Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment from DH

111 replies

Dinkleberg · 25/02/2023 10:31

DH and I are both late 20s, been together 10 years, married 7 and have two young DC (4 and 8 months). Obviously I'm not as lithe as I was when we got together or before the kids, but I'm not overweight by any means (5'7" and 10.5 stone). I do have some loose skin on my stomach that I'm already self conscious about.

Now my DH is usually lovely. Kind, supportive, affectionate,
San equal partner in terms of housework, childcare etc, a great father. 95% of the time we're very happy. But very very occasionally his mouth seems to engage before his brain and he comes out with very thoughtless, unkind, immature comments. Today was one of those times but I don't know if I'm being too sensitive.

I was happily sitting on the sofa when DH, completely out of the blue, looked at me, kind of laughed and said "are you pregnant again?". Now we both know I am definitely not. I was kind of shocked and asked him to clarify what he meant but he couldn't or wouldn't. I then asked him if he meant my stomach looked big and he again kind of spluttered and didn't reply. I told him that that was quite unkind and has hurt my feelings (which it has) and he's apologised and does seem genuinely sorry, but I'm still upset and seething. He already knows I'm not entirely happy with my body, especially since having DC2, so why the hell would he say that?? I'm not even overweight (although that wouldn't justify it).

Do I have a right to be upset? Like I say he's an amazing partner the vast majority of the time but then very occasionally drops a clinker like this! Now I'm even more self conscious about my body than I was before. Should I just chalk it up as a stupid throwaway comment? He has apologised several times but I'm still hurt.

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 25/02/2023 11:48

@Dinkleberg The two examples you've given have been your stomach and your arms, which he knows you're sensitive about. When he drops these apparently mouth before brain clangers are they always about things you're sensitive about? When you're having a happy time?

SilkenDisorder · 25/02/2023 11:50

growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:35

Maybe he just wanted to spend a few minutes playing "what if" and if you had laughed and said "maybe" you could have dreamed up some daft names and had some bonding time together. Ask him if he misses those days.

I can’t decide if this poster is wonderfully naive, mad as a box of frogs or the most skilled master of sarcasm on mumsnet 😂

Schnooze · 25/02/2023 11:52

Next time instantly throw back with
“says the man who (insert something unkind but true” about his physical appearance)”
Then add
“it’s not nice is it? You’ve hurt me again. I don’t normally say that sort of thing because it’s unkind but you don’t seem to realise how much it hurts. Perhaps you realise now?”

shittyshitshit · 25/02/2023 11:53

Dinkleberg · 25/02/2023 10:53

@MirabelMax there's one that I can think of, another comment about my body/appearance. I have quite hairy arms for a woman. I'm quite self conscious about them and usually shave them but didn't one time. We were hugging and he looked down and said 'Jesus, you need to shave your arms! Thought I was hugging my brother then!'. Again I found that quite hurtful. It was years ago.

He's a prick.

StarsSand · 25/02/2023 11:58

@SilkenDisorder the frog one 🐸 😂

MyEasterEggs · 25/02/2023 12:01

That’s not just a slip of the tongue and I’d be really disappointed in my partner if he said something like that. Being in the habit of opening mouth before engaging brain isn’t an excuse. It’s just the hallmark of someone who can be unkind at times, or finds commenting on someone’s physical appearance funny.

I think you handled it well though so you can move on from it. Hopefully he won’t do it again.

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 12:01

It would be much better if he'd said your looking lovely today wouldn't it. Crass and insensitive.

EarthSight · 25/02/2023 12:02

Dinkleberg · 25/02/2023 10:48

Thanks all. He is actually slightly overweight himself but it doesn't bother me and I would never comment on his body. We are otherwise happy and he did apologise.

Double standards OP. Some men feel entitled to have a slim, model wife (preferably younger than them), whilst they themselves are unfit and pot bellied.

It's because they think it's your job as a woman to look amazing on their arm. That comment he made was a nasty jab at you, one he doesn't want to take responsibility for.

Marzipangirl3 · 25/02/2023 12:02

As someone who also has loose skin on their abdomen since having a baby, I can see exactly why you’re hurt. I would be too.

It’s incredible how many people are saying it’s fine that he didn’t engage his brain before speaking… the most hurtful part about things like this are that you now know how he feels/thinks about you. The bar is incredibly low on mumsnet for stuff like this. It’s no wonder that men turn out to be super insensitive and say horrible things like this for no good reason (no one asked him too) when women who are mothers think it’s fine to just spout whatever shite comes to mind about someone else’s body. Perhaps I was just brought up differently, and told to never comment on someone else’s appearance in a negative way because it’s rude and mean. I could never imagine pointing out something like this to my DH.

Children make thoughtless comments about other people. Husbands who love their wives, who’ve given them two children, do not.

EarthSight · 25/02/2023 12:03

@SilkenDisorder 😂Yes I wondered about that comments as well.

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 12:03

LoveMyPiano · 25/02/2023 11:41

So bloody dismissive.

Honestly, what's the point of your remark, apart from to diminish her feelings about this.

Show quote history

Putting into perspective.

If you're going to post on an open platform to a bunch of strangers I think it's reasonable to expect there won't be a consensus.

Baltiriceandchips · 25/02/2023 12:05

About 10 years ago I was in a huge car accident, I needed a lot of help afterwards. My husband was helping me dress and he said “ would you like me to get rid of the (maybe 5?) hairs from round your nipple.”?

Yes dp, because they are causing me such an issue. Never mind my swollen face, dislocated shoulder and broken pelvis, i best sort out those nipple hairs 🙈

Honestly, they need to think before they open their mouths.

frozenyoghurtyurt · 25/02/2023 12:06

What the fuck. I'm surprised so many people are saying he apologised, let it go!

He made a comment about your body designed to hurt you, 8 months after giving birth.

I'd tell him straight he is never to comment negatively on my body ever again.

Maray1967 · 25/02/2023 12:06

You’re a better woman than I am, OP, because I would gone straight for him being overweight in response. Yes, he’s been thoughtless rather than deliberately cruel, but the assumptions behind the thoughtless comment need hammering down.

GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 25/02/2023 12:12

You used the phrase 'throw away comment'. Is that what he calls it when he says these things?

I ask because that's what my ex used to say when he got called out for calling me fat or stupid or some other horrible thing. He was always very sorry for upsetting me but you know I had to understand that it was just a stupid throw away comment. Again and again for years until I had no self esteem left at all.

OldFan · 25/02/2023 12:21

How rude. Sad And completely invalid of course as you're not overweight. There's no justification/good reason for his psychological/verbal abuse.

Cocobutt · 25/02/2023 12:21

I too would be hurt and I’m glad you told him you were.

But as you say he didn’t say it maliciously and obviously doesn’t think before he speaks.

Has he always been like this and you’ve become more sensitive?

Or is it quite a new behaviour from him?

Lostinadream24 · 25/02/2023 12:22

Maybe he wants another baby.
I'm sure it wasn't about your weight.

OldFan · 25/02/2023 12:22

But as you say he didn’t say it maliciously

@Cocobutt How can it not be malicious? There's no reason to say that except to be hurtful.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 25/02/2023 12:23

I’d have replied ‘are you being an asshole again? ‘

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/02/2023 12:29

Did he actually admit it was due to your weight though? Could he have meant you're eating fast, or something you wouldn't normally eat, or yawning loads, or being impatient. Because if you're not over weight it doesn't make sense unless he's an asshole? If dh said to me are you pregnant I'd assume it's because he'd noticed I was on my 4th can of coke or asleep on the couch by 7.30, it being my weight wouldn't cross my mind.

Hadtocomment · 25/02/2023 12:29

I think it's so hard for anyone on the outside of a relationship to comment on what is usual or normal for you both. Some couples tease each other and it can signal their closeness that they do. They are secure that they like and adore each other and can tease each other in a way that people outside the relationship can't, if you see what I mean. Other couples don't do this and it would be seriously undermining for one to say something like that to the other. So it really depends. I take it he knows this is something you have insecurities or issues around? Therefore you would not be unreasonable to be upset. If it was something he knew you weren't sensitive about and would just tease back on, then it wasn't so unreasonable of him. Either way if you make it clear you are upset about the comment he should take that on board and not do it again.

It could be he comes from a teasing family and you don't. Either way, you've made it clear now. I'd try and move on from it assuming it was a stupid tease that went wrong, but if he did it again I'd think he was actually trying to undermine me and I'd take a very dim view of that.

Im99912 · 25/02/2023 12:33

Either he is a stupid thoughtless asshole
or he did it deliberately to hurt you - keep you in your place & off balance

he knows your sensitive about your stomach so he shouldn’t have even mentioned that he thought you were pregnant as that implies your stomach is very noticeable and that you look pregnant

I’m going on - he is an asshole as you mention he’s said other negative stuff to you about your body

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 25/02/2023 12:41

I can see why you were hurt, but he probably just engaged mouth before brain, and as he's apologised I would move on from it. No one is 100% perfect. Maybe you were sitting funny or something, I know if I sit in a certain way wearing a baggy t shirt I look about 8 months pregnant. Standing, I have a flat tum. Maybe it was something like that.

Shunkleisshiny · 25/02/2023 12:45

I am the same height as you and feel at my best at 10 &1/2 stone. Be kind to yourself, you only gave birth less than a year ago!
Also tell your DH to say the second thing that comes into his head, not the first or to keep his trap well and truly shut.