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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you think is meant by 'overprotective?'

155 replies

Smugglers · 25/02/2023 19:00

I had mental health problems at 18 - long story as to the cause - but my mum one day thought this was a result of her having been overprotective as a parent. I wish I'd questioned her more on what exactly she meant by this now - as she seemed to see this as the root cause of all my difficulties.

Anyway , when I was on holiday aged 13 my mum coerced me harshly into a friendship with another kid at the hotel - "your father and I want you to make friends". This frankly made me feel shit. When I mentioned this to my Dad year later - he said she was trying to protect me. I was surprised as I thought it's not 'protecting' a child surely if you push them into a relationship they don't want? I would say quite the opposite - surely it's exposing them to a bad situation? Again I didn't question this at the time but has anyone got any thoughts on this?

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 08:29

Overprotective is just a nicer way to say (and justify) controlling . I do it because I care, it's for your own good , etc. All a load of bollocks.

daisypond · 26/02/2023 08:33

Also, them encouraging you to move away for university is the opposite of overprotective. It’s a transition phase - living independently but in a supported and managed setting with other young people in the same situation. If they’d forced you to go to your local university and live at home, that would be overprotective. But they did the opposite.

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:34

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 08:29

Overprotective is just a nicer way to say (and justify) controlling . I do it because I care, it's for your own good , etc. All a load of bollocks.

Totally agree !!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 08:38

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:17

Well the immediate cause of my MH problems was my mum forced me to go to uni away from home when I specifically said I wanted to go local. Although I was an adult I felt I couldn't stand my ground with her cos she'd been abusive in the past and I was scared of her reaction. I did spend some time at uni but of course as I'd never wanted to be there in the first place as the time went on became more and more unhappy

Show quote history

Did you have to go to uni? Were they funding you? Could you have stayed in home town and paid for it yourself or got a job?

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:38

@daisypond - thing is - she was deliberately trying to get me away from a boyfriend she didn't like - she wanted me to be 'independent' supposedly but ... when I admitted I'd stayed overnight with my boyfriend at his grandmothers - we were both over 18 - she became very disapproving ! We were both adults ! So it's as if she wanted me away at uni but on her terms !! When I said to my counsellor later and discussed this - I said - it's not 'independence' if the only reason someone goes away to uni is to appease/placate their parents she agreed with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:40

@MichelleScam - with hindsight yes - but because my mum had been so abusive before I didn't feel secure standing my ground with her - yes they were funding me

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 08:44

Where was your dad when all this was going on?

daisypond · 26/02/2023 08:46

Ok, but what was your plan if you’d gone to a local uni? Live at home or in halls? Living at home is a very different uni experience.

Lots of 18-year-olds still are highly influenced by their parents and might do what their parents suggest, think best -that’s normal.

From what you’ve written so far, I still think your parents seem to have been “good enough”.

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 08:46

And am assuming your boyfriend and you split up when you moved away? Thought being out of sight would have been more difficult for a controlling parent to manage. One of my hall mates practically moved her hometown boyfriend in to her room, he just hid elsewhere when they visited!

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:47

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 08:44

Where was your dad when all this was going on?

He hated my boyfriend but in the past he's let my mum get away with drunken abuse towards me

OP posts:
RoseGoldEagle · 26/02/2023 08:47

I think the example with trying to force the friendship is the opposite of over protective. Over protective would be ‘no you can’t make friends with that teen and hang out with them, because we don’t know their family and it’s too risky’. The opposite would be forcing a child who’s a bit shyer into a friendship with someone when they don’t want that. Some kind of middle ground is a lot better- giving the child opportunities to do things and make friends and encouraging it, but also respecting the child’s own personality and opinions and not forcing them into something.

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:48

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 08:46

And am assuming your boyfriend and you split up when you moved away? Thought being out of sight would have been more difficult for a controlling parent to manage. One of my hall mates practically moved her hometown boyfriend in to her room, he just hid elsewhere when they visited!

No we didn't split up when I was away at uni - we split up when we lived together

OP posts:
Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:50

RoseGoldEagle · 26/02/2023 08:47

I think the example with trying to force the friendship is the opposite of over protective. Over protective would be ‘no you can’t make friends with that teen and hang out with them, because we don’t know their family and it’s too risky’. The opposite would be forcing a child who’s a bit shyer into a friendship with someone when they don’t want that. Some kind of middle ground is a lot better- giving the child opportunities to do things and make friends and encouraging it, but also respecting the child’s own personality and opinions and not forcing them into something.

