To think my brother didn’t deserve to die

[Azurehawker]

My brother died of an accidental drug overdose last month, he was 41 years old. When he died the attitude of a lot of people seems to be that this is what is expected when someone has been a heroin user most of their life, and it was choices he made that lead to his death so there is no one to blame for this but him. I have to admit that to me this felt almost inevitable given how he lived his life and part of me is angry that he let this happen.

Although he was once popular and well liked by the time he died he had few real friends left, some having died already or not been able to stay in contact with him in case it jeopardised their own attempts at staying off heroin. Some people just didn’t want to be around him anymore, by the time he was in his late 30s my brother was a very obvious drug user. If you met him you would probably label him as a ‘junkie’ straight away.

However he had managed to hold down a job and work most of his life. Although people knew about his drug addiction, they also knew he was a hard worker and respected him for that. He had some minor convictions for drug related crime although he had never been to prison or been convicted of a violent crime.

He openly admitted he had mental health problems, and was severely depressed. We knew that he spent his adult life trying and failing to beat his drug addiction and we tried to support him as best we could while not actually enabling him to continue taking drugs.

We had what you might call a ‘difficult’ childhood and my brother became a troubled teen, he didn’t do well at school, he got into fights and was involved with gangs, took party drugs, shoplifted etc. He and his friends were targeted by much older members of a county lines gang who introduced them to heroin, they all became addicts although many of them eventually got clean and went on to live normal lives.

When people ask how he died I sometimes lie and tell them the cause of death is ‘unexplained’ because telling them he died of a heroin overdose instantly labels him as a ‘junkie’ and in most people’s eyes a waste of space, undeserving of sympathy and respect, a person who’s life was worth nothing compared to someone who has bravely fought and lost their life to cancer or another more socially acceptable illness.

AIBU to believe that the death of my funny, kind and caring brother was a tragedy, that he was a person who was deeply depressed and damaged by a traumatic childhood, from the moment he was introduced to heroin he never really had a hope of beating drug addiction, although he tried. And that he didn’t deserve to live his life like this or to die.

I find it astonishing how so many people can just write off a life ,because the person died of something else than the "permitted route"of illness or accident.I feel your loss .A relation took their own life a couple of years ago ,and people didnt understand .He was depressed with many issues.People can be very cruel. Drugs are very difficult to move away from .

Both my brothers were drug addicts for portions of their life. They are now both clean. Similar to yours, they always had jobs and supported themselves. Were kind and caring through their drug use, although I didn’t speak to them for long periods of time because they just wouldn’t talk to family members. One brother really had a hard time quitting but he did it. I’m really proud of both of them. You have my deepest sympathies.

Addiction is an illness and, like many illnesses, the chance of recovery depends on many factors that the sufferer can’t control.

Your brother didn’t recover and that is tragic. I’m so so sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry. Death is hard no matter what the circumstances are. Hope you have lots of support

I'm so sorry for your loss @Azurehawker

It is traumatic. You know why he struggled with addiction , what his childhood was like and empathised with him

He's still your brother and his death affects you same as if he died any other route. I wouldn't share how he died with other people I'd you find most people are judgy. The fact is he died and you miss him. Some people do drugs and alcohol to escape painful feelings. It's never as simple as " choosing to be an addict"

Yanbu to feel angry at the world having lost your DBro
It's a normal part of grief complicated by the fact he may have died of an accidental overdose. The coroner may give you a different cause of death eg heart or organ failure (that may be related to drug misuse) and maybe that's ultimately what you tell people going forward without the drug part. That's your DBros private business you don't have to over explain to random people

Of course he didn't deserve to die. And his loss is a tragedy. He was too young and it was before his time.

As I always say to any people who judge.
Do you really think that person chose to become an addict to drugs/alcohol and normally end up homeless on the streets ?

Never judge others as you could easily be next, given the right circumstances.

So very sorry for you OP and all others who's lives are blighted by addiction.

My Dsis died of aggressive cancer. Everyone has been sympathetic. My friends 's DBro and another friend's adult DS died of suicide and overdose. But the reality is whatever had caused Dsis and their DS and DBro to die , we each face the same loss, same devastation, and there is no difference to our grief. We each have regrets we couldn't stop it.

In some ways my two friends face a more complicated grieving process than I do/ did, precisely because they wish they had known earlier and could have prevented it. It makes for a head f-ck of angst and even more frantic wishing to go back to change the outcome. Complex grief is always harder to get over (if you ever do) as it's harder to process. It's the ruminating that gets to you of what should I have done differently, then "If Only"s.

All our friendship groups are as kind and sympathetic to my friends as they are to me. So luckily I haven't seen any unkindness. Obvs everyone is even more mindful and thoughtful over a longer period of time to the friend who lost her young adult son to OD bc that was her son. She hasn't said if there has been any judgement from any individuals. I can imagine she'd make short shrift of anyone being dismissive as would all of us, as our hearts go out to her same as if any other illness took him. None of it is fair.

There is always a bigger picture.... you're brother mattered, I'm sorry x

So glad to see that most on here are good hearted. If you want to tell us more about your brother and what he meant to you, we will listen.

I’m so sorry about your brother, how painful for you. I can hear how sad you are. YANBU at all to be choosy about what you tell people.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable.
How insensitive for people to suggest otherwise.
I'd be so upset if my brother died, and wouldn't think he deserved it no matter what the cause.

I have had mood swings so bad that I've thought of trying heroin, I can understand why someone would although I have never done it.

No one deserves to die that way. Anyone who says they do is just ignorant of the causes and issues around addiction. No one wakes up and decides to be a heroin addict one day.
Im so sorry you lost him ❤️

It's a tragedy and so unbelievably sad that he had such a difficult life. Wishing you love and peace to you, and strength to come to terms with your loss.

People can be so judgemental, but ignore them. They clearly have no experience of how hard addiction is, and how woefully underfunded support is.

Your brother didn't deserve to die, or the difficult childhood he had. He deserved and still deserves love, compassion and understanding. And you also deserve those things.

I hope this was cathartic for you to write. And I’m sorry your brother’s life went that way.

There is how you will see your brother, and then
how everyone else would view his death in a more objective way. I don’t think it’s fair to expect either side to come round to the other’s perspective.

Through work I see the effect drug abuse has on communities and the wider public. Crime, robberies, stealing, violence - addicts can be absolutely terrifying, and the crimes they commit against innocent people beyond appalling, often selecting elderly or vulnerable people as their victims. People on drugs are unpredictable and it isn’t NIMBY or ‘my little family’ to want to put the safety of your own life/family/workplace before any feelings of sympathy for addicts. The crux of the matter is that in these specific scenarios, drug addicts are the perpetrators and society their victims.

I really do understand why you want to defend him, family loyalty is very strong and you will have seen him as a young boy and teen before he became an addict. But - as you’re asking - I’m gently giving the flip side of the coin.

You don’t need to reconcile your love for your brother with the person he became as an adult, they can co-exist alongside each other. My dad is a lifelong alcoholic, he was an okay dad when I was a child but has become an aggressive, nasty drunk who has treated me in appalling ways. I love and miss the person he was but equally I don’t feel guilty at going NC and disliking who he is now.

💐

Sorry for your loss OP. And as others have said no he didn’t deserve to die. He had an addiction. He was in pain (depression) and his addiction was his way to trying to cope. May he RIP.

*of trying to cope

I am so, so sorry for your loss OP

Your poor, poor brother. I’m so sorry, OP. And so sorry about your childhood. You have my deepest sympathy.

I’ve forgotten the details that were once explained to me by an expert doctor as well, but yes I meant basically the first one, like your brain can’t survive it (which is actually true in a way for severe ones, tapering needs to be really slow and with other medications or they truly do risk death - I do wish more people realized this, it would stop the ‘just stop’ narrative.

And again agree with you re brain plasticity, the doctor (she was really a top expert, just happened to be a friend of a friend, she was well known for results) said the same, she was one of the great ones.

And yes the stopping use before MH treatment she didn’t believe in, she always said if you don’t treat the underlying issues, there is really nothing I can do, like all I can do is talk about your levels of consumption this week : awesome.

And yes gangs are the worst… I remember she told me they gave younger people especially some types of drugs that were so much harder to get off of.

I don’t know much more medical details, she mostly helped me by volunteering sometimes with my kids in care I worked with, they really listened to her

No one wants to be a heroine addict . Life has dealt then a hand they cannot change, even though every day they wish they could be free from it.

Some people can beat heroine but many can't, it's a evil drug that's very powerful.

Anyone that looks down on a drug addict should walk a day in their shoes.

I feel nothing but sorrow for people crippled by addiction, it's a very sad life have

I'm sorry that evil drug beat him.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
Your brother did not deserve to die. A lot of us have shitty lives we don't deserve, and deal with that whatever way we can.
Go forward knowing that many people wouldn't condemn him.

All lives are precious except perhaps those that take advantage of vulnerable souls like your brother, OP, purely for profit.

but you could say this is also what drug addicts do when they steal/burgle/rob for money - their victims are, more often than not, elderly or vulnerable in some way. OP said in her OP I think that her brother himself dealt drugs to fund his habit, which is a common thing among drug users.

We can’t divide people up into black and white boxes, pretend somebody was blameless because they’ve sadly passed away. Most people have good and bad sides, some more of one than the other, some are more easily led… there’s no point romanticising any of it. OP’s brother doesn’t need to be painted as a wayward blameless soul for her to love and miss him, nor does it mean he ‘deserved’ to die.

I am sorry for the loss of your brother x

For balance's sake, although of course his life was worthy and he did not deserve to die, from my own experiences I would like to recognise the impact of an addiction of the people surrounding the addict; those who try to care for the person and those who are left behind when they die.

I also do not believe it to be an illness in itself - but a coping mechanism for underlying mental health issues. At some point, there was a choice to start, and a choice to continue, and from that point of view, I do see it differently to how I would view a young cancer patient.

It is all terribly sad and there needs to be a lot more support for those who have addictions, and their families.

*ON the people surrounding the addict