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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment from DH

111 replies

Dinkleberg · 25/02/2023 10:31

DH and I are both late 20s, been together 10 years, married 7 and have two young DC (4 and 8 months). Obviously I'm not as lithe as I was when we got together or before the kids, but I'm not overweight by any means (5'7" and 10.5 stone). I do have some loose skin on my stomach that I'm already self conscious about.

Now my DH is usually lovely. Kind, supportive, affectionate,
San equal partner in terms of housework, childcare etc, a great father. 95% of the time we're very happy. But very very occasionally his mouth seems to engage before his brain and he comes out with very thoughtless, unkind, immature comments. Today was one of those times but I don't know if I'm being too sensitive.

I was happily sitting on the sofa when DH, completely out of the blue, looked at me, kind of laughed and said "are you pregnant again?". Now we both know I am definitely not. I was kind of shocked and asked him to clarify what he meant but he couldn't or wouldn't. I then asked him if he meant my stomach looked big and he again kind of spluttered and didn't reply. I told him that that was quite unkind and has hurt my feelings (which it has) and he's apologised and does seem genuinely sorry, but I'm still upset and seething. He already knows I'm not entirely happy with my body, especially since having DC2, so why the hell would he say that?? I'm not even overweight (although that wouldn't justify it).

Do I have a right to be upset? Like I say he's an amazing partner the vast majority of the time but then very occasionally drops a clinker like this! Now I'm even more self conscious about my body than I was before. Should I just chalk it up as a stupid throwaway comment? He has apologised several times but I'm still hurt.

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:35

Maybe he just wanted to spend a few minutes playing "what if" and if you had laughed and said "maybe" you could have dreamed up some daft names and had some bonding time together. Ask him if he misses those days.

readsalotgirl63 · 25/02/2023 10:36

Think you're entitled to be hurt but I don't think he was setting out to be hurtful - just being thoughtless. However he needs to learn to engage his brain before opening his mouth.

growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:36

PS I will vote for your totally non-existent next baby to be called Enid or Trevor.

Hooklander · 25/02/2023 10:37

growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:35

Maybe he just wanted to spend a few minutes playing "what if" and if you had laughed and said "maybe" you could have dreamed up some daft names and had some bonding time together. Ask him if he misses those days.

Meanwhile, back in the real world ...

WandaWonder · 25/02/2023 10:37

If he didn't see you for weeks ANZ noticed a change I could say it may be a body notice thing, maybe it was was habit you picked up that you only normally do when pregnant

Personally no I would turn it into some personal dig, just a comment

I can't say I have never ever not made a comment to my husband

I am sure you will get other posters who will go 'omg that is a shockingly the worst comment in the world'

So of course no need to say up to you how you go from now on

Original poster
Dinkleberg · 25/02/2023 10:37

@readsalotgirl63 yeah I genuinely don't think he meant to be nasty or hurt my feelings, but he did!

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 25/02/2023 10:38

growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:35

Maybe he just wanted to spend a few minutes playing "what if" and if you had laughed and said "maybe" you could have dreamed up some daft names and had some bonding time together. Ask him if he misses those days.

What have I just read Confused

Original poster
Dinkleberg · 25/02/2023 10:38

@growinggreyer eh?

OP posts:
Longtimeloiterer · 25/02/2023 10:39

Bad case if engaging gob before engaging brain. What's done is done, try not to dwell on it and move on.

Hooklander · 25/02/2023 10:39

Of course he hurt your feelings. Interesting that he couldn't explain it afterwards, as though he didn't expect you to reject his shitty comment, but rather he expected you to 'take it on board' and internalise it. That's called 'negging' and it's pathetic enough in teenagers let alone a grown man with a family.

HaggisBurger · 25/02/2023 10:40

growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:35

Maybe he just wanted to spend a few minutes playing "what if" and if you had laughed and said "maybe" you could have dreamed up some daft names and had some bonding time together. Ask him if he misses those days.

What? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Aside from anything “those days” were were 9 months ago….

Bunnyishotandcross · 25/02/2023 10:40

He apologised. If you think he is sorry then let it go op. Lots of people don't /won't say sorry and even sulk and try make you feel bad. He sounds a good egg. Even with a bit of foot in mouth!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 25/02/2023 10:41

I guess he is the height of leaness and the perfect body?

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 25/02/2023 10:42

Perhaps ask him the same question if he ever puts on a pound or two…

TellSomeoneElse · 25/02/2023 10:42

thoughtless dickhead. I’d be hurt too. That being said, he has now apologised and hopefully won’t be a tool like that again so I’d be trying to put it behind us if we were otherwise happy.

MirabelMax · 25/02/2023 10:48

What other unpleasant things has he said? Often these types of threads where posters say 'he's a great husband but...' it turns out they are monumental arseholes but the poster has set their bar way too low.

Original poster
Dinkleberg · 25/02/2023 10:48

Thanks all. He is actually slightly overweight himself but it doesn't bother me and I would never comment on his body. We are otherwise happy and he did apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinkleberg · 25/02/2023 10:53

@MirabelMax there's one that I can think of, another comment about my body/appearance. I have quite hairy arms for a woman. I'm quite self conscious about them and usually shave them but didn't one time. We were hugging and he looked down and said 'Jesus, you need to shave your arms! Thought I was hugging my brother then!'. Again I found that quite hurtful. It was years ago.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 25/02/2023 10:56

growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:35

Maybe he just wanted to spend a few minutes playing "what if" and if you had laughed and said "maybe" you could have dreamed up some daft names and had some bonding time together. Ask him if he misses those days.

What?

BeExcellent2EachOther · 25/02/2023 11:02

You may need to clarify with him that your mum bod is a literal description of a woman who has just grown a whole human being.

And his Dad bod is through over eating and under exercising; which one of you does he think has the more right to have a change in stomach size?

However "good" a man he is, he seems very quick to forget the whole 9 months of baby growing and birth experience that you've had and how fucking unlikely it is that you'll look like a supermodel shortly afterwards 🙄

GreyTS · 25/02/2023 11:06

growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:35

Maybe he just wanted to spend a few minutes playing "what if" and if you had laughed and said "maybe" you could have dreamed up some daft names and had some bonding time together. Ask him if he misses those days.

Weird Confused

Iggi999 · 25/02/2023 11:06

"thought I was hugging my brother", "are you pregnant again".
These are the kind of remarks that can mark a woman's vagina seal shut on a permanent basis.

PurplePineapple1 · 25/02/2023 11:08

growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:35

Maybe he just wanted to spend a few minutes playing "what if" and if you had laughed and said "maybe" you could have dreamed up some daft names and had some bonding time together. Ask him if he misses those days.

What the fuck??

Nimbostratus100 · 25/02/2023 11:10

maybe he was genuinely wondering? Maybe for reasons that had nothing to do with your shape ? can't he ask if the idea crosses his mind?

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 11:11

Of course YANBU for being offended.

It sounds like he's also profusely apologised so he doesn't think YABU either. Consequently, not much more to be done here.

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