Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you think is meant by 'overprotective?'

155 replies

Smugglers · 25/02/2023 19:00

I had mental health problems at 18 - long story as to the cause - but my mum one day thought this was a result of her having been overprotective as a parent. I wish I'd questioned her more on what exactly she meant by this now - as she seemed to see this as the root cause of all my difficulties.

Anyway , when I was on holiday aged 13 my mum coerced me harshly into a friendship with another kid at the hotel - "your father and I want you to make friends". This frankly made me feel shit. When I mentioned this to my Dad year later - he said she was trying to protect me. I was surprised as I thought it's not 'protecting' a child surely if you push them into a relationship they don't want? I would say quite the opposite - surely it's exposing them to a bad situation? Again I didn't question this at the time but has anyone got any thoughts on this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:21

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/02/2023 07:17

Overprotective could mean interfering too much in the child's choices. For example forcing a 13 year old to "play" with a "friend" rather than leaving them in peace.

Many overprotective parents do it for selfish reasons, be that because they like to control, or because it's a way to deal with their own anxieties, or because they want their children to remain dependent on them. It's not good parenting

Thank you. I think you're absolutely spot on

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 26/02/2023 07:22

The nursery rhymes and the comment about the car?! If those are the worst things your mum has done she’s doing pretty well I think.

donttellmehesalive · 26/02/2023 07:22

And if she wanted you to go to play with the other kids so she could have a break, have half an hour to herself, or to talk to your dad or to enjoy a cocktail, or just looked at the other kids playing and thought you might enjoy it if you tried it, that in itself doesn't make her a bad parent.

Nimbostratus100 · 26/02/2023 07:23

donttellmehesalive · 26/02/2023 07:19

This one isolated incident doesn't tell us enough about them op. Who amongst us can say we have got every decision right with our kids? When they get to adulthood, most of our kids will remember one thing - probably more than one thing - we got wrong.

exactly - one of the worst things we can do for our children is be "perfect" parents! most of us do our best, and our children grow up to recognise that, and the many mistakes we make along the way are all just part of a happy, balanced family life

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 07:25

When I was 20 - when my friend was with me in her car - mum was giving us both a lift to an evening class - she said she had to take the car to the garage as they car had a headache' I mean wtf?! We were 20!!

Sorry I don't get this at all. You and your friend at 20 were getting a lift from your mum, your mum was taking her own car to the garage, the way she described it=over protective?!

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:26

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 07:25

When I was 20 - when my friend was with me in her car - mum was giving us both a lift to an evening class - she said she had to take the car to the garage as they car had a headache' I mean wtf?! We were 20!!

Sorry I don't get this at all. You and your friend at 20 were getting a lift from your mum, your mum was taking her own car to the garage, the way she described it=over protective?!

No sorry she was dropping us off first then taking the car later - perhaps in a day or two

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 26/02/2023 07:27

"Thank you. I think you're absolutely spot on."

As a teacher I see a lot of parents who I feel are overprotective. IMO most feel that they are simply loving and doing their absolute best for their child. Maybe their child is naturally sensitive and easily upset, and maybe that style of parenting has unintentionally exacerbated it. I agree with pp that there is an element of the parent trying to manage their own fears and anxieties - wanting to protect their child from any perceived danger.

daisypond · 26/02/2023 07:27

You are being too hard on your parents here. At 13, they were probably worried that you spent too much time on your own, were isolated, didn’t know how to do relationships with or interact with other young people. They might have handled it badly, but their intentions might be good.

Nimbostratus100 · 26/02/2023 07:29

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:26

No sorry she was dropping us off first then taking the car later - perhaps in a day or two

Show quote history

I don't see why it is a problem to call an issue with a car a "headache". I called an issue with my oven a "Headache" yesterday - I don't expect my children will be holding that against me in the future!

I just don't see what you are getting at, at all, sorry

YOu sound upset, but I am not sure you are looking in the right direction for the cause

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 07:29

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:26

No sorry she was dropping us off first then taking the car later - perhaps in a day or two

Show quote history

So why does that require a 'wtf' or overprotective?! It's conversational isn't it?

donttellmehesalive · 26/02/2023 07:30

Saying her car was going to the garage because it had a headache? It's a funny choice of words isn't it. You obviously found it embarrassing and it's stuck with you. But I can reassure you that it is a rare person who gets to adulthood without any memories of their parents doing or saying anything embarrassing in front of a mate.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2023 07:31

Are you a parent yet op?
It's bloody hard. We make mistakes. Don't say 💯 the correct thing all of the time. We just do our best, like everyone.
The examples you've given are nothing, literally nothing. Maybe there was bigger things, or death by 100 cuts, but the examples themselves are nothing.
The langauage you use is damaging and dramatic - coercion - she simply wanted you to have a nice holiday and thought making a friend would help that. Shoot her now!
It isn't fair of you to pick apart your parents parenting like this.

donttellmehesalive · 26/02/2023 07:33

"She also railroaded me at home into a friendship with another local girl whose relatives she knew - I hated it."

