To be hurt by this comment from DH

[Dinkleberg]

DH and I are both late 20s, been together 10 years, married 7 and have two young DC (4 and 8 months). Obviously I'm not as lithe as I was when we got together or before the kids, but I'm not overweight by any means (5'7" and 10.5 stone). I do have some loose skin on my stomach that I'm already self conscious about.

Now my DH is usually lovely. Kind, supportive, affectionate,
San equal partner in terms of housework, childcare etc, a great father. 95% of the time we're very happy. But very very occasionally his mouth seems to engage before his brain and he comes out with very thoughtless, unkind, immature comments. Today was one of those times but I don't know if I'm being too sensitive.

I was happily sitting on the sofa when DH, completely out of the blue, looked at me, kind of laughed and said "are you pregnant again?". Now we both know I am definitely not. I was kind of shocked and asked him to clarify what he meant but he couldn't or wouldn't. I then asked him if he meant my stomach looked big and he again kind of spluttered and didn't reply. I told him that that was quite unkind and has hurt my feelings (which it has) and he's apologised and does seem genuinely sorry, but I'm still upset and seething. He already knows I'm not entirely happy with my body, especially since having DC2, so why the hell would he say that?? I'm not even overweight (although that wouldn't justify it).

Do I have a right to be upset? Like I say he's an amazing partner the vast majority of the time but then very occasionally drops a clinker like this! Now I'm even more self conscious about my body than I was before. Should I just chalk it up as a stupid throwaway comment? He has apologised several times but I'm still hurt.

Everyone's stomach can look fuller from the side when they are sat down. I had to move a mirror from my wall alongside my desk when WFH started in lockdown as I can't bear my side view when seated - and I am not overweight either.

He engaged mouth before brain. Explain to him how sensitive you feel and what a big thing pregnancy s for women, changing shape so drastically. Learning to live with your new post baby body and the changes which are permanent and how sensitive it makes you feel.

It was insensitive but not unkind. He wasn't having a go at you or trying to use it as an insult, so I would tend to roll my eyes at him rather than take it too personally.

Or next time he is sat squashed up, ask him the same question. "OMG! It's a miracle! Are you pg??"

Maybe you just had a 'food baby'. Had you just eaten? Are you stomach muscles any good (regardless of weight or extra skin)? It was a thoughtless comment but it wouldn't bother me that much especially if my tummy was a bit popped out. Or maybe your boobs are bigger now? Did he clarify why he said it.

You're also a better woman than me, as I think my instinctive response would have been, "no, are you?".

He may well be sorry but I hope he's not expecting you to feel like having sex with him again until he's made a considerable and sustained effort to rebuild your comfort, trust and self-esteem.

Honestly OP, for all his so called kindness, he is very casual with his nasty unkind remarks.

Nice same don't say unkind things to their wife about their appearance.

I think you forgive far too easily.

I certainly wouldn't be and I would tell him to stay the hell away from me as I am VERY upset at his remark and will NOT be getting over it.

The arm remark is vicious.

My husband of 30 years would no more say anything like that and neither would I because we love and care for each other.

He is far too confident in your love.

You need to take such big offence that he'd rather eat his fist than come out with another nasty personal remark again.

As for contraception?

It wouldn't be required because he would not be getting near my body that he is so comfortable being nasty about.

You met him young and settled too young.

Stop accepting this from him.

People will treat you as badly as you allow.

Nasty remark and I'd be miffed too.

As an aside - never even realized shaving arm hair was a thing. Good lord.

Why would he say that because you were sitting on the sofa? Were you wearing something clingy? Sitting in a strange manner? It’s rude and he has apologised but it would upset me too. Is he ripped???

Just read the hair arm comment. He’s not very nice.

He knew what he was doing, of course he did. He's undermining your confidence.

why would there be a contradiction in being against misogyny ingrained in society, and understanding that individual human beings may possibly have a reasonable viewpoint?

Many men hate high heels for the same reasons as I gave- they disable women for the viewing pleasure of men.

Why would understanding that mean that I don't take men as individual human beings with as wide a range of motivations and priorities as women?

I don't see why suggesting a harmless motive for a male comment is "strange" - quite the opposite, it would be ridiculously blinkered, sexist and prejudiced to assume the worst of someone simply because of their sex.

@Nimbostratus100

She said they both know she couldn't be.

Gosh obviously that was his thinking..........

Not!

You met him when you were young and I suspect your standards aren't very high.

A woman with self respect and boundaries would realise that the remark about your arms was a red flag and was absolutely about making you feel bad.

A woman with self respect would tell him go fxxk himself and dump him.

He's not a nice man.

You are post partum and he is ensuring you don't have much confidence in yourself.

If you had self esteem you wouldn't be insisting he was nice.
You would be realising what a nasty little prick you are married to and that his remarks are absolutely deliberate.

Nice men don't make nasty remarks about the body that delivered their child.

You deserve better.

@SilkenDisorder

that's not sarcasm, go for the 🐸

I'm sure your DD is lovely, but OP can do as she likes with her own body hair.

Well it would make no difference to me whether he apologised or not because I’d know what he was thinking.

Did OP say she wanted to wax her arms or did another poster suggest that though ? 🤔

She said she shaved them and a more effective alternative was suggested.

Just the sort of response I was trying to think up. Well put.

I'd be very hurt. As far as his apology goes, I'd certainly be letting him stew for quite a while until I was sure he meant it and wouldn't be such a tool again. He needs to realise that it is impossible to simply unsay something, and that you can't just unhear it and forget about it either.

If he ever made such comments again or looked like making a habit of it he would be putting the relationship in grave peril. I'd be making that crystal clear to him.

Perhaps I wasn't being clear, the point I was making is that the fact that other women prefer to let their arm hair grow naturally has no bearing on OP's choice to remove hers, whether she removes by waxing or shaving isn't relevant.

What ?

Sure. But as op mentioned, they both knew she wasn’t pregnant, so…

Well if there was no malicious intent then why are you upset?

Also if he had no malicious intent what was his intention?

because if it was that your tummy looked big then that is mean to point it out is it not?

If I were you (but bear in mind that I’m a bit mental) I’d make myself look like a goddess and then leave.

@Benjispruce4

yeah, but to be fair, they've been together since they were kids & he said it years ago!!

@Dinkleberg I would think about what you said 'he says things without thinking'. All that means is that he didn't censor it, not that it's not what he thought!

The mist 'adult' thing to do here is to explain that after having / kids with him, your body isn't going to look like the teenagers he first met. But at his age, he should realise that! Explain his body is no longer at its peak, but you're not so nasty that you care or comment. If he wants to leave his wife, and the 2 children that made changes to your body he's welcome. That there won't be ANY chance if you being pregnant (to him anyway) for a bloody long time, if ever.

he's apologised for daying it, but I suspect not for being such a judgemental cunt.

What?! 🧐