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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you think is meant by 'overprotective?'

155 replies

Smugglers · 25/02/2023 19:00

I had mental health problems at 18 - long story as to the cause - but my mum one day thought this was a result of her having been overprotective as a parent. I wish I'd questioned her more on what exactly she meant by this now - as she seemed to see this as the root cause of all my difficulties.

Anyway , when I was on holiday aged 13 my mum coerced me harshly into a friendship with another kid at the hotel - "your father and I want you to make friends". This frankly made me feel shit. When I mentioned this to my Dad year later - he said she was trying to protect me. I was surprised as I thought it's not 'protecting' a child surely if you push them into a relationship they don't want? I would say quite the opposite - surely it's exposing them to a bad situation? Again I didn't question this at the time but has anyone got any thoughts on this?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 26/02/2023 07:45

If I'm reading it right, you twice called yourself an adult at 13. That's not normal either. Maybe she was trying to get you to be more "childish" on holiday. Overprotective is the wrong word, but I think she was trying to help you.

The drinking is obviously a whole other issue.

TheaBrandt · 26/02/2023 07:46

Why would you lead with a few benign examples then drip feed she was generally an abusive alcoholic?

Nimbostratus100 · 26/02/2023 07:48

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:39

Well I wasn't the most sociable teenager granted. However the backdrop is that my mum was an abusive alcoholic - drinking spirits then blaming me as a 10 year old for all her problems in life - yelling at me drunkenly when I was still a primary school kid that I was spoilt!! Selfish !! - yo be honest with a mum like that - she could hardly expect a social butterfly, could she?

Show quote history

well, that is a completely different story, isn't it

DelilahBucket · 26/02/2023 07:52

This surely cannot be real. Who gets through all of those comments about a compete "non-thing" before casually dropping in "abusive alcoholic"?
If you really are going through problems OP you need to move past this. Blaming others for your life never works out well. My sister is stil doing this at 49 years old and it has isolated her from the whole family.

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:53

TheaBrandt · 26/02/2023 07:46

Why would you lead with a few benign examples then drip feed she was generally an abusive alcoholic?

Fair question - I genuinely wanted people's opinion on overprotective. Also - that forcing me to socialise on holiday - she called me selfish cuz I liked being on my own - really affected my confidence and led about a year later to being horrendously bullied. I was a textbook people pleaser

OP posts:
Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:55

DelilahBucket · 26/02/2023 07:52

This surely cannot be real. Who gets through all of those comments about a compete "non-thing" before casually dropping in "abusive alcoholic"?
If you really are going through problems OP you need to move past this. Blaming others for your life never works out well. My sister is stil doing this at 49 years old and it has isolated her from the whole family.

Ol but the "non thing" of forcing a friendship- she also called me selfish for being on my own too much - I really took to heart and turned me into a massive people pleaser who was bullied and humiliated mercilessly

OP posts:
FeinCuroxiVooz · 26/02/2023 07:55

it sounds to me like your parents use the word "overprotective" to mean "overcontrolling" because they are more comfortable with that label for themselves.

Overprotective means not allowing your children to experience normal levels of mild risk, excitement and fun for fear of them getting even the tiniest bit hurt. scabby knees are not an indicator of poor parenting, but I don't think OP that yoi parents are guilty of this.

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:56

@MRex - yes she was difficult at this age and yes the drinking was a regular thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:57

FeinCuroxiVooz · 26/02/2023 07:55

it sounds to me like your parents use the word "overprotective" to mean "overcontrolling" because they are more comfortable with that label for themselves.

Overprotective means not allowing your children to experience normal levels of mild risk, excitement and fun for fear of them getting even the tiniest bit hurt. scabby knees are not an indicator of poor parenting, but I don't think OP that yoi parents are guilty of this.

Yes I completely agree with you - especially the bit about being more comfortable with the label

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 26/02/2023 07:58

was she on the radio?

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:59

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2023 07:41

Right. So your mum was an abusive alcoholic, and yet you didn't mention that and just asked if a completely innocent thing she did was bad?

The innocent thing though led to a massive lack of confidence for me - she called me selfish which I took to heart. I then became a people pleaser and people pleasers attract abusers

OP posts:
Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:59

Nimbostratus100 · 26/02/2023 07:58

was she on the radio?

