To ask what you think is meant by 'overprotective?'

[Smugglers]

I had mental health problems at 18 - long story as to the cause - but my mum one day thought this was a result of her having been overprotective as a parent. I wish I'd questioned her more on what exactly she meant by this now - as she seemed to see this as the root cause of all my difficulties.

Anyway , when I was on holiday aged 13 my mum coerced me harshly into a friendship with another kid at the hotel - "your father and I want you to make friends". This frankly made me feel shit. When I mentioned this to my Dad year later - he said she was trying to protect me. I was surprised as I thought it's not 'protecting' a child surely if you push them into a relationship they don't want? I would say quite the opposite - surely it's exposing them to a bad situation? Again I didn't question this at the time but has anyone got any thoughts on this?

Overprotectiveness is in fact a severe form of emotional neglect as it thwarts natural development and tends to result in the opposite effect. It makes children vulnerable to abuse.

I completely agree with this

I don't really understand why you are focusing on the definition of the word 'overprotective' and complete non-events, when you later drip feed that she was an abusive alcoholic. Surely those memories are more pertinent than her playing nursery rhymes at your birthday party? It is very hard to unpick what exactly your complaint is with your mum, it is just scattergun criticism. Are your parents still around for discussion? Are you still having counselling?

No - they're not still around.

I suppose I'm just trying to make sense of everything. Looking back j feel forcing friendships was the most damaging thing my parents ever did as I learned then that friendships are about obligation rather than a real desire for them ! Iyswim

No not having counselling

You are very right though. I fully admit I'm focusing on the definition of overprotective to a large degree - I suppose it's coz my mum made such a big thing of it as the explanation for everything

I'm an only myself. I think these issues are more prevalent in single-child families. In my case it was down to my mum's anxiety disorder- the irony being the sheer amount of abuse I went through in supposedly 'safe' places at the hands of trusted adults (subject for another thread).
I think therapy is a good starting point. Also to acknowledge that being an only child is a more difficult position due to the existential need for validation from one's parents- unless there is a healthy mix of cousins or family friends around- and automatically being the focal point in their lives. Good or bad attention, it doesn't even matter: it's too much pressure. My mum (and subsequently my dad) lived very socially isolated lives. I left home at 17.

Interesting you think these issues are more prevalent on one child families. I can remember saying to my Dad - and disclaimer - I was only going by my experience- I said to him - thing is about being an only child, parents expect you to be too much like them .. and show they're disappointed when you're not .. he agreed with me here actually .. if parents have more than one child - they have a better understanding of how personalities are different ..

Thing is though - I've also realistically seen so many people with siblings struggle to cope with adulthood - I also feel that siblings aren't the panacea for everything - and I'm saying that as someone who desperately wanted siblings as a child

It's really damaging to not let your child become an independent person. Whether that is interfering too much or not allowing them to do things - both those things are to manage the parent's anxiety. The holiday thing sounds over-involved rather than overprotective. But it's all along the same lines of stifling their independence.

Yes exactly- I felt my wings were clipped by the holiday thing . Comply agree it's very damaging !

Yes, to clarify, I'm not saying single-child families are more dysfunctional per se. However, the issues coming with overprotectiveness/ excessive control of some kind are completely exacerbated when there is only one child.
Basically, there's two of them, one of you. In a household where one parent has MH issues and the other parent focuses on managing that, it's that much harder to navigate. Considering that you, the child, are the one relying on them for your very existence, it isn't going to teach you anything good about balanced relationships. The message from my dad was always very much to be the good child who prioritises mum. If I complained about not being allowed to meet with anyone anywhere outside of school I was told 'other people are overrated, you don't need them'.

Completely agree not comply aargh typos !!

But surely insisting that you left home for uni was a way of promoting your independence, whether you chose it for yourself or not. It seems you are very angry with your parents for their decisions and perhaps talking to a counsellor about why you feel this might help you move on.

Agreed. The only child who's thrived in life and been the happiest is definitely an only whose parents letter her be her own person. She's thrived much more than lots of people with siblings I know. The sibling families I'm comparing her with are ones with issues of control / but different from mine, perhaps

No. Because they were desperate to get me away from my boyfriend and even when i went away to uni / wouldn't let me stay overnight with him. Pathetic !

It seems to me you are just agreeing with the posters who reinforce your narrative. I really, really think you need professional help with someone who will help you process and challenge your beliefs, as well as come to terms with things that have affected you. You don’t need a “counsellor” who just agrees with you.

Yes because it's something I've thought a lot about . Independence is about allowing people to make their own decisions. It's not about forcing them into a particular friendship

I think there may be some very black and white thinking going on OP. Your mum's alcoholism is the backdrop to your childhood - you can't really separate out anything from that. It sounds like your mum was often unavailable emotionally and that she took things out on you. There may have been good motivations to her other actions though, even if things did not pan out. The holiday example - there are times when kids anxiety is ruling their decisions and facing their anxiety is exactly what they need to do. Perhaps they thought (albeit wrongly) that you wanted to make friends with that girl, but were too anxious to do so. They might have thought they could just help you move a little out of your comfort zone. If their thoughts had been correct, their actions could well also have been so. You're focusing on this issue as some sort of exemplar, but it isn't. But that doesn't mean that your childhood was ok. Maybe it doesn't matter what overprotective means to them. Do you care to put much energy into making sense of your mum's view of your struggles? Why? You've spent to long paying attention to their thoughts about what you should/ shouldn't do (e.g. she didn't 'let you' stay with BF overnight when you were an adult - why do you need to be 'let' to do something as an adult? Just do it? Don't fall into the same trap here. What your mum thinks doesn't matter. Your story about your experiences is what matters.

Thanks and I agree with a lot of what you say. I did stay with my bf anyway incidentally

The backdrop to the holiday thing was that spring/summer I'd lost a lot of weight - gone from a fat child to normal weight and actually felt the most happiest/secure/independent I'd ever been ! The way she pushed me into this friendship was particularly harsh and underhanded "no wonder you haven't got Nh friends" - it affected my confidence very much

Are you a parent yourself now? Parenting isn’t easy, and most parents are going to mess up at times. That line between dependence and independence is forever changing, and getting that right always is impossible.

Sorry that should read any** friends

@daisypond yes I'm a parent myself now

Absolutely 100% agree with this.

It sounds as if you are absolutely convinced that being encouraged into a friendship on holiday once as a child is the root of any anxieties or mental health needs you may have. Maybe it was, I couldn't possibly know. But does knowing this help you now, to become the person you want to be?

Being a parent is really hard and sometimes we make mistakes. If she loved you, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt