. Try not to get too involved in any discussions you are not comfortable with. A death is a death no matter what the cause and once again I am sorry for your loss. x

I’m sorry about your loss, OP. You sound like a loving and devoted sister, so at least he had that in his life, and must have felt some happiness from being loved.

so sorry for your loss no he didn't deserve to die and may he rest in peace

YANBU. I have lots of sympathy.
I had a close friend die of drug addiction. It is a tragedy, not just of their death but all the years of addiction, pain and suffering to themselves and others leading up to it.

So it’s one of the most sad, poignant and heart breaking tragic deaths that can be, especially as it cuts their life short.

I think what people express is just we are not great around death as it is, and one that is around addiction - well people can just express things not very sympathetically sometimes to be honest in our ‘social script’. People who know you OP should really get it. But it’s also one of the awful things about addiction, the people around it are also isolated in their feelings - as it’s not ‘OK’ as you said to share them sometimes. Not like someone dying of cancer, where everyone would be more accepting, but in reality probably also feeling quite awkward around the conversation with you.

Grieving takes a long time with addiction I think, it’s harder to process as so many conflicting and sad feelings about the person. So give yourself a long time and know that several us do know what you are going through.

@Azurehawker I'm so sorry about the loss of your Brother.
In my experience, NO one takes heroin habitually unless there is emotional pain in their lives.
Heroin use crosses all social boundaries and the trouble with it is the 'illegality'.
When Diamorphine is prescribed, overdoses are very unusual.

It's worth knowing that Naltrexone Prenoxad [the antidote to heroin/opioid overdose] is available to the general public to use against someone who has suffered an overdose, either by injection, or nasal spray.
It is quite safe.

I don't blame you for not wanting to tell people how your Brother died, just say ''Unexplained''.

I lost a friend in his Forties {not a heroin user} and his cause of death came back as ''Inconclusive''.

Just tell people ''Inconclusive''.
It's none of their business.

Hope your Brother is at peace now, as with my friend.

It usually as a result of unresolved childhood trauma

Absolutely.

Heroin is a substance that soothes all pain, magically. {In the beginning, at least}.
Contented people don't really like the effects of opiates that much.

This is so true. All the ‘he’s putting alcohol before you and your family, selfish’.

Your brain is rewired and there is barely any help.

I worked with children in care for over a decade, and believe me so many parents wanted so hard to heal to get their children back ( they are given a chance if they remain sober etc) and it just so often couldn’t happen, it was heartbreaking.
My main sentence was (adapted to age, I was mostly with the young ones) was mummy / daddy has an illness that the doctors are trying very hard to help with f*ck all, with the teens it was very focused on rewirîng of the brain, that it wasn’t a choice) but sadly for this illness there isn’t a medication

Someone very close to me was a heroin addict and ended up in prison but is now- thankfully- clean.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Yanbu in the slightest and I’m sorry your brother didn’t make it. He did not deserve to die 💐💐💐

I had a friend at university many years ago who died of a heroin overdose. He wasn't a junky, it was the second time he'd tried it.

The lack of compassion and 'oh well what did he expect if he was doing that' type responses were astounding. So I know a little of what you are saying.

Of course your brother didn't deserve to die. But unfortunately you'll encounter this attitude so I wouldn't tell people the whole story unless you have to.

So sorry for your loss, OP. Addiction's a bitch and it's really hard to get effective help. So sad.

I lost a very dear friend to addiction (alcohol) a few years ago. It's especially heartbreaking, I think.

Unfortunately medical intervention for overdose needs to happen very quickly.
When I was ICU (for complications of pneumonia because of the waiting times to see a specialist), I just got lucky that a friend who had my key wanted a cigarette because she had run out, and found me unconscious. Critical emergency, 1h30 for an ambulance. I survived by a thread, then there was all the analysis for oxygen lack for all organs)

A local drugs project may help you with your grief ? {Depending what Country/County you are in}

They may well have counselling for relatives.

There absolutely will be NO judgement.

I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a lovely man in spite of all he went through. I hope you can hold on to the memories of the brother you loved, rising above the ignorance of other people's judgement. I wish you all the love and strength you need to get you through.