Yes agreed - I think she wanted me to go with that girl cos her family were rich tbh !

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 26/02/2023 08:51

gettingalifttothestation · 26/02/2023 06:54

Dwelling on the past is pointless. You need to focus on the future

If something is bothering you about your past, you sometimes need to make sense of, and reconcile yourself to it, if you want to move forward.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 08:53

I would suggest OP, you start a new thread on this (if you still want to explore your past) in relationships that doesn't focus on the word overprotective. You know now that they used the wrong word /it was just an excuse. This thread will just fill up with people telling you they weren't overprotective, which of course itself pretty obvious.

Your mum was an abusive (controlling not overprotective)alcoholic and your dad was neglectful and complicit at best. That's not even the bare minimum of protection, much less overprotective.

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 09:01

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 08:53

I would suggest OP, you start a new thread on this (if you still want to explore your past) in relationships that doesn't focus on the word overprotective. You know now that they used the wrong word /it was just an excuse. This thread will just fill up with people telling you they weren't overprotective, which of course itself pretty obvious.

Your mum was an abusive (controlling not overprotective)alcoholic and your dad was neglectful and complicit at best. That's not even the bare minimum of protection, much less overprotective.

Yes I agree .

OP posts:
daisypond · 26/02/2023 09:05

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 09:01

Yes I agree .

Show quote history

While looking at your past and your parenting is useful, I don’t think it helpful -in fact, it can be harmful - to encourage this “my parents were abusive / controlling / alcoholic/ neglectful” viewpoint without the guidance of a proper psychotherapist.

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 09:05

Thing is - I was an only child of an abusive alcoholic mother - don't get me wrong - only child is fine when you've got positive, emotionally mature parents - but if you're an only child and your home environment is difficult- you're dealing with a difficult situation on your own. This is why I'd got used to being on my own and didn't need the forced friendship thing - in some ways I was happier being an 'adult' - cos arguably - I'd had to be one

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/02/2023 09:21

I agree it may not be helpful to look back for answers. "Overprotective" may be the wrong word, they sought to push you behind your comfort zone perhaps a misguided attempt to deflect your attention from your mum's issues and find another life. Had you stayed at home for uni you would have been more codependent,

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 09:26

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/02/2023 07:17

Overprotective could mean interfering too much in the child's choices. For example forcing a 13 year old to "play" with a "friend" rather than leaving them in peace.

Many overprotective parents do it for selfish reasons, be that because they like to control, or because it's a way to deal with their own anxieties, or because they want their children to remain dependent on them. It's not good parenting

This is definitely a definition of overprotective I've read online. For example, it said in this article that overprotective was to do with overstepping a child's emotional boundaries - making them feel uncomfortable- in an attempt to control them. Whereas previously I thought over protective was a nice overly loving cuddly mum who maybe got anxious if you went to a teenage party or something. But it's not that - overprotective parents can be strict and harsh not cuddly and living as they try and keep their kids in line. I agree and think it's lazy parenting at best - and ah worst has been synonymous with abuse

OP posts:
Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 09:28

Loving not living - sorry for typos

OP posts:
daisypond · 26/02/2023 09:32

Thing is - I was an only child of an abusive alcoholic mother.

I just think you need to be mindful about telling yourself and reinforcing this narrative in your psyche. It’s slipping off the tongue now. Have you got a proper psychotherapist to help you work through some of this?

LIZS · 26/02/2023 09:42

Agree. You are attributing your issues to those who were in a very difficult place themselves. They probably thought they were acting in your best interest. What different decisions would you have had them make? Had they just left you to get on with it yourself you may equally have struggled with feelings of isolation.

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 10:00

LIZS · 26/02/2023 09:42

Agree. You are attributing your issues to those who were in a very difficult place themselves. They probably thought they were acting in your best interest. What different decisions would you have had them make? Had they just left you to get on with it yourself you may equally have struggled with feelings of isolation.

The different decisions would have been to give me more autonomy. Yes I'd have still felt isolated if they'd let me get on with it - but at least I wouldn't have had the powerlessness of having my choices encroached on

OP posts:
7eleven · 26/02/2023 10:09

What do you need to move forward from this? Focus on that.

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