To be hurt by this comment from DH

[Dinkleberg]

DH and I are both late 20s, been together 10 years, married 7 and have two young DC (4 and 8 months). Obviously I'm not as lithe as I was when we got together or before the kids, but I'm not overweight by any means (5'7" and 10.5 stone). I do have some loose skin on my stomach that I'm already self conscious about.

Now my DH is usually lovely. Kind, supportive, affectionate,
San equal partner in terms of housework, childcare etc, a great father. 95% of the time we're very happy. But very very occasionally his mouth seems to engage before his brain and he comes out with very thoughtless, unkind, immature comments. Today was one of those times but I don't know if I'm being too sensitive.

I was happily sitting on the sofa when DH, completely out of the blue, looked at me, kind of laughed and said "are you pregnant again?". Now we both know I am definitely not. I was kind of shocked and asked him to clarify what he meant but he couldn't or wouldn't. I then asked him if he meant my stomach looked big and he again kind of spluttered and didn't reply. I told him that that was quite unkind and has hurt my feelings (which it has) and he's apologised and does seem genuinely sorry, but I'm still upset and seething. He already knows I'm not entirely happy with my body, especially since having DC2, so why the hell would he say that?? I'm not even overweight (although that wouldn't justify it).

Do I have a right to be upset? Like I say he's an amazing partner the vast majority of the time but then very occasionally drops a clinker like this! Now I'm even more self conscious about my body than I was before. Should I just chalk it up as a stupid throwaway comment? He has apologised several times but I'm still hurt.

I want this level of innocence 🥹

This.

He's not just a stupid, thoughtless git. He wanted to dig at you, to cause pain, and not be answerable for it. You addressed it. Well done. Keep an eye on him and don't let him get away with a thing.

Look at the work of Kat Shaw Artist on facebook. Understand that your body is fine as it is. Really. Build up your self-confidence by finding out about women's politics and who the fuck you really are. You're not just his sex toy.

At least we know who’s been at the glue this morning.

He's not just a stupid, thoughtless git. He wanted to dig at you, to cause pain, and not be answerable for it.
I'm glad this isn't the way I think.
He's apologised, let it go, life's too short.
Expect flowers at the very least or punish him by only feeding him low calorie turnip salad for a few weeks.

@Nimbostratus100 but what would give him that idea? We both know it's unlikely as I am on contraception. I've made no mention of possibly being pregnant. The only thing that might give him the idea from looking at me is that he thinks my stomach looks bloated/big.

He’s horrible. I hope you said “no but I’ve just had a baby, what’s your excuse?!’

My exH used to do this, little comments that really sapped my confidence. If some glamorous woman who also has kids came on the TV like Victoria Beckham or Tess Daly came on the TV he’d say pointedly ‘she’s a mum’ and look at me. At the swimming pool once he made a comment about me getting harpooned. Hence why he is now an ex!! He made me feel really shitty about my post- pregnancy body but looking back at my absolute biggest i went from a size 10 pre-pregnancy to a 12-14 after having my 2nd.

I think you did the right thing in calling him out. Hopefully he’ll realise it’s not something to joke about.

As an aside, please don’t shave your arms! I too have quite dark hairy arms for a woman and I’ve never thought twice about it- they’re my arms!

YANBU and I would be still upset by this even if he’s apologised and seems to mean it. He is capable of not saying these things. It’s not just him being a bit painfully honest without engaging his brain he was having a dig that your stomach is not flat which is tbh really nasty not just thoughtless as it suggests a man more concerned with the altered reality of what women are supposed to adhere to looks wise rather than the reality of a partner he loves who has just gone through the monumental challenge of birthing for the second time.

It shouldn’t cross his mind when he looks at you to even want to comment out loud and certainly not in a cruel way.

The arm comment runs along the same lines.

I would want to broach this with him on a deeper level tbh. And I wouldn’t hide from pointing out you don’t seem to have the same false body ideals of men as he does for women else you would be opening your mouth too.

Missing the point here but, wax them. The regrowth will come back softer.

Yanbu to be hurt but he's apologised. Let it go

That's as far from what happened as you could possibly get.

who knows! a hope? a dream? a suspicion that you are being fussy with food or drink or sensitive to smells? I think it could just be an idea in his head and he wanted to ask

Nah I'd be pissed off if my partner said that to me, I was annoyed enough when he said I looked like his grandma when wearing a floral top.

I'm glad this isn't the way I think.

There you go, you can congratulate yourself.

Meanwhile, OP, bear in mind what I said.

And please don't wax your arms, my dd has hairy arms and they're beautiful.

Talk about dramatics, I surprised you haven't added 'get rid of him, you have to get out now'

Very few men really get how much women are judged for their bodies and how it feels when having a baby changes it. They simply don't understand how hurtful it is. Might help if you explain that it's impossible to want to have sex with a man who makes you feel anything other than beautiful.

He was wrong, and needs to be told just how hurtful and unacceptable that was, but I think it was ignorance rather than malice.

Oh my god. Talk about reaching.

Do you often excuse men's unkind behaviour?

Strangely man-defending comment from someone who’s so alert to the patriarchy that they think a wedge-heeled shoe is a crime against feminism 😂

Show me the 'dramatics'? It's not my fault you are incapable of assessing my posts accurately. Enjoy.

The thing is men take the piss out of each other and would comment on each other's stomachs. I really think some men have no idea what an emotional issue weight is to women. Often for women their self esteem is linked to their body image in a way some men just don't get. If my DH puts on weight he just calls himself "a fat bastard" and thinks he should cut down a bit. It doesn't affect his self esteem.
Your DH has apologised, hopefully he won't make such comments again so I think you should move on.
By the way, my DH does overeat and I do tell him when I think his stomach is too big simply because I worry about him! I'm not being mean, I want him to be healthy. He's at high risk of type 2 diabetes.

OP I think he was being thoughtless but feels bad now and has apologised . I’d move on unless he keeps doing it.

This. It was a thoughtless stupid attempt at a joke that totally misfired.

So bloody dismissive.

Honestly, what's the point of your remark, apart from to diminish her feelings about this.

😂🤣😵‍💫

Can we assume that Enid Blyton is now a Mumsnetter? 🙄