To ask what you think is meant by 'overprotective?'

[Smugglers]

I had mental health problems at 18 - long story as to the cause - but my mum one day thought this was a result of her having been overprotective as a parent. I wish I'd questioned her more on what exactly she meant by this now - as she seemed to see this as the root cause of all my difficulties.

Anyway , when I was on holiday aged 13 my mum coerced me harshly into a friendship with another kid at the hotel - "your father and I want you to make friends". This frankly made me feel shit. When I mentioned this to my Dad year later - he said she was trying to protect me. I was surprised as I thought it's not 'protecting' a child surely if you push them into a relationship they don't want? I would say quite the opposite - surely it's exposing them to a bad situation? Again I didn't question this at the time but has anyone got any thoughts on this?

@WombatsAndGumTrees
Yes, that too. I certainly don't think it's usually done in manipulative or even conscious way....but it's often about satisfying the 'carers' needs, in your example reducing their own anxiety.
It must be a very challenging cycle to break and it's not about blame. Sounds like ghis mum knows she's made for mistakes.

I’m assuming from a few things that you’ve said that you’re middle-aged now. It was quite unusual (although not outlandish, obviously!) to be an only child in the 1970s and 1980s. Do you know why they had one child, out of interest?

They've said different thinks at different times re. the only child question - one one occasion it was said there was a miscarriage before me so they were limited to 1 and they were around 40 when I was born. On another occasion my mum said she only wanted one as didn't want jealousy between them / this is something I heard her say to a third party

No he wasn't .

I'm very annoyed he didn't protect me

Are you overthinking this, maybe over fixating on particular incidents in your past looking for answers about where you are now? Maybe you should get some help to work through all of this so you can move forward with your life.

You bet I blame my father. His behaviour clearly crossed a line and I know his parents weren't that way. I also blame my mother, maybe more, because she allowed us to have to experience that treatment. I vowed I would never allow my children to go through that and would leave if it was necessary. Over-protectiveness can be abusive.

Are you in regular therapy OP? If not I feel strongly that you would benefit from it. That would provide a safe space yo explore your memories and thoughts about how your upbringing has helped shape you into the person you are now. Do NOT accept CBT as that will not delve into your childhood or your past in the degree of detail you need.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread - I've found the responses very useful.

Firstly I totally admit that I've been too obsessed with the definition of overprotective and maybe I admit it's a tad unhealthy. FWIW, I think there's an overlap between overprotective, narcissistic and abusive. Thinking back, my mum's behaviour has shown examples that fit into all 3 categories.
I've also read that overprotectiveness often means 'the punishment doesn't fit the crime' where the parent can be overly harsh in response to a slip up a child has made. My mum chastised me very harshly once for saying a swear word when I'd been taken by surprise. I know you might say it's quite right she chastised me for swearing but the way she did this was particularly harsh and unfair but I won't bore you with details.

Basically my parenting left me with very low quality friendships if indeed they were friends at all and a huge people pleaser which made me no doubt seem immature - as if I was grateful friendship wise to accept any crumbs off the table. This made me a perfect target for bullies/abusive relationships.

I also by the way totally agree with the posters who've told me I need to stop dwelling on the past and move forward, FWIW.

No I'm not currently in regular therapy

I think that the phrase “dwelling on the past” was fair in light of your OP, but harsh in light of your updates. You are trying to come to terms with your mother’s unconscionable abuse and your father’s passivity, which isn’t quite the same as dwelling. I ageee that therapy might be helpful.

Thank you yes - you're probably right - it's just taking time out to do it!

I think modern psychology has driven a wedge between grown adults and their parents by overanalizing every childhood mishap and trivializing trauma. I catch myself often resenting my parents over what they once said or did. But then... yes, what they said or did was really stupid (or selfish), but was is abuse? Certainly no. Was it traumatic? Certainly no.

The thing is, it's easier to focus or analyse the smaller issues. Just like in relationships you have hundreds of threads where the OP might post about a trivial thing, but it often turns out the issues are much bigger and she's living with an abusive/controlling arsehole. A lot of the time it's the spark that brings the whole house down. In a similar vein, a small thing on top of years or abuse can be the last straw and significantly affect someone .