Did you struggle to make and maintain friendships? It sounds as if she was trying to help you.

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:33

daisypond · 26/02/2023 07:27

You are being too hard on your parents here. At 13, they were probably worried that you spent too much time on your own, were isolated, didn’t know how to do relationships with or interact with other young people. They might have handled it badly, but their intentions might be good.

Maybe ... I was indeed an only child who spent a lot of time on my own - but with hindsight I think this is normal at 13 - sometimes people break away from primary school friends - maybe you decide they're not 'worldly' enough, you have crushes on boys, you get self conscious. Also I was an only child and personally I don't think spending time on your own is a bad thing. Being an only child is potentially a good thing - cos it can help you to feel independent and also - when people have their first job sometimes they move away, being independent isn't a bad thing. Having siblings can be great as well of course - and people with siblings can be independent of course

OP posts:
AndAllOurYesterdays · 26/02/2023 07:34

The headache comment was presumably meant to be funny or cute. Not that she didn't think you'd understand what was actually wrong with the car so decided to talk to you like a toddler.

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:35

@Nimbostratus100 - no it's the car who had a headache not her

OP posts:
Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:39

donttellmehesalive · 26/02/2023 07:33

"She also railroaded me at home into a friendship with another local girl whose relatives she knew - I hated it."

Did you struggle to make and maintain friendships? It sounds as if she was trying to help you.

Well I wasn't the most sociable teenager granted. However the backdrop is that my mum was an abusive alcoholic - drinking spirits then blaming me as a 10 year old for all her problems in life - yelling at me drunkenly when I was still a primary school kid that I was spoilt!! Selfish !! - yo be honest with a mum like that - she could hardly expect a social butterfly, could she?

OP posts:
Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:40

To** be honest

OP posts:
YouSoundLovely · 26/02/2023 07:40

By and large, 'overprotective ' is to controlling as 'smack' is to hit.

OP, it sounds as if your mother was looking for reassurance from you about her parenting. The examples you give don't give a definite picture one way or the other. Something is clearly bothering you about your upbringing. Perhaps you could un pick it with a counsellor?

MRex · 26/02/2023 07:40

Your mum tried to get you to have friends on at least two occasions as a teen, said a silly joke when you were 20, and played nursery rhymes at your 10th birthday. Honestly, it's only the nursery rhymes that are particularly strange, and it might be useful to give more context about what songs and why. It's normal for parents to want a child to make friends, and not an awful offence to cling onto weeks later, never mind decades later. It's also more of a teenage thing to be embarrassed by mum doing something silly, rather than laughing about it with your friend. The silly joke about the car having an issue might tie into the friendship issue, why didn't you realise this was a joke? Is it just your mum who you struggle to understand, can you follow jokes made by others? I wonder if you've been working around some social interaction difficulties and it's that which has caused your mental health issues, because that's a really hard thing to try to do alone.

YouSoundLovely · 26/02/2023 07:41

X posts with your last post, which puts a very different complexion on things.

Lougle · 26/02/2023 07:41

I wonder if you can tell us exactly what it is that your Mum did and what it is that you think it has led to?

My DM was very overprotective. At 10 I was only allowed to walk to the end of the road that we were walking on, then wait for her until she caught up. I was 16 before I was allowed to catch the bus to our local towns and city. But now, knowing some of her life experiences, I can see that she was trying to prevent me from experiencing the same.

As parents, we're going to get it wrong. That doesn't mean that we're necessarily being malicious, just flawed.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2023 07:41

Right. So your mum was an abusive alcoholic, and yet you didn't mention that and just asked if a completely innocent thing she did was bad?

7eleven · 26/02/2023 07:42

Don't wallow in ‘poor me’. It’s not helpful for moving on in your life and being happy.

MRex · 26/02/2023 07:43

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:39

Well I wasn't the most sociable teenager granted. However the backdrop is that my mum was an abusive alcoholic - drinking spirits then blaming me as a 10 year old for all her problems in life - yelling at me drunkenly when I was still a primary school kid that I was spoilt!! Selfish !! - yo be honest with a mum like that - she could hardly expect a social butterfly, could she?

Show quote history

This again paints a more worrying picture, and again links back to when you were 10. It sounds like that age was particularly hard. Was your mum particularly difficult at that age? Did something go wrong in the family? Was.she drinking all the time, or was it.A one-off?