Erm no?

OP posts:
ItsCalledAConversation · 26/02/2023 08:00

gettingalifttothestation · 26/02/2023 06:54

Dwelling on the past is pointless. You need to focus on the future

Lol

DelilahBucket · 26/02/2023 08:01

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:55

Ol but the "non thing" of forcing a friendship- she also called me selfish for being on my own too much - I really took to heart and turned me into a massive people pleaser who was bullied and humiliated mercilessly

Show quote history

I think you are remembering things to your own advantage with the friendship bit. My mum once told me she didn't want me when I was born. It was in a fit of rage, I was being extremely naughty. It's stuck with me, but I don't blame my adulthood on that comment because she didn't mean it.
I highly doubt you were called selfish for being on your own. Those two things go hand in hand as much as the phrase "over protective" and what you are talking about. They are opposites. Unless of course your entire family has no grip on the English language.

Overthebow · 26/02/2023 08:02

OP none of those examples seem particularly bad, maybe a tad overprotective but I think most parents are at some point during childhood. Not sure what you want to get from this thread?

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 08:02

Well of course the huge drip feed re abusive alcoholic changes things.
Was your dad an abusive alcoholic also or did he just ignore this treatment?
How do you feel about him NOT actually protecting you?

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:02

YouSoundLovely · 26/02/2023 07:40

By and large, 'overprotective ' is to controlling as 'smack' is to hit.

OP, it sounds as if your mother was looking for reassurance from you about her parenting. The examples you give don't give a definite picture one way or the other. Something is clearly bothering you about your upbringing. Perhaps you could un pick it with a counsellor?

Interesting analogy - definitely agree with your first sentence

OP posts:
Overthebow · 26/02/2023 08:03

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:59

The innocent thing though led to a massive lack of confidence for me - she called me selfish which I took to heart. I then became a people pleaser and people pleasers attract abusers

Show quote history

I’m not sure you can blame that aspect on your mum though. It was an innocent thing and your mum isn’t to blame for that.

Nimbostratus100 · 26/02/2023 08:03

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 07:59

Erm no?

Show quote history

ok, there was another poster recently very upset about a single incident when her mum was listening to herself on the radio instead of making tea, and the poster felt severely neglected, apparently because of this one incident in her childhood, then came back and said actually her mum was an abusive alcoholic, and it sounded a bit like your story.... an account of some total non incidents, then the talk about abusive alcoholic parents

WandaWonder · 26/02/2023 08:10

There has to come a point when you have to stop baling childhood for issues when you are adult, people with their own issues will tell you different things other than concentrate on now

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:11

WandaWonder · 26/02/2023 08:10

There has to come a point when you have to stop baling childhood for issues when you are adult, people with their own issues will tell you different things other than concentrate on now

Yes - agreed

OP posts:
lovem · 26/02/2023 08:13

"Long story as to the cause" - what do you mean by this OP?

Original poster
Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:17

lovem · 26/02/2023 08:13

"Long story as to the cause" - what do you mean by this OP?

Well the immediate cause of my MH problems was my mum forced me to go to uni away from home when I specifically said I wanted to go local. Although I was an adult I felt I couldn't stand my ground with her cos she'd been abusive in the past and I was scared of her reaction. I did spend some time at uni but of course as I'd never wanted to be there in the first place as the time went on became more and more unhappy

OP posts:
Singularity82 · 26/02/2023 08:26

Your massive drip feed is u helpful. Surely if it was true you’d have led with that rather thank the other complete non events you’ve mentioned? Up u til the alcoholic part, everything you mention is completely a non event, and you sound really harsh and nit picky at your parents.

daisypond · 26/02/2023 08:27

Smugglers · 26/02/2023 08:17

Well the immediate cause of my MH problems was my mum forced me to go to uni away from home when I specifically said I wanted to go local. Although I was an adult I felt I couldn't stand my ground with her cos she'd been abusive in the past and I was scared of her reaction. I did spend some time at uni but of course as I'd never wanted to be there in the first place as the time went on became more and more unhappy

Show quote history

surely your parents were just trying to help you to become more independent. When you say local, was your intention to live at home? Or to still live in halls? I can see that lots of parents might not think it a good idea for a uni student to live at home.