I definitely had abuse and trauma in my life, but if I post on here or talk about in real life it's mostly about the little things. The abuse just is,but for some reason it's the little things that niggle at you.

OP, is there any chance that you (and maybe your mum) are on the spectrum?

It's just that I recognise a lot of my younger self in the way you write.

"Forcing" friendships, being uncomfortable with you having boyfriends, reliance on alcohol ... it's a possibility IMO.

Thank you for the update OP it certainly does seem that your childhood has had an impact on your life and it is more than just the incident you initially described. When someone is overprotective I also think it can evolve into quite controlling behaviour, especially when it means that someone is not given age appropriate independence and autonomy as they grow up. I hope you can get some help to work through this with the right people.

Don't know ... there's a possibility - I don't think either of us were/are on the spectrum but don't know for definite

Just like in relationships you have hundreds of threads where the OP might post about a trivial thing, but it often turns out the issues are much bigger and she's living with an abusive/controlling arsehole.

Maybe, or maybe not - we're all very imperfect human beings. With parenting its hit and miss. You want your kids happy and healthy and safe - but then turns out they hold a grudge that you told them no at times or made them do things they didn't appreciate.

When someone is overprotective I also think it can evolve into quite controlling behaviour, especially when it means that someone is not given age appropriate independence and autonomy as they grow up. I hope you can get some help to work through this with the right people.

That's half of MN! Just look at the threads about leaving kids home alone or letting them play outside. Bonkers

But we know OP's mum was an alcoholic. Even if she wasn't abusive that will have had an impact on OP and her development . It wasn't just hit and miss or telling her no as part of boundaries.

I'm think we all agree that overprotective is probably not quite the right word. Plus your examples are quite weak. Forcing a young girl to be friends with another child on holiday, plus the girl at home aswell, because you were painfully shy, or just lazy parenting on their part. But neither is that bad, not bad enough to cause such serious damage as you are implying. Most people would just brush that off as irritating parenting. The car headache is a minor cringe, but you have made it massive. Then the huge drip feed of her being an alcoholic.

Plus as a pp says, blaming parents only works up to a point. You made many choices yourself since then, and playing the trump card of parental blame wears thin after a point.

You mention having previously had counselling. This was clearly not successful. I agree with Daisy that you need to start counselling again now, not with someone who just agrees. With you, but with with a strong counsellor who will challenge you and your viewpoint, so that you can resolve and at least move on a bit.

@Smugglers really agree with posters saying therapy is needed, am sure there have been other incidents but the heavy ruminating on such individual things won't be healthy.
Yes exactly- I felt my wings were clipped by the holiday thing . Comply agree it's very damaging! being encouraged to go find friends at 13 is not generally 'wing clipping'?
-being chastised on one occasion for swearing? (Thoroughly apologies if this was physical violence of course)
And re boyfriend at 18, you still spent time with him when you were in halls at uni? If your parents didn't allow him to stay over on holidays back at their home, I think it's their perogative who stays as a guest in their home?

Just come back from an all inclusive sit around the pool holiday. Told my dd lnwantwd her to make friends with someone of her own age as l didn't want the only people she spoke to all week to be her parents. Not hecause l am over protective - quite tue opposite - l wanted to encourage her independence.

@Soproudoflionesses Indeed I wouldn't see encouragement to make friends and be more independent of parents as overprotective. I have a DN who was really overprotected growing up, she was naturally shy and always discouraged from doing things like making friends by a mum who was incredibly anxious. Now a grown up she has very few friends, never really had any relationships to speak of and is also incredibly anxious and immature. Extreme overprotectiveness is damaging but encouraging your DC to make friends is certainly not.

And if they then sent you to a maths tutor for example that was known for abusing young teens?

Because that's the thing with fucked up childhoods and abusive parents. The cognitive dissonance. The arbitrary rules that are about their wants and needs and their control. Always framed as "what's best for you" as a special little mindfuck , the cherry on the top of a shit cake.